IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

@cansha , Can you please review the below essay, I will be highly thankful for your suggestions.

Topic:

In some of the societies the number of the crimes by teenagers is growing.Some people think regardless of the age,teenagers who commit major crimes should receive adult punishment.To what extent do you agree ?

Essay:
.

Overall note just looking at your essay. Why do you have lines where you have no space after a full stop when starting a new sentence? I hope you are not giving a computer based test else having that little mistake can also cost you. It is a basic rule of writing English and you can't be sloppy about it. It looks ugly and careless on an exam. If your argument is, oh this happened just typing it her or copy pasting it here then I would say try avoiding such errors even while practice, you never know what habits creep over to actual exam.

Alright with that let's move to the essay.

In the salad days of the millenium, there is a dramatic increase in the crime rate especially by the teenagers.Some I was referring to places like these - no space while starting a new sentence.
Do you see word societies in topic sentence. Do you think it matters? Do you think it is important for paraphrasing? The topic sentence is saying crime has increased in some societies. Your paraphrasing says since the start of millennium it has increased everywhere. See the issue?
critics believe that these underage criminal should be treated in a similar way as adult offenders in terms of the punishment and some disagree with this view.However, Another example of no space - ugly sloppy take your pick. Avoid such silly errors.
I believe that juvenile should be punished equally as adult if they have committed serious crime but in case if they are involved in minor illegal activities they should not be treated as adult culprit. I like and dislike this at the same time. But the idea is GOOD. You're telling the reader in what situations you agree and in what situations you don't. Well done! This makes your essay unique. BUT this is too verbose. Can you shorten it a little?

Let's delve deep into this essay to understand both views. This line is useless and adding no value. Plus this is one of the sentences to avoid on IELTS. Refer this post for point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

To embark with, teenager indulged Not sure I agree with this word usage here but not really incorrect in heinous crimes like murder, rape and lot more unnecessary phrase.
should receive adult punishment so that they think twice before committing such hate worthy activities. Verbose.

Moreover giving stringent punishment like life sentence would create a kind of fear in them and they would forbid themselves from doing crimes. This sentence is conveying the same idea as previous one and not really taking it forward.

For instance, in dubai Why is D not capital here?
if a person commit commits rape, he is given life imprisonment and even death sentence no matter what's Using contractions in task 2 is a strict NO NO and you will lose marks.
the age of the offender.
In addition to this, the age does not make sense in embarrassing figures of crime.It Another example of no space. Plus previous sentence made no sense.
means crime is crime and when someone committed that, no regret would be accepted especially about the major crimes. This one as well.

Okay your argument is a little incomplete. So, your argument is give adult punishment to make sure crime rate goes down .. agree? Then you give example of Dubai. And next two sentences are basically verbose with no real value. Your argument would be complete if you can prove that by giving adult punishment crime rate actually goes down. So, after you give Dubai example you can just continue that example and say because of that Dubai has lesser teenagers committing heinous crimes compared to rest of the world. Something like that completes the circle on your argument. Right now it is just hanging there. And of course above is just an example, there are more than one ways of doing it.


Nevertheless, now the question arises does giving equivalent punishment to adolescents like adult will be a permanent solution for this problem?
Wasting first line of paragraph
No, group of people believe that they should be sent to rehabilitation centers on committing the first time crime rather than treating them as adult criminals because they are immature and do not know about right and wrong so they should be educated in rehabilitation centers by incorporating social and moral skills resulting in their transformation to a better citizen. I agree with the argument but it is too long a sentence and too many words and hence losing its impact. Good idea just make it more impactful by making it a little short. You can always use next line to expand / support idea.
Futhermore, they should be kept away from adult criminals because teenagers are sometimes influenced by these people and they become master in their unethical activities. See now this is an entirely new idea without finishing the previous one nicely.
For instance, in delhi Why is D not capital here? a 15 year old children is convicted in a kidnapping case and he revealed that he learn all these wrong traits from the people in imprisonment when was caught and punished for shoplifting.

In a nutshell,I assert that teenagers breaking law should be punished equivalent to adult depending on the crime they committed as they are future of the country
and in addition to this authorities should step forward and create awareness among these people by organizing educational campaign to stop them from committing crimes. Weak conclusion.

Weak points - Too many silly mistakes - no spaces, no capitalization of city names - These things will cost you on exam day. Avoid these even in practice.
Also, you are focusing a lot more on writing flowery language rather than communicating your main ideas. Yes, you need to show your language range but if your ideas are not cohesive and coherent you will lose marks. Task Response is the most important aspect in Task 2.

Now the positives. I wouldn't say that task response is entirely missing. It is there and your ideas were good enough to nail the essay as well. But you need to make sure the first line of your body paragraph communicates your main idea clearly and concisely. Also, finish your arguments before bringing in a new idea.

Also, read a few more high band essays to see how ideas are developed and concluded. You are very close to nailing this. All the best!

 

[rer1]

Welcome to the thread. Your scores in other 3 sections are EXCELLENT!! This basically means your English language skills are more than adequate to ace the test. I'm surprised you have taken test 6 times for writing.

BUT looking at your essay and I can see many common errors discussed here many times. Let's have a look.

The rising tendency of people to travel has enabled English to be spreaded all around the world, therefore many people believe it will be the only language that is spoken in the future. In this essay, the benefits and drawbacks of having one language worldwide will be explained.
Weak Intro with a line that almost always kills your introduction. Refer point 1.4 ttps://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Looking at your paragraph lengths - point 2.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

On the one hand, there are plentiful benefits of having only one language globally. You're wasting first line of the paragraph. This line adds no value to your essay and is generic line. Start your BP with your argument / hypothesis. The structure for BP is simple Your Argument / Hypothesis -> Supporting line / Explanation line -> Relevant example if any -> Concluding line / leading line to next paragraph (Optional)
Firstly, people will feel more convenient to communicate with individuals from other nations. This can increase the integration among the societies and allow them to unite for global problems. Okay fair argument. But you see you are breaking this thought in two lines here where you could have easily combined these two lines to write a more complex sentence to show more ability with language
Thus, individuals all around the world can exchange information more comfortably to solve world problems such as global warming or natural disasters. Now this is where you're getting too philosophical and hence outside the scope of topic.
Secondly, the level of commercial activity among countries may soar thanks to the distruption of language barriers that hamper trade flow. HOW?? Common mistake in IELTS assuming examiner will fill in the blanks. How will trade benefit. You need to forge your argument more strongly.
Consequently, the welfare of the countries will increase with utilizing the advantages of global trade further. Again HOW?
Lastly, students may enrol to universities without any language proficiency, hence pupils can enjoy studying without language proficiency restrictions. Too many ideas but no idea developed to its full potential.


On the other hand, there many disadvantages of having only just one language globally. You have only 3 lines in BP2 and first line is a generic line which adds no value to your argument -> bad task response.
Initially, the disappearence of languages would destroy the cultural aspects around the world which would vanish customs and traditions. HOW? Never assume in IELTS - Oh it's obvious how it will make cultures disappear, tell us why you think so.
Further, people may prefer to travel to abroad less often than today, since the attractiveness of the distinctions in cultures will not available. Is culture limited to language? Do people only travel to see culture and not say monuments / beaches / mountains ??? Do you see how if you don't qualify your argument it doesn't make sense.


To sum up, having only one language in the world comes with both benefits and drawbacks. Prominent members in the world should analyse both sides and respond this matter after making a careful decision.

Poor conclusion. Refer section 3 of this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Overall, given your scores in other sections I'm a little surprised by lack of complex sentences, vocabulary and different sentence types. BUT, that is not the biggest issue here. Fact is you don't really need to write too many difficult words or complex sentences to get a 7. The thing that MATTERS MOST is Task Response. And, fact is the above essay lacks it. And that is the biggest obstacle between you and a 7+ score.

But, it can be fixed easily. Read more essays and spend more time in planning your essays. Follow the "structure". The key to scoring better in IELTS writing is to read more high band essays then just writing essays.

You already have the skills needed but you need to focus a little bit more. This thread will help you. Go back some 20/30 pages and read more reviews. Spend time in just reading stuff and then come back with another essay.

All the best!

I wrote a new one, I will be delighted if you can check my work. Thanks a lot.

Some people think that going to a fitness centre regularly is unnecessary. Instead, they believe that combining occasional exercise (such as going for walks) with a balanced diet is enough to stay healthy.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Many people believe that sparing time for going to gym regularly to sustain their health is redundant since exercising occasionally with having a modest diet will be sufficient. In my opinion, I firmly agree with this idea because to stay healthy, proper nutrition and adapting an active lifestyle are adequate.


First of all, health problems mostly occur due to unbalanced diet. This is because, the primary factor to keep the immune system, which protects people from getting sick, robust is the quality of daily nutritional intake.Therefore people should prevent to eat junk food or genetically modified products which hampers the stability of human body. When people consume these types of food, they distort their blood pressure and they lack the fundamental vitamins and minerals which keep people healthy.


Second, people already spend enough calories with seldom exercises and a proper diet. In a person’s everyday life, any type of activity such as walking, sleeping or reading burn calories, thus people will keep their weight and health in the desired level without regular exercises at the gym if they follow their healthy diet. Despite going to gym, jogging once a week in the neighbourhood will ensure to have a fit body, besides walking in the outdoors will relieve the stress more than working out in an gym where people cannot breathe fresh air.


To sum up, although some people choose to spare time for fitness centres in order to keep themselves healthy, I believe that having a balanced diet and doing exercises seldomly will be more than enough to stay healthy. This is due to the fact that the main parameters for health are the vitality of food intake and staying active which can be achieved with occasional exercise.

 

[Ashinder]

Thanks so much @cansha for all your suggestions. Space after full stop when starting the new line is due to the copy-paste thing. Have taken a note of it and also will work on all your pointers. Thanks again

Overall note just looking at your essay. Why do you have lines where you have no space after a full stop when starting a new sentence? I hope you are not giving a computer based test else having that little mistake can also cost you. It is a basic rule of writing English and you can't be sloppy about it. It looks ugly and careless on an exam. If your argument is, oh this happened just typing it her or copy pasting it here then I would say try avoiding such errors even while practice, you never know what habits creep over to actual exam.

Alright with that let's move to the essay.

In the salad days of the millenium, there is a dramatic increase in the crime rate especially by the teenagers.Some I was referring to places like these - no space while starting a new sentence.
Do you see word societies in topic sentence. Do you think it matters? Do you think it is important for paraphrasing? The topic sentence is saying crime has increased in some societies. Your paraphrasing says since the start of millennium it has increased everywhere. See the issue?
critics believe that these underage criminal should be treated in a similar way as adult offenders in terms of the punishment and some disagree with this view.However, Another example of no space - ugly sloppy take your pick. Avoid such silly errors.
I believe that juvenile should be punished equally as adult if they have committed serious crime but in case if they are involved in minor illegal activities they should not be treated as adult culprit. I like and dislike this at the same time. But the idea is GOOD. You're telling the reader in what situations you agree and in what situations you don't. Well done! This makes your essay unique. BUT this is too verbose. Can you shorten it a little?

Let's delve deep into this essay to understand both views. This line is useless and adding no value. Plus this is one of the sentences to avoid on IELTS. Refer this post for point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

To embark with, teenager indulged Not sure I agree with this word usage here but not really incorrect in heinous crimes like murder, rape and lot more unnecessary phrase.
should receive adult punishment so that they think twice before committing such hate worthy activities. Verbose.

Moreover giving stringent punishment like life sentence would create a kind of fear in them and they would forbid themselves from doing crimes. This sentence is conveying the same idea as previous one and not really taking it forward.

For instance, in dubai Why is D not capital here?
if a person commit commits rape, he is given life imprisonment and even death sentence no matter what's Using contractions in task 2 is a strict NO NO and you will lose marks.
the age of the offender.
In addition to this, the age does not make sense in embarrassing figures of crime.It Another example of no space. Plus previous sentence made no sense.
means crime is crime and when someone committed that, no regret would be accepted especially about the major crimes. This one as well.

Okay your argument is a little incomplete. So, your argument is give adult punishment to make sure crime rate goes down .. agree? Then you give example of Dubai. And next two sentences are basically verbose with no real value. Your argument would be complete if you can prove that by giving adult punishment crime rate actually goes down. So, after you give Dubai example you can just continue that example and say because of that Dubai has lesser teenagers committing heinous crimes compared to rest of the world. Something like that completes the circle on your argument. Right now it is just hanging there. And of course above is just an example, there are more than one ways of doing it.


Nevertheless, now the question arises does giving equivalent punishment to adolescents like adult will be a permanent solution for this problem?
Wasting first line of paragraph
No, group of people believe that they should be sent to rehabilitation centers on committing the first time crime rather than treating them as adult criminals because they are immature and do not know about right and wrong so they should be educated in rehabilitation centers by incorporating social and moral skills resulting in their transformation to a better citizen. I agree with the argument but it is too long a sentence and too many words and hence losing its impact. Good idea just make it more impactful by making it a little short. You can always use next line to expand / support idea.
Futhermore, they should be kept away from adult criminals because teenagers are sometimes influenced by these people and they become master in their unethical activities. See now this is an entirely new idea without finishing the previous one nicely.
For instance, in delhi Why is D not capital here? a 15 year old children is convicted in a kidnapping case and he revealed that he learn all these wrong traits from the people in imprisonment when was caught and punished for shoplifting.

In a nutshell,I assert that teenagers breaking law should be punished equivalent to adult depending on the crime they committed as they are future of the country
and in addition to this authorities should step forward and create awareness among these people by organizing educational campaign to stop them from committing crimes. Weak conclusion.

Weak points - Too many silly mistakes - no spaces, no capitalization of city names - These things will cost you on exam day. Avoid these even in practice.
Also, you are focusing a lot more on writing flowery language rather than communicating your main ideas. Yes, you need to show your language range but if your ideas are not cohesive and coherent you will lose marks. Task Response is the most important aspect in Task 2.

Now the positives. I wouldn't say that task response is entirely missing. It is there and your ideas were good enough to nail the essay as well. But you need to make sure the first line of your body paragraph communicates your main idea clearly and concisely. Also, finish your arguments before bringing in a new idea.

Also, read a few more high band essays to see how ideas are developed and concluded. You are very close to nailing this. All the best!

 

[amritvirk88]

@cansha , Can you please review the below essay and give bands.

Some people say that education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.


It is believed by many people that the progress of any country depends entirely on education. I, however, not contend with this view as there are money other contributors also that are essential for the development of nation such as healthcare facilities, safety, freedom of speech and thought, economic growth, international relationship etc.

Education, undoubtedly is the backbone of any nation. It is very essential each and every person of country because it will result in skillful and professional people who help in the growth of nation but we cannot deny other factor of progress. For instance, the countries like Srilanka, where literacy rate is 100 %, is still doing hard to become developed nation for the reason that their economic growth is very low which is results in lack of technical development. Moreover, this country is not successful in building relations with advanced countries. So, it is clear that only education is not sufficient, many other factors are also crucial for advancement.

On the other hand, if we talk about the countries, like japan where education system is not much advance as compare to other European sovereign states but still it is a developed country because the people are very hard working and skilled and also the country has very good business bonding with other ,emergent and underdeveloped, nations. It has the highest economic growth in the world even after week education system which proves that only education is not sufficient for progress in nation.

To conclude, education system, no doubt is a very important factor for overall development of a n empire but it is not the only the factor. Many other aspects must be considered and implemented for the real development in a country.

 

[Rieme]

Question: many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise?what can be done about this problem?
Answer

A majority of the working class in the society are engaged in little or no exercise during their working days and in their leisure time. This has resulted in them having health issues. There are a couple of reasons for this and possible measures to tackle this problem.

The advance in technology has led to the increase in sedentary lifestyle amongst the workforce which has resulted in various health complications. A majority of the task carried in our offices are automated involving little or no physical activity. Also, most workers fail to engage in active travel like cycling, walking and even climbing up and down the stairs. They feel entitled to the luxury of owing a car and using an elevator.

The government can tackle this problem by enacting laws and policies favouring exercises. For instance, implementing exercise classes at work, increasing tow gate fees to reduce the use of private vehicles and organising regular health screening and awareness.The individuals can also combat this menace by standing rather than sitting all the time at their desk during work days, using the stairs and by registering at gyms in their spare time.

In conclusion, advances in technology has led to reduced involvement in exercise amongst the workforce. The bureaucrats and the individuals have a role to play to encourage a fit and healthy society.



PLEASE HELP ME

 

[cansha]

I wrote a new one, I will be delighted if you can check my work. Thanks a lot.

Some people think that going to a fitness centre regularly is unnecessary. Instead, they believe that combining occasional exercise (such as going for walks) with a balanced diet is enough to stay healthy.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
.

Many people believe that sparing time for going to gym regularly to sustain their health is redundant since exercising occasionally with having a modest diet will be is sufficient. In my opinion, I firmly agree Redundant language and verbose. Use one of those two phrases In my opinion ... or I agree .. You agreeing is your opinion.
with this idea because to stay healthy, proper nutrition and adapting adapting or adopting? an active lifestyle are adequate. Introduction is okay. It is not a good or great introduction para. There is no new information for me to look forward to rest of the essay. Good introduction leads you to the next paragraph or shows a glimpse of the essay. Introduction should be

Paraphrase line -> your clear opinion (depending on essay) -> glimpse of logic/reasoning for your opinion.

First of all, health problems mostly occur due to unbalanced diet. Once again a weak beginning of body paragraph.
This is because, This phrase is redundant. Get rid of this and combine this sentence with previous one to make more impact.
the primary factor to keep the immune system, which protects people from getting sick, robust is the quality of daily nutritional intake.
Therefore people should prevent to eat junk food or genetically modified products which hampers the stability of human body. When people consume these types of food, they distort their blood pressure and they lack the fundamental vitamins and minerals which keep people healthy.
Just too much information but there is no clear argument. Think about it you are saying good diet is all you need to stay healthy. But whole paragraph talks about what happens when you eat junk food. Now yes both are correlated. But if the essay topic was Is junk food harmful? Then yes above paragraph works. But essay topic is does eating good diet enough to stay healthy. Yes ideas are similar. BUT have you really answered the question. Think about it. You can use the same information and write in a way which makes your point better.

Second, people already spend enough calories with seldom exercises and a proper diet. You addressed diet part of question above. This is useless here. But in any case weak first line.
In a person’s everyday life, any type of activity such as walking, sleeping or reading burn calories, thus people will keep their weight Is weight an indicator of health? If yes, why not introduce this idea much earlier.
and health in the desired level without regular exercises at the gym if they follow their healthy diet. Despite going to gym, Wrong phrasing
jogging once a week in the neighbourhood will ensure to have a fit body, besides walking in the outdoors will relieve the stress See you keep introducing new ideas
more than working out in an gym where people cannot breathe fresh air. Again

To sum up, although some people choose to spare time for fitness centres in order to keep themselves healthy, I believe that having a balanced diet and doing exercises seldomly will be more than enough to stay healthy. This is due to the fact that the main parameters for health are the vitality of food intake and staying active which can be achieved with occasional exercise

Here is my diagnosis of the problem. And feel free to disagree because you know it better and I'm just speculating here based on what I read. I don't think you spent much time in planning the essay. If you did, my questions - How much time did you spend? What did you write in your rough notes? How did you arrange your ideas?

From what I can see is that you're jumping on writing the essay and fishing for ideas on the go. It is visible when people keep introducing a new idea in every line. For example in BP2. This is how you lose points in Coherence and Cohesion on the essay. Please read more essays and spend a few days just thinking about essay topic and just arranging your thoughts rather than writing a full essay. It will help. All the best!

 

[rer1]

Many people believe that sparing time for going to gym regularly to sustain their health is redundant since exercising occasionally with having a modest diet will be is sufficient. In my opinion, I firmly agree Redundant language and verbose. Use one of those two phrases In my opinion ... or I agree .. You agreeing is your opinion.
with this idea because to stay healthy, proper nutrition and adapting adapting or adopting? an active lifestyle are adequate. Introduction is okay. It is not a good or great introduction para. There is no new information for me to look forward to rest of the essay. Good introduction leads you to the next paragraph or shows a glimpse of the essay. Introduction should be

Paraphrase line -> your clear opinion (depending on essay) -> glimpse of logic/reasoning for your opinion.

First of all, health problems mostly occur due to unbalanced diet. Once again a weak beginning of body paragraph.
This is because, This phrase is redundant. Get rid of this and combine this sentence with previous one to make more impact.
the primary factor to keep the immune system, which protects people from getting sick, robust is the quality of daily nutritional intake.
Therefore people should prevent to eat junk food or genetically modified products which hampers the stability of human body. When people consume these types of food, they distort their blood pressure and they lack the fundamental vitamins and minerals which keep people healthy.
Just too much information but there is no clear argument. Think about it you are saying good diet is all you need to stay healthy. But whole paragraph talks about what happens when you eat junk food. Now yes both are correlated. But if the essay topic was Is junk food harmful? Then yes above paragraph works. But essay topic is does eating good diet enough to stay healthy. Yes ideas are similar. BUT have you really answered the question. Think about it. You can use the same information and write in a way which makes your point better.

Second, people already spend enough calories with seldom exercises and a proper diet. You addressed diet part of question above. This is useless here. But in any case weak first line.
In a person’s everyday life, any type of activity such as walking, sleeping or reading burn calories, thus people will keep their weight Is weight an indicator of health? If yes, why not introduce this idea much earlier.
and health in the desired level without regular exercises at the gym if they follow their healthy diet. Despite going to gym, Wrong phrasing
jogging once a week in the neighbourhood will ensure to have a fit body, besides walking in the outdoors will relieve the stress See you keep introducing new ideas
more than working out in an gym where people cannot breathe fresh air. Again

To sum up, although some people choose to spare time for fitness centres in order to keep themselves healthy, I believe that having a balanced diet and doing exercises seldomly will be more than enough to stay healthy. This is due to the fact that the main parameters for health are the vitality of food intake and staying active which can be achieved with occasional exercise

Here is my diagnosis of the problem. And feel free to disagree because you know it better and I'm just speculating here based on what I read. I don't think you spent much time in planning the essay. If you did, my questions - How much time did you spend? What did you write in your rough notes? How did you arrange your ideas?

From what I can see is that you're jumping on writing the essay and fishing for ideas on the go. It is visible when people keep introducing a new idea in every line. For example in BP2. This is how you lose points in Coherence and Cohesion on the essay. Please read more essays and spend a few days just thinking about essay topic and just arranging your thoughts rather than writing a full essay. It will help. All the best!

Hello Thank you very much for the feedback.

I spent approximately ten minutes before starting the essay, however these type of essays(To what extent do you agree or disagree?) are hard for me to come up with arguments since both sides in the question are quite logical. However, I force myself to choose one of them, thats why I could not make strong arguments.

I wish to ask how would you respond this question?
Which arguments would you propose and what would be your first sentences of the paragraphs look like?

Thank you.

 

[Aruntocanada]

Question: many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise?what can be done about this problem?
Answer

A majority of the working class in the society are engaged in little or no exercise during their working days and in their leisure time. This has resulted in them having health issues. There are a couple of reasons for this and possible measures to tackle this problem.glimpse of reasons and solution is missing in here.

The advance in technology has led to the increase in sedentary lifestyle amongst the workforce which has resulted in various health complications. This statement say about people, and then next goes with "our office" - seems an example but not clear if its or not.
A majority of the task carried in our offices are automated (what kind of work) involving little or no physical activity. This is a vague statement, in office people usually work less physically, I think you might be thinking about factories.
Also, most workers(Only workers or all people) fail to engage in active travel like cycling, walking and even climbing up and down the stairs. They feel entitled to the luxury of owing a car and using an elevator./ Could have been, people prefer to commute for even a shorter distance by car or bike as opposed to healthier means of travel such as cycle and walking.

Whole para is badly written, did no get clear reason why.

The government can tackle this problem by enacting laws and policies favouring exercises. For instance, implementing exercise classes at work, increasing tow gate fees to reduce the use of private vehicles (is it sufficient to reduce car usage, weaker one) and organising regular health screening and awareness.The individuals can also combat this menace by standing (whole day?) rather than sitting all the time at their desk during work days, using the stairs and by registering at gyms in their spare time.

In conclusion, advances in technology has led to reduced involvement in exercise amongst the workforce. The bureaucrats and the individuals have a role to play to encourage a fit and healthy society. Reinstate your key points in conclusion. Missing.

Take away :
your vocab is fine
BP1; disconnected and vauge
BP2 : could have been better : more development
Cohesive device, modal verbs , complex statement is missing
Suggestion : read this thread from beginning and don't write until you get to know the game.

Disclaimer : I am doing it just to help people here and this is also a great way of learning for me. I am not an expert but I have learnt few things over the time writing ielts exam and reading this thread multiple times. Since, I have learnt so much from this thread, it is just a giving back to keep this thread alive.

Special thanks to senior member like, cansha and hope

PLEASE HELP ME

 

[Aruntocanada]

@cansha I am new to IELTS. It seems like you are helping many folks with their Writing section. Could you please review mine too and share your feedback. Thanks for your help.

In the modern world, many children spend a lot of time in front of computers, televisions and smartphones. This is very harmful to them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern times, it is considered that more number of offsprings utilize spend/devote/give most of their time using technical (Gadets are already called to technical devices - Technical is not needed) gadgets such as cellphones, televisions and laptops. Although these innovative equipment have provided sophisticated life, it will also dangerously impact adolescents, which makes me to completely agree that these tools are not to be overused by children. Your are partly agree and then completely agree that it should not be overused.- please make it clear

First of all, youngsters are living in their own world with electronic devices for day and night due to which they lose their imagination skill and memory power (Less developed). In addition, this also negatively impacts not only their academic score but also their extra curricular activities (? how?). For example, A recent survey conducted by Bay Times exposes that 80% children, who have been using technical gadgets in Toronto City, are having dangerous brain illness (sentence formation is not correct). Therefore, adolescents must be educated about how harmful these devices are for humans life if we overuse them.
Now, you have mentioned 2 consequences of gadgets usages which are too not developed fully with one example
and then, you conclude in the last statement saying that they must be educated / taught how bad these devices are.

Doesn't look like an incomplete problem and solution format. That's what is looks to me.



Handling smartphones for longer hours may develop serious problem with children's personal relationships which will also isolate them from normal social life. Again a problem

Furthermore, cellphones and desktops may help them to have many virtual friends but not the real friends who can help them when they are in need of any help. Benefit and its example To illustrate this, my close friend's 8 year-old daughter was actively using facebook for chatting with her friends for more than a year and it is recently brought to our notice that she had been living her life virtually without even coming out from house.

This crucial incident taught us a lesson to protect our future monsters from new technologies.Last line is vague and philosophical

In conclusion, while it is quite evident that technology has brought us many advantages, we must also acknowledge the critical issues introduced in our youngsters life. In my opinion, I completely agree that children who are overusing electrical gadgets are having mental and physical problem which directly affects their personal life.

work on tonality and express your opinion

 

[RK_K]

Hello...
I'm new here ...I am uploading my writing ..can you please check it and revert with necessary changes and correction needed. It'll be a great help to me. I need 7 band writing. I am struck at 6.5. Also, give me a band score for my essay.



Some people prefer to live in hot climates, whereas others love lifestyles in countries with cold climates. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Type of weather liked by the people depends on their pattern of living. While some people think that living in the warmer area is more preferable, others prefer to live in the coldest place. This essay will consider both sides of the argument in detail and put forward evidence why I like to live in cold places as compared to warm places.

First and foremost, living in a hot climate is more beneficial because it gives freedom to people to wear light clothes and older people has fewer chances of getting ill. Firstly, the people who live in a warmer area can easily wear trendy and light-weighted attires as compared to the people living in the cold climate. Additionally, they can show their physics and glamourous look easily. Furthermore, the second factor responsible for the like of warm place is the health of the aged persons, as these places are less prone to muscle or bone-related problems. For instance, an article published in the newspaper shows that the people who live in a hot climate are healthier than the people living in a cold area. Thus, lightweight cloth wearing and enhanced health of older people are the major advantages of living in the hot climate.

However, some people like living in cold places because these places are calmer and cost-effective. Due to coldness, people prefer to spend most of their time inside their homes and office, which reduces the traffic on the roads along with the less public crowd. In addition to this, people also do not go out much which also saves money because they do not spend most of their time in shopping as they do when the weather is hot. This affects the nation’s economic growth. For example, the cost of living in the warmest place is much more as compared to the cold ones. Therefore, if people want to live in a calm and cost-effective place, then the cold place is the best option for them.

In conclusion, which type of weather is the best option for lifestyle is debatable among the people. In my opinion, living in a colder area is more beneficial than the warmer area due to above reasons.

 

[En_ell88]

It is said by some that advertising drives us to make unnecessary purchases, while others say that it is a medium of information to keep us updated with the latest products. Very good paraphrase line.

While I agree that advertisements are necessary to keep us updated, we must, however, not be misled to spend when not required. In an essay topic which has such divergent view points and they ask you which viewpoint you agree with, it would be a better idea to make your opinion clear and pick one. There is nothing wrong in taking a balanced opinion but the sentence you have written is not very clear. And this would hurt your task response evaluation.

Firstly, advertisements keep us up to date regarding the latest products and the newest launches. Generic line
These could be home improvement, new technology or services. Moreover, advertisements go one step further to elaborate on the benefits of a product against an existing product and its problems. Generic line
For example, when Unilever’s Surf Excel launch their liquid clothes soap, it launched with a television advertisement that spoke about the benefits of liquid clothes soap versus the previous powder soap and its issues. Example line
Consequently, buyers become confident in making purchases without which they would be apprehensive to try a new product. opinion / argument line.

See the issue here you opened the paragraph with a line which is almost a repeat of intro. Your last line gives insight into why you think advertisement help. Reason being they help make you a decision in case you are apprehensive about a product. Now if you make it your opening line of the paragraph and start your argument from there you would create more impact. Always ask what is your message / story and start there. See structure is simple -> Your opinion / argument / story -> Supporting statement -> example statement.

Secondly, advertisements help keep up with the latest trends and newest technology. This is especially useful to buyers so they are aware of when to upgrade their old products. For instance, iPhone users are well aware of when Apple’s next software upgrade is, owing to their timely announcements thereby ensuring their phones are on at that time to receive the software update first. As a result, Apple ensures that through advertisements their users stay updated with the latest updates improving their product experience.
I'm sorry this one is bad. Even the example chosen is bad. Do you really think Apple advertises software upgrades and hence that's why people update the software. It appears to me you started the essay without thinking through the whole thing and by the time you came to BP2 you were fishing for ideas. Happens with everyone. Just try to plan the essay more.

In conclusion, I believe that advertising provides us with the knowledge of new products that may bring improvement to our lives. However, we must spend wisely and be aware of what products we require to not buy those that we do not need.

Poor conclusion. Refer here section 3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Let's start with bad news. I don't think this one will get a 7 on the exam.

Now the positives -> You don't seem to have issues with Grammar and your English is good enough to score 7/8 in IELTS writing. What I see lacking is application. You really need to think through the essay and build a rough structure before you start writing the essay.

You seem to have nailed the paraphrase line here and many people falter on that so that is a big positive. Your first BP also had the right ideas but poor execution.

In short, you can score 7+ easily but you really need to read more essays and spend time in structuring your thoughts. All the best!

Hey thanks for your review.
I needed 7 but got an 8 in my essay on test day in writing

Thrilled!

 

[cansha]

Hey thanks for your review. It helped me make corrections I needed to get an 8 in my essay on test day in writing

All the best!

 

[cansha]

Hello Thank you very much for the feedback.

I spent approximately ten minutes before starting the essay, however these type of essays(To what extent do you agree or disagree?) are hard for me to come up with arguments since both sides in the question are quite logical. However, I force myself to choose one of them, thats why I could not make strong arguments.

I wish to ask how would you respond this question?
Which arguments would you propose and what would be your first sentences of the paragraphs look like?

Thank you.

Read this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269377

 

[cansha]

This is an old post. Re-posting here for benefit of some of the new folks on thread. Hope this is helpful for you!

Hello Folks!

I see some new members posting essays on the forum now. Some of our old friends have moved on after scoring their desired scores.

One thing that I have noticed is that the new essays have all the same mistakes which have been discussed on this thread before. Well, it is possible when you will post your first essay you would not have read all the previous posts. BUT I really urge you to go back atleast 15/20 pages and read some past reviews and learn from those.

I have said this many times before but I will say it one more time. The key to writing a good essay is not just about practicing writing essays. If you keep practicing the wrong things it won't really help. The key really is two/three things

1. Figuring out what is a good essay in the first place? For this you need to read a lot of high band essays and figure out what is working there. Especially focus on how they address "task response"

2. Second key is to learn to generate ideas, organize them and then structuring your essay in accordance with the essay topic. Do not follow one size fits all strategy for all essay topics. It won't work! Again the key is to read essays and see how essay introductions and structure changes depending on the topic of the essay. Also, do not time yourself initially when you write the essays. You will be doing yourself a favor.

3. Learn from others' mistakes. For that read other reviews as well and not just the review for your own essay.

And now since I know even after writing this some of you may not find the time or motivation of going back pages. I have done some work for you. I went back 40 pages and I have found some of the relevant posts that people really need to read. Below are the links.

All the best!

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-36#post-7266093

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269377

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269603

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-46#post-7282474

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-61#post-7343517


https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-40#post-7271249

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-40#post-7271430

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-42#post-7271808

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-43#post-7275154


https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-20#post-7183566

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-21#post-7197177

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-25#post-7218355

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-26#post-7223638

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-26#post-7227157

 

[cansha]

@cansha , Can you please review the below essay and give bands.

Some people say that education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.

It is believed by many people that the progress of any country depends entirely on education. I, however, do not contend with this view as there are money many other contributors also that are essential for the development of a nation such as healthcare facilities, safety, freedom of speech and thought, economic growth, international relationship etc. You have listed too many factors. Are you going to explain all of them in the essay? If not, focus on max 2 and show the reader how those two factors are more critical or may be as critical as education and make your point. Idea of introduction is correct. You are offering why you think education is not the only factor but then you need to follow up on the and explain other factors in the essay.

Education, undoubtedly is the backbone of any nation. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485 And in any case this is waste of first line. Do not use generic lines to open BP.
It is very essential each and every person of country because it will result in skillful and professional people who help in the growth of nation but we cannot deny other factor of progress. Again no value add. You haven't added to your argument at all.
For instance, the countries like Srilanka, where literacy rate is 100 %, is still doing hard to become developed nation bad phrasing for the reason that their economic growth is very low which is results in lack of technical development. Read this again and see if it actually make sense
Moreover, this country is not successful in building relations with advanced countries. Based on what evidence?
So, it is clear that only education is not sufficient, many other factors are also crucial for advancement. This line is same as introduction. No value add.

On the other hand, if we talk about the countries, like japan where education system is not much advance as compare to other European sovereign states based on what evidence?
but still it is a developed country because the people are very hard working and skilled Did you list hard working people as one of the factors in your introduction? No right. That's how you lose points on cohesion and coherence.
and also the country has very good business bonding with other ,emergent and underdeveloped, nations. Commas are misplaced everywhere.
It has the highest economic growth in the world Based on what evidence? GDP growth rate of Japan is no where close to China and India. Yes you can make up facts in IELTS essay but still.
even after week Which day of week? education system which proves that only education is not sufficient for progress in nation. Another repeat line -> recipe for losing points.

To conclude, education system, no doubt is a very important factor for overall development of a n empire but it is not the only the factor. Many other aspects must be considered and implemented for the real development in a country. Weak conclusion read section 3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

You need to spend time reading more and more. There are far too many errors. Try and understand what is needed in IELTS essay. It takes time. Spend next few days just reading essays and trying to generate ideas by reading essay topics.

All the best!