IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
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@cansha please evaluate
In the future it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of old people than the younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development?
It has been forecasted that in the upcoming time there will be more number of elderly people as compared to young people in many countries. In my opinion, this is a negative development as it will hurt to tax collection and productivity at work.
Firstly, the more number of senior citizens in our country will have deleterious effect on the annual tax collected by the government. Post retirement, people start receiving pension and hence this brings their contribution towards the taxes at a standstill. A recent report, for instance, by Times Now stated that the people in the age group 25 - 60 years contribute to approximately 72% of the total tax accumulated. In such scenario, it will become an arduous task for the government to focus on other infrastructure developments due to reduction in taxes.
Secondly, the less number of young generation will have detrimental effect on the work. To illustrate, a senior person with doddery cannot work at the same celerity as compared to a person in his 20's and 30's. For instance, a person aged 35 will take approximately half an hour to correct a 10 page Word document, whereas a decrepit old man will take around more than an hour. This simply denotes that, there has to be a balance of both young and old generation or else it may have dire consequences on a country's economy.
In conclusion, more number of aged population than the young is a negative development and will hit the collection of taxes and outcome at work.
In the future it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of old people than the younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development?
It has been forecasted that in the upcoming time there will be more number of elderly people as compared to young people in many countries. In my opinion, this is a negative development as it will hurt to tax collection and productivity at work.
Firstly, the more number of senior citizens in our country will have deleterious effect on the annual tax collected by the government. Post retirement, people start receiving pension and hence this brings their contribution towards the taxes at a standstill. A recent report, for instance, by Times Now stated that the people in the age group 25 - 60 years contribute to approximately 72% of the total tax accumulated. In such scenario, it will become an arduous task for the government to focus on other infrastructure developments due to reduction in taxes.
Secondly, the less number of young generation will have detrimental effect on the work. To illustrate, a senior person with doddery cannot work at the same celerity as compared to a person in his 20's and 30's. For instance, a person aged 35 will take approximately half an hour to correct a 10 page Word document, whereas a decrepit old man will take around more than an hour. This simply denotes that, there has to be a balance of both young and old generation or else it may have dire consequences on a country's economy.
In conclusion, more number of aged population than the young is a negative development and will hit the collection of taxes and outcome at work.
Answer
Take care of formatting while posting essays for review.
Weak introduction and has almost all the issues that have been discussed in this forum many a times. Spend a little time on the other reviews. Stop using the line in red. It is very similar to the sentence which is literally #1 on this list here http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
Also just at a glance your BP1 is longer than BP2. Keep your essay balanced.
I seriously can't understand the message in above paragraph. It is really messed up. And there are issues with sentence structure and English.
Very weak conclusion. I'm sorry but this is a very weak essay.
Ok good.
So first paragraph is clear. This is again ambiguous. And I have said this in many reviews before if you are writing an agree / disagree essay like this. The POV you disagree with write that first and then show how the view you agree with is better. So flip these two paragraphs.
Please write atleast 2/3 lines in conclusion. One line conclusions are recipe of disaster. This one is better than previous one but has all the issues that have been discussed in lots of detail in the past
I’m already in Canada but i alreafy dim ielts exam in Philippine but I failed the exam got 6 only is it mandatory to retake again even i’m already in canada ?
Hello @cansha @H0peAndFa1th I am new here but i am really impressed by the amount of work you put in this to help people out. God bless you.
Please can you help review my essay? and suggest areas for improvement. My Exam is on February 9th. Thanks
QUESTION: Some believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages f both methods and give your own opinion
ESSAY
It has been argued that a homeschooled child has the best chance of development than a child learning in a school environment. Although both sides of the argument have their merits, I believe that learning in a school is more beneficial for a child's growth and development because, in addition to school work, it offers an opportunity for social interactions and understanding of routines.
On the one hand, some people think that educating a child at home enables the provision of a more personalised form of learning. In other words, more attention can be paid to the specific educational needs of the child. For example. if a child has a problem understanding mathematics, customised lessons can be planned over a period of time to directly tackle the issue. Furthermore, homeschooling a child supports a lot of flexibility in the learning process. This is particularly beneficial to children born into families who travel often or have other important commitments.
On the other hand, it is believed by some that learning in a school environment is important for an effective learning process and I agree. This is because in addition to educational lessons, schools provide a suitable environment which supports social interactions with other children. For instance, children make friends and learn to share toys or snacks with others while learning at educational centers. Another reason why learning in school is beneficial is that it helps a young child understand the use and need for schedules and routines. Moreover, the structured nature of most educational institutions introduces children to the concept of planning and time, as programs are carried out as scheduled.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that learning in school is the best form of educating children because, in addition to educational lessons, they are exposed to social interactions with their peers and routines.
Thank you for your help.
Please can you help review my essay? and suggest areas for improvement. My Exam is on February 9th. Thanks
QUESTION: Some believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages f both methods and give your own opinion
ESSAY
It has been argued that a homeschooled child has the best chance of development than a child learning in a school environment. Although both sides of the argument have their merits, I believe that learning in a school is more beneficial for a child's growth and development because, in addition to school work, it offers an opportunity for social interactions and understanding of routines.
On the one hand, some people think that educating a child at home enables the provision of a more personalised form of learning. In other words, more attention can be paid to the specific educational needs of the child. For example. if a child has a problem understanding mathematics, customised lessons can be planned over a period of time to directly tackle the issue. Furthermore, homeschooling a child supports a lot of flexibility in the learning process. This is particularly beneficial to children born into families who travel often or have other important commitments.
On the other hand, it is believed by some that learning in a school environment is important for an effective learning process and I agree. This is because in addition to educational lessons, schools provide a suitable environment which supports social interactions with other children. For instance, children make friends and learn to share toys or snacks with others while learning at educational centers. Another reason why learning in school is beneficial is that it helps a young child understand the use and need for schedules and routines. Moreover, the structured nature of most educational institutions introduces children to the concept of planning and time, as programs are carried out as scheduled.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that learning in school is the best form of educating children because, in addition to educational lessons, they are exposed to social interactions with their peers and routines.
Thank you for your help.
Hi Cansha, Please can you take sometime out to give your valuable reviews, I have tried to not repeat the same silly errors which i made in my previous essays. hope to hearing from you soon.
Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Many people feel that adolescent phase is the most joyful period of humans’ life while some believe that adult life means more pleasure. Although, both stages of life are most significant phases. However, in my opinion, teenage is more fun filled than adulthood in various aspects and some of them are being discussed through this essay.
Evidently, the current lifestyle of people has become very hectic and stressful. Owing to that, happiness has vanished by and large. Therefore, the only time which is enjoyed the most in life is teenage. For example – a fifteen years old boy has no big responsibility on his shoulders in terms of earning money to look after his family. In addition, no such accountability to answer anyone about any critical work assigned unlike in corporate jobs & business. Moreover, during teenage, kids have plentiful time & friends to spend cheerful time while playing various games without too much thinking of clock ticking.
On the contrary, adulthood has large responsibilities. However, during this phase of life people enjoy the liberty to take decisions by themselves unlike in childhood. For instance – an adult can plan a vacation with friends whenever & wherever he wants to. Further, an earning man with adequate earning source could buy a product which entice him without seeking anyone’s permission. Lastly, a grown up man can contribute to society financially & physically.
To sum up, teenage and adulthood are two imperative times of life. And both stages have their own ways to live happily. However, in all likelihood, I would reiterate that adolescent could be more enjoyable than adult seeing no responsibilities toward anyone as such.
Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Many people feel that adolescent phase is the most joyful period of humans’ life while some believe that adult life means more pleasure. Although, both stages of life are most significant phases. However, in my opinion, teenage is more fun filled than adulthood in various aspects and some of them are being discussed through this essay.
Evidently, the current lifestyle of people has become very hectic and stressful. Owing to that, happiness has vanished by and large. Therefore, the only time which is enjoyed the most in life is teenage. For example – a fifteen years old boy has no big responsibility on his shoulders in terms of earning money to look after his family. In addition, no such accountability to answer anyone about any critical work assigned unlike in corporate jobs & business. Moreover, during teenage, kids have plentiful time & friends to spend cheerful time while playing various games without too much thinking of clock ticking.
On the contrary, adulthood has large responsibilities. However, during this phase of life people enjoy the liberty to take decisions by themselves unlike in childhood. For instance – an adult can plan a vacation with friends whenever & wherever he wants to. Further, an earning man with adequate earning source could buy a product which entice him without seeking anyone’s permission. Lastly, a grown up man can contribute to society financially & physically.
To sum up, teenage and adulthood are two imperative times of life. And both stages have their own ways to live happily. However, in all likelihood, I would reiterate that adolescent could be more enjoyable than adult seeing no responsibilities toward anyone as such.
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Hey Folks,
I know I have not been able to review all essays in recent times. I did review a few today and plan to finish all others, hopefully, in coming weekend. The issue is that I see all the same mistakes which have been discussed many a times in the past. I understand that you all want a review of your own essay and it is probably time consuming or boring to read other essays but trust me that is the best way to learn and avoiding same mistakes again.
Anyways, I think I was repeating same things again and again in my reviews and hence I have decided to write a post on common mistakes I see in essays here and something you all should be careful about.
1. Introduction: What do I mean when I say weak introduction in my essay reviews? In IELTS introduction is probably one of the most important things and IELTS expects you to write your introduction in a certain way. And it is imperative to follow those unwritten rules for IELTS essays
1.1. Always write a paraphrase line for the topic
1.2. When can you write a generic line in introduction: Write a generic line in the introduction only when the topic line is too short. Sometimes in IELTS topic lines are short and just paraphrasing that line will result in a very short introduction para. In such cases you can open the essay with a generic line and then paraphrase the topic line.
1.3. DO NOT bring in new facts to paraphrase line: So, paraphrase line is just that. Paraphrase the topic line completely and do not bring in either new facts or your opinion in that line. Use the next line to do so.
1.4. DO NOT use the line “This essay will discuss … blah blah”: This line is literally #1 on this list here and should not be used in your essay. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
1.5. DO NOT say there are a number of reasons or there are various reasons …. And then just state 1 or 2 to back up your argument. This is true for opening of Body Paragraph 1 as well.
1.6. DO give a glimpse of your essay in introduction: If you wish to make your essay better / unique always give a glimpse of your essay in the introduction. Basically, if you agree to something give a reason why you think so. And then use the same points to expand in the body paragraphs and make sure to use the same order.
2. Body Paragraphs: Here are some of the common errors I see in body paragraphs which should be avoided
2.1. DO NOT use “…… and I agree”: Many times I see essays where first line of BP is “Some people say …..blah blah blah …(basically repeat of topic line) …., and I agree”. This is such an abrupt ending of the first line. And anyways do not repeat the topic lines again and again. Your opinion should be established in introduction and then come straight to your points in BPs.
2.2. DO NOT use “In other words ….”: This is a personal pet peeve of mine. My opinion you are harming your own essay by writing such a line. You are basically telling the examiner oh I gave an argument and then I will repeat the same argument “in other words”. There is no need to do such a thing. Avoid it!
2.3 DO NOT have one body paragraph longer than other: Well I'm not saying they need to have exact word count but when someone looks at an essay one body paragraph should not look considerably longer than the other. This shows either unbalanced arguments or bad paragraphing.
2.4 DO NOT use "This has profound social and economic impacts": I have lost count of the essays which claim that the topic under discussion has impacts on society and economy. Well, almost every topic can have that line. Just have a look around in this forum and you will see almost every 2nd or 3rd essay using this argument. This argument is stale. Be more original.
2.5 Structure for whether you agree with option A vs option B: This is a feedback I have given in almost every review of an essay where question is asking you whether you agree with Option A or Option B. I think a better structure is to write body paragraph for option you disagree with. So, let’s say you agree with Option A. Then write first paragraph about option A and why some people may like it. In the end of the that para write how option A lacks in some areas. Now in body paragraph 2 use those points and show how option B has almost all the advantages of option A but also covers the areas where option A lacks. This I think is a much safer structure to follow.
2.6 DO NOT use sentences like "There is no doubt ...", "It can not be denied that ....", "It is a well known fact that ....", "There is no secret that ...." and all such variations to make an argument. This is also one of my pet peeves. Remember IELTS is looking for your opinion. You may think something is well known but it may not be so. Also, in addition you need to build an argument and not assume something is a universal truth. If you don't agree Liz also has a variation of this on her list #8. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
3. Conclusion: Just like Introduction para IELTS has unwritten rules on how a conclusion must be written. IELTS expects you to revisit all the main points of your essay again in conclusion. The common mistakes to avoid are:
3.1. DO NOT write 1-line conclusion: This can be fixed easily. Please do not write 1-line conclusions. You really need to be a brilliant writer to pull it off. So, please just write at least 2-3 lines in conclusion.
3.2. DO NOT bring new facts / arguments in conclusion: You’re supposed to revisit facts / arguments you already discussed and write them in a different way.
3.3. DO NOT write same lines as introduction: Do not make conclusion another way of writing your introduction paragraph.
I will possibly add more to this post as I remember more common errors and point to this post in my reviews so I’m not repeating myself again and again.
Hope this post helps the current aspirants.
I know I have not been able to review all essays in recent times. I did review a few today and plan to finish all others, hopefully, in coming weekend. The issue is that I see all the same mistakes which have been discussed many a times in the past. I understand that you all want a review of your own essay and it is probably time consuming or boring to read other essays but trust me that is the best way to learn and avoiding same mistakes again.
Anyways, I think I was repeating same things again and again in my reviews and hence I have decided to write a post on common mistakes I see in essays here and something you all should be careful about.
1. Introduction: What do I mean when I say weak introduction in my essay reviews? In IELTS introduction is probably one of the most important things and IELTS expects you to write your introduction in a certain way. And it is imperative to follow those unwritten rules for IELTS essays
1.1. Always write a paraphrase line for the topic
1.2. When can you write a generic line in introduction: Write a generic line in the introduction only when the topic line is too short. Sometimes in IELTS topic lines are short and just paraphrasing that line will result in a very short introduction para. In such cases you can open the essay with a generic line and then paraphrase the topic line.
1.3. DO NOT bring in new facts to paraphrase line: So, paraphrase line is just that. Paraphrase the topic line completely and do not bring in either new facts or your opinion in that line. Use the next line to do so.
1.4. DO NOT use the line “This essay will discuss … blah blah”: This line is literally #1 on this list here and should not be used in your essay. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
1.5. DO NOT say there are a number of reasons or there are various reasons …. And then just state 1 or 2 to back up your argument. This is true for opening of Body Paragraph 1 as well.
1.6. DO give a glimpse of your essay in introduction: If you wish to make your essay better / unique always give a glimpse of your essay in the introduction. Basically, if you agree to something give a reason why you think so. And then use the same points to expand in the body paragraphs and make sure to use the same order.
2. Body Paragraphs: Here are some of the common errors I see in body paragraphs which should be avoided
2.1. DO NOT use “…… and I agree”: Many times I see essays where first line of BP is “Some people say …..blah blah blah …(basically repeat of topic line) …., and I agree”. This is such an abrupt ending of the first line. And anyways do not repeat the topic lines again and again. Your opinion should be established in introduction and then come straight to your points in BPs.
2.2. DO NOT use “In other words ….”: This is a personal pet peeve of mine. My opinion you are harming your own essay by writing such a line. You are basically telling the examiner oh I gave an argument and then I will repeat the same argument “in other words”. There is no need to do such a thing. Avoid it!
2.3 DO NOT have one body paragraph longer than other: Well I'm not saying they need to have exact word count but when someone looks at an essay one body paragraph should not look considerably longer than the other. This shows either unbalanced arguments or bad paragraphing.
2.4 DO NOT use "This has profound social and economic impacts": I have lost count of the essays which claim that the topic under discussion has impacts on society and economy. Well, almost every topic can have that line. Just have a look around in this forum and you will see almost every 2nd or 3rd essay using this argument. This argument is stale. Be more original.
2.5 Structure for whether you agree with option A vs option B: This is a feedback I have given in almost every review of an essay where question is asking you whether you agree with Option A or Option B. I think a better structure is to write body paragraph for option you disagree with. So, let’s say you agree with Option A. Then write first paragraph about option A and why some people may like it. In the end of the that para write how option A lacks in some areas. Now in body paragraph 2 use those points and show how option B has almost all the advantages of option A but also covers the areas where option A lacks. This I think is a much safer structure to follow.
2.6 DO NOT use sentences like "There is no doubt ...", "It can not be denied that ....", "It is a well known fact that ....", "There is no secret that ...." and all such variations to make an argument. This is also one of my pet peeves. Remember IELTS is looking for your opinion. You may think something is well known but it may not be so. Also, in addition you need to build an argument and not assume something is a universal truth. If you don't agree Liz also has a variation of this on her list #8. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
3. Conclusion: Just like Introduction para IELTS has unwritten rules on how a conclusion must be written. IELTS expects you to revisit all the main points of your essay again in conclusion. The common mistakes to avoid are:
3.1. DO NOT write 1-line conclusion: This can be fixed easily. Please do not write 1-line conclusions. You really need to be a brilliant writer to pull it off. So, please just write at least 2-3 lines in conclusion.
3.2. DO NOT bring new facts / arguments in conclusion: You’re supposed to revisit facts / arguments you already discussed and write them in a different way.
3.3. DO NOT write same lines as introduction: Do not make conclusion another way of writing your introduction paragraph.
I will possibly add more to this post as I remember more common errors and point to this post in my reviews so I’m not repeating myself again and again.
Hope this post helps the current aspirants.
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Hi Cansha,
Thanks for your detailed post. I think I almost went through all the pages and learned a lot.
I could see how passionate you are about the language.
In your common mistakes, I am not very clear about your point 2.5, maybe I am missing the context. Do you mean to say that we should write opponents view in body para 2? Literally, I understood whatever you have suggested in that point, but since this approach is new to me, I would like to make sure my understanding is right.
If it's not too much to ask, can you please refer this point with any of the essays you think is a perfect example of this?
Besides, if you could post any of your sample essays for every type, it would be of great help. (I mean, which you would have written for practicing when you gave the exam. I tried to comb through pages to find one of your essays but not able to.)
Else, it will be useful if you link the old essays which follow the right structure.
Again, I would like to thank you. It's a tremendous help for the aspirants.
The example was on this page .. just a few posts above.
Review: https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7563199
Original Essay: https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-88#post-7534604
One more example:
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-84#post-7501765
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-84#post-7503549
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to make a claim of for my watch that I lost last week when I was on my holiday. Good setting the tone in the very first line.
Let me recount the whole story, No need for this phrase.
My wife bestowed me a silver plated Fossil watch, model FW335 worth $3000 on my last birthday. How is this relevant for insurance company really. Think if you lost something will you just give them item details or give them the history of who gifted you and when. This is a formal letter. Keep it on point.
As the watch was costly, I bought the insurance from your company (insurance number - AB234532) which includes, lost and damages of valuables. I have attached the purchase receipt with this for your reference. This is good just get rid of personal story and this was relevant.
I was on my summer holiday last week, and stayed at The Grand Hyatt hotel. I wore the same watch on my holiday. As I like to swim, I remove removed my watch and put it on the side table near hotel's swimming pool. After about an hour, when I return returned back to get the watch, I found it was not there. Suddenly, wrong word I lodge the complain to the hotel manager just add immediately end of this sentence instead of suddenly at the beginning. Although I stayed 7 days at the hotel, I was unable to found find my watch.
Hence,I would like to make a claim of for my lost as I have great emotions attached with it. So, please provide me the detail details of claim process, and
I look forward to your reply.
Yours faithfully
Mr Sandy Patel
So decent effort. But there are too many errors in grammar. And I think you can keep it simpler. In terms of task response you have covered everything needed. So good job there. The grammar errors should have been avoided. Somehow your tenses are all mixed up. You are narrating a story in past tense but using all present tense verbs. Take care of that.
All the best!
Thanks a lot. I get it now.
I think I might not have written this below essay with all the instructions you provided. However, this one, I wrote long back before I went through all the suggestions. Next time, I will make sure to correct myself before posting anything here.
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-89#post-7547126
One advise I would like to get from you on this is, I am deliberately reducing my sentences length to improve the coherence. Can you please suggest whether it's appropriate when you review this essay?
I went through others essay posted here, and I feel that my vocabulary is not anywhere near to band 7. I know that you would not suggest band but just curious to know your view on this so that I can concentrate on deliberate vocabulary learning.
Thanks for your help.
The way in which governments use public funding is a matter of controversy. Please do not use this sentence on IELTS. This is #4 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/ And I have shared this list many a times here. Not sure why no one reads it. Controversy is a bad word for IELTS.
It is argued by some that major investments should be done in ameliorating Wrong word choice public services rather than in arts (music, theater etc.), since there is no palpable Good word choice benefit from it. I partially agree with this statement as both issues Need a better word here. may be "both areas / avenues or something better" These are not issues these are areas of possibly investment should have equal resources.
There is no doubt Again something I have said many times before not to use this phrase. I will add this to my list. But this is similar to #8 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
that by having modern, efficient and good public services (hospital, schools, roads, and the like), the quality of people's life would definitely be better.
For instance, if educational centers are properly equipped, with top-notch teachers, our kids would receive an excellent education. That is why, public administrations always allocated a significant amount of its budget to this area each fiscal year.
On the other hand, Again an old feedback if you don't use on the one hand before this looks out of place
recreational activities are an intrinsic part of human being. It is an indispensable area not only for entertainment purposes, but is the main way to trigger creativity and imagination, particularly in children. Spain, aware of this undeniable fact, during the last 10 years has set apart a quarter of its annual finances to enhance theaters, music halls and gallery arts to offer a breadth of artistic activities and events to its citizens. Okay
In conclusion, although it is true that governments should pay special attention to public services as they are one of the way of measuring the living standards of a nation, it is also true that arts, in all its expressions, is also factor of that equation, and as such should be also should also be taken into account.
Overall the essay is a decent effort but has all the common issues that have been discussed here many times in the past. So, if you think those points are not valid for you than it is a different matter. Other than that there is nothing bad or exceptional in the essay. Problem is it is difficult to predict how the examiner will treat it on exam day. Depending on an examiner I think this one can get 7.5/7 or a 6.5. So, difficult to say.
All the best!