I did the same for agree/disagree question but I put 2 points for each side. I don’t know if it is a good idea or not to have equal number of points for both sides. My score remained 6.5
IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
- Start date
Hi cansha and Hope & faith,
I am posting another essay, please evaluate this one too and help me in properly structuring it if you think its not upto the mark.
Thanks
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
Today, the world is known to be filled with different kinds of music such as jazz, Indian classical, pop etc. In order to relax and enjoy, we all need music. It is, therefore, essential to preserve music especially traditional music since it represents one’s culture and it is not found everywhere else.
One reason we all listen to music is that it provides relaxation. People need something which can take them away from stress even for a moment and at such time music serves as a peaceful escape. That is the reason why meditation center and spas play music during relaxation sessions. Enjoyment is another reason why we require music. To enjoy, people like to dance, therefore, loud music is often played in parties and clubs. Thus, to get away from stress and have fun people listen to music.
International music is gaining popularity these days and that’s why it can be heard in any part of this world. But, the traditional music is more crucial than foreign one because it represents one’s culture, such as; in India every region has its own folk music which is its identity. Another reason why conventional music is vital because it is unique. Only local artists can play it efficiently as they learn it from their childhood. For instance, it will take years for an American to learn Indian classical. In short, as traditional music symbolizes one’s culture and it has uniqueness, it is more important than overseas music.
To recapitulate, we all need music to get away from a stressful life and to enjoy. However, we should give more emphasis to conventional music since it represents one’s cultural values and it cannot be found easily elsewhere.
I am posting another essay, please evaluate this one too and help me in properly structuring it if you think its not upto the mark.
Thanks
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
Today, the world is known to be filled with different kinds of music such as jazz, Indian classical, pop etc. In order to relax and enjoy, we all need music. It is, therefore, essential to preserve music especially traditional music since it represents one’s culture and it is not found everywhere else.
One reason we all listen to music is that it provides relaxation. People need something which can take them away from stress even for a moment and at such time music serves as a peaceful escape. That is the reason why meditation center and spas play music during relaxation sessions. Enjoyment is another reason why we require music. To enjoy, people like to dance, therefore, loud music is often played in parties and clubs. Thus, to get away from stress and have fun people listen to music.
International music is gaining popularity these days and that’s why it can be heard in any part of this world. But, the traditional music is more crucial than foreign one because it represents one’s culture, such as; in India every region has its own folk music which is its identity. Another reason why conventional music is vital because it is unique. Only local artists can play it efficiently as they learn it from their childhood. For instance, it will take years for an American to learn Indian classical. In short, as traditional music symbolizes one’s culture and it has uniqueness, it is more important than overseas music.
To recapitulate, we all need music to get away from a stressful life and to enjoy. However, we should give more emphasis to conventional music since it represents one’s cultural values and it cannot be found easily elsewhere.
Please see if this time this gets 7 @hope @cansha @vilocity or anyone who can check it for me
All the people in a company should be treated equally and provided with the same number of vacations in a year.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some are of the view that there has to be a uniform treatment to all the employees and allotted with the same vacations every year. I certainly disagree with the notion due to the fact that every position demands unique benefits and off days vary from person-to-person.
To begin with, every employee working in the office should be given unequal amount of perks as they all carry out specific responsibilities. Since every business is a combination of various efforts such as sales, support, product, accounts etc. therefore, they are responsible for a certain amount of output, which is even not equal, in terms of revenue to the organization. If there is not an equilibrium in the amount of revenue they generate then there should e a disparity in the perks as well. For example, an accountant and a marketing head are paid uniquely as they contribute differently to the business.
Moreover, companies should offer uneven leaves to its employees who have unique family status and requirement. This means organisations usually employ people from all backgrounds and status which play a significant role when seeking a vacation. As people are on different stages of life such as being a student, married, parent, they have different needs for an off time from the work therefore, companies should address them accordingly.
To conclude, there is a thought that please should get equal treatment and identical number of leaves. I believe that companies should offer diverse payouts to its employees as their contribution is different and unique likewise, they should offer vacation as per one’s situation and prerequisite which eventually leads to better bond between employer and worker.
All the people in a company should be treated equally and provided with the same number of vacations in a year.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some are of the view that there has to be a uniform treatment to all the employees and allotted with the same vacations every year. I certainly disagree with the notion due to the fact that every position demands unique benefits and off days vary from person-to-person.
To begin with, every employee working in the office should be given unequal amount of perks as they all carry out specific responsibilities. Since every business is a combination of various efforts such as sales, support, product, accounts etc. therefore, they are responsible for a certain amount of output, which is even not equal, in terms of revenue to the organization. If there is not an equilibrium in the amount of revenue they generate then there should e a disparity in the perks as well. For example, an accountant and a marketing head are paid uniquely as they contribute differently to the business.
Moreover, companies should offer uneven leaves to its employees who have unique family status and requirement. This means organisations usually employ people from all backgrounds and status which play a significant role when seeking a vacation. As people are on different stages of life such as being a student, married, parent, they have different needs for an off time from the work therefore, companies should address them accordingly.
To conclude, there is a thought that please should get equal treatment and identical number of leaves. I believe that companies should offer diverse payouts to its employees as their contribution is different and unique likewise, they should offer vacation as per one’s situation and prerequisite which eventually leads to better bond between employer and worker.
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Dear @cansha and other good people here. I would like to let you know that I have finally achieved my desired scores in IELTS exam. I am very thankful to you for your guidance all the way. I would like to share my experience and some tips which could be helpful to others who want to achieve a 7 or above in writing module.
1. Read @cansha 's tips.
2. Focus on the question. Read it atleast 10 times so that you understand it correctly.
3. Plan Plan Plan... Before you begin the essay, develop a good argument with an example if possible.
4. Do not deviate from the question. The response must be strictly limited to what is being asked in the question. (Task Response)
5. Body Paragraphs: As cansha said, begin with a strong line and not a generic one. (E.g. Shopping has become a favourite past time for many young individuals becauseeeee they use this opportunity to meet with their peers) And then elaborate the point.
6. Learn the structure of essays thoroughly i.e. what should be written in each section (Intro, BP1, BP2, Conclusion)
Lastly, never lose hope. Keep trying and you shall succeed. I have given the exam 4 times and finally got L8.5 R7.5 W7 S7.
Thank you once again.
1. Read @cansha 's tips.
2. Focus on the question. Read it atleast 10 times so that you understand it correctly.
3. Plan Plan Plan... Before you begin the essay, develop a good argument with an example if possible.
4. Do not deviate from the question. The response must be strictly limited to what is being asked in the question. (Task Response)
5. Body Paragraphs: As cansha said, begin with a strong line and not a generic one. (E.g. Shopping has become a favourite past time for many young individuals becauseeeee they use this opportunity to meet with their peers) And then elaborate the point.
6. Learn the structure of essays thoroughly i.e. what should be written in each section (Intro, BP1, BP2, Conclusion)
Lastly, never lose hope. Keep trying and you shall succeed. I have given the exam 4 times and finally got L8.5 R7.5 W7 S7.
Thank you once again.
Sometimes it becomes tough for me to review because I don't want you to feel discouraged but I can't lie and say it is a good essay because then that would be dishonest and would cost you on actual exam. I'm not reviewing this one because this doesn't seem like your best effort and you have written better than this before. So for now just ignore this one.
To be honest, this is probably a tough essay topic and I can clearly see you were not very comfortable with the topic. The biggest issue is Task Response and it is not up to the mark. My suggestion would be just google this essay topic and try to find more ideas on this essay topic so that in case this happens on exam you have better points.
All the best!
Hello everyone,
I have been taking the IELTS general for 6 times however I cannot get a 7 from writing(Listening:9/ Reading:9/ Speaking:8). I wish to share my latest essay and I will be grateful if you can check my paper and share any fundamental problems if any.
I wish everyone success in the exams.
The development of tourism contributed to English becoming the most prominent language in the world. Some people think this will lead to English becoming the only language to be spoken globally.
What are the advantages and disadvantages to having one language in the world?
The rising tendency of people to travel has enabled English to be spreaded all around the world, therefore many people believe it will be the only language that is spoken in the future. In this essay, the benefits and drawbacks of having one language worldwide will be explained.
On the one hand, there are plentiful benefits of having only one language globally. Firstly, people will feel more convenient to communicate with individuals from other nations. This can increase the integration among the societies and allow them to unite for global problems. Thus, individuals all around the world can exchange information more comfortably to solve world problems such as global warming or natural disasters. Secondly, the level of commercial activity among countries may soar thanks to the distruption of language barriers that hamper trade flow. Consequently, the welfare of the countries will increase with utilizing the advantages of global trade further. Lastly, students may enrol to universities without any language proficiency, hence pupils can enjoy studying without language proficiency restrictions.
On the other hand, there many disadvantages of having only just one language globally. Initially, the disappearence of languages would destroy the cultural aspects around the world which would vanish customs and traditions. Further, people may prefer to travel to abroad less often than today, since the attractiveness of the distinctions in cultures will not available.
To sum up, having only one language in the world comes with both benefits and drawbacks. Prominent members in the world should analyse both sides and respond this matter after making a careful decision.
I have been taking the IELTS general for 6 times however I cannot get a 7 from writing(Listening:9/ Reading:9/ Speaking:8). I wish to share my latest essay and I will be grateful if you can check my paper and share any fundamental problems if any.
I wish everyone success in the exams.
The development of tourism contributed to English becoming the most prominent language in the world. Some people think this will lead to English becoming the only language to be spoken globally.
What are the advantages and disadvantages to having one language in the world?
The rising tendency of people to travel has enabled English to be spreaded all around the world, therefore many people believe it will be the only language that is spoken in the future. In this essay, the benefits and drawbacks of having one language worldwide will be explained.
On the one hand, there are plentiful benefits of having only one language globally. Firstly, people will feel more convenient to communicate with individuals from other nations. This can increase the integration among the societies and allow them to unite for global problems. Thus, individuals all around the world can exchange information more comfortably to solve world problems such as global warming or natural disasters. Secondly, the level of commercial activity among countries may soar thanks to the distruption of language barriers that hamper trade flow. Consequently, the welfare of the countries will increase with utilizing the advantages of global trade further. Lastly, students may enrol to universities without any language proficiency, hence pupils can enjoy studying without language proficiency restrictions.
On the other hand, there many disadvantages of having only just one language globally. Initially, the disappearence of languages would destroy the cultural aspects around the world which would vanish customs and traditions. Further, people may prefer to travel to abroad less often than today, since the attractiveness of the distinctions in cultures will not available.
To sum up, having only one language in the world comes with both benefits and drawbacks. Prominent members in the world should analyse both sides and respond this matter after making a careful decision.
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Welcome to the thread. Your scores in other 3 sections are EXCELLENT!! This basically means your English language skills are more than adequate to ace the test. I'm surprised you have taken test 6 times for writing.
BUT looking at your essay and I can see many common errors discussed here many times. Let's have a look.
The rising tendency of people to travel has enabled English to be spreaded all around the world, therefore many people believe it will be the only language that is spoken in the future. In this essay, the benefits and drawbacks of having one language worldwide will be explained.
Weak Intro with a line that almost always kills your introduction. Refer point 1.4 ttps://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Looking at your paragraph lengths - point 2.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
On the one hand, there are plentiful benefits of having only one language globally. You're wasting first line of the paragraph. This line adds no value to your essay and is generic line. Start your BP with your argument / hypothesis. The structure for BP is simple Your Argument / Hypothesis -> Supporting line / Explanation line -> Relevant example if any -> Concluding line / leading line to next paragraph (Optional)
Firstly, people will feel more convenient to communicate with individuals from other nations. This can increase the integration among the societies and allow them to unite for global problems. Okay fair argument. But you see you are breaking this thought in two lines here where you could have easily combined these two lines to write a more complex sentence to show more ability with language
Thus, individuals all around the world can exchange information more comfortably to solve world problems such as global warming or natural disasters. Now this is where you're getting too philosophical and hence outside the scope of topic.
Secondly, the level of commercial activity among countries may soar thanks to the distruption of language barriers that hamper trade flow. HOW?? Common mistake in IELTS assuming examiner will fill in the blanks. How will trade benefit. You need to forge your argument more strongly.
Consequently, the welfare of the countries will increase with utilizing the advantages of global trade further. Again HOW?
Lastly, students may enrol to universities without any language proficiency, hence pupils can enjoy studying without language proficiency restrictions. Too many ideas but no idea developed to its full potential.
On the other hand, there many disadvantages of having only just one language globally. You have only 3 lines in BP2 and first line is a generic line which adds no value to your argument -> bad task response.
Initially, the disappearence of languages would destroy the cultural aspects around the world which would vanish customs and traditions. HOW? Never assume in IELTS - Oh it's obvious how it will make cultures disappear, tell us why you think so.
Further, people may prefer to travel to abroad less often than today, since the attractiveness of the distinctions in cultures will not available. Is culture limited to language? Do people only travel to see culture and not say monuments / beaches / mountains ??? Do you see how if you don't qualify your argument it doesn't make sense.
To sum up, having only one language in the world comes with both benefits and drawbacks. Prominent members in the world should analyse both sides and respond this matter after making a careful decision.
Poor conclusion. Refer section 3 of this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Overall, given your scores in other sections I'm a little surprised by lack of complex sentences, vocabulary and different sentence types. BUT, that is not the biggest issue here. Fact is you don't really need to write too many difficult words or complex sentences to get a 7. The thing that MATTERS MOST is Task Response. And, fact is the above essay lacks it. And that is the biggest obstacle between you and a 7+ score.
But, it can be fixed easily. Read more essays and spend more time in planning your essays. Follow the "structure". The key to scoring better in IELTS writing is to read more high band essays then just writing essays.
You already have the skills needed but you need to focus a little bit more. This thread will help you. Go back some 20/30 pages and read more reviews. Spend time in just reading stuff and then come back with another essay.
All the best!
Yes - you are right - this is not the best effort. I have read more on this and realized what's my error.
I could not really hold myself to evaluate my work myself to encounter my errors and I easily figured out my issue.
A
Like the argument, conclusion is identical.
Takeaway : I think I have made this blunder which started in the intro itself because I and we all, look for synonyms to build better intro(paraphrase) and this is where we go off track in terms of TR coz we pick up synonyms in following BPs and build the argument.
Treat = Treatment = perks to senior management like flying business class as their time is crucial and cannot be wasted in travel.
Vacation = Leaves(Incorrect in context) = Paid trip to Paris if someone perform outstanding at work.
Please correct me if I wrong.
Like the argument, conclusion is identical. Correct
Takeaway : I think I have made this blunder which started in the intro itself because I and we all, look for synonyms to build better intro(paraphrase) and this is where we go off track in terms of R coz we pick up synonyms in following BPs and build the argument.
Treat = Treatment = perks to senior management like flying business class as their time is crucial and cannot be wasted in travel. This argument is also flawed. Business class travel doesn't save time. The flight will still take same time but yes more comfort.
Vacation = Leaves(Incorrect in context) = Paid trip to Paris if someone perform outstanding at work. Leaves and vacation days are kind of similar in the context of this essay but you're taking the essay in a very wrong direction.
Think about the topic a little more - Have you seen companies which give vacation days based on function / department? I don't think so. May be there are a few but I don't think there are many. So your argument if someone works in sales vs IT they should have different vacation days may not be correct.
Now think about on what basis leaves could be different in companies - Years of Service? - Yes. In fact , in Canada number of leaves depend on your years of service in that company. You get additional days with milestones like 5 years of service etc.
Similarly number of vacation days could vary based on level in an organization. Senior level gets more vacation days vs junior level.
No company offers leaves based on family status. Yes there may be leaves available based on specific circumstances like maternity leave but that is not applicable to all. So whole BP2 is irrelevant.
If you start your essay and set up in introduction why leave days could vary and then elaborate on why you agree or disagree with those practices you would be hitting on task response.
Please correct me if I wrong.
Another advice: Do not over do the essay. Keep it concise, to the point and follow the structure.
Your body para 1 has many ideas but body para 2 has very few. This will cost you. Before starting just choose max 2 of each side.
I have given my suggestions up in this thread which I think can help you ace your writing module.
Good luck.
Thanks a lot for taking time to shed time upon Idea development. I am going back to read more and will be back with improved writing sample.Like the argument, conclusion is identical. Correct
Takeaway : I think I have made this blunder which started in the intro itself because I and we all, look for synonyms to build better intro(paraphrase) and this is where we go off track in terms of R coz we pick up synonyms in following BPs and build the argument.
Treat = Treatment = perks to senior management like flying business class as their time is crucial and cannot be wasted in travel. This argument is also flawed. Business class travel doesn't save time. The flight will still take same time but yes more comfort. Agreed
Vacation = Leaves(Incorrect in context) = Paid trip to Paris if someone perform outstanding at work. Leaves and vacation days are kind of similar in the context of this essay but you're taking the essay in a very wrong direction. Yes.
Think about the topic a little more - Have you seen companies which give vacation days based on function / department? I don't think so. May be there are a few but I don't think there are many. So your argument if someone works in sales vs IT they should have different vacation days may not be correct.
Now think about on what basis leaves could be different in companies - Years of Service? - Yes. In fact , in Canada number of leaves depend on your years of service in that company. You get additional days with milestones like 5 years of service etc. I could not really thought like it..
Similarly number of vacation days could vary based on level in an organization. Senior level gets more vacation days vs junior level.
No company offers leaves based on family status. Yes there may be leaves available based on specific circumstances like maternity leave but that is not applicable to all. So whole BP2 is irrelevant.
If you start your essay and set up in introduction why leave days could vary and then elaborate on why you agree or disagree with those practices you would be hitting on task response.
Please correct me if I wrong.
@cansha , Can you please review the below essay, I will be highly thankful for your suggestions.
Topic:
In some of the societies the number of the crimes by teenagers is growing.Some people think regardless of the age,teenagers who commit major crimes should receive adult punishment.To what extent do you agree ?
Essay:
In the salad days of the millenium, there is a dramatic increase in the crime rate especially by the teenagers.Some critics believe that these underage criminal should be treated in a similar way as adult offenders in terms of the punishment and some disagree with this view.However, I believe that juvenile should be punished equally as adult if they have committed serious crime but in case if they are involved in minor illegal activities they should not be treated as adult culprit.Let's delve deep into this essay to understand both views.
To embark with, teenager indulged in heinous crimes like murder, rape and lot more should receive adult punishment so that they think twice before committing such hate worthy activities. Moreover giving stringent punishment like life sentence would create a kind of fear in them and they would forbid themselves from doing crimes.For instance, in dubai if a person commit rape, he is given life imprisonment and even death sentence no matter what's the age of the offender. In addition to this, the age does not make sense in embarrassing figures of crime.It means crime is crime and when someone committed that, no regret would be accepted especially about the major crimes.
Nevertheless, now the question arises does giving equivalent punishment to adolescents like adult will be a permanent solution for this problem? No, group of people believe that they should be sent to rehabilitation centers on committing the first time crime rather than treating them as adult criminals because they are immature and do not know about right and wrong so they should be educated in rehabilitation centers by incorporating social and moral skills resulting in their transformation to a better citizen. Futhermore, they should be kept away from adult criminals because teenagers are sometimes influenced by these people and they become master in their unethical activities. For instance, in delhi a 15 year old children is convicted in a kidnapping case and he revealed that he learn all these wrong traits from the people in imprisonment when was caught and punished for shoplifting.
In a nutshell,I assert that teenagers breaking law should be punished equivalent to adult depending on the crime they committed as they are future of the country and in addition to this authorities should step forward and create awareness among these people by organizing educational campaign to stop them from committing crimes.
Topic:
In some of the societies the number of the crimes by teenagers is growing.Some people think regardless of the age,teenagers who commit major crimes should receive adult punishment.To what extent do you agree ?
Essay:
In the salad days of the millenium, there is a dramatic increase in the crime rate especially by the teenagers.Some critics believe that these underage criminal should be treated in a similar way as adult offenders in terms of the punishment and some disagree with this view.However, I believe that juvenile should be punished equally as adult if they have committed serious crime but in case if they are involved in minor illegal activities they should not be treated as adult culprit.Let's delve deep into this essay to understand both views.
To embark with, teenager indulged in heinous crimes like murder, rape and lot more should receive adult punishment so that they think twice before committing such hate worthy activities. Moreover giving stringent punishment like life sentence would create a kind of fear in them and they would forbid themselves from doing crimes.For instance, in dubai if a person commit rape, he is given life imprisonment and even death sentence no matter what's the age of the offender. In addition to this, the age does not make sense in embarrassing figures of crime.It means crime is crime and when someone committed that, no regret would be accepted especially about the major crimes.
Nevertheless, now the question arises does giving equivalent punishment to adolescents like adult will be a permanent solution for this problem? No, group of people believe that they should be sent to rehabilitation centers on committing the first time crime rather than treating them as adult criminals because they are immature and do not know about right and wrong so they should be educated in rehabilitation centers by incorporating social and moral skills resulting in their transformation to a better citizen. Futhermore, they should be kept away from adult criminals because teenagers are sometimes influenced by these people and they become master in their unethical activities. For instance, in delhi a 15 year old children is convicted in a kidnapping case and he revealed that he learn all these wrong traits from the people in imprisonment when was caught and punished for shoplifting.
In a nutshell,I assert that teenagers breaking law should be punished equivalent to adult depending on the crime they committed as they are future of the country and in addition to this authorities should step forward and create awareness among these people by organizing educational campaign to stop them from committing crimes.