IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

Hi Folks,

Apart checking essays written by members, I want to raise a question on essay structure.

On several pages before, one member suggested that writing an agree/disagree essay would require us to discuss both view before drawing our opinion. However, Simon said (just recently, in July post):

Don’t structure an “opinion” essay like this:

1. Introduction
2. Paragraph supporting the opposite opinion
3. Paragraph supporting my opinion
4. Conclusion

He explained that it was because para 2 had nothing to do with an opinion essay. We should state our position and stick to that.

What do you think?

Similarly, questions like "are there more advantages or disadvantages?" and "is it negative or positive trend/thing?" are opinion essay, correct?

Depends on how the question is framed. In many cases IELTS question would be "Discuss both views and give your opinion". You need to give your opinion after discussing both views.

If question is are there more advantages / disadvantages -> How can you say there are more advantages or more disadvantages unless you count both and show which count is greater. And hence you need to write both sides.

If the question is whether it is a positive thing or negative thing -> You can take a clear position and stick to that.

Even in a discuss both sides kind of essay you can write the same essay in many different ways depending on your point of view. May be this post can help https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269377

Bottom line do not follow a fix / rigid structure. Read the question and see what is required and decide based on that.

 

[canadavisa000]

@cansha I am new to IELTS. It seems like you are helping many folks with their Writing section. Could you please review mine too and share your feedback. Thanks for your help.

In the modern world, many children spend a lot of time in front of computers, televisions and smartphones. This is very harmful to them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern times, it is considered that more number of offsprings utilize most of their time using technical gadgets such as cellphones, televisions and laptops. Although these innovative equipment have provided sophisticated life, it will also dangerously impact adolescents, which makes me to completely agree that these tools are not to be overused by children.

First of all, youngsters are living in their own world with electronic devices for day and night due to which they lose their imagination skill and memory power. In addition, this also negatively impacts not only their academic score but also their extra curricular activities. For example, A recent survey conducted by Bay Times exposes that 80% children, who have been using technical gadgets in Toronto City, are having dangerous brain illness. Therefore, adolescents must be educated about how harmful these devices are for humans life if we overuse them.

Handling smartphones for longer hours may develop serious problem with children's personal relationships which will also isolate them from normal social life. Furthermore, cellphones and desktops may help them to have many virtual friends but not the real friends who can help them when they are in need of any help. To illustrate this, my close friend's 8 year-old daughter was actively using facebook for chatting with her friends for more than a year and it is recently brought to our notice that she had been living her life virtually without even coming out from house. This crucial incident taught us a lesson to protect our future monsters from new technologies.

In conclusion, while it is quite evident that technology has brought us many advantages, we must also acknowledge the critical issues introduced in our youngsters life. In my opinion, I completely agree that children who are overusing electrical gadgets are having mental and physical problem which directly affects their personal life.

 

[cansha]

Hi @cansha can you review mine as well? and tell me if this qualifies for at least a 7?


Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

It is said by some that advertising drives us to make unnecessary purchases, while others say that it is a medium of information to keep us updated with the latest products. Very good paraphrase line.

While I agree that advertisements are necessary to keep us updated, we must, however, not be misled to spend when not required. In an essay topic which has such divergent view points and they ask you which viewpoint you agree with, it would be a better idea to make your opinion clear and pick one. There is nothing wrong in taking a balanced opinion but the sentence you have written is not very clear. And this would hurt your task response evaluation.

Firstly, advertisements keep us up to date regarding the latest products and the newest launches. Generic line
These could be home improvement, new technology or services. Moreover, advertisements go one step further to elaborate on the benefits of a product against an existing product and its problems. Generic line
For example, when Unilever’s Surf Excel launch their liquid clothes soap, it launched with a television advertisement that spoke about the benefits of liquid clothes soap versus the previous powder soap and its issues. Example line
Consequently, buyers become confident in making purchases without which they would be apprehensive to try a new product. opinion / argument line.

See the issue here you opened the paragraph with a line which is almost a repeat of intro. Your last line gives insight into why you think advertisement help. Reason being they help make you a decision in case you are apprehensive about a product. Now if you make it your opening line of the paragraph and start your argument from there you would create more impact. Always ask what is your message / story and start there. See structure is simple -> Your opinion / argument / story -> Supporting statement -> example statement.

Secondly, advertisements help keep up with the latest trends and newest technology. This is especially useful to buyers so they are aware of when to upgrade their old products. For instance, iPhone users are well aware of when Apple’s next software upgrade is, owing to their timely announcements thereby ensuring their phones are on at that time to receive the software update first. As a result, Apple ensures that through advertisements their users stay updated with the latest updates improving their product experience.
I'm sorry this one is bad. Even the example chosen is bad. Do you really think Apple advertises software upgrades and hence that's why people update the software. It appears to me you started the essay without thinking through the whole thing and by the time you came to BP2 you were fishing for ideas. Happens with everyone. Just try to plan the essay more.

In conclusion, I believe that advertising provides us with the knowledge of new products that may bring improvement to our lives. However, we must spend wisely and be aware of what products we require to not buy those that we do not need.

Poor conclusion. Refer here section 3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Let's start with bad news. I don't think this one will get a 7 on the exam.

Now the positives -> You don't seem to have issues with Grammar and your English is good enough to score 7/8 in IELTS writing. What I see lacking is application. You really need to think through the essay and build a rough structure before you start writing the essay.

You seem to have nailed the paraphrase line here and many people falter on that so that is a big positive. Your first BP also had the right ideas but poor execution.

In short, you can score 7+ easily but you really need to read more essays and spend time in structuring your thoughts. All the best!

 

[cansha]

@cansha I am new to IELTS. It seems like you are helping many folks with their Writing section. Could you please review mine too and share your feedback. Thanks for your help.

In the modern world, many children spend a lot of time in front of computers, televisions and smartphones. This is very harmful to them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Welcome to the thread!

In modern times, it is considered that more number of offsprings I know people say use more synonyms but I feel youngster may be a better word here. I know you used it later in the BP and hence wanted to use a different word but there is no need to have 3/4 synonyms of same word. I know opinions are divided on this but I don't see any value in it. It is more distracting to me. Keep doing it if you want to though.
utilize most of their time using technical gadgets such as cellphones, televisions and laptops.

Although these innovative equipment have provided sophisticated life, it will also dangerously impact adolescents, which makes me to completely agree that these tools are not to be overused by children.This could be better written. Also I would avoid "dangerously". .//

First of all, youngsters are living in their own world with electronic devices for day and night due to which they lose their imagination skill and memory power. How?? Good argument but next statement needs to substantiate that how would that happen. You just added a sub argument in next statement but didn't explain how using electronic devices kills imagination skill. If you think it is obvious it is not. Because examiner may feel but computers increase imagination with all the 3D things, augmented reality that is being added these days.
In addition, this also negatively impacts not only their academic score but also their extra curricular activities. Again how? You are making an argument but not finishing it.
For example, A recent survey conducted by Bay Times exposes that 80% children, who have been using technical gadgets in Toronto City, are having dangerous brain illness. Bad sentence. And this example has absolutely no relation to your two previous arguments
Therefore, adolescents must be educated about how harmful these devices are for humans life if we overuse them.Totally useless line

So yes you have read about "the structure" for IELTS and you have done a good job of following it. But above paragraph lacks in both task response and cohesion.
So let's say your argument is their academic score suffers -> support it by saying because they don't spend as much time in studying core subjects as in the past. Or when you say extra curricular activities suffer -> say that people don't play outdoor sports instead play video games. I agree that may have seemed "obvious" in your head when you wrote it BUT in IELTS you have to make the full argument and not leave for examiner to fill in the blanks.

Handling smartphones for longer hours may develop serious problem with children's personal relationships which will also isolate them from normal social life. HOW?
Furthermore, cellphones and desktops may help them to have many virtual friends but not the real friends who can help them when they are in need of any help. Similar argument as previous line but doesn't answer how.
To illustrate this, my close friend's 8 year-old daughter was actively using facebook for chatting with her friends for more than a year and it is recently brought to our notice that she had been living her life virtually without even coming out from house. This example makes no sense. yes you can makeup examples in IELTS but not like this.
This crucial incident taught us a lesson to protect our future monsters from new technologies.Too dramatic and equally unnecessary

Kudos on the structure !

In conclusion, while it is quite evident that technology has brought us many advantages, we must also acknowledge the critical issues introduced in our youngsters life. Waste of line
In my opinion, I completely agree that children You are writing intro para again.
who are overusing electrical gadgets are having mental and physical problem which directly affects their personal life.
Overall bad job in conclusion. Read this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

This is not a bad attempt if this was your first essay. Good thing is that you are following "the structure" in BPs. You just need to think more and make your arguments more lucid.

All the best!

 

[Aruntocanada]

@cansha@hope and anyone: please check if this letter is fine for a Band 7


You are going to visit New Zealand for an 'English and Homestay' program. You have just received details of your homestay host family.
Write your first letter to the family. In your letter

• · introduce yourself
• · ask the family some questions to get information that is important to you
• · tell the family about your arrival date and time

Dear John,

I am writing to thank you and our family for hosting me in New Zealand, under “English and Homestay”program.

My Name is Aron and I am a management student with “Latron University” here in London, UK. Although, my native place is Ireland however, I moved here to the university last year for my studies. Since I am keen to explore English countries and learn about their culture, I enrolled myself in the aforementioned program and got selected for a week-long trip.

To begin with, it would like to know about the climate conditions in “Wellington” so that I can pick up appropriate clothes and shoes accordingly. Additionally, I would need to know if there is any pay-to-use laundry services available in the apartment. If same is not available, then please suggest some options available nearby.

Moreover, my flight is scheduled to arrive at the Wellington Airport at 10:00AM local time on August 19, 2019. As I have already got the details from our program coordinator regarding cab services and local transport, I will be able to manage my travel to the home-stay.

Yours Sincerely
Aron John

 

[ComingSoon91]

Hello all,

Can someone please review my essay ? I have been stuck at 6.5 for a while now.

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should
be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

---

While some argue that training children to work as unit is essential, others think that offering them challenges is more beneficial. While the skill of working together can help them prepare to join the workforce, I believe that seeing others as competitors helps them to thrive.

On the one hand, some see the practice of making children work together is an important training course to join the job market. This is because being a team player is a critical value in a world where communication skills are required for almost every type of labor. For example, a study held at Princeton University shows that schools that engage younger students with group activities generate better quality employees in the future. However, I disagree with this sentiment because it leads to most youngsters being dependent on other smarter individuals which makes this fail in the future.

On the other hand, others claim that creating a mindset of competition can help the young ones thrive. The eagerness to be the best, they believe, can unleash the full potential of a child who would always be willing to develop and become better. For instance, a recent study showed that students who find others scoring higher grades tend to study harder than those who lack this kind of competition. This is why it is my firm belief that keeping children challenged is vital to bring the best out of them.

In conclusion, although children need to learn how to cooperate to get ready to work when they become adults, I strongly think that nothing works better in making youngsters excel than being continuously challenged.

---

Thank you in advance.

 

[R_H_T]

Please review this essay.

Some people think the governments should increase the cost of fuel for cars and other vehicles in order to solve environmental problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?


The topic of whether the rates of fossil fuels such as petrol should be hiked by the authorities is of concern for many people. Some insist that to mitigate environmental issues, this change is compulsory. As for me, I wholeheartedly disagree with the above notion and the reasons for my inclination are glanced through in ensuring paragraphs.

Increasing fuel prices can not be the effective solution to handle global warming. To commence with, affluent has no influence of this step as they can spend their money for anything. In other words, the wealthy people of the globe have extra money and this surplus amount they will spend on petrol, if governments increase the amount of fuel. To cite an example, in South Arabia, the local government costs more money for fuels, but the local as well as rich people still ride their cars on roads as they do not have any effects by the hike. Therefore, price hike is not effective and it only affects the middle class population.

Furthermore, the government can co-operate with the researchers and they can invent cars and other vehicles, that do not need fossil fuel. Simply put, world has many sustainable resources namely, solar energy, wind energy, hence the researchers can develop vehicle that runs on solar power instead of petrol, that helps to overcome the environmental problems. For instance, few years ago, one has made a solar car which does not require petrol or diesel, thus governments should make more pieces of this types of cars and other vehicles, not only to save the environment, but also to stop humans unnatural deaths.

To conclude, the alternative option of fossil fuels can curtail the air pollution and other issues related to climate change.

Please @cansha review this essay

 

[canadavisa000]

Thanks a lot for your time and feedback, @cansha . I will work on the suggested improvements. You're awesome!!!.

Welcome to the thread!

In modern times, it is considered that more number of offsprings I know people say use more synonyms but I feel youngster may be a better word here. I know you used it later in the BP and hence wanted to use a different word but there is no need to have 3/4 synonyms of same word. I know opinions are divided on this but I don't see any value in it. It is more distracting to me. Keep doing it if you want to though.
utilize most of their time using technical gadgets such as cellphones, televisions and laptops.

Although these innovative equipment have provided sophisticated life, it will also dangerously impact adolescents, which makes me to completely agree that these tools are not to be overused by children.This could be better written. Also I would avoid "dangerously". .//

First of all, youngsters are living in their own world with electronic devices for day and night due to which they lose their imagination skill and memory power. How?? Good argument but next statement needs to substantiate that how would that happen. You just added a sub argument in next statement but didn't explain how using electronic devices kills imagination skill. If you think it is obvious it is not. Because examiner may feel but computers increase imagination with all the 3D things, augmented reality that is being added these days.
In addition, this also negatively impacts not only their academic score but also their extra curricular activities. Again how? You are making an argument but not finishing it.
For example, A recent survey conducted by Bay Times exposes that 80% children, who have been using technical gadgets in Toronto City, are having dangerous brain illness. Bad sentence. And this example has absolutely no relation to your two previous arguments
Therefore, adolescents must be educated about how harmful these devices are for humans life if we overuse them.Totally useless line

So yes you have read about "the structure" for IELTS and you have done a good job of following it. But above paragraph lacks in both task response and cohesion.
So let's say your argument is their academic score suffers -> support it by saying because they don't spend as much time in studying core subjects as in the past. Or when you say extra curricular activities suffer -> say that people don't play outdoor sports instead play video games. I agree that may have seemed "obvious" in your head when you wrote it BUT in IELTS you have to make the full argument and not leave for examiner to fill in the blanks.

Handling smartphones for longer hours may develop serious problem with children's personal relationships which will also isolate them from normal social life. HOW?
Furthermore, cellphones and desktops may help them to have many virtual friends but not the real friends who can help them when they are in need of any help. Similar argument as previous line but doesn't answer how.
To illustrate this, my close friend's 8 year-old daughter was actively using facebook for chatting with her friends for more than a year and it is recently brought to our notice that she had been living her life virtually without even coming out from house. This example makes no sense. yes you can makeup examples in IELTS but not like this.
This crucial incident taught us a lesson to protect our future monsters from new technologies.Too dramatic and equally unnecessary

Kudos on the structure !

In conclusion, while it is quite evident that technology has brought us many advantages, we must also acknowledge the critical issues introduced in our youngsters life. Waste of line
In my opinion, I completely agree that children You are writing intro para again.
who are overusing electrical gadgets are having mental and physical problem which directly affects their personal life.
Overall bad job in conclusion. Read this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

This is not a bad attempt if this was your first essay. Good thing is that you are following "the structure" in BPs. You just need to think more and make your arguments more lucid.

All the best!

 

[cansha]

Please review this essay.

Some people think the governments should increase the cost of fuel for cars and other vehicles in order to solve environmental problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The topic of whether the rates of fossil fuels such as petrol should be hiked by the authorities is of concern for many people. Some insist that to mitigate environmental issues, this change is compulsory. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think it would be better to keep paraphrasing simple. May be look at videos of Liz on paraphrasing.
As for me, I wholeheartedly Verbose.
disagree with the above notion and the reasons for my inclination are glanced through in ensuring paragraphs. Too many words but sadly no value add to your essay. If you think about it you can write the same line for any essay topic and hence you are not adding any value to your task response. Rather than writing this give some "glimpse" to your essay to set the tone and make your essay more interesting.

Increasing fuel prices can not be the effective solution to handle global warming. Generic line. No argument. Waste of a line for opening a BP.
To commence with, affluent has no influence of this step as they can spend their money for anything. Ah not a very convincing argument and not even sure it is on topic.
In other words, point 2.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
the wealthy people of the globe have extra money and this surplus amount they will spend on petrol, if governments increase the amount of fuel. To cite an example, in South Arabia, the local government costs more money for fuels, but the local as well as rich people still ride their cars on roads as they do not have any effects by the hike. Therefore, price hike is not effective and it only affects the middle class population. Okay I don't think it is a good argument but let's ignore it for the time being. The biggest challenge is that the argument is incomplete and doesn't relate back to the topic at all. Why?

Your argument is rich will still buy petrol and ride cars and middle class will get impacted. What does that mean? Your argument would be complete if you say richer people have more percentage of cars compared to middle class. Let's say rich own 80% of the cars and hence even if you increase the price they will still ride it. Since middle class has only 20% of cars even if they ride less it doesn't solve the issue. There is no quantification in your argument and left to the reader's imagination on why you think it won't help. You need to close your arguments stronger.

Furthermore, the government can co-operate with the researchers and they can invent cars and other vehicles, that do not need fossil fuel. Simply put, world has many sustainable resources namely, solar energy, wind energy, hence the researchers can develop vehicle that runs on solar power instead of petrol, that helps to overcome the environmental problems. For instance, few years ago, one has made a solar car which does not require petrol or diesel, thus governments should make more pieces of this types of cars and other vehicles, not only to save the environment, but also to stop humans unnatural deaths. You are writing words but it is lacking in both task response and coherence and cohesion. I don't think you put a lot of effort in planning the essay. And I understand that. It is very tough to do so as we tend to "write the essay". They key to IELTS is planning the essay and not just practice writing the essay. You need to study more essays and build an idea bank to have ideas to tackle different kind of essays.

To conclude, the alternative option of fossil fuels can curtail the air pollution and other issues related to climate change.

One line conclusion are very difficult to pull off in case you are not a highly skilled writer. Do not do this on exam. More in section 3 here https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Positives are I don't see any issues with Grammar or writing English. But, you need to word hard on planning your essay and think through the essay topic. It takes just 2 weeks of concentrated effort to do so. All the best!

 

[cansha]

@cansha@hope and anyone: please check if this letter is fine for a Band 7


You are going to visit New Zealand for an 'English and Homestay' program. You have just received details of your homestay host family.
Write your first letter to the family. In your letter

• · introduce yourself
• · ask the family some questions to get information that is important to you
• · tell the family about your arrival date and time

Dear John,

I am writing to thank you and our your silly mistake! family for hosting me in New Zealand, under “English and Homestay”<space missing> program.

My Name Why is N capital here? is Aron and I am a management student with “Latron University” no need for quotes here in London, UK. Although, my native place is Ireland however, I moved here to the university last year for my studies. Since I am keen to explore English countries and learn about their culture, I enrolled myself in the aforementioned program and got selected for a week-long trip.

To begin with, It is a semi formal letter this is too Task 2 kind of phrase. it would like to know about the climate conditions in “Wellington” Why are you using quotes? so that I can pick up appropriate clothes and shoes accordingly. Additionally, I would need to know if there is any pay-to-use laundry services available in the apartment. If same is not available, then please suggest some options available nearby.

Moreover, Why moreover here? my flight is scheduled to arrive at the Wellington Airport at 10:00AM local time on August 19, 2019. As I have already got the details from our program coordinator regarding cab services and local transport, I will be able to manage my travel to the home-stay. your home.

Yours Sincerely
Aron John

Content is good enough for task 1 but there are too many avoidable silly mistakes. Avoid those and it should be good for band 7.

 

[Aruntocanada]

Dear John,

I am writing to thank you and our your silly mistake! family for hosting me in New Zealand, under “English and Homestay”<space missing> program.

My Name Why is N capital here? is Aron and I am a management student with “Latron University” no need for quotes here in London, UK. Although, my native place is Ireland however, I moved here to the university last year for my studies. Since I am keen to explore English countries and learn about their culture, I enrolled myself in the aforementioned program and got selected for a week-long trip.

To begin with, It is a semi formal letter this is too Task 2 kind of phrase. it would like to know about the climate conditions in “Wellington” Why are you using quotes? so that I can pick up appropriate clothes and shoes accordingly. Additionally, I would need to know if there is any pay-to-use laundry services available in the apartment. If same is not available, then please suggest some options available nearby.

Moreover, Why moreover here? my flight is scheduled to arrive at the Wellington Airport at 10:00AM local time on August 19, 2019. As I have already got the details from our program coordinator regarding cab services and local transport, I will be able to manage my travel to the home-stay. your home.

Yours Sincerely
Aron John

Content is good enough for task 1 but there are too many avoidable silly mistakes. Avoid those and it should be good for band 7.

Thanks for your review! after reading a lot of correct letter and essay content, and following reviews on this thread, I am now close to what is needed for band 7. Letter seems to be fine for now, will write some good essays and need your views.

A big thanks to your evaluation and feedback !!

 

[amritvirk88]

Please @cansha review this essay

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the govt. should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits.

To what extent do you agree?


To ensure the safety of citizens is a big responsibility of every government. Thus, many people argue that the expenditure on security should be more than on other social benefits. I do not agree with this view. In my opinion every country should spend equal amount on defense and other social benefits.

There is no denying the fact that a powerful military can ensure the safety of citizens and maintain peace in a country. A strong military deters aggressive neighbors or terrorists from attacking a country and in this way preventing the lives of civilian. Moreover, if the people work in more secure environment then it will increase the prosperity of that nation. The surroundings of territory will be more peaceful and people lead happy life.

However, the spending on forces cannot beat the expense of social spending because the social welfare is as crucial as safety. The administration is responsible to ensure that all the people can have their basic needs such as food, work, shelter and health care. By providing welfare for the neediest members of the society through various schemes, the state can improve their living standards and make it people happy and contended. Furthermore, householders are entitled to receive comfort because they pay taxes to authority.

In conclusion, the governance should give as much importance to the welfare of the residents as to their safety and it will do more harm than good if it reduces the spending on social welfare for increasing army payouts.

 

[cansha]

Please @cansha review this essay

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the govt. should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits.

To what extent do you agree?

To ensure the safety of citizens is a big responsibility of every government. Thus, many people argue that the expenditure on security should be more than on other social benefits. I do not agree with this view. In my opinion every country should spend equal amount on defense and other social benefits. Right now you have written two simple sentences. You could have easily combined those to show more ability with language to examiner. Also, the introduction is bland. Give some more glimpse of your opinion and set up the essay.

There is no denying the fact I think I shared this link with you on previous review. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485 . There is no point of review if you would commit same mistakes again.
that a powerful military can ensure the safety of citizens and maintain peace in a country. A strong military deters aggressive neighbors or terrorists from attacking a country and in this way preventing the lives of civilian. Moreover, if the people work in more secure environment then it will increase the prosperity of that nation. The surroundings of territory will be more peaceful and people lead happy life. What is the argument here? So, the spending should be done more, less, same. You have given surrounding arguments but not hit the topic.

However, the spending on forces cannot beat the expense of social spending because the social welfare is as crucial as safety. WHY? Your next sentence should tell us why?
The administration is responsible to ensure that all the people can have their basic needs such as food, work, shelter and health care. This line doesn't continue the argument. It is almost a filler line.
By providing welfare for the neediest members of the society through various schemes, the state can improve their living standards and make it people happy and contended. This line came in too late.
Furthermore, householders are entitled to receive comfort because they pay taxes to authority. So, what? Again, you're writing things around the argument but not finishing the argument.

In conclusion, the governance should give as much importance to the welfare of the residents as to their safety and it will do more harm than good if it reduces the spending on social welfare for increasing army payouts. HOW? You have not mentioned anywhere how it will do more harm.

There is content in this essay but it is still not fully addressing the task response. Try and increase impact in introduction. And also finish arguments with more authority.

This essay will unfortunately get stuck at 6.5. A little bit more effort and this can cross 7/7.5 easy.

 

[Lizzybenzo]

@cansha I am new to IELTS. It seems like you are helping many folks with their Writing section. Could you please review mine too and share your feedback. Thanks for your help.

In the modern world, many children spend a lot of time in front of computers, televisions and smartphones. This is very harmful to them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern times, it is considered that more number of offsprings utilize most of their time using technical gadgets such as cellphones, televisions and laptops. Although these innovative equipment have provided sophisticated life, it will also dangerously impact adolescents, which makes me to completely agree that these tools are not to be overused by children.

First of all, youngsters are living in their own world with electronic devices for day and night due to which they lose their imagination skill and memory power. In addition, this also negatively impacts not only their academic score but also their extra curricular activities. For example, A recent survey conducted by Bay Times exposes that 80% children, who have been using technical gadgets in Toronto City, are having dangerous brain illness. Therefore, adolescents must be educated about how harmful these devices are for humans life if we overuse them.

Handling smartphones for longer hours may develop serious problem with children's personal relationships which will also isolate them from normal social life. Furthermore, cellphones and desktops may help them to have many virtual friends but not the real friends who can help them when they are in need of any help. To illustrate this, my close friend's 8 year-old daughter was actively using facebook for chatting with her friends for more than a year and it is recently brought to our notice that she had been living her life virtually without even coming out from house. This crucial incident taught us a lesson to protect our future monsters from new technologies.

In conclusion, while it is quite evident that technology has brought us many advantages, we must also acknowledge the critical issues introduced in our youngsters life. In my opinion, I completely agree that children who are overusing electrical gadgets are having mental and physical problem which directly affects their personal life.

I think the reason why you are stuck in 6.5 is because of not having enough points. I was also stuck in 6.5 until I had a tutor and he told me to instead of just giving one point to each views. I should provide 2 to 3 points on the view I support and 1 to 2 points on the other one. I did that the last time and i got 7.5 in writing even though my essay was 313 words. Maybe you should try providing more points.

 

[deeshu]

Hi cansha and Hope & faith,
I selected a random topic and struggled really hard to collect ideas as well as to write intro & conclusion. If such a topic comes in the exam and if I write like as below. Please let me know how much band I'll be able to get.

Thanks,

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and with relevant evidence.

You should write at least 250 words


Poor countries often rely on rich nations to share their money and resources such as food and education, however, economically weak nation’s government should take the responsibility of its fellow countrymen or else it makes them look vulnerable and weak.

If prospered nations will share their wealth with undeveloped countries, then it will create a strong relationship among nations. For instance, India donated millions of rupees and food, when Sri Lanka was hit by heavy floods, as a result, both countries developed a unique bond and now Indians can travel to Sri Lanka without a visa. Helping countries living below poverty lines, although, can have drawbacks such as these nations could become irresponsible and greedy. In the future, they will always rely on others to look after them and will not spend a penny from their pocket.

Poor nations, on the other hand, if start managing money properly, then there is no need for asking help from well-established countries. People in every nation pay taxes such as income, state, and federal tax, which eventually go to the government, but instead of using this money for the welfare of the country, the government uses it for his personal gains, for example, building an apartment complex and selling them on high prices. If this money is properly governed, for instance, by setting up of reliable money management authorities, then it can be used for the betterment of the poor nations.

To conclude, it is the duty of bureaucrats of economically deprived nations to take care of its people since people in those nations pay their hard-earned money in taxes, which should be utilized for the welfare of the country. And, therefore, it is not essential for wealthier nations to share their money with such nations.