Visa Rejection because of Backlogs and work experience

[vikraman]

Too long and too much unnecessary information. Cut it down by half. Take out the bolding. Bolding makes it hard to read, plus creates the impression you think the reader is too stupid to figure out the important parts themselves.

Thanks again scylla, it would be useful to know what you consider as unnecessary information since i've included everything that i think is crucial.

 

[scylla]

Thanks again scylla, it would be useful to know what you consider as unnecessary information since i've included everything that i think is crucial.

This whole section, for example, feels completely unnecessary and adds nothing to the SOP in my opinion. All it does is distract from the important information.

I come from a culture where the bachelor’s program we study is decided for us by the parents based on their research and personal experience despite of what the children want to study. A lot of the times, parents become victim to the herd mentality and choose a program that they believe has a good return on investment for their child based on the latest trends, therefore millions of the students end up studying courses they are not passionate about or interested in. Despite my bachelor’s program being chosen for me by my parents, I had a sense of duty to my family to perform well and so I chose to move forward with it and give it my all.

This is an example of a run-on sentence that is hard to understand:

Soon after my bachelor’s graduation in August 2020, the mass-firings and company shut downs during the early stages of the pandemic led me to strategize and get a temporary job first to keep myself independent and financially afloat since waiting for a job better suitable to my bachelor’s degree was not a practical solution as there was so much panic at the time and there was no option introduced in India to work remotely among all the curfews and lockdowns.

You need to re-read the feedback you have already been given in this thread. You haven't incorporated much of it. Read everyone's feedback again and spend a few days on the SOP.

 

[vikraman]

This whole section, for example, feels completely unnecessary and adds nothing to the SOP in my opinion. All it does is distract from the important information.

I come from a culture where the bachelor’s program we study is decided for us by the parents based on their research and personal experience despite of what the children want to study. A lot of the times, parents become victim to the herd mentality and choose a program that they believe has a good return on investment for their child based on the latest trends, therefore millions of the students end up studying courses they are not passionate about or interested in. Despite my bachelor’s program being chosen for me by my parents, I had a sense of duty to my family to perform well and so I chose to move forward with it and give it my all.

This is an example of a run-on sentence that is hard to understand:

Soon after my bachelor’s graduation in August 2020, the mass-firings and company shut downs during the early stages of the pandemic led me to strategize and get a temporary job first to keep myself independent and financially afloat since waiting for a job better suitable to my bachelor’s degree was not a practical solution as there was so much panic at the time and there was no option introduced in India to work remotely among all the curfews and lockdowns.

You need to re-read the feedback you have already been given in this thread. You haven't incorporated much of it. Read everyone's feedback again and spend a few days on the SOP.

Thanks a lot scylla

 

[Deleted member 1083629]

Hello MajorGrom, here is the revised version after considering your feedback, would love your feedback again
revised SOP

You have quite a few typos. Some are easy to catch ("india" needs to be capitalized) while others are grammatical. I suggest you to use Grammarly.

Remove bolded parts. They are tacky and useless.

Why is "UCW also has earned..." are highlighted in blue?

Overall, it's better than the first version but far from being perfect. To be honest, spend a weekend on reading Statement of Purposes from North America. Check out gradadmissions on reddit and find samples over there or find samples online. You need to understand how your peers in North America write. At this time, everything about your SOP screams that you are a foreigner. Just an advise; stop reading what your Indians peers write and start reading more of North American literature. I have seen many students who spent 2-3 years in Canada and still cannot get a decent score on IELTS or write basic essays for their classes.

 

[vikraman]

You have quite a few typos. Some are easy to catch ("india" needs to be capitalized) while others are grammatical. I suggest you to use Grammarly.

Remove bolded parts. They are tacky and useless.

Why is "UCW also has earned..." are highlighted in blue?

Overall, it's better than the first version but far from being perfect. To be honest, spend a weekend on reading Statement of Purposes from North America. Check out gradadmissions on reddit and find samples over there or find samples online. You need to understand how your peers in North America write. At this time, everything about your SOP screams that you are a foreigner. Just an advise; stop reading what your Indians peers write and start reading more of North American literature. I have seen many students who spent 2-3 years in Canada and still cannot get a decent score on IELTS or write basic essays for their classes.

Thanks a lot for the suggestion.

 

[Deleted member 1083629]

Thanks a lot for the suggestion.

Welcome. Doesn't look like you implemented any of the changes that I mentioned but it's your SOP.

Best of luck!

 

[vikraman]

Welcome. Doesn't look like you implemented any of the changes that I mentioned but it's your SOP.

Best of luck!

I am working on looking at the sops of my north american peers' majorgrom. I think I have implemented your suggestions point by point but it would be useful to know what you considered has not been changed. It is my SOP and I am trying to perfect it, so your feedback is valuable.

 

[Deleted member 1083629]

I am working on looking at the sops of my north american peers' majorgrom. I think I have implemented your suggestions point by point but it would be useful to know what you considered has not been changed. It is my SOP and I am trying to perfect it, so your feedback is valuable.

Grammatical mistakes and random bolded parts + UCW being highlighted in blue.

 

[RamSatt]

Would really love your feedback on this revised version after considering your feedbacks. revised SOP

Expand on your work experience. You switched from Job 1 to Job 2, because it opened up career opportunities? How? You've used the sentence "help companies perform better" in several places. Unless you're a CXO who turns the company around, I wouldn't really use that sort of language. Talk about hard facts. Did your work result in higher sales targets? Did you land a big client? Be specific, not vague. If you don't have specific targets, talk about what you learned and how you grew. How did you realize you were "capable of something bigger?"

You need to improve your reasons for choosing UCW and Canada. Talking about the accreditation and how "similar institutions don't exist in India" is not enough, I'm afraid. I know, for one, that reputed institutes like Indian School of Business (ISB) exist, and renowned internationally too. UCW is based in Vancouver. Talk about why you chose to study in that city, too. That may help.

 

[vikraman]

Expand on your work experience. You switched from Job 1 to Job 2, because it opened up career opportunities? How? You've used the sentence "help companies perform better" in several places. Unless you're a CXO who turns the company around, I wouldn't really use that sort of language. Talk about hard facts. Did your work result in higher sales targets? Did you land a big client? Be specific, not vague. If you don't have specific targets, talk about what you learned and how you grew. How did you realize you were "capable of something bigger?"

You need to improve your reasons for choosing UCW and Canada. Talking about the accreditation and how "similar institutions don't exist in India" is not enough, I'm afraid. I know, for one, that reputed institutes like Indian School of Business (ISB) exist, and renowned internationally too. UCW is based in Vancouver. Talk about why you chose to study in that city, too. That may help.

Thanks for taking the time. I'll be sure to change it.

 

[vikraman]

Hi, I've taken the feedback in and have revised my SOP to the best of my abilities. Would love the feedback on things I could improve on in this SOP that would mitigate the risk of rejection. If you feel like some things need to be changed please explain that acutely as it would be of immense help to me, Thanks for taking the time to read my SOP. Revised SOP. I really appreciate the input of people in this thread.