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Need help to rectify my writing

Discussion in 'IELTS - CELPIP - TEF - TCF - Language Testing' started by Milan Desai, Nov 3, 2019.

  1. Hey dears,

    I would like to appreciate your comments regarding this.

    Essay : adults today do not do enough exercise, some people believe that showing events like Olympic and World Cup can encourage adults to exercise while others say that there are many more ways to encourage them.
    Discuss both view and give your opinion.

    It is irrefutable to say that many grown ups are less active in physical activities in recent times. Many individuals believe that by telecasting major international sporting events such as the World Cup and Olympic would motivate them towards sports, however others had the opinion that there are many other possible ways to persuade them towards sports. The following paragraphs would shed light on both the approaches before making final note on my perspective with an apt example.

    To embark with the first notion, there are myriad things to be shared in its favours. The foremost one is that national athletes have a high fan following in the millions and many younger ones idealise their athlete. Thus, showing them performing at an international level for a country would motives national pride for youth. As a result, more and more youthful will indulge in pastime as it gives them an opportunity to represent their nation on the world stage. To illustrate this, after The Olympic Games in China, sport club membership has seen an upsurge of 50% with the majority of members are above adulthood.

    Shifting towards the second school of thought, many people believe that government plays a pivotal role in encouraging majors towards sport by offering them free training facilities and financial aid. Therefore, adults would be attracted towards physical activities, as result they can see games as an alternative career. Furthermore, the majority of adults spend major time in office work and commuting to work. As a result, leaves them with no times for exercise and physical activities. Consequently, organizing recreation events on a regular basis by companies provide opportunities for adults to participate in fun and games activities which can increase their fitness massively rather than watching games on television. For example, In India many IT firms organize marathon competitions annually to promote athletics in their employees.

    To recapitulate, in the contemporary era youthful is less active in recreation, many sections of society believe that by showing sporting events on TV would encourage them to exercise, I would like to infer that there are many other ways to engage people towards physical activities likes free training facilities and organizing games events at work places which are more suitable in the long term.
  2. Hi Milan I'm not good at essay correction but I can give some suggestions.In my opinion you should avoid phrases and some words such as irrefutable,contemporary era and so on.Make it simple and answer to the question . Please don't try impress examiner by showing your vocabs.I'm sure it doesn't work.
  3. Hi! Actually, a wide range of vocabulary is required to get a high ielts band score. If you look at the criteria “Lexical Resource” is graded based on your vocabulary. The important thing is using them correctly in a sentence.

    Another thing, if you go to grammarly.com online you may post your essay there and it will automatically fix the basic grammar mistakes.

    There are a lot of sample IELTS letter online which you should check out. It really helps.
    Milan Desai likes this.
  4. Thanks a lot :) I really appreciate your efforts to spare time and have a look at it :) I’ll try to sort things out quickly :)
  5. Thank man :) appreciate your word and will look in to things :)
  6. The essay suffers from 2 major issues:
    1. The essay doesn't have a natural feel to it when reading. As in, the choice of words used here will not be used a native English speaker. For example: "there "are myriad things", "in the contemporary era" and so on and so forth.
    2. Excessive use of discourse markers. It feels like every sentence starts with one. "Thus,", "To illustrate this", As a result, consequently, furthermore, To recapitulate, etc.
    The vocabulary rubric is graded on vocabulary that is RELEVANT to the topic being discussed. So if the topic was, say, "Does having more money make people more happy?", then your vocabulary words would be "poverty, wealth, misery, disposable income, etc. If you use words unrelated to the topic, that will guarantee a 6 on 9 and nothing more. To get a 7, the vocabulary has to be relevant, correctly used and be used with awareness to collocation. Collocation is the "natural sounding" nature of the writing. It's how a native speaker would write. In other words, there will be some nuances that you will get only as you speak and write more English.

    To best explain collocation, you can say "The big, black dog" or "The black, big dog." Both are grammatically accurate, but only the first instance sounds more natural sounding (better collocation). This is essentially point 1 above.

    Good luck.
  7. thank you ! Will try to put this things on reality :) appreciating your efforts !
  8. You are right pumkin .We should give priority for TR.some students tends to show their LR by inserting irrelevant vocabularies which may reduce their score.
    Milan Desai likes this.
  9. Hi Milan please go through IELTS LIZ'S 9band essays and reffer Cambridge books.These will help you to understand task 2 writing.it is better to create your own style and avoid using common phrases. All the best
  10. Thank a lot for information :)
  11. Kindly check my new writing after going though your suggestion: @Anjali1308 @pumpkin_latte @Cane101

    Question: some people believe that government should spend money on building train and subway lines to reduce traffic congestion. Other think that building more wider roads is the better way to reduce traffic congestion.
    Discuss both view and give your opinion.

    Traffic jams in many counties around the world is severe. It is commonly believed that a best way to minimize the traffic congestion is by constructing more trains and metro lines, while there are others who thinks that traffic congestion can be solve by developing better roadways. This essay will analyze both approaches before making my final perspective with suitable example.

    On the one side, developing more infrastructure facilities likes train and subway systems help to cut down the bottlenecks because it allows people to use these alternative means of transportation rather than using their own vehicles. If public transportation services are provided free of cost and their frequency is increased, few people will want to drive their personal vehicles. This is theoretically reduced the numbers of cars on roads and diminish traffic congestion. For instances, Delhi has opted for Metro, as long term solution to the issues of mounting traffic

    On the other hand, some scholars claims that increasing road space is one of the effective ways to bend traffic congestion. Constructing wider roads can solve traffic problems because it allows traffic to move more easily. Hence, it also gives other commuters a better alternative. It is also true that expanding more highways encourages more people to use the road transport more. Thus, adding a lane to a LA freeway will motivate more people to use that freeway.

    In conclusion, traffic congestion has become a global issue around the world. Personally I believe that instead of increasing road space to diminish traffic jams, the government should try to build new infrastructure facilities likes metro and trains because it is more reliable and effective.
  12. @Milan Desai
    In the interest of clarity, there are no official band 9 essays released by the British Council. Any so-called "Band 9 essays" authored by people on the Internet cannot be construed as such because we cannot know how the grading rubric will be applied to those essays. The mistake I often see in Indian students attempting IELTS is that they often try to build a data set of responses, phrases, sentences and try to retrofit those into the essay they get on test day.

    For me, I found "IELTS Advantage" to be immensely helpful. They have all their material for free online and more importantly, I like the tutor's (Christopher Pell's) approach to the IELTS: he always, ALWAYS uses the IELTS grading rubric to justify why he says something.

    One last point, please AVOID these YouTube videos that say "If you use these vocab words, you'll get a high score!". They'll have some 8 million views or something, but don't be fooled. If it were really that simple-- to use these words in an exam and get an 8-- everyone would have got an 8 overall.

    Work hard and keep consuming more English media online. Remember, this exam isn't about acing it, you just need to get the scores you need for your unique situation and be done with it.
    Milan Desai likes this.
  13. Thank a lot mate :) this is indeed a brilliant way to explain the situation :)
    I’m not following any YouTube channels and I’m just interested in iELTS LIZ for information and understanding the concept of different ways and methods to writing an essay.
  14. I'm strictly grading you on structure and grammar. Whether you might lose points for cohesion of ideas is beyond my area of expertise.
    Milan Desai likes this.
  15. Thank you :)

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