guys can you please tell me what score does this essay get?
IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
- Start date
Try to make concession.. a balanced essay will earn more points. Write about few reasons why people prefer shopping malls
Hi!
1. You don’t have any examples in your essay. Examples are essential for 7 and above.
2. We usually use “admittedly” when talking about an opinion that we don’t quite agree with, but we admit it might be true. For example you can use it when discussing both views, to present the opposite view. Hope I could explain my point here.
3. You shouldn’t add a linking word before every single sentence, because like this you’re showing that your thoughts do not follow one another logically, so you have to connect them artificially with those hence’s and therefore’s.
I suggest you attempt this question once again, without tracking time. Then I’ll review it again.
Thank you.
I have added the suggestion related to the future to show that my opinion in the futurealso will become stronger as they opposite opinion has capacity to improve.
Hi! Conclusion is not there for you to make your opinion or arguments stronger. Conclusion is for simply summing up whatever has already been said in the BPs. So maybe if you wanted to discuss the future impact you should’ve added a separate BP for that. Afterwards your 2nd sentence would make sense.
True.. there is an unfortunate element of examiner mindset. I usually do not give ratings as we have really no full proof idea on how they do that. However, i consider essays which nail the structure, readability part and few other checks, they have higher chances of being rated 7. If you read some of the essays in official IELTS book, some are very average essays but they have still rated them 7 or above.
You are being such a good mentor to me @marosa thanks a lot.
I revised the essay and here you are.
truly appreciated for your time
When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people argue that in planning new cities, building sport complexes and parks should be prioritized over constructing malls and megastores. I completely agree with this argument, since not only a healthier lifestyle will be promoted via using these facilities, but also it will demote the consumerism habit likewise among the society.
On the one side, urbanization has accustomed citizens to a destructive habit of consumerism and the gate ways of it are huge shopping centers. In fact, when the public budget flood into these kinds of infrastructures, the city planners are urging people toward spending money recklessly. As results, its detrimental effects this over spending on natural ecosystem and world economy are inevitable. For instance, people in some African countries are suffering from poverty and famine because of over consummation and high amount of waste disposal in some other part of the globe.
On the other side, spending leisure time at sport units and public gardens is beneficial for mental and physical health of the society. Precisely speaking, the more these infrastructures are available, the more people are able to use them conveniently and at a reasonable price. Therefore, sedentary lifestyle and obesity will be resolved in a long term run. Moreover, utilizing these facilities involves sightseeing, communication with other people and a social bonding with each other, hence these places provide people with mental benefits as well. As an example, many senior citizens gathering places are in city parks and these communities are essential for their mental and physical well-being.
To conclude, I believe that, since public facilities have mental and physical benefit for citizens, while shopping centers might promote consumerism, their construction must be prioritized in building a new city.
I revised the essay and here you are.
truly appreciated for your time
When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people argue that in planning new cities, building sport complexes and parks should be prioritized over constructing malls and megastores. I completely agree with this argument, since not only a healthier lifestyle will be promoted via using these facilities, but also it will demote the consumerism habit likewise among the society.
On the one side, urbanization has accustomed citizens to a destructive habit of consumerism and the gate ways of it are huge shopping centers. In fact, when the public budget flood into these kinds of infrastructures, the city planners are urging people toward spending money recklessly. As results, its detrimental effects this over spending on natural ecosystem and world economy are inevitable. For instance, people in some African countries are suffering from poverty and famine because of over consummation and high amount of waste disposal in some other part of the globe.
On the other side, spending leisure time at sport units and public gardens is beneficial for mental and physical health of the society. Precisely speaking, the more these infrastructures are available, the more people are able to use them conveniently and at a reasonable price. Therefore, sedentary lifestyle and obesity will be resolved in a long term run. Moreover, utilizing these facilities involves sightseeing, communication with other people and a social bonding with each other, hence these places provide people with mental benefits as well. As an example, many senior citizens gathering places are in city parks and these communities are essential for their mental and physical well-being.
To conclude, I believe that, since public facilities have mental and physical benefit for citizens, while shopping centers might promote consumerism, their construction must be prioritized in building a new city.
@cansha @marosa please kindly review my first essay. I have been reading some of the pages in this thread and your advice is clearly golden! Thanking you in advance.
Also welcome to those who are willing to review my essay and give feedback. Any feedback would be very appreciated!
Some people think that because some children find some subjects such as mathematics and philosophy difficult, they ought to be optional instead of compulsory. To what extent do you agree?
It is often argued by many children that mathematics and philosophy are not easy to follow. Hence the difficulty of these two subjects, some people think that both are better to be an option instead of mandatory. In my opinion, I disagree that mathematics and philosophy are considered as a secondary subject since they are extremely useful skills to survive in life.
The main reason that mathematics is required to be taught to children because this is an essential skill to be able to get a better life. Every single act of our daily activities involves numbers, price, and equation. To fulfil the need for groceries at the market, for example, we have to able to use our math skill and logic in order to get the best price. Mathematics would also be a very significant requirement for ones who are willing to advance their life in regard to their career options. Promising jobs such as accountant, engineering, and pilot definitely require someone with a high level of math skills.
Furthermore, linked to the first, to get such a high-end job and advanced life, not only required an academic skill like math, but also a good understanding of soft skill. This can be obtained by mastering in Philosophy class which will teach them critical thinking, manner, and wisdom. Critical thinking is important as it teaches students to become an open-minded person and strive to never stop learning. Manner and wisdom are also vital because they will justify someone’s behaviour and their role in society.
In conclusion, mathematics and philosophy are both equally crucial skills and it is a must to be learnt by students. Both subjects will be beneficial if these are given since the very beginning of their academic journey.
Also welcome to those who are willing to review my essay and give feedback. Any feedback would be very appreciated!
Some people think that because some children find some subjects such as mathematics and philosophy difficult, they ought to be optional instead of compulsory. To what extent do you agree?
It is often argued by many children that mathematics and philosophy are not easy to follow. Hence the difficulty of these two subjects, some people think that both are better to be an option instead of mandatory. In my opinion, I disagree that mathematics and philosophy are considered as a secondary subject since they are extremely useful skills to survive in life.
The main reason that mathematics is required to be taught to children because this is an essential skill to be able to get a better life. Every single act of our daily activities involves numbers, price, and equation. To fulfil the need for groceries at the market, for example, we have to able to use our math skill and logic in order to get the best price. Mathematics would also be a very significant requirement for ones who are willing to advance their life in regard to their career options. Promising jobs such as accountant, engineering, and pilot definitely require someone with a high level of math skills.
Furthermore, linked to the first, to get such a high-end job and advanced life, not only required an academic skill like math, but also a good understanding of soft skill. This can be obtained by mastering in Philosophy class which will teach them critical thinking, manner, and wisdom. Critical thinking is important as it teaches students to become an open-minded person and strive to never stop learning. Manner and wisdom are also vital because they will justify someone’s behaviour and their role in society.
In conclusion, mathematics and philosophy are both equally crucial skills and it is a must to be learnt by students. Both subjects will be beneficial if these are given since the very beginning of their academic journey.
Hi folks, I will have my IELTS CD exam in 2 days
May I please kindly ask you to share your thoughts with me on my task 1 ielts writing from Cambridge IELTS 11 Test 1:
You recently received a letter from a friend asking for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter:
- say why he/she would not enjoy going to college
- explain why getting a job is a good idea for him/her
- suggest types of job that would be suitable for him/her
Write at least 150 words.
Dear John,
Thank you for your letter. I am happy to know that you value my advice on whether to continue your studies or get a job.
I believe your image of college is different from what I experienced as a college student. Knowing your mature personality, I believe you wouldn’t enjoy yourself in college. College will help you obtain skills needed for teamwork which you already have the type of soft skills you would learn in college.
In my humble opinion, you are ready to start putting the high-school theories into practice. You would be able to save money if you start a job now and in some years you can invest in obtaining certificate or diploma to excel in your career.
Knowing you and your pragmatic attitude I believe you would be successful in assembling type of job such as industrial machine component production or even working as car mechanic. I would certainly take my car to you after you gain some experience.
Hope I could help,
Speak to you soon
A
May I please kindly ask you to share your thoughts with me on my task 1 ielts writing from Cambridge IELTS 11 Test 1:
You recently received a letter from a friend asking for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter:
- say why he/she would not enjoy going to college
- explain why getting a job is a good idea for him/her
- suggest types of job that would be suitable for him/her
Write at least 150 words.
Dear John,
Thank you for your letter. I am happy to know that you value my advice on whether to continue your studies or get a job.
I believe your image of college is different from what I experienced as a college student. Knowing your mature personality, I believe you wouldn’t enjoy yourself in college. College will help you obtain skills needed for teamwork which you already have the type of soft skills you would learn in college.
In my humble opinion, you are ready to start putting the high-school theories into practice. You would be able to save money if you start a job now and in some years you can invest in obtaining certificate or diploma to excel in your career.
Knowing you and your pragmatic attitude I believe you would be successful in assembling type of job such as industrial machine component production or even working as car mechanic. I would certainly take my car to you after you gain some experience.
Hope I could help,
Speak to you soon
A
Some people argue that in planning new cities, building sport complexes and parks should be prioritized over constructing malls and megastores. I completely agree with this argument, since not only a healthier lifestyle will be promoted via using these facilities, but also it will demote the consumerism habit likewise among the society. Good - You have tried to give some glimpse of your argument in introduction which is always a good thing to do.
Few things to note - There is generally no comma in a "not only ... but also" construct.
I don't think the word "via" is correctly used here. Google the meaning and see if it makes sense in the sentence.
On the one side, urbanization has accustomed citizens to a destructive habit of consumerism and the gate ways of it are huge shopping centers. In fact, when the public budget flood into these kinds of infrastructures, the city planners are urging people toward spending money recklessly. As results, its detrimental effects this over spending on natural ecosystem and world economy are inevitable.
Personally, I find these "good for economy" or "bad for economy" arguments way too superficial and made up and they can be applied to any topic under the sun. Example here https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-174#post-8376332
For instance, people in some African countries are suffering from poverty and famine because of over consummation and high amount of waste disposal in some other part of the globe. Seriously how? At best this sentence is a "theory" and not a concrete example.
On the other side, spending leisure time at sport units and public gardens is beneficial for mental and physical health of the society. Precisely speaking, the more these infrastructures are available, the more people are able to use them conveniently and at a reasonable price. Therefore, sedentary lifestyle and obesity will be resolved in a long term run. How?
Also this "sedentary lifestyle and obesity" argument is very much like the "good for economy" or "bad for economy" argument. A number of essay posted on this forum just use these phrases in almost every possible essay topic. I'm not saying you can't use it but then just don't make an argument since there is a park there won't be any obesity? What is the correlation? Is there a causal relationship between a sports facility being constructed and magically the society will be less obese. Just give the reader a more balanced argument how and why it will happen. Also, are there no other benefits of spots facility? Do governments really make sports centers to make sure people are less sedentary? Think about it. What could be other reasons? If you can give something different you automatically distinguish your essay from 25 others that the examiner will read on exam day. Trust me 85% of essays would have the same argument of "it will improve economy" and "it will improve health" in almost every topic on IELTS.
Moreover, utilizing these facilities involves sightseeing, communication with other people and a social bonding with each other, hence these places provide people with mental benefits as well. As an example, many senior citizens
To conclude, I believe that, since public facilities have mental and physical benefit for citizens, while shopping centers might promote consumerism, their construction must be prioritized in building a new city.
@marosaHi folks, I will have my IELTS CD exam in 2 days
May I please kindly ask you to share your thoughts with me on my task 1 ielts writing from Cambridge IELTS 11 Test 1:
You recently received a letter from a friend asking for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter:
- say why he/she would not enjoy going to college
- explain why getting a job is a good idea for him/her
- suggest types of job that would be suitable for him/her
Write at least 150 words.
Dear John,
Thank you for your letter. I am happy to know that you value my advice on whether to continue your studies or get a job.
I believe your image of college is different from what I experienced as a college student. Knowing your mature personality, I believe you wouldn’t enjoy yourself in college. College will help you obtain skills needed for teamwork which you already have the type of soft skills you would learn in college.
In my humble opinion, you are ready to start putting the high-school theories into practice. You would be able to save money if you start a job now and in some years you can invest in obtaining certificate or diploma to excel in your career.
Knowing you and your pragmatic attitude I believe you would be successful in assembling type of job such as industrial machine component production or even working as car mechanic. I would certainly take my car to you after you gain some experience.
Hope I could help,
Speak to you soon
A
@cansha
May I ask for your valuable insight please? I will have my exam in less than 24 hours. Hugely appreciated
Hi, just a quick review.Hi folks, I will have my IELTS CD exam in 2 days
May I please kindly ask you to share your thoughts with me on my task 1 ielts writing from Cambridge IELTS 11 Test 1:
You recently received a letter from a friend asking for advice about whether to go to college or to try to get a job. You think he/she should get a job.
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter:
- say why he/she would not enjoy going to college
- explain why getting a job is a good idea for him/her
- suggest types of job that would be suitable for him/her
Write at least 150 words.
Dear John,
Thank you for your letter. try to avoid such short sentences, maybe you would want to add something like "I'm glad to learn you're doing well" or smth. Also, in informal letters you may use contractions. I am happy to know that you value my advice on whether to continue your studies or to get a job.
First of all or to begin with, I believe your image of college is different from what I experienced as a college student. Knowing your mature personality, I believe you wouldn’t enjoy yourself in college. College will help you obtain skills needed for teamwork which you already have the type of soft skills you would learn in college. Task 1 is where you show off vocabulary, instead you have used the same word 5 times in one para.
In my humble opinion, you are ready to start putting the high-school theories into practice. You would be able to save money if you start a job now and in some years you can invest in obtaining certificate or diploma to excel in your career. 1. you're missing some linking words here that would ensure the natural flow of your sentences, 2. I think this paragraph is too short to be separated, so maybe you could connect it to the next one for example.
Knowing you and your pragmatic attitude I believe you would be successful in assembling type of job such as industrial machine component production or even working as car mechanic. I would certainly take my car to you after you gain some experience.
Hope I could help,
I hope to Speak to you soon. you can add something like "should you need further information or advise, please feel free reach out to me"
Kind regards,
Ardika
A huge takeaway from Cansha’s review is that overgeneralization is another problem a lot of test takers face. Task response actually suffers a lot if the essay does not address specific questions/issues and does not provide specific evidences and/or solutions. The examiner never asks general questions and therefore no general response will be sufficient for a high score.
Can you please provide your expert insight. I know word count is a bit high. @cansha @marosa
Dear Soheb,
I hope you are doing great. How’s aunty Maria, inform her that I’m still missing delicious sandwiches which she used to serve us with coffee. Since you have proved yourself a great host, I thought I should convey my regards for all the assistance you’d provided me. With this, I’m also going to disturb you as you have to perform another task for me.
Firstly, thank you for being around with me and making my office trip memoriable. You have kept all the promises to showing me diversified Australia. As always, I really enjoyed your company. I still remember the fascinating firwork on Harbor bridge. Due to excitement and memories, I was taking with me, I forgot an important envelop while leaving your abode.
I am not sure about the exact location where I’d dropped it. However, I’m pretty sure that I’d that in my hand while I was coming down from the stairs from the second floor of your house. Even when I was saying good bye to aunty Maria in the TV lounge, I’d that in my hand. The closest guess which I can make is that I might have kept at the washing machine which is placed right before the back door of your home.
I do know that you’ve quite a tight schedule as you’ve to compile financial reports before next year, but it’s crucial that you find that envelop. Please dispatch it to me with in next two days since I’ve an important document in that envelop which I’ve to submit to my boss this week. Find it at your earliest and send at my address through DHL.
I’m waiting for the good news from you soon!
With love,
Rehan
Dear Soheb,
I hope you are doing great. How’s aunty Maria, inform her that I’m still missing delicious sandwiches which she used to serve us with coffee. Since you have proved yourself a great host, I thought I should convey my regards for all the assistance you’d provided me. With this, I’m also going to disturb you as you have to perform another task for me.
Firstly, thank you for being around with me and making my office trip memoriable. You have kept all the promises to showing me diversified Australia. As always, I really enjoyed your company. I still remember the fascinating firwork on Harbor bridge. Due to excitement and memories, I was taking with me, I forgot an important envelop while leaving your abode.
I am not sure about the exact location where I’d dropped it. However, I’m pretty sure that I’d that in my hand while I was coming down from the stairs from the second floor of your house. Even when I was saying good bye to aunty Maria in the TV lounge, I’d that in my hand. The closest guess which I can make is that I might have kept at the washing machine which is placed right before the back door of your home.
I do know that you’ve quite a tight schedule as you’ve to compile financial reports before next year, but it’s crucial that you find that envelop. Please dispatch it to me with in next two days since I’ve an important document in that envelop which I’ve to submit to my boss this week. Find it at your earliest and send at my address through DHL.
I’m waiting for the good news from you soon!
With love,
Rehan