Seperated during sponsorship

[missmymexi]

Hi All,

Thought I would start a thread for those of us who have to be seperated during sponsorship. I personally find it very difficult and trying on our relationship. We have a lot of ups and downs and wondering if everyone else does too. What do you guys do to make things easier ? We obviously skype at least once per day, but how do you keep the connection strong ? Anyhow interested to learn how other people cope with this, we have been apart for 11 months now and have only seen eachother once since he left and that was last October. I am sure there are some that have been seperated for a lot longer. Share your thoughts

 

[heybuddy]

Hello,

I have been away from my wife for 18 months and only got to see her once but it was for a month, so it really helped. But your point on what do I do to maintain a relatively healthy relationship is to find that perfect amount of conversation. I have heard of too many couples who talk all the time on the phone/Skype etc. and end up getting in fights, and I understand that you run out of things to say and eventually the topic of “where is the file” comes up and it starts fights. I give my wife her space and she does what she need to and I do the same, we love each other a lot but there is no reason to fight about it. So I only talk to her once a day in the morning when I am driving to work, the time difference helps as well.

I guess all in all for us too much talking was the culprit; we both have a very trusting and understanding relationship so we just don’t fight about anything at all.

 

[Tony3]

Hi Missmymexi,

I think its a good thread to start and help everyone in this forum out emotionally.

My wife and I got married last October 2011 in the Philippines, but did see her in April 2012. Yes, very difficult to be separated and as far as immigration is concerned, in terms of processing the PR, is beyond our control anyways.

But to answer your question , how you keep the bond ? My wife and I go back to the old emails, chatline records and text messages expressing our love for each other. It reminds both of us as to where we were, where we are at and where we will be heading in life together when she lands in Canada.

I dont think there is one answer to keep things going between spouses, but whatever method works for you and your husband is what matters most. Regardless, it is still painfull emotionally at most times.

Hang in there , just like all of us do, because any other alternative is not goiong to be great in my opinion.

Warm Regards and Success !!!!!

 

[Isometry]

Visited as often as possible, exchanged pictures all the time, talked via IM or text constantly and via voice chat at least once a day, and glared at anyone who asked, "But why didn't you just marry an American? Wouldn't that be easier?"

 

[Sunshine87]

I have been fortunate enough that the two cities my husband and I live in (Calgary & Tucson,AZ) have fairly cheap airfares to fly between and so we see each other once every 2-3 months. I admire couples who are absent from each other for much longer... I think I would go crazy.

I find that there's really nothing we can do that makes the separation any easier. I've grown tired of emails/IM's and even Skype, because it's just not the same as actually being physically together. We Skype usually twice a week, text at least once a day, and make out-of-the-blue "I miss you" phone calls about once a week. We do play a few iPhone games together... Draw Something, Words with Friends and Family Feud. Those are fun, and add a cute competetiveness to our relationship.

 

[missmymexi]

This is so awesome, good to see so many replies so quickly, I was sure I was not alone in this !

Heybuddy - I think that limiting the calls is a good idea, you are very right, once we talk about our daily lives it always goes back to what is going on with the immigration, perhaps we would value our talks more if we had less of them.

Tony3 - Also a good idea, I think i will go through some old emails and forward them, I think reminding eachother of what it was like is a good idea, I think as time passes you do forget and its good to remember why you are in love that person.

Isometry - I wish we had the opportunity to visit but finances are so tight its nearly impossible for me to get to him and he is from a visa country so getting him here is near impossible till this is over, but I do think seeing him, hugging and kissing him and remembering again why I am so in love would get rid of all of our doubt again, we never doubted eachother before, but I think frusturation of not being able to have actual contact is wearing on both of us. haha, I get that alot too, whats wrong with Canadians men, well I didnt fall in love with one, so here I am !

Sunshine87 - Wow, you are very lucky to have that ! I find all the cheap flights go out of Calgary, hmm maybe time for a move lol ! I hear you with growing tired of the emails and skype, me tooo ! My brain now associated the skype sound with my hubby, like if he were to call my name, I find that a little creepy sometimes lol. I like the idea of playing games together, that would be awesome !!!

Keep the suggestions and your experiences coming, so nice to see how other people handle things, and I am sure we can all learn some new ideas we didnt think of before that will keep us positive

 

[TSauretBaxter]

This is so great. I reallly feel for those that do get to see their spouse often. We go usally about 4 months apart at a time, I think that's awful enough. But yes, the long distance has been very taxing on our relationship. It's easier to fight, because you're both so frustrated with the situation, and communication via IM or text can often be taken the wrong way. And holding on to the thought of the day when you'll finally be together only helps a little. I find communication is the key.. to be able to vent your frustrations and be honest about how you're feeling, good or bad, helps. And reassuring the other person that you will ride it out, and still be there in the end.

 

[KJG]

This is so great. I reallly feel for those that do get to see their spouse often. We go usally about 4 months apart at a time, I think that's awful enough. But yes, the long distance has been very taxing on our relationship. It's easier to fight, because you're both so frustrated with the situation, and communication via IM or text can often be taken the wrong way. And holding on to the thought of the day when you'll finally be together only helps a little. I find communication is the key.. to be able to vent your frustrations and be honest about how you're feeling, good or bad, helps. And reassuring the other person that you will ride it out, and still be there in the end.

TSauretBaxter....I am the same as you...every 4 months I usually get to go see my husband....and it is so very hard.

 

[TSauretBaxter]

TSauretBaxter....I am the same as you...every 4 months I usually get to go see my husband....and it is so very hard.

Yes 4 months is hard enough. *Hugs* to Missmymexi.. 11 months, I would be going crazy. And no one really understands what it;s like. Especially when the spouse can't just get on a plane like we can. But I guess that's why we're here, to be able to talk to people in similar situations

 

[Zouk Princesse]

My husband and I have been apart since Feb (I know 4 1/2 months is short compared to others, but it's a record for us!) and we likely won't see each other again until this is all over.

One thing that helps us cope is understanding that we're not frustrated with each other, but with the process. We've put up a very solid united front: us against them, so any frustration is expressed directly towards CIC and not each other. My advice to couples who have not yet submitted, take a step back and honestly ask yourselves : have we done EVERY possible thing we could have to make our application quick and successful? If there's even a doubt that something could be improved, take the extra day or two to do so. Right now, knowing that there is absolutely nothing else we could have done to change our outcome is the one thing keeping us sane through this....if we were thinking "we could've done this better" or "wish we had...", we'd lose it right now.

As for communication, thanks to the wonders of technology, we're able to talk unlimited at no cost, so we are in constant contact. We have defined times that we call each other each day, so that routine helps us a feel a bit more normal. We also keep reminding ourselves that this time is nothing compared to the rest of our lives, just yesterday my husband said "it isn't even a speedbump".

Just think...if we can survive spending our first year of marriage apart, there's nothing we can't make it through in the future. The days will come for us all when we'll be having some marital issue, and we'll be able to say "we survived waiting on immigration, we can get over this hurdle no problem". Consider this time as some major calcium for the bones of your marriage - couples who haven't been through this have nothing on us, we got a secret weapon

 

[TSauretBaxter]

My husband and I have been apart since Feb (I know 4 1/2 months is short compared to others, but it's a record for us!) and we likely won't see each other again until this is all over.

One thing that helps us cope is understanding that we're not frustrated with each other, but with the process. We've put up a very solid united front: us against them, so any frustration is expressed directly towards CIC and not each other. My advice to couples who have not yet submitted, take a step back and honestly ask yourselves : have we done EVERY possible thing we could have to make our application quick and successful? If there's even a doubt that something could be improved, take the extra day or two to do so. Right now, knowing that there is absolutely nothing else we could have done to change our outcome is the one thing keeping us sane through this....if we were thinking "we could've done this better" or "wish we had...", we'd lose it right now.

As for communication, thanks to the wonders of technology, we're able to talk unlimited at no cost, so we are in constant contact. We have defined times that we call each other each day, so that routine helps us a feel a bit more normal. We also keep reminding ourselves that this time is nothing compared to the rest of our lives, just yesterday my husband said "it isn't even a speedbump".

Just think...if we can survive spending our first year of marriage apart, there's nothing we can't make it through in the future. The days will come for us all when we'll be having some marital issue, and we'll be able to say "we survived waiting on immigration, we can get over this hurdle no problem". Consider this time as some major calcium for the bones of your marriage - couples who haven't been through this have nothing on us, we got a secret weapon

When they say the first year of marriage is the hardest.. it's very true!!

 

[missmymexi]

Yes 4 months is hard enough. *Hugs* to Missmymexi.. 11 months, I would be going crazy. And no one really understands what it;s like. Especially when the spouse can't just get on a plane like we can. But I guess that's why we're here, to be able to talk to people in similar situations

Aw thanks Baxter ! I am going a little crazy and so is my fiance, its weird when you cant remember how it feels to lay in the persons arms anymore or what a kiss may feel like, or just to feel his belly laugh or touch his face. I miss him so much everyday, in all the little things that i do. Its been hard on my daughter too (she is from another marriage and 6 years old) , she loves him so much, skype helps her for sure, she can show him pictures she painted and sometimes even the neighbhor kids come by and say hello on skype as well.

Its funny though, every where i go everyone is always asking about him, the pizza delivery guy, the sushi restuarant, the local gas station and tim hourtons employee, he made a real impact on our little neighborhood !

I just close my eyes and dream of when we will be together and hold on to it as tight as possible

 

[missmymexi]

Just think...if we can survive spending our first year of marriage apart, there's nothing we can't make it through in the future. The days will come for us all when we'll be having some marital issue, and we'll be able to say "we survived waiting on immigration, we can get over this hurdle no problem". Consider this time as some major calcium for the bones of your marriage - couples who haven't been through this have nothing on us, we got a secret weapon

You are so right about that, I figure if we survive this, we can survive anything, I had said before that every relationship/marriage should have to go through this before a serious commitment, it certainly tests you in every area imaginable, and we are one step ahead with our secret weapon, as you said

 

[KJG]

Aw thanks Baxter ! I am going a little crazy and so is my fiance, its weird when you cant remember how it feels to lay in the persons arms anymore or what a kiss may feel like, or just to feel his belly laugh or touch his face. I miss him so much everyday, in all the little things that i do. Its been hard on my daughter too (she is from another marriage and 6 years old) , she loves him so much, skype helps her for sure, she can show him pictures she painted and sometimes even the neighbhor kids come by and say hello on skype as well.

Its funny though, every where i go everyone is always asking about him, the pizza delivery guy, the sushi restuarant, the local gas station and tim hourtons employee, he made a real impact on our little neighborhood !

I just close my eyes and dream of when we will be together and hold on to it as tight as possible

I understand missmymexi....I was at a Canada Day party and everyone asked about my husband...I think I explained at least 50 times and while it was great they care....it just makes me feel so isolated everytime I say well.....I am on stage 2 but have to wiait 10 months before I can call....and that is awesome you guys can skype. My husband is cuban and while we email everyday it is impossible to skype with him.....lucky I have made videos of some of our trips and sometimes I just watch them to hear is voice and his laughter....

 

[tsjunx]

It's really really hard and it gets to both of us at times and we get a bit blue, I feel for the couples that haven't seen each other in such a long time, it's a tough process. We communicate a lot, that's how we keep our bond alive, we use skype for our daily video calls and we watch movies, tv shows, we have "dates" to watch a movie and eat together... technology is wonderful cus it let's us keep in touch so much, before imessage and unlimited texts we were spending a lot on money on cell phones.

As hard as it gets, we remind each other that we're doing this to be together cus not being together is not an option.