PLS Evaluate my IELTS Writing Task II

[essy]

Topic: As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs.
(Topic Source - Barron's IELTS)

Answer:

It is an undeniable fact that advanced technology has changed the living style of people and traditional working environment at workplaces. This advancement of technology is on the one hand very useful, while on the other hand due to it, lots of workers lost their jobs.

That is particularly because of the wide usage of computer and computer-based technology such as, computerized machinery, which replaced manpower. Almost in all fields of life, computer has become an unavoidable tool to carry out variety of activities. In older ages, people and big organizations used to hire auditors and many accountants to keep a record of their accounts. Nowadays, computerized accounting took the control of accounts and calculations of millions can be done on few clicks. Likewise, in big factories, manpower is not employed to locate objects that is due to the computer operated robots, which carry the goods and work according to computer instructions on automatic basis. This system has replaced factory workers.

So far, computer has not taken the complete control of human lives and typical working environment. Still there are humans who are operating these automated systems. Relying only on computer machinery and its efficiency has proved to be life threatening. If these machines are not controlled by humans then accidents can happen because of even minor error. The common example of this error is computer hardware that may cause a considerable amount of work in pending and create problems for people.

Lastly, computer not only replaced people in certain fields of work, but it has raised opportunities for them to work more conveniently in quick time. Moreover, a great number of jobs have evolved due to computer such as, computer programmers, website designers, data entry workers, computer operators etc.

word count: 290

Please Evaluate this essay...
highlight mistakes:
where improvement is necessary:
IELTS band evaluation:

 

[thusha7716]

exellent writing.

 

[essy]

thanks tusha for appreciation, but i need proper evaluation in order to make my writing perfect.. I am requesting all senior members to pls evaluate my writing...

 

[asad100101]

i will give it a 5.5-6.0 band

your introduction is not well developed. you used too many connectors in one sentence...[while,on other hand, on one hand,]

did not use a variety of vocabulary...

you used the word computer many many times, repetitiveness...

your ideas were hard to follow

i'd suggest you to read some samples of good essays written by users...

English Ryan on youtube has a lot of tips for developing ideas and organizing them in a structured.
way.

follow intro+body+conclusion format.

 

[rubyalabar]

in your last paragraph, you can switch "Lastly" with "Moreover".Using the word lastly usually means it is the last point you are making, but then you added another one so the use of those two words should be switched so it makes more sense.

 

[limbo999]

Topic: As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs.
(Topic Source - Barron's IELTS)

Answer:

It is an undeniable fact that advanced technology has changed the living style of people and traditional working environment at workplaces. This advancement of technology is on the one hand very useful, while on the other hand due to it, lots of workers lost their jobs.

That is particularly because of the wide usage of computer and computer-based technology such as, computerized machinery, which replaced manpower. Almost in all fields of life, computer has become an unavoidable tool to carry out variety of activities. In older ages, people and big organizations used to hire auditors and many accountants to keep a record of their accounts. Nowadays, computerized accounting took the control of accounts and calculations of millions can be done on few clicks. Likewise, in big factories, manpower is not employed to locate objects that is due to the computer operated robots, which carry the goods and work according to computer instructions on automatic basis. This system has replaced factory workers.

So far, computer has not taken the complete control of human lives and typical working environment. Still there are humans who are operating these automated systems. Relying only on computer machinery and its efficiency has proved to be life threatening. If these machines are not controlled by humans then accidents can happen because of even minor error. The common example of this error is computer hardware that may cause a considerable amount of work in pending and create problems for people.

Lastly, computer not only replaced people in certain fields of work, but it has raised opportunities for them to work more conveniently in quick time. Moreover, a great number of jobs have evolved due to computer such as, computer programmers, website designers, data entry workers, computer operators etc.

word count: 290

Please Evaluate this essay...
highlight mistakes:
where improvement is necessary:
IELTS band evaluation:

i would say a poor essay. award 6.0 band

 

[essy]

so many thanks to all of you.... for such valuable suggestions and evaluation... i will work on my weak points .. and try to overcome all these mistakes....

 

[Dr.Hasib]

so many thanks to all of you.... for such valuable suggestions and evaluation... i will work on my weak points .. and try to overcome all these mistakes....

i have already sent my evaluation to your email address...havn't you got that yet?????? ??? ???
I couldnt PM you as your inbox is full...pls delete some of your messages..

 

[essy]

DR. Hasib.. i have checked my inbox and sent you a reply... your evaluation will help me a lot... as i was looking for the same kind since i have started learning for IELTS... I thank you for sending me such useful stuff... and tips.... i am going to follow them ... God Bless You... soon i will disturb you again after overcoming my mistakes... thanks once again

 

[masood_gho]

Dear friends,
This is my essay for Academic IELTS. Could you please give your suggestion and evaluation?

Topic:
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of the technology.

In what ways has technology affected the types of relationship people make.

Has this become a positive or negative development?

my essay:

Press a key, send a message, and receive your response, all in some short seconds. This is the most prevalent means of communication in the third millennium. A vast number of people are in touch via email, short message service (SMS), and cellphones. You are able to contact as fast as possible to different people in various location of the globe. However, the major question is whether ths way of communication is useful or can damage our interaction.

Our life in this modern era necessitates the speeder communication. The advent of the state-of-the-art technologies has amended our way of living. Sending various things and messages via email, the internet, and cellphones is one of the most major advantages of new technologies. It is no longer needed to spent noteworthy amount of time to get some news about your friends who live far apart. Furthermore, you can find your school friends, who you lost them, in the internet and make contact with them. This is the other merit of the influences of new technologies on people's way of interaction.

Although the development of technology has numerous benefits for people's communication, it can have catastrophic effects on people's behavior and the society. One severe problem of the cutting-edge technology, which can be calamitous, is mental problems. By sending emails and text messages, you lose the opportunity of face-to-face connection. From psychological point of view, face-t-face communication can ameliorate your morality. In addition, in internet-based or other advanced means of communication, people can be exploited by some cyber criminals which finally damage the level of reliability.

Even though new means of communication has dramatically altered our life and brought valuable advantages to us, it can have various pernicious effects on our life as well. I suppose we should be very cautious about these advanced technologies and tried to maintain invaluable advantages of life, such as visiting each other and spending time with our family.

(321 words)

 

[RNK]

i am too lazy to read ur whole passage,but one tip dont write more than 280 words, keep it btw 250-280

 

[masood_gho]

i am too lazy to read ur whole passage,but one tip dont write more than 280 words, keep it btw 250-280

Thanks for your tip, you mean I will lose mark if I write more than 280 words?

 

[masood_gho]

i am too lazy to read ur whole passage,but one tip dont write more than 280 words, keep it btw 250-280

I suppose these deletion and addition make my essay more interesting and well-sized. what do you think?

Press a key, send a message, and receive your response, all in some short seconds. This is the most prevalent means of communication in the third millennium. A vast number of people are in touch via email, short message service (SMS), and cellphones. You are able to contact as fast as possible to different people in various location of the globe. However, the major question is whether this way of communication is useful or can damage our interaction.

Our life in this modern era necessitates the speeder communication. The advent of the state-of-the-art technologies has amended our way of living. Sending various things and messages via email, the internet, and cellphones is one of the most major advantages of new technologies. It is no longer needed to spent noteworthy amount of time to get some news about your friends who live far apart. Furthermore, you can find your school friends, who you lost them, in the internet and make contact with them. This is the other merit of the influences of new technologies on people's way of interaction.

Although the development of technology has numerous benefits for people's communication, it can have catastrophic effects on people's (behavior and the society) interactions. One severe problem of the cutting-edge technology, which can be calamitous, is mental problems. By sending emails and text messages, you lose the opportunity of face-to-face connection. From psychological point of view, face-t-face communication can ameliorate your morality. In addition, in internet-based or other advanced means of communication, people can be exploited by some cyber criminals who finally damage the level of reliability.

Even though new means of communication has dramatically altered our life and brought us valuable advantages to us, it can have various pernicious effects on our life as well. I suppose we should be very cautious about these advanced technologies and tried to use them appropriately. maintain invaluable advantages of life, such as visiting each other and spending time with our family.

 

[RNK]

the more you write the more chances that you will make mistake

 

[wallst.]

Hello,
After reading your whole passage,i had came on the conclusion that you had bluntly started your your essay.Starting of essay must be eye catching and interesting.You are slightly defoccused from your essay.You had discussed your topic by keeping in mind,problems related with social sites only.There are many more areas which you can describe.Lastly i don't get clear conclusion of your essay.