IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Ashinder]

@cansha , can you please review the essay below. Thanks in advance

Topic:

Some people think the best way to solve global environmental problem is to increase the cost of the fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

In this era of epoch due to growing urbanization and development, environment is deteriorating at faster pace. Due to this the world wide environmental issues like pollution catches fire and become a vital concern. Some critics believe that by increasing the prices of the fuel is the best way to curb this problem and set of people disagree. However in my opinion I believe that increasing petrol prices will be a short term solution and we will have to devise new ideas to put a permanent capping on this situation.

To embark with, surging the fuel prices will definitely prove to be a blessing in disguise, as people use less vehicles resulting in less burden in the roads and streets and less pollution. For example there is a dramatic reduction in pollution in North Korea with the increase in the petrol prices. Besides the fuel price determines the market prices of other essential commodities and hiking the price can effect poor and middle class families. Hence, the aforementioned reasons are considered to be temporary solution to stop this problem.

Nevertheless, now the question arises, Is there any permanent solution to halt this situation. Undoubtedly yes, there are various solution to deal with this hiking environmental issue. Firstly, stringent law should be implemented to use more and more public transport rather than preferring individual vehicles. For instance, odd even concept implemented by Delhi government is proved to be beneficial for the people as well as for the environment. Because it helps in reducing traffic congestion and also improvise the quality of air. Secondly, authorities should step forward and educate the citizens to prefer cycling in contrast to vehicles. Due to this the people can stay salubrious and at the same time we can help in making the environment green and clean. Hence all these mentioned points can bring wonders in future and we can make planet earth a living heaven to live.

In a nutshell, I believe that by incorporating both short term and long term solution we can put a stop on this alarming environment degradation issue.

 

[cansha]

@cansha , can you please review the essay below. Thanks in advance

Topic:

Some people think the best way to solve global environmental problem is to increase the cost of the fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Just looking at length of your paragraphs -> point 2.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

And looking at conclusion point 3.1 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Ok now let's look at the essay.

In this era of epoch Not sure it makes sense to me.
due to growing urbanization and development, environment is deteriorating at faster pace. Due to this the world wide environmental issues like pollution catches fire and become a vital concern. Really bad phrasing. Not sure why you are going for flowery language which is adding no value to essay anyways.
Some critics believe that by increasing the prices of the fuel is the best way to curb this problem and a set of people disagree.
However in my opinion I believe Redundant and verbose. Use one of those phrases
that increasing petrol prices will be a short term solution WHY?
and we will have to devise new ideas Like what?
to put a permanent capping on this situation.
Rather than spending first two lines of introduction on some vague flowery language use those extra words to give more flavor to your essay.


To embark with, surging eh.. no need of using synonyms every time. This looks so forced. the fuel prices will definitely prove to be a blessing in disguise, as people use less vehicles resulting in less burden in the roads and streets and less pollution. So, idea is good and you're trying to start with a strong and complete argument. GOOD! But read the phrase in red again. Do you think you can write it better? Look at the number of times you are using in ... less .. It is very distracting to read that phrase.
For example there is a dramatic reduction in pollution in North Korea with the increase in the petrol prices. ooh such a bad example.
Besides the fuel price determines the market prices of other essential commodities and hiking the price can effect google effect vs affect
poor and middle class families. Hence, the aforementioned reasons are considered to be temporary solution to stop this problem. The phrase in red matches the one here on list of 10 phrases to avoid #10 http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

Nevertheless, now the question arises, Is there any permanent solution to halt this situation. Undoubtedly yes, there are various solution to deal with this hiking environmental issue. Are you writing a speech or an essay? Ask yourself did you provide any new information to the reader in first 2 sentences of your essay?
Firstly, stringent law should be implemented to use more and more public transport rather than preferring individual vehicles. Bad phrasing
For instance, odd even concept implemented by Delhi government is has proved to be beneficial for the people as well as for the environment. Because it helps in reducing traffic congestion and also improvise the quality of air. Why did you break that sentence abruptly and started the next one with because. Why not combine those?
Secondly, authorities should step forward and educate the citizens to prefer cycling in contrast to vehicles. Arguments like these is what I refer to as hanging arguments. Can someone ride bicycle for say 25Miles to go to office? So a better argument is to qualify this and say let's encourage people to cover short distances on bicycle.
Due to this the people can stay salubrious and at the same time we can help in making the environment green and clean. Hence all these mentioned points can bring wonders in future and we can make planet earth a living heaven to live.

In a nutshell, This one is #9 on the list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
I believe that by incorporating both short term and long term solution we can put a stop on this alarming environment degradation issue.

and as I said read the whole section 3 of this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Your ideas are good but not really developed well. There are many sentences that can just be removed from the essay and they would not be missed as they make no impact or improve the message. The task response is lacking. Please do not fall in the trap of trying to write the "perfect essay" in the first go. Just focus first few attempts in making sure you are addressing the question at hand and then once you have nailed it start adding other elements.

Also, use your essay intro line to setup your essay. Example - using you own ideas from the essay
However in my opinion I believe that increasing petrol prices will be a short term solution and we will have to devise new ideas to put a permanent capping on this situation.

However I believe that increasing fuel prices can only be a short term solution as this will lead to inflation and we will need comprehensive environmental laws and policies to arrive at a long-term solution.

Now in the introduction itself you have introduced the idea that increase in fuel prices may cause inflation -> This will connect with your BP when you talk about fuel prices will impact transportation costs and hence prices will increase and impact middle class -> More cohesion and coherence.

In the second half where you said "new ideas" qualify those ideas saying that new environmental law and policies needed -> which you then expand on by introducing the "ride the bike" idea.

By giving a glimpse of your essay you make your introduction unique and also set the structure and tone in the introduction itself.

 

[cansha]

I don't think most folks are reading reviews of other essays as I see similar mistakes done in new essays although they have been mentioned in previous reviews. Yes, you learn by making your own mistakes but you can learn even faster from mistakes of others. Do read other reviews and essays it will help you.

 

[preet kamal]

@cansha , can you please review the essay below. Thanks in advance

Some people say protecting the environment is the government's responsibilty.others believe that every individual should take responsibilty for it.discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is indeed an important environmental issue that is being debated whether saving the environment is onus of the government or is solely the responsibility of an individual. This essay shall substantiate both views in the upcoming paragraphs before reaching a concrete conclusion.

Firstly those who assert that the authorities should keep a check on safety of environment say so because they believe people would surely follow the rules ,if government enact stringent laws against the environmental offenders .Hence those who invades these laws would have to pay hefty fines.Also it is the duty of the officials to scrutinize giant industries or factories who are sprewing out poisonous exhaust fumes which in turn decreases the air quality. To cite an example last to last year Delhi government has taken an initiative by introducing odd and even car rule to run on alternate days which proved to be fruitful and researches also showed that this cut down the traffic by half and thereby reduced the air pollution .

On the other hand, Individuals should put efforts to clean the surrounding by throwing garbage in disposable waste .Similarly tourists should not harm the fragile ecosystem during their stays by throwing litter here and there. Furthermore people can opt for bicycle for shorter distances and for longer distances they can use public transport.For example country like India who has a mammoth population, if each person plants a tree and nurtures it or do simple steps of recycling things, the results would be unimaginable.

To conclude I believe that the onus of saving the environment is not only on the shoulders of the government .We must all come forward and put our efforts to save it ,before it's too late.Government and citizens approach of saving the environment should go hand in hand.

 

[rer1]

Read this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-38#post-7269377

Thank you once again for your sincere help.

 

[Ashinder]

Thanks so much @cansha for your time and guidance. I will try to exercise all of it in the next post and hope to see less of red lines in that. Thanks so much once again.

Just looking at length of your paragraphs -> point 2.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

And looking at conclusion point 3.1 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Ok now let's look at the essay.

In this era of epoch Not sure it makes sense to me.
due to growing urbanization and development, environment is deteriorating at faster pace. Due to this the world wide environmental issues like pollution catches fire and become a vital concern. Really bad phrasing. Not sure why you are going for flowery language which is adding no value to essay anyways.
Some critics believe that by increasing the prices of the fuel is the best way to curb this problem and a set of people disagree.
However in my opinion I believe Redundant and verbose. Use one of those phrases
that increasing petrol prices will be a short term solution WHY?
and we will have to devise new ideas Like what?
to put a permanent capping on this situation.
Rather than spending first two lines of introduction on some vague flowery language use those extra words to give more flavor to your essay.


To embark with, surging eh.. no need of using synonyms every time. This looks so forced. the fuel prices will definitely prove to be a blessing in disguise, as people use less vehicles resulting in less burden in the roads and streets and less pollution. So, idea is good and you're trying to start with a strong and complete argument. GOOD! But read the phrase in red again. Do you think you can write it better? Look at the number of times you are using in ... less .. It is very distracting to read that phrase.
For example there is a dramatic reduction in pollution in North Korea with the increase in the petrol prices. ooh such a bad example.
Besides the fuel price determines the market prices of other essential commodities and hiking the price can effect google effect vs affect
poor and middle class families. Hence, the aforementioned reasons are considered to be temporary solution to stop this problem. The phrase in red matches the one here on list of 10 phrases to avoid #10 http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

Nevertheless, now the question arises, Is there any permanent solution to halt this situation. Undoubtedly yes, there are various solution to deal with this hiking environmental issue. Are you writing a speech or an essay? Ask yourself did you provide any new information to the reader in first 2 sentences of your essay?
Firstly, stringent law should be implemented to use more and more public transport rather than preferring individual vehicles. Bad phrasing
For instance, odd even concept implemented by Delhi government is has proved to be beneficial for the people as well as for the environment. Because it helps in reducing traffic congestion and also improvise the quality of air. Why did you break that sentence abruptly and started the next one with because. Why not combine those?
Secondly, authorities should step forward and educate the citizens to prefer cycling in contrast to vehicles. Arguments like these is what I refer to as hanging arguments. Can someone ride bicycle for say 25Miles to go to office? So a better argument is to qualify this and say let's encourage people to cover short distances on bicycle.
Due to this the people can stay salubrious and at the same time we can help in making the environment green and clean. Hence all these mentioned points can bring wonders in future and we can make planet earth a living heaven to live.

In a nutshell, This one is #9 on the list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
I believe that by incorporating both short term and long term solution we can put a stop on this alarming environment degradation issue.

and as I said read the whole section 3 of this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

Your ideas are good but not really developed well. There are many sentences that can just be removed from the essay and they would not be missed as they make no impact or improve the message. The task response is lacking. Please do not fall in the trap of trying to write the "perfect essay" in the first go. Just focus first few attempts in making sure you are addressing the question at hand and then once you have nailed it start adding other elements.

Also, use your essay intro line to setup your essay. Example - using you own ideas from the essay
However in my opinion I believe that increasing petrol prices will be a short term solution and we will have to devise new ideas to put a permanent capping on this situation.

However I believe that increasing fuel prices can only be a short term solution as this will lead to inflation and we will need comprehensive environmental laws and policies to arrive at a long-term solution.

Now in the introduction itself you have introduced the idea that increase in fuel prices may cause inflation -> This will connect with your BP when you talk about fuel prices will impact transportation costs and hence prices will increase and impact middle class -> More cohesion and coherence.

In the second half where you said "new ideas" qualify those ideas saying that new environmental law and policies needed -> which you then expand on by introducing the "ride the bike" idea.

By giving a glimpse of your essay you make your introduction unique and also set the structure and tone in the introduction itself.

 

[preet kamal]

@cansha pls review my essay.tommorrow i have my exam.

 

[Nkem1992]

Hello everyone, please am problem is on reading, I am not really scoring high marks. Can anyone suggest tricks to use. Thank you.

 

[Nkem1992]

Hello everyone, please am problem is on reading, I am not really scoring high marks. Can someone help me with with tips on how to go about it.

 

[cansha]

@cansha pls review my essay.tommorrow i have my exam.

All the best for your exam! I will review it now but not sure it will help you at such a short notice.

 

[cansha]

@cansha , can you please review the essay below. Thanks in advance

Some people say protecting the environment is the government's responsibilty.others believe that every individual should take responsibilty for it.discuss both views and give your opinion.

.

It is indeed an important environmental issue that is being debated whether saving the environment is onus of the government or is solely the responsibility of an individual. This essay shall substantiate both views in the upcoming paragraphs before reaching a concrete conclusion. This is how I know that people have not been reading reviews on this thread. Refer point 1.4 on this post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Weak introduction. Use the introduction to give more glimpse about ideas in your essay and build upon them in the body paragraphs.

Firstly those who assert that the authorities should keep a check on safety of environment say so because they believe people would surely follow the rules ,if government enact stringent laws against the environmental offenders .
Hence those who invades these laws would have to pay hefty fines.Also it is the duty of the officials to scrutinize giant industries or factories who are sprewing out poisonous exhaust fumes which in turn decreases the air quality. To cite an example last to last year 2 years back
Delhi government has had you are talking in past tense taken an initiative by introducing odd and even car rule to run on alternate days which proved to be fruitful and researches also showed that this cut down the traffic by half and thereby reduced the air pollution .

Okay ideas are good but there are grammatical errors and also phrasing could be better. If you have some time before exam then read a few previous reviews to avoid the common errors.

On the other hand, Individuals should put efforts to clean the surrounding by throwing garbage in disposable waste .Similarly tourists should not harm the fragile ecosystem during their stays by throwing litter here and there. Furthermore people can opt for bicycle for shorter distances and for longer distances they can use public transport.For example country like India who has a mammoth population, if each person plants a tree and nurtures it or do simple steps of recycling things, the results would be unimaginable. You are jumping through to many ideas.

To conclude I believe that the onus of saving the environment is not only on the shoulders of the government .We must all come forward and put our efforts to save it ,before it's too late.Government and citizens approach of saving the environment should go hand in hand.

There is not much that can be changed in 1 day. You have good ideas and are addressing the "task response" criteria. My suggestion would be to read more reviews and just keep a note of things to avoid.

Wish you best for the test.

 

[preet kamal]

Thanks alot for your kind response.surely i will go through all of your reviews before exam.

 

[cansha]

Hello...
I'm new here ...I am uploading my writing ..can you please check it and revert with necessary changes and correction needed. It'll be a great help to me. I need 7 band writing. I am struck at 6.5. Also, give me a band score for my essay.

.

Some people prefer to live in hot climates, whereas others love lifestyles in countries with cold climates. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Type of weather liked by the people depends on their pattern of living. While some people think that living in the warmer area is more preferable, others prefer to live in the coldest place. This essay will consider both sides of the argument in detail and put forward evidence why I like to live in cold places as compared to warm places. Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

First and foremost, living in a hot climate is more beneficial because it gives freedom to people to wear light clothes and older people has fewer chances of getting ill. Firstly, You already said first.. can't start with firstly again. Sounds repetitive.
the people who live in a warmer area can easily wear trendy and light-weighted attires as compared to the people living in the cold climate. Additionally, they can show their physics and not chemistry? You mean physique?
and glamourous look easily. Furthermore, the second factor responsible for the like of warm place is the health of the aged persons, as these places are less prone to muscle or bone-related problems. For instance, an article published in the newspaper shows that the people who live in a hot climate are healthier than the people living in a cold area. Thus, lightweight cloth wearing and enhanced health of older people are the major advantages of living in the hot climate. Repetitive.

However, some people like living in cold places because these places are calmer and cost-effective. Due to coldness, people prefer to spend most of their time inside their homes and office, which reduces the traffic on the roads along with the less public crowd.
In addition to this, people also do not go out much which also saves money because they do not spend most of their time in shopping as they do when the weather is hot. How about online shopping?
This affects the nation’s economic growth. Point 2.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
For example, the cost of living in the warmest place is much more as compared to the cold ones. Therefore, if people want to live in a calm and cost-effective place, then the cold place is the best option for them.

Honestly, arguments in both body paragraphs are rather weak and flimsy. But, it is something that can be fixed only if you read more and build an idea bank for yourself so that you are able to present better arguments.

In conclusion, which type of weather is the best option for lifestyle is debatable among the people. In my opinion, living in a colder area is more beneficial than the warmer area due to above reasons
Weak conclusion. Refer section 3 on my post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

 

[houssem1012]

hello
can you please evaluate my essay

Computers are being used more and more in education. Some people say that this is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences.

There is no doubt that technological advancements especially computers have a profound impact on education. While some people believe that this is in favor of better learning, others are adamant opponent and think that the use of such tools will have reverse results. By the end of this essay, I will have discussed both points of view and explained my support for the latter view.



On one hand there is some who assert that Computers are technological tools to be diploid in distance learning. For instance, although, I am located in Algeria, I was able to benefit from a management course that took place in London last year. Moreover, computers can be of great importance regarding time consumption. While traditional learners use library to lookup new information which could take hours, those who utilize computers have all the information they need a click of a button away. Nevertheless, the aforementioned arguments are in my opinion not enough to support this way of thinking.


On the other hand, a considerable portion of society believe that computers will separate learners from their environment. Indeed, a Canadian study has shown that depression among students of computer-based schools is rising year after year. Furthermore, while spreading learning by computers can be seen as a step forward, the economical aspect of using these machines can have its toll on individuals, families and even governments. Thus, I would strongly advise against the use of computers in the educational process because the disadvantages of such use outweigh its advantages.

In conclusion, this essay has discussed both the positives and negatives of using computers in education. And after thoroughly analyzing the impact of that on students both socially and economically, I confirm that I am completely against the implementation of computers in education.

 

[RK_K]

Some people prefer to live in hot climates, whereas others love lifestyles in countries with cold climates. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Type of weather liked by the people depends on their pattern of living. While some people think that living in the warmer area is more preferable, others prefer to live in the coldest place. This essay will consider both sides of the argument in detail and put forward evidence why I like to live in cold places as compared to warm places. Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

First and foremost, living in a hot climate is more beneficial because it gives freedom to people to wear light clothes and older people has fewer chances of getting ill. Firstly, You already said first.. can't start with firstly again. Sounds repetitive.
the people who live in a warmer area can easily wear trendy and light-weighted attires as compared to the people living in the cold climate. Additionally, they can show their physics and not chemistry? You mean physique?
and glamourous look easily. Furthermore, the second factor responsible for the like of warm place is the health of the aged persons, as these places are less prone to muscle or bone-related problems. For instance, an article published in the newspaper shows that the people who live in a hot climate are healthier than the people living in a cold area. Thus, lightweight cloth wearing and enhanced health of older people are the major advantages of living in the hot climate. Repetitive.

However, some people like living in cold places because these places are calmer and cost-effective. Due to coldness, people prefer to spend most of their time inside their homes and office, which reduces the traffic on the roads along with the less public crowd.
In addition to this, people also do not go out much which also saves money because they do not spend most of their time in shopping as they do when the weather is hot. How about online shopping?
This affects the nation’s economic growth. Point 2.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
For example, the cost of living in the warmest place is much more as compared to the cold ones. Therefore, if people want to live in a calm and cost-effective place, then the cold place is the best option for them.

Honestly, arguments in both body paragraphs are rather weak and flimsy. But, it is something that can be fixed only if you read more and build an idea bank for yourself so that you are able to present better arguments.

In conclusion, which type of weather is the best option for lifestyle is debatable among the people. In my opinion, living in a colder area is more beneficial than the warmer area due to above reasons
Weak conclusion. Refer section 3 on my post https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

THANKS CANSHA...I WILL WORK ON IT.