@cansha
SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT CHILDREN SHOULD BE SENT TO NURSERY SCHOOL
BEFORE THEY GO TO PRIMARY SCHOOL, WHILE OTHERS THINK IT IS BETTER IF
THEY STAY AT HOME.
DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.
Nurseries have become very popular in the recent years since most mothers need to go back to work not long after giving birth.
Not sure I agree with this statement. When mothers go back kids are few months old. Topic is talking about Nursery schools and hence probably talking about age 2-5. Anyways let's say its fine.
While many assert, sending toddlers to nursery school can negatively affect them, others including myself, believe it actually helps children develop faster and better. I think you are missing a key piece of information in paraphrasing. The topic is "send children to nursery school before primary school". You think you are addressing the same topic. I think you're not. There is subtle difference. But let's ignore that for now. I will assume for the rest of the essay it is on topic.
In this essay I will discuss both point of views and give reasons to support my own before reaching a conclusion. Are you ignoring feedback or was it written before the feedback. For your reference this sentence is still # 1 on the list here http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/
So the thing is you had to write the last line because you already gave your opinion in the previous line. I always say give a glimpse of your essay in introduction. So how do you do that?
First, don't get innovative with the paraphrasing line. Keep it just that. A paraphrasing line. So no "I believe", "My opinion" business in paraphrasing line. So borrowing your line from above just keep it as
While many assert, sending toddlers to nursery school can negatively affect them, others
including myself, delete this believe
it actually helps children develop faster and better. It is not mentioned in the essay topic so do plain paraphrasing there. Use it in your later line for showing glimpse of essay you want to write
Now we will change the last line to something better. And actually show both sides
While people feel more secure teaching their kids at home till a certain age, I believe in the view that sending kids to nursery is beneficial, <your reasoning either pick the one you had in previous line or some other reason from BP2>
On the one hand, This phrase has been used to death in IELTS. If you can, avoid it.
some parents tend to feel more secure giving their offspring undivided attention until they’ve reached a certain age. For example, many mothers in Cairo, home school their children until the ages of 5 or 6. This is mainly to ensure the child is able to communicate well and have fully developed an understanding of right from wrong whereas a toddler at the age of 2 for instance would not be able to complain or even tell his/her parents about events that happened on a given day.
Okay kind of reasoning. Kind of on topic so I will take it. But I can clearly see this paragraph is shorter than the later paragraph which clearly shows you had more ideas for later paragraph than this one.
The other issue is there is no relationship developed between this paragraph and next one. So, think about it you are comparing option A and option B and then choosing which is better. But both the paragraphs are actually talking about totally different things which are not even related.
One way of relating the paragraphs is to show positives of option A and then showing what option A lacks and then show how option B can overcome the drawbacks in option A and has additional benefits.
So your option A is don't send kids to nursery and option B is send kids to nursery.
So write your option A a bit differently then you have written. So I'm just taking your ideas now. your idea is security
So write something like one of the main reasons parents prefer to teach their kids is their safety as toddlers can't even tell parents if something untoward happens. Now move on to example like you have. Now end your passage with something which is missing in your Option A. The missing thing is kids safety is fine but then drawback is one of the parents needs to be home and hence it will impact income generation.
Now come to option B. Now show how option B can address safety concerns. So I will bring in your arguments which are later in BP2 to earlier. So those camera arguments come before and you start saying these days security is better in nursery schools so that should not be an issue for parents to teach kids in school. From here move on to benefits for kids like learning and all you have.
And now end on a high note saying in addition to this Option B solves the problem which option A can not. If you send kid to nursery school mother can work and hence can earn extra income.
Now you conclude saying see option A is good because of security concerns but option B can also address with the help of technology. But option B has added benefit of extra income and hence it is a better option.
I feel this flow is better than your current essay flow. Hope all this makes sense. It is difficult to type this much and making sure you understood the point. This is all I mean by essay structure.
On the other hand, Nursery school has plenty of benefits that it could offer a family. Nurseries have given mothers the option of going back to work as early as 3 months post delivery and bringing in extra income that would keep a family more secure in today’s ever changing economy. It’s said by the well know Egyptian child psychologist Farida Amer, toddlers are known to speak faster, eat better and develop faster than toddlers that stay at home until they reach primary school age. This is because they are forced to communicate with one another since their mothers are not constantly helping them achieve every single task. Furthermore, nowadays, nurseries are safer than ever before. Cameras are installed in every corner of every room. Moreover, mothers are able to download an app to access these cameras and see exactly what goes on at any given time.
Nothing more to add. i wrote everything above. I think I would have gone with much simpler ideas but your ideas are still on topic but I think essay structure is a little haphazard. So, read above and see if it makes sense. I probably won't write such a long post again.
To conclude, I personally believe nurseries have come a long way. It’s safe to say that nursery school is the way to go if a mother needs some free time or has a job or even wants her child to develop some skills or dependency.
Idea of conclusion is good but could have been written a little better.
My feedback remains same. Your ideas and language are already there. Do a better job of organizing the ideas and take care of task response. You should be able to score what you need. All the best!
