IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Noor_100]

Hi @cansha and @H0peAndFa1th This is my second essay. Kindly evaluate and provide your valuable feedback.

In some cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem?

Voluminous traffic in metropolitan cities is a common problem across countries. Rapid increase in number of automobiles is leading to high traffic jams and congestion in urban areas. However, there are certain ways and measures that government can consider to solve this issue.


There are several factors for the increase in traffic in urban areas. Firstly, overcrowded population in metro cities due to high job availability, and this leads to increase in usage of vehicles and automobiles. Secondly, there is no proper limitation for the usage of personal vehicles such as cars and vans. For example, in city areas, each person in a family uses their own car for commuting and this increases the density of vehicle in busy roads and result to vehicle congestion. Thirdly, the lack of knowledge and awareness on following traffic rules. To illustrate, most of the people in metro areas, are trying to bypass the traffic signals, which would result in blocking the way of other vehicles.

One effective solution to deal with traffic problem is that government should educate and encourage its citizens to use public transports. This will lead to decrease of vehicle density in roads. In parallel, government should also increase the count of public transport vehicle to provide frequent access and availability for people. An alternate solution is, programs about traffic awareness and driving tests can be conducted to reduce traffic snarl. For instance, Singapore government runs the frequent campaign for public regarding driving and traffic.

In conclusion, increase in automobile usage in metropolitan areas and unawareness about traffic rules is leading to high traffic. And this can be controlled by enabling more public transports and awareness campaign by government for the people.

 

[jatinder161088]

Someone please evaluate my essay:

Some people believe that the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individual and society.


Discuss both views and give your opinion.



Secondary school education is considered by many as the only means of securing a reliable job. While, others think that there much greater outcomes for oneself as well as others. In my opinion, there are other benefit indeed apart from getting a stable job.

Firstly, it is quite imperative to grab a job after university education, not only to fulfil the basic needs of life like food, shelter and cloth but to achieve self-confidence and stability in life. The sole motive of education is to settle down, so that one should not face the crisis. Furthermore, the majority of criminals in society are actually a victim of unemployment. Since they are not able to secure a job for any reason, they get indulged into activities like robbery, murders etc. in order to fulfil their basic needs. So, crime is something that stems from unemployment.

On the other hand, secondary school education is pivotal for learning to live in the society. Due to the fact that there is blend of cultures in a university, one gains a skill to deal with variety of people. This greatly reduces the chances of a person being anti-social. Not the less, the learning gained by an individual can be passed on to the underprivileged people of the society. The people for whom affording an education is an arduous task, can avail free education from such graduated volunteers.

In conclusion, it is not a denying fact that studies in universities is vital to eradicate unemployment by securing better jobs, but there are other clear benefits too. In my opinion, one should always think about betterment of society apart from considering own stability and growth.

Total words: 278

 

[cansha]

@cansha
Thanks for your analysis and corrections.

I have reworked the essay. please find the latest essay below, kindly evaluate and provide your feedback.

Rich countries should not employ skilled labor from poor countries, as poor countries need the workers more. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is said that developed countries should not recruit skillful workers from overseas poorer countries, since, such poor countries need them for its their you are saying countries which is plural and hence need plural pronoun own progress. I, personally, disagree with this proposal, as the developed countries need the skilled labor more.

You changed the stance from previous essay.

Developed nations has have same error as in Introduction. Your subject is plural and hence you need to use have. You need to work on this huge industrial plants and technology hubs which in turn need considerable number of employees to support.
Nations with inadequate internal human resource, extends extend Same error again the job offers to the skilled workers in the destitute countries. Furthermore, this would be treated as good opportunity by the individual unemployed citizens from poor countries and with this they can manage their financial needs. For an instance, most of the unemployed graduates from South East Asia are have immigrated to western countries as they find offers in job market.

You need to really work on your subject verb/pronoun agreement.

Third-world countries can benefit by letting its citizen work in prosperous nations. Firstly, many professionally trained workers can improve the productivity of the host country and thus, the affluent countries would come forward to invest more funds for outsourcing in the poor countries. Such funds can be used to implement development plan and to fulfil its citizens basic needs in poor countries. In addition to this, a diplomatic relationship can be built between nations, where the poor nations can inherit the development ideas from developed nations. For instance, many skilful Indian are employed by Unites States. As a result of this, India is now in top priority when American conducts financial programs.

In conclusion, I believe that third-world countries should send their professional workers to some developed countries for some advantages in terms of living standard improvement and economic development.

Okay conclusion.

 

[cansha]

@cansha please evaluate
You did a one day course in a local college, but you were unhappy about it, write a letter to the principal of the college and in your letter write
-details about the course
-Why are you unhappy?
-Give some suggestions

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter to express my dissatisfaction towards the one day course on the JAVA programming language which was held last week. The course was on advanced JAVA concepts which included various intermediate topics about the language. Very good.

Although, the course was advertised as the advanced JAVA concepts, but I felt it included more of the basic concepts. I had applied for the course to improve my skills for the upcoming exam, however, the outcome of the course was not fruitful. Good

As a suggestion, in the next batch of the course, the actual topics from the advanced JAVA concepts can be taught. Also, practical demonstration of the examples on the projector will not only help students to grasp the concepts,no comma needed here but also give them the practical exposure to the topic.

I hope all the above points are taken into consideration to give more value to the course.

Yours Sincerely,
John Kramer.

Well written well done!

Some people think that new technology always improves the lives of workers. Other people believe that it results in disadvantageous for workers. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people have differing views about the impact of latest technology on the laborers. Some people believe that it has a positive effect on the life of the workers while there are others who believe that it has more drawbacks. In my opinion, I think it drastically improves the lives of the blue-collar workers as advanced machinery takes majority of the workload.

Good intro. You have narrowed the scope of the essay to blue collar workers.

On the one hand, This is overused phrase in IELTS, nothing wrong but try to learn other ways of writing.

there are some who think that use of the latest machines has more cons because of the learning curve associated with it. Useless line. This has been established in introduction itself. This is adding no value.
Undoubtedly, the workers have to be rigorously trained in order to enable them to use these advanced machinery. The use of latest JCB cement mixer, for instance, will require some prior training in order to operate it. However, once the training is successfully completed, it can immensely help the laborers.

I kind of understand what you were trying to say. But execution could be better.

On the other hand, there are others who believe that the latest machinery makes the work very easy for the workers. Same issue as above. This is not new and just rephrasing of introduction.

I agree with this view since the advanced machines take up the majority of the workload. Introduction repeated
To illustrate, the CAT brick making machine would continuously create bricks without the interaction of the worker once the instructions are fed into the machine. Not only this reduces the workload of the working staff but also gives them free time to focus on other activities.

Your body paragraphs have very little content. Two lines of BP are same as introduction. Idea is good but explore it further.

In conclusion, after having a look at both the differing views, although the advanced machines requires some training in order to operate it, but I believe once they acquire the knowledge to operate it, it tremendously reduces the work of the blue-collar workers.

Decent conclusion.

 

[virendera84]

Disclaimer: As a writer of this thread, I never got more or less than 6.5 in writing.

I am stuck at 6.5 bands in writing, got personal training from ex-ielts examiner, she explained alot, but still no avail, read books/info/tutorials from various ex-examiners, such as ielts-simon.com, Ryan higgins (ieltsielts.com), ielts Liz and many others I can't remember now.

My other maximum scores, Reading: 9 ( in both AC & GT), Listening: 8.5 , Speaking: 7.5, in short: Reading depends on your vocabulary, Listening and Speaking is luck. I admit that my grammar is weak, at least I feel that.

enough about me, Let's Talk business.

in this forum, there are many others like me, So I want to focus only on writing.

Feedback From IDP on writing


This is just a starting, I will add learning material, essays, essay analysis, written essays by me etc.

Let's admit that, we fail at writing and there is no conspiracy theory. Let us work towards improving it.

Please Share writing material, tips, tricks etc.


Post your own essays

I would like to suggest that you should take print out of this pdf file.
its cleared sample answer sheet pdf,
then
write on that, in time bound manner, like in 30 minutes
Click picture of it and post here, then we can check each others mistakes.
Make sure your handwriting is understandable and picture is nice.

 PDF:
https://uploadocean.com/eg22ddhpevxa
https://sendit.cloud/xqcitn78kx1e

I really hope we can work something out here.


Writing Materials

1. IELTS Academic & General Task 2. How to Write at a Band 9 Level (2017) -Ryan Higgins
note: I think this is the best source to know what cohesion and coherence is.

https://sendit.cloud/yxc3cmnc20zb
https://uploadocean.com/gwu8my7znuba

2. Essay Writing for English Tests by Gabi Duigu
note : This book should be your first book to understand what kind of writing they want from you, it was re-printed in 2003, I think this is mother of most of other ielts books, others are spin-off of this one.

https://sendit.cloud/6mjetq4kwjf7
https://uploadocean.com/6vgvszt4d930

3. IELTS Writing General Task 1 - How to write at a band 9 level -Ryan Higgins
note: Precise and clear in less time.

https://uploadocean.com/4aveqeoqi002
https://sendit.cloud/iaod6hvt090n

More material will come..

Sir,
Can you please share the link again as these are not working.

Thanks.

 

[jatinder161088]

Someone please evaluate my essay:

Some people believe that the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individual and society.


Discuss both views and give your opinion.



Secondary school education is considered by many as the only means of securing a reliable job. While, others think that there much greater outcomes for oneself as well as others. In my opinion, there are other benefit indeed apart from getting a stable job.

Firstly, it is quite imperative to grab a job after university education, not only to fulfil the basic needs of life like food, shelter and cloth but to achieve self-confidence and stability in life. The sole motive of education is to settle down, so that one should not face the crisis. Furthermore, the majority of criminals in society are actually a victim of unemployment. Since they are not able to secure a job for any reason, they get indulged into activities like robbery, murders etc. in order to fulfil their basic needs. So, crime is something that stems from unemployment.

On the other hand, secondary school education is pivotal for learning to live in the society. Due to the fact that there is blend of cultures in a university, one gains a skill to deal with variety of people. This greatly reduces the chances of a person being anti-social. Not the less, the learning gained by an individual can be passed on to the underprivileged people of the society. The people for whom affording an education is an arduous task, can avail free education from such graduated volunteers.

In conclusion, it is not a denying fact that studies in universities is vital to eradicate unemployment by securing better jobs, but there are other clear benefits too. In my opinion, one should always think about betterment of society apart from considering own stability and growth.

Total words: 278

@cansha Please evaluate my essay. My exam is on 15th Dec.

 

[Heyfonsi]

@cansha please evaluate

Q: Many people believe that educational success depends on good teachers. Others think that it is depended on the attitude of the students. Discuss both views and give your opinion


Many people are of the opine that good lecturers are responsible for academic excellence. However, this essay disagrees with this viewpoint and believes that such excellence is down to student’s attitude.

The main reason, many tie down academic success to good teachers is because they are responsible to ensure that students understand and grasp the exact meaning of everything being taught. In other words, if lecturers fail to explain the lectures properly, even the brightest of students will find it difficult to score good grades in exams. For instance, a recent survey conducted by leading newspaper Daily mail revealed that 63% of young learners in Oxford University believe that their result good grades are as a result of newly appointed high quality teaching staffs. Thus, it is logical to think that good teachers can lead to academic success.

However, on the other hand, it is worth pointing out that attitude of students has a significant role in determining success in schools and colleges. No matter, how good the teachers are, students will succeed only with proper determination and effort. Recently, the stats released by IIM Delhi revealed that number of students failing to obtain under graduate degree certificate has increased by a whopping 33% when compared to last year, despite retaining all the previous year's staffs. Therefore, it is unfair to expect good academic results without proper effort from the students.

To sum up, although quality teachers can improve the grades in schools and colleges, student’s attitude and hunger to achieve success will ultimately determine their success or failure.

 

[RAGHAVK]

The introduction is really weak!! And it has all the issues that I have mentioned on all previous reviews. Please please read previous reviews. At least some 20 pages back to here.



Now look at your paragraph. You wrote so many lines for first argument and even had an example. What happened with argument 2? Why is it hanging at the end. You know why that happened. You wrote so many fluff sentences before .. by the end you realized oh my paragraph is so long now. Your ideas are good. Please make most of those.





Okay. Take care of the grammatical errors.



Conclusion needs to be better.

Thanks, Cansha. I just logged in after long time and happy to see your feedback.
I shall work towards it. How many marks would you give for this?

 

[cansha]

Someone kindly evaluate

You are studying for a qualification, and you would like some time off work to complete it.
Write a letter to your manager. In your letter:
· Ask for some time off to complete a qualification.
· Suggest what you will do later at work if you have time off.
· Say how the qualification helps your job or company.

Dear Sir,

I have started my MBA Executive one year ago from University on Lancaster and currently enrolled in 3rd semester. My classes are schedule twice a week (Monday & Tuesday) from 4:00pm to 6:00pm. I would request you to kindly allow relaxation of one hour to leave office early so that I can attend my classes.

Some time off in the question most likely means they want you to take some sort of sabbatical and not leave office 1 hour earlier.

As I am currently working as import associate and have certain duties and task to complete, You are writing this to your manager. Why would your manager not know what are you working as?

I can assure you that, I will try my best to complete my obligation on time and would also allocate my spare time to finish my tasks.

MBA is a professional degree and once I have completed it will helps me to perform my duties with better understanding and confidence. This will also improve my abilities to think tactically and resolve issues with ease.

You think a manager wouldn't know what is an MBA? I think task execution on this one is a little sketchy? Do you work somewhere? If yes, then treat these questions like how would you write an email to your boss at office and write the same way. If you are not working yet, then may be check out a few more examples online for such letters.

All the best!

 

[cansha]

@ Cansha please evaluate.

Some people think that the media (newspaper) have the right to publish details of people's private life, while other's think it should be controlled?
Discuss both views.

First thought is this essay looks little short. it may be just about 250 words. My suggestion would be to write about 265/270 words to be safe on actual exam.

It is argued that mass media has the authority to print storied about personal lives of people, however, few opine that such content should be scrutinized. Good

This essay will first discuss that exposing private lives of people influences others to bring a positive change in their life.It will also demonstrate that putting private life of an individual on social platform is completely unethical.

I personally don't like essays written in "third person". I know some websites / online tutors write this was "this essay will ...". I find it unappealing.

At the outset, it is opiniated that sharing somebody's personal experience with public will have a positive effect on general masses. Why are you consistently in third person. Whose opinion is this? How do you this is opinionated?

This is to say that if life experiences of an eminent personality are broadcasted through newspapers, ordinary people will gain knowledge through it and apply it in their own lives. Eh.. I find this argument really weak.

For instance, whenever journalists print news about any charities that are done by celebrities, people follow them and donate towards social causes.

I think the context of the essay is entirely different from what you have actually written. It is your interpretation but I'm not sure how much an actual examiner would agree with this interpretation of the topic. In my opinion, you are way off. The essay actually wants you to discuss whether media intrusion is justified or not. publishing someone's charity donations is not media intrusion per se. It is media intrusion when media publishes something which is related to personal lives of people. So I think you have missed the main point.

Alternatively, it is believed to be an unethical practice to intervene in anyone's private life. Again whose belief?

In other words, By now I have written in N number of reviews how much I dislike this phrase. It makes no sense. But I guess no one wants to read other reviews.

people do not want to share what they do in their personal lives with everyone. Now you are on the point which is related to the essay. But you needed other side of this. Why publishing personal details may be considered okay in the first paragraph.

Each and every individual wants to maintain privacy of certain aspects of their lives and nobody has the right to disclose it to public. To illustrate, I would not want anyone to know which accommodation I chose to stay in during my last holiday. Now you are being repetitive.

In conclusion, it is acceptable that media discloses private happenings in people's lives considering the fact that others will get motivated by it.
Nonetheless, exposing someones family life is absolutely despicable as no one should intrude anyone's personal space.
'

Honestly, I think positives are that your writing is very clean. the sentences and paragraphs flow and I don't need to read a sentence again to understand what it conveys.

But the negative is that you are way off target according to me in this one. It may depend on examiner but you may get stuck with 6.5 with this one.

You definitely need to read more essays.

 

[cansha]

Someone please evaluate my essay:

Some people believe that the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individual and society.


Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Secondary school education is considered by many as the only means of securing a reliable job. Are you sure secondary school and University education means the same thing? You may want to rethink on this.

While, others think that there are much greater outcomes for oneself as well as others.

In my opinion, there are other benefit indeed apart from getting a stable job. Okay but what are those. Atleast give a glimpse here.

Weak introduction! Go back a few pages and review introductions. And also read online more essays on what is a good introduction.

Firstly, it is quite imperative to grab a job after university education, not only to fulfil the basic needs of life like food, shelter and cloth but to achieve self-confidence and stability in life. Good idea but you may want to review your phrasing here. Not only ... but also is the correct structure. Your also is missing.

The sole motive of education is to settle down, so that one should not face the crisis. What is the contribution of this sentence when you have covered everything in previous one.

Furthermore, the majority of criminals in society are actually a victim of unemployment. Wow ... look at your jump. You have moved from getting jobs to criminality in one sentence.

Since they are not able to secure a job for any reason, they get indulged into activities like robbery, murders etc. in order to fulfil their basic needs. So, crime is something that stems from unemployment. Read the topic again. Topic is not to discuss reasons of increased crime rate.

Your paragraph barring the first line is all over the place. You know there is a evaluation criteria called coherence and cohesion. this goes to coherence. It's bad in this paragraph. Also, you lose marks on task response. you are answering a question which has not been asked,

On the other hand, secondary school education is pivotal for learning to live in the society. Due to the fact that there is blend of cultures in a university, one gains a skill to deal with variety of people. This greatly reduces the chances of a person being anti-social.

Not the less, what does it even mean? the learning gained by an individual can be passed on to the underprivileged people of the society. See again you start from somewhere and go to an entirely different tangent on the next line.

The people for whom affording an education is an arduous task, can avail free education from such graduated volunteers. Man you're all over the place.

Buddy you really need to read more essays. And more websites. And you will see a common theme on those. They will tell you to have single idea per paragraph for precisely the reason that people tend to get lost in their own arguments.

In conclusion, it is not a denying fact that studies in universities is vital to eradicate unemployment by securing better jobs, but there are other clear benefits too. In my opinion, one should always think about betterment of society apart from considering own stability and growth.

Total words: 278

Bad conclusion.

I will be honest, you need a lot of work buddy. I guess you said your test is on 15th Dec. It is possible to be ready by then. You have no big issues in terms of English or Grammar but you really need to learn about task response and essay structures. I think spend next couple of days reading more rather than writing more. Go back at least 30 pages on this forum and start reading. And also read more online. For next 2-3 days just read and make notes on essay structure and argument building. And then attempt an essay.

I wish you all the best!

 

[cansha]

Hi @cansha and @H0peAndFa1th This is my second essay. Kindly evaluate and provide your valuable feedback.

In some cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem?

Voluminous traffic in metropolitan cities is a common problem across countries. Good

Rapid increase in number of automobiles is leading to high traffic jams and congestion in urban areas. There is an issue here which will become apparent in the next BP.

However, there are certain ways and measures that government can consider to solve this issue. Mention the solutions just like you mention cause in previous sentence to make introduction even better.

Good intro with some problem which will come from BP1.

There are several factors for the increase in traffic in urban areas. Two points. One this is a very lame opening for a body paragraph. Second now you say there are various factors but in intro you have only one issue mentioned. A better introduction would kind of allude to there are more reasons and give few examples. And then you don't need to use this lame opening.

Firstly, overcrowded population in metro cities due to high job availability, and this leads to increase in usage of vehicles and automobiles. Very weird phrasing.

Secondly, there is no proper limitation for the usage of personal vehicles such as cars and vans. For example, in city areas, each person in a family uses their own car for commuting and this increases the density of vehicle in busy roads and result to vehicle congestion. Thirdly, the lack of knowledge and awareness on following traffic rules. To illustrate, most of the people in metro areas, are trying to bypass the traffic signals, which would result in blocking the way of other vehicles.

Overall the passage is not far off from the topic of the essay so it's not bad at all. Could have been better with minor tweaks.

One effective solution to deal with traffic problem is that government should educate and encourage its citizens to use public transports. This will lead to decrease of vehicle density in roads. In parallel, government should also increase the count of public transport vehicle to provide frequent access and availability for people. An alternate solution is, programs about traffic awareness and driving tests can be conducted to reduce traffic snarl. For instance, Singapore government runs the frequent campaign for public regarding driving and traffic.

Good!

In conclusion, increase in automobile usage in metropolitan areas and unawareness about traffic rules is leading to high traffic. And this can be controlled by enabling more public transports and awareness campaign by government for the people.

Conclusion is very nicely done.

Overall this essay is very good. A few minor tweaks and you may be looking at 8+ and not merely 7+ score on this one. Well done!

 

[cansha]

@cansha please evaluate

Q: Many people believe that educational success depends on good teachers. Others think that it is depended on the attitude of the students. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Many people are of the opine that good lecturers are responsible for academic excellence.

However, this essay disagrees with this viewpoint and believes that such excellence is down to student’s attitude.

It is a bit disappointing and frustrating that no one reads the previous reviews (not specifically you). I don't know which website or teacher is propagating this style of writing "this essay ..... ". In my opinion, this is kind of killing your own essay. Look at the topic. It asks very specifically give your opinion. Why do you need to write it in third person? This essay will .... Straightaway say it is your opinion. IELTS is testing your skill to answer a question reasonably and hence there are marks for task response.

Even disregarding the above the introduction is a little thin on content. When the paraphrasing line is not so long since topic sentence is small give some more glimpse of the essay in the introduction to make it better.

The main reason, many tie down academic success to good teachers is because they are responsible to ensure that students understand and grasp the exact meaning of everything being taught.

In other words, I have stated this in many essays before so I won't give in many details but I think you kill your own essay by using this phrase. if possible, stop using it else it is your exam so all the best!

if lecturers fail to explain the lectures properly, even the brightest of students will find it difficult to score good grades in exams. This whole sentence adds no value.

For instance, a recent survey conducted by leading newspaper Daily mail revealed that 63% of young learners in Oxford University believe that their result good grades are as a result There is some mess here.

of newly appointed high quality teaching staffs. Thus, it is logical to think that good teachers can lead to academic success.

Whole paragraph is just okay. There is not a big "punch" or "message" in the paragraph. But, at least doesn't digress too much as well.

However, on the other hand, it is worth pointing out that attitude of students has a significant role in determining success in schools and colleges. No matter, how good the teachers are, students will succeed only with proper determination and effort. Recently, the stats released by IIM Delhi revealed that number of students failing to obtain under graduate degree certificate has increased by a whopping 33% when compared to last year, despite retaining all the previous year's staffs. Therefore, it is unfair to expect good academic results without proper effort from the students.

I don't know how I feel about this essay. To be honest there is no actual meat in any of the body paragraphs.

To sum up, although quality teachers can improve the grades in schools and colleges, student’s attitude and hunger to achieve success will ultimately determine their success or failure.

I don't know how to judge this one. The essay technically fulfills task response but I'm not sure how an actual examiner would evaluate this. I think if you are extremely lucky you may get a 7. But given the trend these days I would say you would have to improve a bit to score 7+. All the best!

 

[Heyfonsi]

It is a bit disappointing and frustrating that no one reads the previous reviews (not specifically you). I don't know which website or teacher is propagating this style of writing "this essay ..... ". In my opinion, this is kind of killing your own essay. Look at the topic. It asks very specifically give your opinion. Why do you need to write it in third person? This essay will .... Straightaway say it is your opinion. IELTS is testing your skill to answer a question reasonably and hence there are marks for task response.

Even disregarding the above the introduction is a little thin on content. When the paraphrasing line is not so long since topic sentence is small give some more glimpse of the essay in the introduction to make it better.



Whole paragraph is just okay. There is not a big "punch" or "message" in the paragraph. But, at least doesn't digress too much as well.



I don't know how I feel about this essay. To be honest there is no actual meat in any of the body paragraphs.




I don't know how to judge this one. The essay technically fulfills task response but I'm not sure how an actual examiner would evaluate this. I think if you are extremely lucky you may get a 7. But given the trend these days I would say you would have to improve a bit to score 7+. All the best!

Thank you @cansha

 

[jatinder161088]

Weak introduction! Go back a few pages and review introductions. And also read online more essays on what is a good introduction.


Your paragraph barring the first line is all over the place. You know there is a evaluation criteria called coherence and cohesion. this goes to coherence. It's bad in this paragraph. Also, you lose marks on task response. you are answering a question which has not been asked,




Buddy you really need to read more essays. And more websites. And you will see a common theme on those. They will tell you to have single idea per paragraph for precisely the reason that people tend to get lost in their own arguments.



Bad conclusion.

I will be honest, you need a lot of work buddy. I guess you said your test is on 15th Dec. It is possible to be ready by then. You have no big issues in terms of English or Grammar but you really need to learn about task response and essay structures. I think spend next couple of days reading more rather than writing more. Go back at least 30 pages on this forum and start reading. And also read more online. For next 2-3 days just read and make notes on essay structure and argument building. And then attempt an essay.

I wish you all the best!

Thank you @cansha ..Let me go through some essays and will write one more on Tuesday.