IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[priteshgondalia]

good intro, everything is clear, no mess.
intro to body para is good.


everything is nice, good use of vocabulary, no odd word usage,


again vocab, word usage, cohesion, coherence, everything is good



strong conclusion is good.
------------

I can't find anything bad in this essay, you have wide range of vocab for the topic. word usage is very good, everything is smooth and clear, there is no obvious stress while reading.

Keep writing like this, I feel it should deserve 7.5 to 8.5 bands. yes this essay is delicious.

Thank You so much @H0peAndFa1th

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Write a letter to a friend, who works in a foreign country, expressing your interest to seek employment in a different country.
Your letter should include:
· why you want to work in a different country
· what type of work you will be looking for –
· questions you have about working in a different country that your friend may be able to answer

Hi Wilson,

Hope you are doing good. I am writing this letter to tell you that I am searching for a job in Canada. I want to move to your country because it offers a better lifestyle and social security, which is not available in most of the countries. Besides, I always admired the beautiful landscape and weather of Canada.

clear enough.

As you know that I have been working as a telecom engineer for last 10 years, I am interested in a similar role in any of the telecom service providers in Canada. It would be helpful if you can connect me to any of your friends working in a similar industry. Moreover, I would like to know about licensing requirements to work as a professional engineer in Canada as I have heard that, I will have to take an exam for it. Could you please share more information about it and how can I prepare for it.

Looking forward to hear from you soon.


Regards,

AMK

again its all clear. not less than 7 in any case.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life?

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

thanks for highlighting the keywords, Its great when you know what the hell you are doing.

Let's be brutal now.....

Owing to the competitiveness in journalism business, companies opting all the possibilities to intrude into the famous peoples' lives to built a sensational story in order to capture more eyeballs. Sometimes, this originates poor treatment towards the national icons by media companies and I strongly assert that, prestigious personalities should receive more personal space and careful handling.

read this Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

it says

intro
discuss 1
discuss 2
your opinion
conclusion

logical progression, avoid your opinion in both views essay in introduction,

your vocab, word usage, they way of delivery, sentence structure is good.

There are numerous reason why media houses often handles the affluent people in an unjustified manner.
what the fuck this is saying ? what do you mean by "Handle" ? and what is "unjustified manner"
this is a disaster, wrong word usage, literal translation from mother tongue. I can smell it from a mile away.
Firstly, it turns their small movements a breaking news to engage more viewers.
"it" ? or "this" ?? "small movements" to "breaking news" care to explain how ? totally a figment of your own imagination. disaster again.
To exemplify, news channels go after celebrities when they spend their leisure in other countries with someone.
"go after" or follow ? is this 5th grade test ? "with someone" ?? what are you trying to say here, well that makes no sense at all.
Secondly, they often encourages hot shot people only which left, other talented people from the small towns underexposed to the audience .
what the hell is this again ?? who are "they" ? "hot shot people" ? "small towns" "underexposed " ???? wtf ??
Lastly, these companies only follow people until they go off the lime light and then they does not bother to care about them.
wtf again ? " these companies" which ones ? "does not bother to care about them." are they their care takers, why should they ? don't translate from your mother tongue. WRITE SOME ENGLISH.

First, I had to stop my music to read it. It means its messy.
your shit successfully hits the fan and now its all over. congratulations.

Rich and famous people must be given more space as even money cannot be a substitute to sacrifice it.
wtf again ? "money cannot be a substitute to sacrifice it" ?? what's going on here ?
Firstly, every individual should have freedom to live freely to recreate themselves without being invaded by other elements.
OMG, what are you thinking,"recreate themselves" are they mummies ? robots ? - wow "invaded" ?? "other elements" ? seems like ALIENS are here.
To Exemplify, companies must not disturb people when they are on their honeymoon.
Are you serious ? companies ? "disturb" "honeymoon" ?? Let them do it mate, cuz there's already enough population.
Secondly, human needs their own time when they are dealing with relationship crisis or phases and this must not be exposed to the rest of the world.
"human needs their own time" is time a thing ?
Lastly, rich people has their own way of spending the money therefore, news companies emphasizing on it will lead the common people spends more to achieve big cars, foreign trips etc. as opposed to their income level.
again, shit up there.

To conclude, news companies must not create headlines by invading into their private space of the rich and famous people.

Please Review and be brutal!

Next time target the toilet, not the fan.


What has happened here ?
why are you writing like this ?
Words glued together without making much sense.

6.5 for sure.

 

[kadeed]

Hi everyone, Its the first time I came across this discussions in the this form. I am in the same position I have tried Ielts three times failed to get 7 in writing even though I scored 9 in reading 8 in speaking and 8.5 in Listening.
I hope in the next time I can score 7 in writing. as Les brown said ( it is not over until I win)

can you help me to check on the below letter.

You would like to participate in a work-related seminar in another country. Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost.
Write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Dear Sir.
I am writing to you regarding the upcoming workshop that you are planning to hold in London.

Participating in such events is important to me, because I am a software engineer and I desire to gain more knowledge. By the way my name is Mohamed Hassan and I am from Somalia. Can you kindly inform me about the dates of the seminar.

With the regards of the topics and agendas, which will be covered in the workshop, it will be great if you can send me the seminar's brochure, so I will have a detailed description of the programs that will be covered.

Would you kindly clarify to us, if housing is provided by the organizers, and if not can you inform us how much will it cost to rent a room in that area. Also we need to know the seminar fees, as it will be paid by my company.

I look forward to hear from you.

yours faithfully
Hassan

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi everyone, Its the first time I came across this discussions in the this form. I am in the same position I have tried Ielts three times failed to get 7 in writing even though I scored 9 in reading 8 in speaking and 8.5 in Listening.
I hope in the next time I can score 7 in writing. as Les brown said ( it is not over until I win)

it is not over until I win - Les brown

Welcome Mate....

can you help me to check on the below letter.

sure, happy to

You would like to participate in a work-related seminar in another country. Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost.
Write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Dear Sir.
I am writing to you regarding the upcoming workshop that you are planning to hold in London.

Participating in such events is important to me, because I am a software engineer and I desire to gain more knowledge. By the way my name is Mohamed Hassan and I am from Somalia. Can you kindly inform me about the dates of the seminar.

everything is right, but little improvements could be made,

I am Mohamed Hassan from Somalia and writing to you regarding the upcoming workshop that you are planning to hold in London.

Participating in such events is important to me, because I am a software engineer and I desire to gain more knowledge. Can you kindly inform me about the dates of the seminar.

that's much better.

With the regards of the topics and agendas, which will be covered in the workshop, it will be great if you can send me the seminar's brochure, so I will have a detailed description of the programs that will be covered.


Would you kindly clarify to us, if housing is provided by the organizers, and if not can you inform us how much will it cost to rent a room in that area. Also we need to know the seminar fees, as it will be paid by my company.

I look forward to hear from you.

yours faithfully
Hassan

clearly this letter is 6.5, very basic, just enough to cover the question, but lacks in creativity, vocabulary, sentence structure, C&C etc etc.

So first you need to read lots of essays, letters, and compare yourself with band 9 sample essays, Yes you have to emulate them to get band 7

I really want to see you grow, post your essay, but make sure you READ this thread from start.

don't make the same mistakes.

 

[MaryNguyen]

Hi guys
One of my problems is the lack of ideas, both main and supporting ones. I believe the best way to improve this weakness is reading sample essays and news. However, I also think that I need to build my vocabulary repertoire that is suitable for ielts essays. Therefore, I should read and analyse sample essays first.
I know Simon, Pauline Cullen, Chris Pell, Elizabeth(ieltsliz), Ryan Higgins. So if are there other ielts teachers who are native like these people and do post their samples, please tell me their names or webs. Thank you.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Present a written argument to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

Version 1

It is a popular belief that businesses should do, whatever they want [better word is : need/required to], to increase their bottom lines because their sole purpose of existence is money-minting.
good :"bottom lines" and "money-minting"

However, I totally disagree with the notion. Companies should not adopt any means that are [ which has been ] declared illegal by common law or violates the ‘Corporate Social Responsibility’ (CSR) clause of corporate law.

overall this is very good intro, 7 or more bands.

In our society, many illicit activities can significantly enhance the bottom line or monopoly of any organization, for instance, bribery or covert cartel making [cartel making ? I know what are you saying here, but believe me English examiners are sometimes dumb, so explain them fully what it is, what's the purpose or drawback of cartels, like rigging up the price] etc. Bribery can influence government regulating authorities to condone some of the companies violations and an illegal cartel can effect the price-demand balance of the market suppressing any real competition [nice, just what I noted, thanks for explanation]. Both of these activities are strictly prohibited by law; although they can elevate their profits to unprecedented levels. Therefore, no organization is supposed to exploit these avenues to expand their business and any attempt to do so, will call for a legal action against practitioners.

so, this para says if it is illegal don't do it.

nice language, delivery, one main idea, logic, reason, word choice, vocab, collocations, sentence structure, clearly 7 for this one, minimum.

Similarly, there is a stringent code of corporate social responsibility in our law and all businesses are expected to adhere to it. CSR is a combination of ethical obligations on any organization towards the environment and humans of their operating country. For instance, they cannot pollute the environment beyond a certain threshold to produce or process their products. Nobody is actually measuring pollution created by them, but it is their own moral obligation to curb emissions or industrial waste to ensure a healthy environment for the human beings.

very smooth, no hesitation, logical progression, vocab, collocations etc etc.

everything is so good, I really want to read essays like this one, this is so ideal essay. clearly above 7.

Altogether, no business is allowed to resort to illegal or socially unacceptable means to create profits for their shareholders. More stringent laws and regulating authorities should be developed to scrutinize the businesses of all strata.

wow nice conclusion, you know what are you writing.

because this one is so good, let's see what is missing here.
idiomatic language.
If statement (Conditional sentence)
question statement,

try to incorporate these things to get you above 8, but don't spoil your current state.

Version 2
It is a popular belief that businesses should do, whatever they want, to increase their bottom lines because their sole purpose of existence is money-minting. However, I totally disagree with the notion. Companies should not adopt any means that are deemed illegal by common law or violates their corporate social responsibility.

nice, clear.

Companies can enhance and expand their businesses by resorting to many illegal activities such as bribery, cartel making or over-promising. Such kind of activities are strictly prohibited by law; though, they are covertly practiced by many organizations in the world. Governments should strengthen their rules and regulations to abstain companies from such non-legit activities. Moreover, law enforcement agencies should more aggressively pursue the violators to ensure rule of law.

again clear, good word usage, and vocab, no issues at all. logical.

Similarly, there is responsibility of all businesses towards the society in which they operate. This is called corporate social responsibility in business terms. It is the ethical expectation from all businesses that they act responsibly and do not harm the environment or human beings in order to make profits. For instance, a growing issue of pollution has always been talked about. Many industries do not properly dispose off their waste leading to air or water pollution as it costs them a lot of money. Businesses should not do such irreversible harm to environment for the sake of their money as they will also suffer from the consequences.

again everything is perfect.

Altogether, no business should not be allowed to resort to illegal or socially unacceptable means to create profits for their shareholders. More stringent laws and regulating authorities should be developed to scrutinize the businesses of all strata.

nice

-------
You deserve 7.5 to 8.5, but examiner these days are so shitheads, don't expect more than 7 or 7.5 for this.

repeat the good things, try to add suggestions, but don't spoil the good thing.

under exam conditions, we make mistakes, we forget things. keep that in mind.

 

[vmsanthosh.chn]

Hi Friends,

Trying my first essay in this forum. Could someone please help with a review?
------------------
In some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
------------------------------------------------------

High-end professionals who earn twice the threshold of standard wage bar are often considered as assets for a growing country. Some people insists that these highly salaried individuals can always help with their country’s growth, while the other side believes that there should be a governance in place in their remuneration. They argue that the government should set a limit for the maximum amount of salary one can earn irrespective of their sectors and I completely agree with that.

One of the main sources of income for the government is the tax money. The more you earn, the more you need to pay back to the government. The wages paid to senior leadership such as CEO or CTO of any organization is almost 200 times higher than the salary paid to a junior employee. The taxes paid by these creamy layer of executives, are eventually used for the country’s own development, but indeed with an asterisk. For example, in countries like US and Canada, approximately 30% of the total salary is paid back to the government for free education, free health benefits and better infrastructure.

However, it is also true that this segment is bringing in the unsolicited social inequality. One can clearly view this as a social disaster from ten thousand feet above. While one set of people in the country is earning multi-folded package, the other end of the chain is struggling hard for their daily bread and milk. This difference in economy, can open up the gate for several crimes and civilian imbalances. If it can happen, it will happen. The recent gunshot happened in North Virginia on Sep 20th in a local bakery, is an example as the criminal was demonstrating his anger towards the society due to his poverty. The only solution for fixing this problem is to enforce a limit to the maximum amount of wages one can earn in any given industry and treat everybody equal. Government should not be cutting corners for any reasons.

To conclude, there is no doubt that extremely high salaried professionals are real assets for the country, but it is also important to set a maximum cap for the money one can earn in the form of a salary that can nip several mishaps at its bud itself . This will also help the government to reinstate and carve in stone that – everybody is equal.

 

[kadeed]

thing: a topic, an idea, an issue : here it's vertical tall buildings or horizontal , now there ar

As some of you may have already know it, Today we have received results of 13 October test, well they came positive for me, finally!

Overall Band: 8.0
Listening: 8.5
Reading: 8.5
Writing: 7.0
Speaking: 7.0

I was waiting for it, kinda frustrated, that was the reason why I was reluctant to review your essays. I hope my journey will help you.

this was my 8th test this year, starting from 6th Jan 2018.

few details,
Listening: It ranged from 7 to 8.5 - never got 9
Reading: It ranged from 7.5 to 9 - mostly 9
Writing: 6.5 in 6 tests, 7 in two, including this one
Speaking: ranged from 6.5 to 8 - even got 6.5 to 7.5 via reevaluation

What inhibited me from achieving the required scores ?

Listening: I think, because this is the first section, nervousness, an agitated state, frustration, I even missed first ones which are the easiest ones. And sometimes because of a map, directions, MCQ, It boils down to your luck. A split second distraction can cost you a half band. For this there's is only one tip, increase the speed of your practice listening tests, and keep listening BBC Radio stations all the time, even in toilet, keep it running beside your pillow while you are sleeping

Reading: I read alot, It helps me calm, I enjoy it, busting IELTS tricks gives me thrill, but sometimes answers are totally vague, you can not be 100% sure.

Speaking: I am not a people person, I avoid strangers, unnecessary talks, conversations, have traits of an Introvert, So even hesitated in first introductory questions, most of the times my two minutes speaking topic was short in length, because it's hard for me to cook-up fake stories, but I always engaged well in Part 3, follow up questions, there are reasons, two part questions, they will keep asking why, and I love answering whys of my views. I speak my mind, and fortify it with examples, reasons etc. Most of the times examiners enjoyed talking to me because I don't cave-in, I always note or keep an eye on their eyebrows, their stressed forehead, inquisitive questions, a state of wondering, more question coming out of my own statements, lengthy conversation of consisting of 12 to 20 questions --- this all tells me, its going fine. If your part is ending quickly, say less than 10 questions or they are not asking questions from your own answers, means you are in a danger zone, some examiners like to cut short, they don't give the time to explain and you end up getting 6.5

Writing: There are many contributing factors for writing section, they vary individually, In-fact this whole thread is about it.
> I was out of practice, wrote nothing substantial by hand in last 10 years.
> My grammar was always weak, still struggling, blame the teachers I have got till 10th standard.
> I think alot before writing a line or sentence, a quest to make it perfect, never got the time to review my essay, even once.
> tendency to digress, said something, then started explaining it, which went south, failed badly in task achievement, wrote irrelevant stuff entirely.
> spelling mistakes, blame my computer for that.

To improve it.
> made myself known to their assessing criteria, mainly Task achievement.
> learned to write longer sentences, complex and compound, a content rich sentences with more meat.
> most Important - write essay under 30 minutes, letter 15 minutes, count words, review it, check articles -spell errors. etc.


well If you are new here, start reading this thread from first post, most of us are making same mistakes and getting same 6.5 bands.


some other thoughts ::

Now some of you heard that - IELTS is a scam, yes surely it is, I have no doubt in this statement.

but this should not deter you from improving yourself, you have to admit/own your mistakes, then improve them all.

is this entirely an English language test ?
nope it is not, they test your IQ and EQ too, your psychology plays great role in this test.
prepare well, trust yourself, be calm, think that you can always come and take this test again, have the budget and mental toughness to go through it, It is a high wall if others can climb it you can do it too.

Consider yourself lucky, if you got 8777 in first attempt, or even in first 3 attempts.

Best of luck to everyone involved in this thread or even reading as a guest,

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Congrats man, even though its a bit late, but you truly deserve it.
you help us here on our essays but also your commitment and desire to get the result you want is another lesson to all of us.
pls do keep helping us, you and the rest of the amazing members of this forum are great.

 

[baxa1981]

As some of you may have already know it, Today we have received results of 13 October test, well they came positive for me, finally!

Overall Band: 8.0
Listening: 8.5
Reading: 8.5
Writing: 7.0
Speaking: 7.0

I was waiting for it, kinda frustrated, that was the reason why I was reluctant to review your essays. I hope my journey will help you.

this was my 8th test this year, starting from 6th Jan 2018.

few details,
Listening: It ranged from 7 to 8.5 - never got 9
Reading: It ranged from 7.5 to 9 - mostly 9
Writing: 6.5 in 6 tests, 7 in two, including this one
Speaking: ranged from 6.5 to 8 - even got 6.5 to 7.5 via reevaluation

What inhibited me from achieving the required scores ?

Listening: I think, because this is the first section, nervousness, an agitated state, frustration, I even missed first ones which are the easiest ones. And sometimes because of a map, directions, MCQ, It boils down to your luck. A split second distraction can cost you a half band. For this there's is only one tip, increase the speed of your practice listening tests, and keep listening BBC Radio stations all the time, even in toilet, keep it running beside your pillow while you are sleeping

Reading: I read alot, It helps me calm, I enjoy it, busting IELTS tricks gives me thrill, but sometimes answers are totally vague, you can not be 100% sure.

Speaking: I am not a people person, I avoid strangers, unnecessary talks, conversations, have traits of an Introvert, So even hesitated in first introductory questions, most of the times my two minutes speaking topic was short in length, because it's hard for me to cook-up fake stories, but I always engaged well in Part 3, follow up questions, there are reasons, two part questions, they will keep asking why, and I love answering whys of my views. I speak my mind, and fortify it with examples, reasons etc. Most of the times examiners enjoyed talking to me because I don't cave-in, I always note or keep an eye on their eyebrows, their stressed forehead, inquisitive questions, a state of wondering, more question coming out of my own statements, lengthy conversation of consisting of 12 to 20 questions --- this all tells me, its going fine. If your part is ending quickly, say less than 10 questions or they are not asking questions from your own answers, means you are in a danger zone, some examiners like to cut short, they don't give the time to explain and you end up getting 6.5

Writing: There are many contributing factors for writing section, they vary individually, In-fact this whole thread is about it.
> I was out of practice, wrote nothing substantial by hand in last 10 years.
> My grammar was always weak, still struggling, blame the teachers I have got till 10th standard.
> I think alot before writing a line or sentence, a quest to make it perfect, never got the time to review my essay, even once.
> tendency to digress, said something, then started explaining it, which went south, failed badly in task achievement, wrote irrelevant stuff entirely.
> spelling mistakes, blame my computer for that.

To improve it.
> made myself known to their assessing criteria, mainly Task achievement.
> learned to write longer sentences, complex and compound, a content rich sentences with more meat.
> most Important - write essay under 30 minutes, letter 15 minutes, count words, review it, check articles -spell errors. etc.


well If you are new here, start reading this thread from first post, most of us are making same mistakes and getting same 6.5 bands.


some other thoughts ::

Now some of you heard that - IELTS is a scam, yes surely it is, I have no doubt in this statement.

but this should not deter you from improving yourself, you have to admit/own your mistakes, then improve them all.

is this entirely an English language test ?
nope it is not, they test your IQ and EQ too, your psychology plays great role in this test.
prepare well, trust yourself, be calm, think that you can always come and take this test again, have the budget and mental toughness to go through it, It is a high wall if others can climb it you can do it too.

Consider yourself lucky, if you got 8777 in first attempt, or even in first 3 attempts.

Best of luck to everyone involved in this thread or even reading as a guest,

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Congrats. I got the same results on the first attempt. I am very happy that I didn't have to give any more money and time to this scam.

In the writing section, I remember I wrote too much for the letter; more than 250 words because I started a story that I couldn't finish quickly.
This has cost me dearly in the essay and I couldn't check my mistakes. At that point, I was rushing to get to 250 words and I barely finished the essay.

For the speaking section, I couldn't hit the 2 minutes. Also, the 3rd part, I couldn't come up with good arguments.

Considering all these mistakes I have made, I think I should be happy with the 7's.

 

[baxa1981]

Hi Friends,

Trying my first essay in this forum. Could someone please help with a review?
------------------
In some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
------------------------------------------------------

High-end professionals who earn twice the threshold of standard wage bar are often considered as assets for a growing country. Some people insists that these highly salaried individuals can always help with their country’s growth, while the other side believes that there should be a governance in place in their remuneration. They argue that the government should set a limit for the maximum amount of salary one can earn irrespective of their sectors and I completely agree with that.

Some people insist. Some people .. while the other side. I am not sure if it needs to be parallel to be consistent such as one side, the other side. some people, others. Other than that, it's really well written.

One of the main sources of income for the government is the tax money. The more you earn, the more you need to pay back to the government. The wages paid to senior leadership such as CEO or CTO of any organization is almost 200 times higher than the salary paid to a junior employee. The taxes paid by these creamy layer of executives, are eventually used for the country’s own development, but indeed with an asterisk. For example, in countries like US and Canada, approximately 30% of the total salary is paid back to the government for free education, free health benefits and better infrastructure.

the US, always with an article. Maybe need to change "free" to something more appropriate?

However, it is also true that this segment is bringing in the unsolicited social inequality. One can clearly view this as a social disaster from ten thousand feet above. While one set of people in the country is earning multi-folded package, the other end of the chain is struggling hard for their daily bread and milk. This difference in economy, can open up the gate for several crimes and civilian imbalances. If it can happen, it will happen. The recent gunshot happened in North Virginia on Sep 20th in a local bakery, is an example as the criminal was demonstrating his anger towards the society due to his poverty. The only solution for fixing this problem is to enforce a limit to the maximum amount of wages one can earn in any given industry and treat everybody equal. Government should not be cutting corners for any reasons.

To conclude, there is no doubt that extremely high salaried professionals are real assets for the country, but it is also important to set a maximum cap for the money one can earn in the form of a salary that can nip several mishaps at its bud itself . This will also help the government to reinstate and carve in stone that – everybody is equal.

I don't see any issues with the last two paragraphs.

 

[manuce]

check ielts-mentor site for many samples for TASK 1 and Taks 2

Also see this video this if you follow his 6 steps you can score high. He gives Ielts just prove that he is good he native and couldn't score above 7 or 7.5 and then he found out the main reason. Check out his videos.

Its about right grammer , compound sentence + complex sentence and you can score higher.

 

[manuce]

3 step introduction:

 

[cansha]

Hi Friends,

Trying my first essay in this forum. Could someone please help with a review?
------------------
In some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
------------------------------------------------------

High-end professionals (not sure of this phrase. reads very awkward)
who earn twice the threshold of standard wage bar are often considered as assets for a growing country. By whom?
Some people insists that these highly salaried individuals can always help with their country’s growth, while the other side believes that there should be a governance in place in for their remuneration.
They argue that the government should set a limit for the maximum amount of salary one can earn irrespective of their sectors and I completely agree with that.

I would probably rephrase the last line. Also, the beginning of the last line and the second half of previous line are almost same but written in different words. If you are writing one more line better to give glimpse of your ideas and state your opinion. My suggestion is bring the phrase " I completely agree' at the beginning of the sentence. It is not wrong per se the way you have written, but it reads a bit awkward.

Overall the intro is somewhere in between. It's not bad at all but it's also not jumping at the reader with any new information. Your introduction can help reader to understand what is coming ahead and also make him feel curious about it. So let the reader know you support regulation as a means of tackling the problem of social inequality. Now it is more interesting for me as a reader.

One more thing ... I always think the essays with discuss both views and give your opinion are a bit tough. I generally advocate only two body paragraphs but I think in an essay topic like this probably it is better to write three body paragraphs. Intro, BP1 View 1, BP2 View 2, BP3 Your opinion, Conclusion.

One of the main sources of income for the government is the tax money. The more you earn, the more you need to pay back to the government. The wages paid to senior leadership such as CEO or CTO of any organization is almost 200 times higher than the salary paid to a junior employee. The taxes paid by these creamy layer of executives, are eventually used for the country’s own development, but indeed with an asterisk. I don't know what you mean here. For example, in countries like the US and Canada, approximately 30% of the total salary is paid back to the government for free education, free health benefits and better infrastructure.

Okay so the good things. Clearly you have very good English. There are no obvious grammatical errors. And overall you have followed the structure of a good body paragraph. Idea, Support and example. So far so good.

The bad rather not so good .. I think you can write much better with much more concise points. I can clearly see that but it's just not there. I hope I will see even better essay than this one. Don't get me wrong. This is good! But I still feel you have not reached your peak yet.

However, it is also true that this segment is bringing in the unsolicited social inequality. So I like and dislike this sentence at the same time. Clearly, you are trying to use cohesive devices here. And the move from BP1 to BP2 is smooth. However, I think you have used this segment for CEO / CTO group. I'm afraid that association is not as clean / clear as you wanted it to be. It took me a while to get there. I understood it. Not sure how it will go in an actual exam.
One can clearly view this as a social disaster from ten thousand feet above. I don't like such sentences. It's just fluff.

While one set of people in the country is are earning multi-folded package, the other end of the chain is struggling hard for their daily bread and milk.

This difference in economy need a better word here, can open up the gate for several crimes and civilian imbalances. If it can happen, it will happen.

The recent gunshot happened in North Virginia on Sep 20th in a local bakery, is an example as the criminal was demonstrating his anger towards the society due to his poverty. The only solution for fixing this problem is to enforce a limit to the maximum amount of wages one can earn in any given industry and treat everybody equal. How ? Government should not be cutting corners for any reasons. What does this even mean?

So I understand overall purpose of this paragraph. But it is messy. The message could have been much better communicated.

And secondly, as I said above you needed three paragraphs here. It may seem like you have addressed the task but for me you have left a little bit in task response. Do not leave it to chance.

To conclude, there is no doubt that extremely high salaried professionals are real assets for the country, but it is also important to set a maximum cap for the money one can earn in the form of a salary that can nip several mishaps at its bud itself . Seriously how? Communist countries don't have crimes?
This will also help the government to reinstate and carve in stone that – everybody is equal.

I don't like the conclusion. There is no question of equality here. You know why? Because even if you cap the wages the CEO won't make the same money as the factory worker so that is not even the question asked.

Your essay started with a lot of potential but to be honest it did fizzle out in the end. But there are a lot of positives. I don't see any issues in your English or Grammar so that part is set. I think spend some more time reading essays and even more time writing down your ideas and then try and structure them. All the best!

 

[cansha]

thanks for highlighting the keywords, Its great when you know what the hell you are doing.

Let's be brutal now.....

read this Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

it says

intro
discuss 1
discuss 2
your opinion
conclusion

logical progression, avoid your opinion in both views essay in introduction,

your vocab, word usage, they way of delivery, sentence structure is good.


First, I had to stop my music to read it. It means its messy.
your shit successfully hits the fan and now its all over. congratulations.







Next time target the toilet, not the fan.


What has happened here ?
why are you writing like this ?
Words glued together without making much sense.

6.5 for sure.

Ooh ... This one was harsh and brutal! Are you trying to scare off people? Although, I agree with most of the things you pointed out but seems like the essay caught you at the wrong moment! I know for sure your intentions are good. But, don't scare people off in their first essay man. We can't help if people don't post again. Hope he posts another essay after this one.