IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Milan Desai]

@cansha can you evaluate this essay:

Question: Many sports players advertised sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

In the contemporary era, advertising has become a crucial aspect of every business. Many prominent sport athletes promote various sport-related products. There are a couple of benefits of this phenomenon such as increase of sale and children involving in an active lifestyle, however, there are few drawbacks associate with this way of publishing products.

To embark, one of the most important benefit of using sports person in an advertisement for the product is, it will increase its volume in public. Many people purchase products that are endorsed by their favorite sports athletes, which helps to increase sales, thereby generating a large volume of sales. For instance, MRF is endorsed by famous Indian personality, Sachin Tendulkar, which has assist the company to increase its sale of product by 25% annually. Players in international sports have a huge fan following, hence, they can be used not only as an ambassador for the firm but also as a source of marketing. Therefore, the products will reach every citizen very fast and increase the business outcomes.

Furthermore, another advantage of brands getting endorsed by well-known sportspeople is it encourage children to indulge in an active lifestyle. Sports star normally promote products by playing their sports or showcasing their skills, which influence children to imitate or learn the same skills by playing the desired games, therefore, avoiding a sedentary lifestyle and adopt an active life.

On the other hand, one problem that can associate by famous sports star advertising sports-related products is it put pressure on parents. Children force their guardians to purchase the desired products by watching their favorite stars endorsing the same. To illustrate this, the majority of Indian parents complained that they need to spend 10% of their unplanned expenses on sports-related products in order to satisfy their children’s demand.

To recapitulate, brands getting publicized by popular sports personalities can result in benefits such as good sale volume for company and active lifestyle for youth in society, but it put forceful pressure on parents to buy the desired products.

 

[velocityblood]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th please evaluate.

Some think that only those people who have worked for a company for many years should be promoted to a higher position. Do you agree?

There is an opinion that primarily staff members who have dedicated many years to working for a particular company should be given executive positions in a company. I disagree with this viewpoint in as much as younger workers may have more skills and if not provided with an opportunity for a promotion, they will become demotivated.

Although senior employees have proved to be reliable and loyal, more often than not, it is novices who have a wider cluster of actual skills. This is because young specialists exert their full effort in mastering their hard and soft skills in order to meet the requirements of today’s highly competitive job market. Therefore, having been promoted, such workers may bring innovation and help to better incorporate the latest technological advances into business processes, which is irreplaceable for every company to flourish. For example, the average age of a new hire at Facebook is only 23, for this very purpose.

Yet another reason why less experienced staff members should have even chances for a promotion is that otherwise they will not be motivated to do their best. Knowing that however hard they try, they still will not be given a higher position in a company, young employees are likely to grow reluctant to go the extra mile, which may negatively affect a company’s revenue and curb its development. To illustrate, a prominent IT entrepreneur Pavel Durov had to leave his first workplace since despite his outstanding abilities, he was not rewarded with a leading role.

As a result, he has successfully set up his own business, while his employer lost his company due to a lack of highly qualified workers. To sum up, even though individuals who have worked fewer years for a particular company might be less trustworthy, they should be equally promoted as they have up-to-date knowledge and skill sets. Besides that, this will encourage them to apply their abilities to the fullest, thus contributing to the prosperity of a company.

 

[Milan Desai]

Dear @cansha can you evaluate my essay: it will be really beneficial to get inputs on my flaws and mistake.
Thank you in advance.

Question: Government and big companies should work together to reverse environmental damage, rather than expecting individuals to take responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and relevant examples.

It is commonly believed that authorities and giant organizations should work together to resolve the climate issues, however many think that it is solely the responsibility of the common man to take care of such global issues. I do not quite agree with this view. In my viewpoint, everyone has responsibility to contribute a bit to reverse environmental damages. Of course, government and wealthy organizations have a major role to play but individuals have a responsibility in minimizing global environment hazard.

To embark with, authorities can play a pivotal role in solving environmental issues by enacting strict laws and heavy penalties to prevent deforestation and illegal mining. For instance, illegal sand mining has destroyed the majority of rivers in India. Hence, strict policies and heavy fines are needed to prevent this practice. Likewise, the cleaning of forest land for building industries and residential space should be stopped with stringent laws. Only higher authorities can take such effective measures.

Furthermore, Giant industries are the biggest polluters hence they have a greater role to play to reverse at least some of damages cause by them. As big brands are getting wealthier by selling their products in the market with the support of people, therefore they must benefit the society by starting initiatives like cleaning environment dirt to make survival better for tomorrow. Manufacturing companies must ensure that the waste material do not get dumped untreated in into water bodies.

Additionally, individuals can also play significant role in minimizing global environmental hazard. We must resist the temptation to buy products we do not need. We need to realize that our use and throw culture is causing great deal of damages to the planet. We can do this by adopting responsible consumerism. Likewise, another way to solve this issues is by not using enormous amount of plastic in daily life, which is hazardous pollutant of the soil. Instead of using this, individuals efforts could be taken into account opting got eco friendly substitutes. For example, people can use paper and cloth bags instead of plastic in supermarkets.

To conclude, global environment issues cannot be solved by any particular person or regime. Collective efforts of communities, governments and big companies are required to resolve damages caused to the environment.

 

[cansha]

@cansha can you evaluate this essay:

Question: Many sports players advertised sport-related products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

In the contemporary era, advertising has become a crucial aspect of every business. Many prominent sport athletes promote various sport-related products. There are a couple of benefits of this phenomenon such as increase of sale
and children involving in an active lifestyle, however, there are few drawbacks associate associated with this way of
publishing products. Not sure what does this even mean?

To embark, one of the most important benefit of using sports person in an advertisement for the product is, it will increase its volume in public. Many people purchase products that are endorsed by their favorite sports athletes, which helps to increase sales, thereby generating a large volume of sales. For instance, MRF is endorsed Is MRF a spots brand? You have killed your essay. Question is on endorsing sport-related products.
by famous Indian personality, Sachin Tendulkar, which has assist the company to increase its sale of product by 25% annually. Players in international sports have a huge fan following, hence, they can be used not only as an ambassador for the firm but also as a source of marketing. Therefore, the products will reach every citizen very fast and increase the business outcomes.

Furthermore, another advantage of brands getting endorsed by well-known sportspeople is it encourage encourages children to indulge in an active lifestyle. Sports star normally promote products by playing their sports or showcasing their skills, which influence children to imitate or learn the same skills by playing the desired games, therefore, avoiding a sedentary lifestyle and adopt an active life.

Just look at the number of times you have repeated this phrase in different forms highlighted in red.

On the other hand, one problem that can associate by famous sports star advertising sports-related products is it put pressure on parents. Children force their guardians to purchase the desired products by watching their favorite stars endorsing the same. To illustrate this, the majority of Indian parents complained that they need to spend 10% of their unplanned expenses on sports-related products in order to satisfy their children’s demand. The example sounds too filmsy

To recapitulate, brands getting publicized by popular sports personalities can result in benefits such as good sale volume for company and active lifestyle for youth in society, but it put forceful pressure on parents to buy the desired products.

This essay is at best okay. This would get stuck at 6.5 level. There are many issues in terms of sentence structure and grammar as well but unless you fix your task response those issues won't matter much.

Also, you write an essay without really waiting for a review or really applying the review in next essay. I don't think just writing a lot of essays is a good way of improving unless you put in effort to understand what you need to practice.

 

[cansha]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th please evaluate.

Some think that only those people who have worked for a company for many years should be promoted to a higher position. Do you agree?

There is an opinion that primarily staff members who have dedicated many years to working for a particular company should be given executive positions in a company. I disagree with this viewpoint in as much as younger workers may have more skills and if not provided with an opportunity for a promotion, they will become demotivated. Really poorly written.

Although senior employees have proved to be reliable and loyal, more often than not, it is novices who have a wider cluster of actual skills. This is because young specialists exert their full effort This habit of trying to find synonyms for every little thing kills an essay and I have mentioned many times to stop this. Now look at this in previous sentence you chose "Novice" for a new employee and then "Young Specialist" in next. A novice can't be a specialist. You have killed your essay.
in mastering their hard and soft skills in order to meet the requirements of today’s highly competitive job market. Therefore, having been promoted, such workers may bring innovation and help to better incorporate the latest technological advances into business processes, which is irreplaceable for every company to flourish. For example, the average age of a new hire at Facebook is only 23, for this very purpose. There is no real argument in this whole paragraph.

Yet another reason why less experienced staff members should have even chances for a promotion is that otherwise they will not be motivated to do their best. Knowing that however hard they try, they still will not be given a higher position in a company, young employees are likely to grow reluctant to go the extra mile, which may negatively affect a company’s revenue and curb its development. Okay this makes sense.
To illustrate, a prominent IT entrepreneur Pavel Durov had to leave his first workplace since despite his outstanding abilities, he was not rewarded with a leading role.As a result, he has successfully set up his own business, while his employer lost his company due to a lack of highly qualified workers.

To sum up, even though individuals who have worked fewer years for a particular company might be less trustworthy, They can't be trusted but should be promoted. You need to be careful how you write your arguments.
they should be equally promoted as they have up-to-date knowledge and skill sets. Besides that, this will encourage them to apply their abilities to the fullest, thus contributing to the prosperity of a company.

Overall, similar to previous attempts. One BP makes sense but rest of the essay is weak.

 

[cansha]

Dear @cansha can you evaluate my essay: it will be really beneficial to get inputs on my flaws and mistake.
Thank you in advance.

Question: Government and big companies should work together to reverse environmental damage, rather than expecting individuals to take responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and relevant examples.

It is commonly believed that authorities and giant organizations should work together to resolve the climate issues, however many think that it is solely the responsibility of the common man to take care of such global issues.
I do not quite agree with this view. This is wasting a line and length of essay.
In my viewpoint, everyone has responsibility to contribute a bit to reverse environmental damages. Of course, government and wealthy organizations have a major role to play but individuals have a responsibility in minimizing global environment hazard. So you have written a long sentence but have given no real arguments for it. So again waste of a line which will fetch no points towards task response.

To embark with, authorities can play a pivotal role in solving environmental issues by enacting strict laws and heavy penalties to prevent deforestation and illegal mining. Before example write a sentence in explaining how strict laws will benefit. Do not assume that it is obvious. For instance, illegal sand mining has destroyed the majority of rivers in India. Hence, strict policies and heavy fines are needed to prevent this practice. Likewise, the cleaning of forest land for building industries and residential space should be stopped with stringent laws. Only higher authorities can take such effective measures.

Furthermore, Giant Why is G capital? industries are the biggest polluters hence they have a greater role to play to reverse at least some of damages cause caused by them. As big brands are getting wealthier by selling their products in the market with the support of people, therefore they must benefit the society by starting initiatives like cleaning environment dirt What does environment dirt even mean? to make survival better for tomorrow. Manufacturing companies must ensure that the waste material do not get dumped untreated in into water bodies.Again no real argument in what they need to do.

Additionally, individuals can also play significant role in minimizing global environmental hazard. We must resist the temptation to buy products we do not need. We need to realize that our use and throw culture is causing great deal of damages to the planet. We can do this by adopting responsible consumerism. Likewise, another way to solve this issues is by not using enormous amount of plastic in daily life, which is hazardous pollutant of the soil. Instead of using this, individuals efforts could be taken into account opting got eco friendly substitutes. For example, people can use paper and cloth bags instead of plastic in supermarkets. This is how you should be writing your essays. This para is well written.

To conclude, global environment issues cannot be solved by any particular person or regime. Collective efforts of communities, governments and big companies are required to resolve damages caused to the environment.
Revisit main points again in your conclusion

One BP is good but overall rest of the essay is not well written and is weak.

 

[Milan Desai]

@cansha thanks a lot and I knew I am not good with grammar and I always feel there is room for improvement. I am just trying to rectify those. One more reason for asking your help is that I can't afford the services from IELTs examiners. Previously I was struck at 6 and this time I want to improve on my score for writing. Sorry for spamming you like that. Again really appreciate your efforts to help others and achieve life goals.

 

[velocityblood]

There is an opinion that primarily staff members who have dedicated many years to working for a particular company should be given executive positions in a company. I disagree with this viewpoint in as much as younger workers may have more skills and if not provided with an opportunity for a promotion, they will become demotivated. Really poorly written.

Although senior employees have proved to be reliable and loyal, more often than not, it is novices who have a wider cluster of actual skills. This is because young specialists exert their full effort This habit of trying to find synonyms for every little thing kills an essay and I have mentioned many times to stop this. Now look at this in previous sentence you chose "Novice" for a new employee and then "Young Specialist" in next. A novice can't be a specialist. You have killed your essay.
in mastering their hard and soft skills in order to meet the requirements of today’s highly competitive job market. Therefore, having been promoted, such workers may bring innovation and help to better incorporate the latest technological advances into business processes, which is irreplaceable for every company to flourish. For example, the average age of a new hire at Facebook is only 23, for this very purpose. There is no real argument in this whole paragraph.

Yet another reason why less experienced staff members should have even chances for a promotion is that otherwise they will not be motivated to do their best. Knowing that however hard they try, they still will not be given a higher position in a company, young employees are likely to grow reluctant to go the extra mile, which may negatively affect a company’s revenue and curb its development. Okay this makes sense.
To illustrate, a prominent IT entrepreneur Pavel Durov had to leave his first workplace since despite his outstanding abilities, he was not rewarded with a leading role.As a result, he has successfully set up his own business, while his employer lost his company due to a lack of highly qualified workers.

To sum up, even though individuals who have worked fewer years for a particular company might be less trustworthy, They can't be trusted but should be promoted. You need to be careful how you write your arguments.
they should be equally promoted as they have up-to-date knowledge and skill sets. Besides that, this will encourage them to apply their abilities to the fullest, thus contributing to the prosperity of a company.

Overall, similar to previous attempts. One BP makes sense but rest of the essay is weak.

Thanks for evaluation bro, to me it seems that one examiner to another there is a huge difference in how they look at essays. If Chris from the IELTS Advantage is to be believed this essay is an 8.5 band essay. Some of his student re-wrote this essay for showing it to the other students and he have done this video with her. Although, for anyone, its not possible to write everything same as they wrote in exam still she have manged to do this.

Similar thing is with my essays as well few guys who have cleared their IELTS rate the essay 7.5 few say it max 6.5 band. However I scored only 6 in writing due to various reasons, like I wrote for brother-in-law in the letter where question was to write for brother, three spelling mistakes, missed to write example in BP1, gave example in BP2 may be other unknown reasons as well. Completely puzzled, what exactly is the demand. God only can help with this.

 

[cansha]

Thanks for evaluation bro, to me it seems that one examiner to another there is a huge difference in how they look at essays. If Chris from the IELTS Advantage is to be believed this essay is an 8.5 band essay. Some of his student re-wrote this essay for showing it to the other students and he have done this video with her. Although, for anyone, its not possible to write everything same as they wrote in exam still she have manged to do this.

Similar thing is with my essays as well few guys who have cleared their IELTS rate the essay 7.5 few say it max 6.5 band. However I scored only 6 in writing due to various reasons, like I wrote for brother-in-law in the letter where question was to write for brother, three spelling mistakes, missed to write example in BP1, gave example in BP2 may be other unknown reasons as well. Completely puzzled, what exactly is the demand. God only can help with

You're correct things may vary from one examiner to another and yes essays are subjective.

I don't know Chris and I have never followed his videos or blogs but if he thinks that essay exactly is 8.5 bands than I'm sorry that is extremely difficult for me to believe. As I said BP2 was good and made sense but BP1 was way off. I can understand if someone said that essay is worth 7 or 7.5 I can still believe it but if someone says that's 8.5 then I would say they are being delusional.
The thing is in recent times many people have observed that IELTS examiners tend to give a lesser score in writing then one would have imagined and hence to get a 7 on real exam you need to probably write a band 7.5 essay or be lucky to get a 7 on reval after getting a 6.5.

I don't think it is difficult to understand what they want. I think the biggest issue is people need a 7 but in their mind they are trying to get a 8/9 score. And hence tend to follow too many rules being propagated by tutors like writing multiple synonyms of words whether it makes sense or not, trying to complicate sentence to a point where it makes no sense at all.

I've said this before most essays here are not bad essays because the English is bad. They are bad because the logic and argument are bad. They lack in content and they would be bad essays in any language.

The only thing that is quirky is the way IELTS expects you to write introduction. I would never write introduction the way I write for IELTS if I have to write the same essay in school / college. Other than that my advice is and has always been to focus on task response. But sadly I have never seen anyone actually making an effort in doing so. I have never seen people writing an outline of essay and then explaining how they built upon it. I tried explaining multiple times and I had to give up because I spend too much time and unlike other reviewers I don't get paid for reviewing essays.

 

[cansha]

Thanks for evaluation bro, to me it seems that one examiner to another there is a huge difference in how they look at essays. If Chris from the IELTS Advantage is to be believed this essay is an 8.5 band essay. Some of his student re-wrote this essay for showing it to the other students and he have done this video with her. Although, for anyone, its not possible to write everything same as they wrote in exam still she have manged to do this.

Similar thing is with my essays as well few guys who have cleared their IELTS rate the essay 7.5 few say it max 6.5 band. However I scored only 6 in writing due to various reasons, like I wrote for brother-in-law in the letter where question was to write for brother, three spelling mistakes, missed to write example in BP1, gave example in BP2 may be other unknown reasons as well. Completely puzzled, what exactly is the demand. God only can help with this.

And lastly I don't know why you would copy a whole essay to get my review. If you trust other reviews more that is fine by me but copying a whole essay to get my review is waste of my time and hence I would not review any of your future essays. I would rather spend my time reviewing essays of people who actually need it. All the best!

 

[velocityblood]

And lastly I don't know why you would copy a whole essay to get my review. If you trust other reviews more that is fine by me but copying a whole essay to get my review is waste of my time and hence I would not review any of your future essays. I would rather spend my time reviewing essays of people who actually need it. All the best!

@cansha I can not force you to evaluate my essays as you have been doing it voluntarily. I did that just because I have followed the methods by Chris and wanted to know if an essay appreciated by him is really what he thinks of it.

 

[velocityblood]

And lastly I don't know why you would copy a whole essay to get my review. If you trust other reviews more that is fine by me but copying a whole essay to get my review is waste of my time and hence I would not review any of your future essays. I would rather spend my time reviewing essays of people who actually need it. All the best!

Sorry, I forgot to mention that this student got band 8.5 in writing in real IELTS exam for same essay.

 

[Hassan386]

In many countries, law & order breakers are punishable by prison, some people argue that not all type of offenders are the same and it is appropriate that they should do volunteer community works instead. I agree with this narrative, as prison may not be the best solution and community service would be better instead.

To begin with, it is often perceived that if somebody breaks the law, it is a danger for society, so it is safe to keep them away from the outside world. In the case of violent crime, it is better to put the criminal behind the bars. However, if someone commits crime related to burglary or drugs trafficking, which do not have the direct danger to society.Are you kidding? Burglary and drug trafficking does not have impact on society?
Keeping these types of criminals in jails is expensive for taxpayers and does not appear to be effective, as they may commit the crime when they come out. For instance, the study conducted by the Law Enforcement Agency of Pakistan, showed that 50 percent of the criminals commit the same crime again when they get out of prison.

Moreover, if society imprisoned such type of criminals behind the bars, there is a chance that they may mix with other dangerous criminals and may commit a worse crime when they come out. Thus, it should be better to make them a part of society, so that they can learn good skills and can develop more empathy and care towards the other members of the community.

In conclusion, putting criminals who are not dangerous to the community in prison is expensive and, in my opinion, ineffective. However, making them a part of society can be beneficial for both the offender and society.

I don't need to read rest of the essay. there is no way this will get a 7+ score.

@cansha
Thanks for your review. I want to learn from my mistakes. can you please help me in identifying my mistakes, and how can i achieve band 7+ score. Please guide me.

 

[Vyn]

Topic.
Today's teenagers have more stressful lives than previous generations.
Discuss your views.

Essay.
At present, increased percentage of teenagers were emotionally unhealthy compare to previous generations. It could be because of the massive development we have in various aspect we experience nowadays in contrast to a simple quiet life of the previous young adults.

To further reiterate, decades ago, teenagers aim for simple life and not as yet materialistic. It was easier for the young adults to find employment even if not academically successful. The priority of the teenagers were simple, and that is to earn money to provide food for the family. It does not matter what kind of employment they have or if have earn a degree or not. There were increased percentage of job opportunities available; hence teenagers' mental health were not at risk. Furthermore, family ties were intact. There were no advance machineries at that time and family members took care of each other and help accomplish family chores. There were strong bonding amongst the family.

In comparison to the recent generation, because of the improvement and development across the globe, people have higher expectations in life. Nowadays, society defines success as having luxurious life. Young adults finds it challenging to catch up to societal standard. To add on more, in some countries, when a child reached 18 years old there are encouraged to live independently. The world is getting busy as well as the parents. Career-oriented parents, more often than not, have limited time to bond with their children, at times, not having meaningful time with them at all. Young adults were feeling alone and stressed in a variety of settings and situations, and there were no one to turn to. Moreover, majority of the companies hire candidates with sound educational background, in which, with the current generation some finds it difficult to attain due to the financial constraint.

To recapitulate, teenagers are highly stressed nowadays compare to young adults ages ago. In my own perspective, I strongly agree that teenagers of the present time are more emotionally distress and should spend increased time to improve mental health by meeting friends or involve self to any community activity that advocate for meaningful changes in the society.

 

[Vyn]

Dear Cansha, kindly evaluate one of my work to roughly now what my skills currently at..thank you so much.