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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

Discussion in 'IELTS - CELPIP - TEF - TCF - Language Testing' started by H0peAndFa1th, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. Thanks for the critique!
     
    cansha likes this.
  2. @cansha another attempt,
    Thanks in advance.

    Question: the government’s investment in arts programs is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public health services instead. To what extend do you agree with this statement.

    It is commonly believed that the regime should finance public services rather than investing in fields such as arts, music, and plays. Although I agreed that spending on healthcare is important but I do not think spending on the arts is a waste of money.

    To begin with, there are several reasons for allocating a significant amount of government budget on public services. First and foremost, public services such as hospitals and schools are things which determines what quality of life, most of us will have. To illustrate, if proper funds are not allocated for schools, our children may not get proper education and similarly if they do not established good healthcare systems in the country, the health of society may declines. Besides this, poverty-stricken people, will be affected severely as they cannot afford the healthcare services provided by private hospitals and institutes. Consequently, they are more dependent on basic services provided by state and the central government.

    In spite of this, arts and dramas should not be neglected at the cost of basic healthcare. Firstly, it is really difficult for many arts institute to generate profits to run business successfully, so without some help from the administration in the form of grants, many theatres and other such places may have to close forever. Furthermore, many people get pleasure in going to see music and theater performances to unwind their stress and work pressure, so it is really pivotal for the government to assist such art theaters so they can continue providing entertainment to the public.

    To conclude, there are clear advantages of large amount of investment goes into public services as this influence the quality of life for everyone, however, I do not think that allocating funds to the arts is a waste of resources as this to provide important benefits such as entertainment.
     

  3. People often get in dilemma to decide what should be given to teenager as gifts. Some think that money is the perfect gift for them while others oppose it. In my opinion, teenagers should receive productive gifts like calculators, books or toys than money. In this essay, we will discuss why money should not be given to teenagers as gifts.Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

    On the one hand, People argue that money is the best gift for teenagers because the main reason is that Find a way to come to point as soon as possible. This line is adding no value to your essay or your points.
    it’s Mistakes like these make me wonder if you have researched enough on what is expected on task 2. Almost every website and teacher out there will tell you not to use contractions in task 2 difficult to buy something as teenagers have different likings. This situation makes it difficult for adults to decide on a gift. Hence, they decide to give money as a gift. At the same time, it frees an adult from purchasing things. They think that by giving them money a teenager can purchase anything according to his/her need rather than the gifted items they never use. According to a recent survey by Indian market research, 26% of teenagers received unwanted gifts on various occasions that they didn’t end up liking or using.There is actually no real content here.

    On the other hand, I believe money should not be offered as a present for teenagers.
    The main reason is again wasted words. You already gave your opinion in intro. It is repetitive.
    they don’t have the maturity to spend the money in the right manner. They Might probably spend that money on gambling or drugs or they could waste that money on buying useless things that are not actually needed. Thus, giving money to teenagers potentially may not be beneficial. Anyhow, parents provide their children with pocket money to spend. In this way, teenagers would not get involved in any wrongdoings due to dearth of cash as a gift. Where is logic for your argument that gift them books or calculators. Here you are talking about crime, gambling and drugs. That is how you lose points on C&C.

    To conclude, I would say that young people do not Possess the maturity to spend money in the right way. Hence, they should be provided with gifts that they can use in everyday life or at least that has a use in the long run. Money can be given to them by their progenitor.

    One word review for this effort is "Sloppy". There are many contractions used and there are words capitalized without any reason. These are basic errors. And I know whenever I point this out I get a reason saying it happened because I was typing here. Well may be that is the case but if you are sloppy in practice, most likely that would have an impact on exam day.

    Now to main issue. The essay lacks the most important ingredient - Task Response. I'm sorry this one is far from a 7+ score.

     
  4. thanks for the detailed feedback. I'll definitely improve
     
    cansha likes this.
  5. Hi @cansha,
    This is my first attempt and will aprreciate your valuable comments.

    Question: Nowadays, international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, international tourism creates tension rather than understanding between people from different cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

    With the globalisation, international tourism will inevitably increase with many people claiming that it increases conflicts between people from the different regions. In my opinion, this apprehension is unwarranted and should not be considered.

    There are a myraid of arguments in favour of my stance. Not only the tourists will help in economic development of a state, but they will also alleviate the unemployment rates of a nation. For instance, with the influx of foreign tourist the demand for local products and services will increase and consequently, the economy will rise. In addition to this, the growing economy will create more jobs for the local people and the unemployment rate will decrease eventually. There are many countries such as Dubai, Thailand, India, etc, are focusing more on the toursim industry as it is one of the major sources of the nation's income. Hence, the tourism helps in overall development of a nation to a great extent.

    Another pivotal aspect is that tourism helps people to understand and observe the different cultures. People from the different ethnicity and cultures come togather and learn about the differences in human traditions and values. Consequently, people are able to abridge the differences among them which promotes the harmony and peace in communities .Moreover, many countries use tourism as a tool to resolve conflicts between them and initiate the bilateral talks to address them.

    From the above-mentioned arguments, one can conclude that international tourism plays a significant role in bringing people togather and resolving the conflicts. Hence, the benefits of international tourism for the global peace and unity are too great to ignore.
     
  6. #2526 yoloraw, Nov 20, 2019 at 6:30 AM
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2019
    Hi @cansha, please review and guide; thanks

    "Prevention is better than cure". Researching and treating diseases is too costly so it would be better to invest in preventative measures.

    To what extent do you agree?


    It is often believed that researching and treating diseases is too expensive so it is wise to invest in preventative measures. I strongly disagree that only investing in preventative measures is optimal. However, it will be beneficial to spend money in research to save money for expensive treatments, and overcoming serious global healthcare issues where a specific disease is spread on the larger scale.


    To begin with, thoroughly investigating diseases is more likely to save money and time while treating chronic diseases where treatment costs are generally higher. In other words, cost of treating any disease depends upon available medicines and procedures. However, if there is no treatment available there will be higher medical bills for people because of multiple treatments in the wrong direction. Nowadays, for instance, people who are suffering from HIVs have proper access to extensive range of cheap medicines which, on the other hand, was impossible if people had not invested in research.


    Another reason of spending money in research and treating diseases is to excel well in the medical field. Where finding a cure means an advancement in healthcare. Therefore, we are fixing our common health related issues. For instance, people all over the world have successfully reduced the cases of Polio and Malaria. Due to these severe diseases number of people had got killed in the last few decades. Only because of researching the in-depth root cause of these issues opens up new opportunities to reduce or completely vanish these problems. Hence, this money invested for a good cause will surely be beneficial on the longer run.


    Finally, at any point, diseases can spread widely among people, leaving many of them sick. In such scenarios, it is impossible to take care of each and every one. However, if we have a treatment for that specific disease. It is easier to overcome such global issues without further wasting money in the wrong treatment. For example, in the past, Dengue had been widely spread in the North India due to rainy season, but only because doctors had injections to boost the immunity, and ways to increase platelets count, they managed to save thousands of lives with ease and economically.


    In conclusion, benefits earned by spending money in research and treating chronic diseases immensely advantageous for the people and society as a whole.
     
  7. Dear families,

    Please evaluate my writing:

    Question: some parents think children should have a mobile phone, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

    Although some guardians believed that it is good if kids own cell phones, however, others think that it is of no use. I completely agreed with the notion that smartphone are not better for juvenile as it affects their education and health.

    On the one hand, many children are provided with a mobile phone in order to keep in touch with their parents when they are out home. They can be in contact at any time or in any place. In other words, since these days in most of families both the parents are working, giving a cell phone to children aid them not only keep an update about their adolescents; but also, keep them informed during an emergency. For instance, the majority of working couples believed that certain application in smartphone assist them to keep a track on their children’s routine activities and traveling routes.

    On the other hand, the most valid reason for dismissing the use of mobile phone by children is that they end up wasting their precious time. To be precise, cell phone these days are equipped with vivid application such as WhatsApp and Facebook, thereby, using it for socializing and playing games, which divert their attention from studies. Furthermore, Digital phones can be a major distraction. Youngsters spend most of the time surfing on the internet instead of doing outdoor physical activities. Consequently, excessive usage of mobile phones leads to health issues such as depression and sleep disorders.

    In conclusion, smartphones are indeed useful in contacting families and friends, however, I opine that mobile phone brings more harm to youngsters in the form of addiction and deteriorating health conditions owing to excessive usage.
     
  8. General request if possible pick titles from IELTS Cambridge books 1-14. Some online titles don't make sense or are not worded like the one in IELTS tests.
     
    AUSSIEMATE, Milan Desai and SR_T like this.
  9. Another attempt: please evaluate :)
    Thanks in advance.

    Question: some people think that schools select student according to their academic abilities. Others believe that it is better to have student with different abilities studying together. Discuss both views and give you own opinions

    It is considered by many that it more beneficial to students’ development if student attend in the mixed ability school, however, some people contend that streaming students according to their educational abilities into separate school is utilizable to the education system. I believe that it would be more effective and efficient in terms of both teaching and learning while streaming of students implemented.

    On the one hand, it is evident that student learning with various abilities together are likely to achieve positive outcomes in all-round abilities. Mixed abilities classes offer student opportunities to learn from each other, thus, to develops abilities that were absent from them previously. For instance, a sophomore with an excellent academic ability can learn how to dance or paint from peers who are less academic but rather artistic. Consequently, mixed classes encourage students to develops their multi-dimensional abilities rather than single educational ability.

    On the other hand, steaming students accordingly to their academic abilities generate more benefits to teachers and students. As to teacher, it is more convenient to discover suitable teaching methodologies to accommodate a group of students with similar abilities. Thus, streaming students makes it much easier for teachers to control their students more conveniently and easily. Furthermore, streaming enable students to learn in an effective way. According to students’ different abilities, they are taught in different ways that are more suitable to for them. To illustrate this, teachers explain the study material more slowly to those in bottom streams as compared to top streams.

    To conclude, mixed ability classes are beneficial for students’ versatile development, but in my view point, segregating students based on different academic abilities is better for both teacher and students.
     
  10. Can some please critique the following essay?

    Question:
    Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.

    What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

    Response (258 words):

    With the busy lives of today, toys are a great way, for parents, to indulge children in fun activities and keep them busy. Although most kids love playing with toys, having an abundance of toys can often be distracting for children and they may fail to learn the importance of taking care of their possessions.

    Toys come in many forms, some are fun games while others are educational tools. Parents, with busy schedules, often like to provide a large number of toys to their kids, to keep them occupied and engaged in activities. Toys, such as Lego blocks, are a great tool for kids to enhance their creativity and in addition there are other educational toys that children use to learn languages, numbers and colours among other skills.

    While growing up, it is vital to learn to take care of your belongings and understand the importance of earning things in life. Children who obtain toys as gifts for accomplishing tasks learn the importance of hard-work, and also people, including small children, are more likely to take care of their possessions if they had to accomplish something to acquire it. In addition, toys can be very addictive and distracting leading to poor academic performance.

    Children have a very strong attraction to toys, this can aid parent’s in keeping their kids engaged and allowing their creativity to flow through. Toys can also, on the other hand, be a big distraction to children and an abundance of them can result in children not learning how to earn or maintain their possessions.
     
  11. @cansha @SR_T please look at this essay:

    Question: cultures and traditions change from generation to generation. Why does this happen? What can be done to change it.

    It is commonly believed that cultures and traditions have been changing with every generation. However, a numbers of reasons can be attributes to this continuous evolution. Some of them include living in a nuclear family and career oriented mindset of recent generations. This trend can be tackle by appropriate measures from the authorities and schools.

    To begin with, the main reason behind this trend is that people these days do not want to live in joint families with elder people rather than getting converted into nuclear families. In other word, grandparents are the one who can inculcate the right beliefs and customs to their grandchildren because the current generation might not know the importance of family values are all about. Therefore, children do not get opportunity to learn about old traditions and cultures from their grandparents. For instance, the young generation these days rarely find time to visit their grandparents and neighbors at festivals. They totally depend on phone to convey the wishes rather than personally paying a visit. Furthermore, as families become nuclear and parents focus more on their career they have very little time to transfer their cultures and traditions to their children. Children learn from the actions of their parents and hence end up acting in the same way with their children as their parents did with them.

    To address the situation, people should be made aware of the benefits of staying in a joint family. This can be achieved through NGOs and government agencies staging various seminars and roadshows to highlight the advantages. Government should introduce new tax reliefs from people who prefer to stay in a joint family. Besides this, schools should focus on activities around cultures and traditions that require greater involvement from parents. This force parents to contribute to the task and eventually end up passing down their customs and traditions. To illustrate this, the majority of schools in India organized various festivals on tradition themes such as Kite festival and Holi celebrations with their parents.

    To conclude, to ensure safe passage or passing cultures and traditions from generation to generation, the government and schools can play an active role in spreading awareness about the positives of staying in a joint family and facilitate conversation between parents and children through various activities.
     
  12. I've found this website pretty useful: writing.com

    I succeeded getting band 7.0 in the 3rd attempt (Oct. 19th 2019), but sadly listening was quite challenging that day so I got a 7.5.
    The 4th attempt, last Nov. 9th, I got a 9 in listening but the writing was damn difficult for me to organize and write about the topic, so I scored a 6.5 in writing again... .

    I did a lot of research on the subject and came across that website, it helped me a lot to build confidence, last Thursday I sat this for the 5th time and got 7.0 in writing again, and a listening at 8.5!

    I'm picking up my results tomorrow and will update my profile ASAP to get them points and await for the ITA!
     
  13. With the globalisation, international tourism will inevitably increase Do you think this correct paraphrasing of topic sentence. Your sentence here says tourism will increase whereas topic says it is already the biggest industry in the world. Think about it.
    with many people claiming that it increases conflicts between people from the different regions. In my opinion, this apprehension is unwarranted and should not be considered.Why do you think so. Give a "glimpse" of your reasoning. See the issue with this line is that it would be true for any essay unless you make it unique by catering it to the essay in question. And hence any such lines are considered to be "learned" phrase and they would not give you any points for it.

    There are a myraid of arguments in favour of my stance. Not only the tourists will help in economic development of a state, but they will also alleviate the unemployment rates of a nation. For instance, with the influx of foreign tourist the demand for local products and services will increase and consequently, the economy will rise. In addition to this, the growing economy will create more jobs for the local people and the unemployment rate will decrease eventually. There are many countries such as Dubai, Thailand, India, etc, are focusing more on the toursim industry as it is one of the major sources of the nation's income. Hence, the tourism helps in overall development of a nation to a great extent. This whole para is out of context and doesn't address the topic in question.

    Another pivotal aspect is that tourism helps people to understand and observe the different cultures. People from the different ethnicity and cultures come togather and learn about the differences in human traditions and values. Consequently, people are able to abridge the differences among them which promotes the harmony and peace in communities .
    Moreover, many countries use tourism as a tool to resolve conflicts between them and initiate the bilateral talks to address them.Seriously? Where? Which countries.

    From the above-mentioned arguments, one can conclude that international tourism plays a significant role in bringing people togather and resolving the conflicts. Hence, the benefits of international tourism for the global peace and unity are too great to ignore.
    Weak conclusion

    I'm sorry but this essay at best is 6/6.5 range.
     
    AUSSIEMATE likes this.
  14. It is often believed that researching and treating diseases is too expensive so it is wise to invest in preventative measures. I strongly disagree that only investing in preventative measures is optimal. However, it will be beneficial to spend money in research to save money for expensive treatments, and overcoming serious global healthcare issues where a specific disease is spread on the larger scale. I really can't grasp the purpose and meaning of this sentence here.


    To begin with, thoroughly investigating diseases is more likely to save money and time while treating chronic diseases where treatment costs are generally higher. In other words, cost of treating any disease depends upon available medicines and procedures. However, if there is no treatment available there will be higher medical bills for people because of multiple treatments in the wrong direction. Nowadays, for instance, people who are suffering from HIVs have proper access to extensive range of cheap medicines which, on the other hand, was impossible if people had not invested in research.


    Another reason of spending money in research and treating diseases is to excel well in the medical field. Where finding a cure means an advancement in healthcare. Therefore, we are fixing our common health related issues. For instance, people all over the world have successfully reduced the cases of Polio and Malaria. Due to these severe diseases number of people had got killed in the last few decades. Only because of researching the in-depth root cause of these issues opens up new opportunities to reduce or completely vanish these problems. Hence, this money invested for a good cause will surely be beneficial on the longer run. Did we research in preventing polio or treating polio? Do you know polio can't be treated once someone gets impacted by it? All the research in polio went in to "preventing" it by vaccination. And now you have killed your whole essay and argument by picking a wrong example.


    Finally, at any point, diseases can spread widely among people, leaving many of them sick. In such scenarios, it is impossible to take care of each and every one. However, if we have a treatment for that specific disease. It is easier to overcome such global issues without further wasting money in the wrong treatment. For example, in the past, Dengue had been widely spread in the North India due to rainy season, but only because doctors had injections to boost the immunity, and ways to increase platelets count, they managed to save thousands of lives with ease and economically.
    OK now you are supporting "prevention" Didn't you say you "strongly" disagree. The C&C and task response are big issues.

    In conclusion, benefits earned by spending money in research and treating chronic diseases immensely advantageous for the people and society as a whole.
    Single line conclusions are dangerous and unless you are an advanced writer avoid that.

    Your task response is confusing (atleast to me). And a bad task response means an automatic less than 7 score.
     
  15. Hi
    I am struggling with ielts wrinting.
    Can you let me know is this book available on google?
    Thankx
     

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