Jokes! Something to ease the tension of this process :)

[shamsia]

Hi guys!

This whole process invariably gets to us, so lets share some jokes to make each other laugh. But remember, just clean fun, not at the expense of anybody. Here's my joke to flag off the topic:

- A man named Bob sends flowers to a friend who was opening a new restaurant. When Bob arrived at the grand opening, he looked for the flowers he had sent. Well, when he found them, he saw that the florist had accidentally sent a white wreath that said, "May you rest in peace." He panicked, of course, and called the florist, who said, "Bob, I'm not as worried about you because as we speak, there's a guy being buried who got a dozen roses that said, "Good luck in your new location!"

 

[shamsia]

- A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!". The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "B****!!". They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

 

[smokijoe]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

 

[atethepaint]

Haha, good jokes. I don't know any really clean ones, so I'll give you a lighter dirty one (I heard this from an American friend):

Two Canadian guys are sitting at a bar, bored. They decide to play 20 Questions. The first Canadian thinks up the word "Moose c**k" and laughs. "Okay, try to guess the word" he tells the second Canadian.

The second Canadian starts. "Is it something good to eat?" he asks. The first Canadian laughs and replies "Haha, ya, I guess you could eat it."
The second Canadian asks "Is it moose c**K?"

 

[GetUsHome]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said. 'I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?'

'Oh those ' Satan groaned. 'They're all from Canada, and they're still too cold and wet to burn.'

 

[smokijoe]

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on

She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night
we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and s***w
your brains out.."

She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said.

So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."

I hope no one gets offended.

 

[CharlieD10]

Bahaha! Loving these. Try to keep them clean though, we don't want this thread shut down. OK, my contribution:

Woman: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?

Man: Darling, I do.

 

[newdelhi2011]

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

 

[smokijoe]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only man from Omagh who had moved into the neighbourhood
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and Flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I just want the *censored word* who pushed me in.'

 

[smokijoe]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the
men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years."

 

[smokijoe]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture
for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

 

[atethepaint]

An old man is at a hockey game between the Montreal Canadians and the Toronto Maple Leafs. The seat next to him is empty, and he is sobbing and crying quietly to himself.

The woman next to him leans over and says "Is everything okay, sir?"
"I'm alright." The mans answers. "It's just that my wife and I had season tickets for over 30 years, and we came to every game together, but she passed away and I'm here alone."

"Oh, I'm sorry about your loss." The woman replied kindly. "Couldn't you bring someone else? A relative or friend or someone?"
"No." The old man replies. "They're all at her funeral."

 

[Wande]

APARTMENT for RENT
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady... !!

 

[shamsia]

LMAO!! Love the jokes!! Keep them coming ;D ;D

 

[shamsia]

- Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use ur toothbrush.