divorce / sponsorship obligations / abuse??

[choochoo]

Ack, okay, I sponsored my husband and he's been here a little over a year. He was always somewhat abusive but prior to our marriage, like 2 months, he was better and nicer. Got married, and then went home to have a baby.

During this time here in Canada, he has shown himself to be lazy, constantly being fired or quitting cause his "bosses are cheating him / racist / etc".

I suppose the worse part are his arguments if he doesn't get his way. In Canada, he will be verbally abusive or due to prior physical abuse on me in his home country, make me scared thinking that he will hit me. He has yanked me by my hair once in Canada, and this is so far the extent of it. When he did that, it was the end of his spell on me as he did that in front of our child. On top of things, he has a new girlfriend.

Anyway, I want him out and he is slowing preparing himself to leave. I'm hesitant to force him out as it might trigger something in him. He doesn't have a job right now (lost it today in fact) and is currently finishing his HS diploma which makes that job prospects difficult to find. At this point, he doesn't sound like a winner, but he is charming and romantic and all that -- which makes you forget the bad stuff.. Though I'm not forgetting anything anymore.

Okay, so the deal is that I make only 30,000$/a year prior to taxes and have a kid (with him). Today he said that maybe he should go on welfare and work a few hours a week under the table while he attends school, so that he will have enough to live on his own. However, considering his abusiveness and the reasons I want to divorce, will I still be obligated to pay back the 18,000$ in welfare that he will be able to collect until my sponsorship obligations run out?

My last option is getting him deported because there are things that I know that would be able use.... But, despite him being an asshole, I still feel obligated to give him a chance in Canada as his prospects back home are nil.

 

[CrazyLucy]

If he has already landed, there is nothing you can do to deport your husband, saddly.

It seems like you feel like you have limited options when it comes to dealing with your abusive spouse. You've got to remember...there are always options. Living in fear that he is going to hurt you if you tell him to get out is ridiculous. If you want him out and you are fearful for yourself, you can actually arrange a policeman to be there while he leaves. (dont call 911 though, call the non-emergency hotline)

People like him love to rope their wife/girlfriend back in by being nice for a little and then going back to being a jerk once again. Dont play his game anymore and get rid of him!

And yes, despite getting a divorce and him moving out, you would have to pay back the welfare. Nothing you can do there if he chooses to go on welfare.

 

[amikety]

Ack, okay, I sponsored my husband and he's been here a little over a year. He was always somewhat abusive but prior to our marriage, like 2 months, he was better and nicer. Got married, and then went home to have a baby.

During this time here in Canada, he has shown himself to be lazy, constantly being fired or quitting cause his "bosses are cheating him / racist / etc".

I suppose the worse part are his arguments if he doesn't get his way. In Canada, he will be verbally abusive or due to prior physical abuse on me in his home country, make me scared thinking that he will hit me. He has yanked me by my hair once in Canada, and this is so far the extent of it. When he did that, it was the end of his spell on me as he did that in front of our child. On top of things, he has a new girlfriend.

Anyway, I want him out and he is slowing preparing himself to leave. I'm hesitant to force him out as it might trigger something in him. He doesn't have a job right now (lost it today in fact) and is currently finishing his HS diploma which makes that job prospects difficult to find. At this point, he doesn't sound like a winner, but he is charming and romantic and all that -- which makes you forget the bad stuff.. Though I'm not forgetting anything anymore.

Okay, so the deal is that I make only 30,000$/a year prior to taxes and have a kid (with him). Today he said that maybe he should go on welfare and work a few hours a week under the table while he attends school, so that he will have enough to live on his own. However, considering his abusiveness and the reasons I want to divorce, will I still be obligated to pay back the 18,000$ in welfare that he will be able to collect until my sponsorship obligations run out?

My last option is getting him deported because there are things that I know that would be able use.... But, despite him being an asshole, I still feel obligated to give him a chance in Canada as his prospects back home are nil.

If there anywhere on the application he told even a little white lie, you can report that to Immigration in hopes he gets deported - but I wouldn't count on that to work. You can also report him and tell Immigration you feel he used you to get into Canada, but with a child, they will probably not feel your marriage was fraudulent.

He will be required to pay child support regardless.

Are you an immigrant to Canada yourself? (You said home country, so that made me wonder.) If you are - find your local Immigrant Women's Centre and ask for help. It's income based and techincally you have 3 people on your income so you should be able to qualify. They may even have lawyers that can help you. If your husband is hurting you, you can get a restraining order for yourself and your baby. If you can't find an organization, let me know where you are and I'll see if I can help you find one nearby.

You could also try to call or write the officer of the Immigration Minister Jason Kenney. I don't know if he can help you, but your situation may help him make new, better laws to protect innocents against abuse later.

I know this is very hard and the manipulation and threats make life so difficult...... trust me, I KNOW.... but you will survive wiser, smarter, and stronger. And please, if he hits you again, call the police and press charges. He cannot collect welfare from jail!

Also, get a lawyer for the divorce and write into the divorce settlement he must repay you if you have to pay welfare for him

 

[harryiswaiting]

This situation sounds a lot like a friend of mine who married a Moroccan man. Once they were married and he was in Canada, he was really abusive (pulling her hair, slapping, yelling, etc). Thankfully they didn't have any kids together. Unfortunately, you cannot deport him. Once he is a PR, there is no going back and because you sponsored him, you are financially responsible for him for the duration of 36 months, so if he goes on welfare, then you have to pay for it.

This is not to say it's all bad. Easier said than done, but just get out of the relationship. No one deserves to be abused, you shouldn't feel you are walking on eggshells, and I'm sure you don't want your child growing up in that situation. Abuse is just a cycle, he will act badly, then be nice and you accept-all for it to happen again, eventually. I suggest you contact a local women's resource centre or shelter and seek out some counselling or options if things really do take a turn for the worst. Also, make sure to call the CIC call centre and advise them that you are no longer together and why. Even they do not want you to be a victim twice.

Good luck and be strong- if not for yourself, then your child!

 

[CharlieD10]

Abusers can be very charming, it's how they get away with it for the longest while. They promise to be nice, it'll never happen again, romance you all over, and then, BAM. Literally. A man who pulls a woman's hair and is forgiven for it will work his way up to slapping her face, punching her, beating her etc etc. I am not trying to scare you, I'm just saying, DON'T fall for it. It's a cycle, and you're in the early stages and can nip it in the bud before worse comes to worse and your child grows up seeing you get abused.

Personally, I'd rather pay back welfare to get an abuser out of my life, than hang around waiting for him to raise his hand to me again. You signed up to make sure he wouldn't need to government assistance to become self-sufficient and he promised to make every effort to become self-sufficient, you didn't sign up to get beaten. If he wants to renege AND treat your poorly, take the lesser of two evils, get rid of him even if he goes on welfare, but don't keep him around just because you are afraid of paying back money. Money is money, your self-esteem, bodily safety and future well-being stack up a lot higher than $18,000 ever will.

 

[choochoo]

Thank you for your advise and words of encouragement. I'm actually Canadian, born and bred, so some of the services mentioned aren't available to me.

There are definite truths to everything you say. It's hard doing all of this, but I will.

I still am pissed about getting this giant debt, his whole presence in my life has drained me both financially and emotionally. But as Charlie mentions, there is so much more to life than money.

 

[Shiny88]

i would cut his b4lls if he was my husband by the way i already told my hubby theres no f78k around with me otherwise he would loose part of his private on his sleep lol. I wish u goodluck, and that you can get rid of him soon. You deserve better, enough is enough and one day he will pay for it. By the way next time he dare touching you call the cops on him as someone else said he cannot collect welfare from jail! make him pay for all the suffering dont feel bad about him cuz he is not feeling bad of what he is doing and has done to you hun.keep being strong, one day you will find a man who will be more than you expected. Does he have family back home? if i were you i would give them a call and just let them know what kind of son they raised.

 

[sunsun]

Report to Police first....They will tell you what you should do....