Hi Canadianwoman,
I'm really sorry for your loss (both of them). I don't know how I'd cope in your situation. I think I'll just come right out and say it: I'm pretty racist; not intentionally, but I am. It's weird, I grew up with an EXTREMELY liberal parent who taught me before even Kindergarten about Homosexuality, Racism, "Class" systems, etc. My (gay male) role model (my mom's best friend) died of AIDS when I was a young child which was a tough lesson in life. I even remember asking for a "Fortune Teller" doll for Christmas (a blonde doll with a little silver wand) and got the same doll but it was Black. I remember being really upset that I got "some Black doll" instead of the pretty blonde one. That's when my parent taught me about racism. I began to love my Black doll and wouldn't trade it for anything else. It was better and more unique than any of my friends' dolls and they loved to come over and play with it.
I guess the reason I'm saying this is that, while I don't "mean" to be racist, I am in some ways. I mean I have worked and studied in Social Justice and thought deeply about things that affect people based on ethnicity, and yet.. Well, I was in an airport in Calgary when I saw a group of -very- black men (not milk chocolate - black) sitting together in a row of seats. The airport was entirely crowded and there were not enough seats to go around. Except for one thing - no one was sitting in the seats on the other side of the aisle that faced these men (the seats are back-to-back, and each row faces the next). I'm lazy, so I sat directly across from them. One looked up, and smiled. I smiled back. As the aeroplane was starting to accept passengers, we lined up so that I followed them. One of them said something about the weather, and as I was returning home from a Business trip in Toronto, I mentioned that I couldn't wait to get home. He asked where "home" was, and I said "Victoria". He said it was his home too. Things were taking a while so they went off somewhere and I boarded the plane. I was at the very front so I could see in the little "tube" thing that you cross to board the plane. It was dark until I saw these white teeth, eyes, and eventually the palm of a hand. It was the same guy at my window, smiling and waving. He got on and as he walked down the aisle, we smiled.
That was that. We got to Victoria and got our luggage and didn't say a word until one night, when a friend and I were driving through downtown, we saw him. I pulled over and we said "hello" and exchanged phone numbers. He was from Sudan, but later moved to Ethiopia before moving to Canada. He wanted to meet for coffee in a completely platonic way and I agreed. He was very nice and had a wonderful smile, and when we talked, we talked about Canada, about Sudan and Africa in general, as well as the rough life he led as a child (having to wield a gun around at a young age, even killing people during war at the age of 12, etc.). We get along very well and have similar views on life and society, and since then we've gotten together a number of times.... and yet, whenever we meet, I make sure it's in a public place. It's ridiculous, I know! But I always think, "Sure, he's fine. But if I went to his apartment, would he have a bunch of scary Sudanese roommates?" It's utterly racist and I know better, but it's like I can't help myself. I guess we fear what we don't know, and Victoria is the "whitest city in Canada".
I'm the first one who usually says things like, "What does he see in a Canadian woman?" or "What does she see in a Nigerian man?" but reading your posts, it's obvious you are in a legitimate relationship. I'm really sorry about what happened, especially with the loss of your mother at the same time. It sounds like the conference call (was that what it was?) was a Communication nightmare! I find it difficult to understand my Sudanese/Ethiopian friend but because we are friends, I am patient and he is patient with me. I couldn't imagine what the Judge, who probably feels her time is worth gold, would think! By the way, Judges are usually ex-lawyers, and a lot of the time they are ex "prosecution" lawyers. I wouldn't be surprised if that Judge used to interrogate Nigerian (or African in general) men/women in his previous career.
I agree with what many have said - go to the media. It might be quicker than having to apply again. You should be able to get a transcript of the court, no?
---EDIT---
I should also just clarify the reason I said all of the above. Even being brought up with a Liberal parent, and having experiences that help me become more tolerant and less ignorant, I still hesitate on certain things. I do not believe I am inherently racist. I believe I was probably brought up in a society (unfortunately Canadian society, well Vancouver Island society) which is less tolerant and more ignorant. I wouldn't be surprised if a Judge was racist at all.
