Sending Money Back Home - Philippines

[melouttamegacity]

It has been just over 7 months since my husband finally arrived from the Philippines! Yay!!! Together at last.

Thankfully the Lord has been good to us, and my husband found a job less than one month after arriving. It's been a rough go though, and he finally settled into a new job that actually pays him on time. (Never thought something like an employer not paying you can happen in Canada? Think again!) Anyway pay is crappy, but it is what it is. We will get by.

Here's the issue:
It seems to be that Philippine culture suggests that the person abroad should send money "back home". I knew this when I decided to marry him. That's why we decided on a plan beforehand. He would send the same amount of money every month for his mom and his younger brother. We decided that P12000/month was a good amount (equal to about $300CAD). It was much more than he was paid when he was living in the Philippines.

Well the money was quickly being spent. So... in order to sort of control his mother's spending, we instead were filtering out weekly deposits into his mother's account of P3000-P3500 every Monday. This has helped a bit, but my mother-in-law keeps pestering my husband for more money. Every few days she asks him for more. My husband and I are trying to save, but it's kinda hard. We're just starting out our lives here. And she keeps bugging me to have a baby. HOW CAN I HAVE A BABY WHEN I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD IT??? Thankfully my parents are kind enough to let us stay in their basement with a minimal fee for rent until we get our feet on the ground.

In the 7 months my husband has been here, there have been several "emergencies". Mother needs dentures, there's a hole in the roof, brother got sick, the hole in the roof is getting bigger, uncle passed away, always hungry, another family member is sick, the house got flooded, brother needs a big birthday party by the beach....

This is getting out of hand.

I've been very calm throughout all of this. I'm very supportive. My husband gives weekly, and has sometimes given more than he said he would. Sometimes he gives more than once a week. However I've tried to remain firm with him, and suggested that he stay firm with his mom.

You know, every Monday when he send his mother money he doesn't even get so much as a thank you. She rarely asks him how he's doing unless it's followed by "we need more money". He feels he's being used, and so do I.

What do you all do to control this?

 

[PMM]

Hi

It has been just over 7 months since my husband finally arrived from the Philippines! Yay!!! Together at last.

Thankfully the Lord has been good to us, and my husband found a job less than one month after arriving. It's been a rough go though, and he finally settled into a new job that actually pays him on time. (Never thought something like an employer not paying you can happen in Canada? Think again!) Anyway pay is crappy, but it is what it is. We will get by.

Here's the issue:
It seems to be that Philippine culture suggests that the person abroad should send money "back home". I knew this when I decided to marry him. That's why we decided on a plan beforehand. He would send the same amount of money every month for his mom and his younger brother. We decided that P12000/month was a good amount (equal to about $300CAD). It was much more than he was paid when he was living in the Philippines.

Well the money was quickly being spent. So... in order to sort of control his mother's spending, we instead were filtering out weekly deposits into his mother's account of P3000-P3500 every Monday. This has helped a bit, but my mother-in-law keeps pestering my husband for more money. Every few days she asks him for more. My husband and I are trying to save, but it's kinda hard. We're just starting out our lives here. And she keeps bugging me to have a baby. HOW CAN I HAVE A BABY WHEN I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD IT??? Thankfully my parents are kind enough to let us stay in their basement with a minimal fee for rent until we get our feet on the ground.

In the 7 months my husband has been here, there have been several "emergencies". Mother needs dentures, there's a hole in the roof, brother got sick, the hole in the roof is getting bigger, uncle passed away, always hungry, another family member is sick, the house got flooded, brother needs a big birthday party by the beach....

This is getting out of hand.

I've been very calm throughout all of this. I'm very supportive. My husband gives weekly, and has sometimes given more than he said he would. Sometimes he gives more than once a week. However I've tried to remain firm with him, and suggested that he stay firm with his mom.

You know, every Monday when he send his mother money he doesn't even get so much as a thank you. She rarely asks him how he's doing unless it's followed by "we need more money". He feels he's being used, and so do I.

What do you all do to control this?

1. Have your spouse explain to his mother that you and him are not their "piggy bank" You are sending as much as you can afford, and that is it. Stick to it. If you don't you will never have any savings or be able to get out of your parents basement.

 

[scylla]

It's pretty easy to control this - but your husband is the one who has to make it happen. Your husband needs to stop sending additional money whenever he is asked. As long as he keeps sending additional money, his mother will keep expecting it and asking for it.

He should call her and let her know that going forward, it will be impossible for him to provide more than the $300 per month he has agreed to - and that she should budget accordingly. Then he needs to stick to that payment schedule. If she requests more money, then he should remind her of the conversation they've had and tell her she'll have to wait until the next scheduled $300 payment.

As you've said, your husband is the one who has to be firm. What happens is really up to him. His mother isn't going to suddenly change.

 

[canuck_in_uk]

Hi

That's a very difficult situation you are in. I have no firsthand experience with such a situation but I can offer some ideas on how to deal with it.

I've read that the pressure can be very hard on new immigrants because a lot of family members back in the home country have the impression that everyone in Canada is well-off and makes good money, a "piggy bank" like PMM said above. The family expects that the new immigrant is making lots and should share.

I think what you guys need to do is to write out your budget, listing all your net income and all of your expenses. List everything, even the little things that only cost a few bucks a week. Budget for the average cost of rent in your city, not the discounted price you are paying at your parents. Research how much you will need to have saved for a baby and include that in the budget.

Then have him go through EVERYTHING with his mother. Explain every single expense to her and make her understand how much it actually costs to live in Canada and that you guys don't have much extra to spare, especially if you are going to have a baby.

He needs to be firm and honest with her, as hard as that might be for him, and tell her that her spending is causing not just financial issues but possible relationship issues for the two of you. She is putting him in the horrible position of having to choose between his wife and his mother.

Also, you can look at arranging to pay a set amount of her expenses directly each month instead of giving her the money. For example, if she pays rent, you pay the landlord directly each month; if his brother has school fees, you give the money to the school.

Hope you work it out, good luck!

 

[melouttamegacity]

Thanks for the ideas, guys. I guess there's no way to really handle it other than what we've been doing already, and to just remain FIRM.

A lot of you suggest that we speak to my mother-in-law and reason with her. But the truth is, she refuses to believe anything we say. She thinks that we're lying because people in Canada are all rich and can pick money up off the street.

I like the idea, canuck_in_uk, about budgeting. Since my husband just came to Canada, his pay SUCKS but we're hoping he'll move up the ladder soon. I also like the idea of paying the school directly for costs. Unfortunately I've already looked into that, and they don't deal with money that way in the Philippines (at least not where my husband's family is from). *sigh*

 

[canuck_in_uk]

Thanks for the ideas, guys. I guess there's no way to really handle it other than what we've been doing already, and to just remain FIRM.

A lot of you suggest that we speak to my mother-in-law and reason with her. But the truth is, she refuses to believe anything we say. She thinks that we're lying because people in Canada are all rich and can pick money up off the street.

I like the idea, canuck_in_uk, about budgeting. Since my husband just came to Canada, his pay SUCKS but we're hoping he'll move up the ladder soon. I also like the idea of paying the school directly for costs. Unfortunately I've already looked into that, and they don't deal with money that way in the Philippines (at least not where my husband's family is from). *sigh*

If she refuses to believe what you say, consider actually organizing your wage slips, utility bills, phone bills, food receipts, bus or gas receipts, ads with rental prices, etc. to show your average costs/month. Send it to her, along with the budget. Breakdown everything for her in the simplest way so that she can't accuse you of making it all up.

You could also include some articles and stuff highlighting the issue of how new immigrants struggle to make a living when they first arrive to Canada. Examples
http://www2.macleans.ca/2013/09/11/immigrants-minorities-struggle-to-earn-living-build-life-in-canada/
http://www2.macleans.ca/2013/04/24/land-of-misfortune/,
http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2013/09/11/national_household_survey_immigrants_minorities_struggle_in_canada.html

 

[steaky]

If she refuses to believe what you say, consider actually organizing your wage slips, utility bills, phone bills, food receipts, bus or gas receipts, ads with rental prices, etc. to show your average costs/month. Send it to her, along with the budget. Breakdown everything for her in the simplest way so that she can't accuse you of making it all up.

In case your mother-in-law doesn't read English, I suppose you can bring some free tagalog newspapers in Toronto for her to read so she can get an idea about local food prices, rental, etc.