Great idea!
I am not a native speaker, but I will try
Please note that there may be more mistakes in your essay than I have found.
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.
Companies often request job seekers to disclose their marital status and give details about likenesses and habits in job application, quite a few people argue that these details are highly necessary to help organization to select best employee according to their work environment and financial strength, other disagree and say it is inappropriate. In this essay I will discuss both sides and provide my thoughts on this highly important matter.
Maybe it would be better to say: "provide details" or "disclose details". You certainly need an article before "job application". The second part of the first sentence looks like it is not connected with the first one. Maybe it would be better to rephrase or separate it.
The phrase "quite a few" seems odd. You may want to use that phrase when you are surprised by the number. There are mistakes with articles: "organization", "best employee". The sentence looks odd. Maybe it would be better if you wrote it like this: "...these details are necessary for <something> in order to <do something>..."?
Or, this sentence is too long!
))
"other disagree" -> "others disagree".
Firstly, asking candidate about their hobbies are often require to help organization to develop good working environment. If companies have knowledge about their future employee’s likeness, they can include those facilities in offices to help employees relax while working. Secondly, most employers provide financial benefits like marriage allowance, child education help and house rent for the married candidates, if company know at the time of job application about job seekers personal information they can offer good salary and benefits based on individual status.
Why do you start the paragraph with "Firstly"? Looks inaproppriate. I realize now that you wrote arguments in favour of companies that ask for personal info, but it would be better if you indicated that you are going to review the first opinion.
"hobbies are" -> "hobbies is". The subject is "asking", it is singular.
"often required". Also, it would be better to write: "often required by ... ".
"employees'". This ' thingy can be confusing
"those facilities". Which ones?
"child education help"?
The whole sentence needs rephrasing, the part that starts with "if" looks odd.
"company know" -> "companies know".
"job application" needs an article.
"seekers" -> "seekers' "
On the other hand, this information sometimes is use to judge employee and his behavior by the employer. This practice is done to help already working employees to feel comfortable working with like-minded people, if all the employees in the company have likeness to cricket and only one individual do not have he will fell separated just because of this. But this is not great way of employee selection as most of the times candidate who deserve jobs did not get hired just because their preferences not matched with company’s requirement. Employers should always give all the candidates equal opportunity despite job seekers habits and marital status.
"is use" -> "is used".
"employee": article.
The second sentence needs to be rephrased or separated into two smaller ones.
"But...": this is not a great way to start a sentence.
"great way": article.
"great way to ..."
There are many mistakes with articles here.
"preferences not matched" -> "preferences do not match". Which preferences? Hobbies and any other additional information are not preferences, those are details.
"opportunity" needs an article.
"seekers" -> "seekers' "
In my opinion, candidate selection procedure should only be based on pure merit and knowledge of the job applier in the field of work and should not base on the personal likeness and marital status at all. This will help companies to acquire best talent and will also help all candidates to pursue their hobbies.
"applier"? Maybe "applicant"?
"should not base" -> "should not be based".
Multiple mistakes with articles.
"pursue hobbies"? Not sure what did you mean.
Your essay is not bad, but you need to work on your grammar if you want to achieve 7. Also, try to use more vocabulary words in your essays. Right now you have only 8 of them (likenesses, marital, disclose, status, despite, preferences, merit, application). Using topic-specific words could also help. Maybe instead of repeating "company" you may use "HR managers", for example. Just find a way to incorporate it naturally
My recommendations:
1. Use paperrater dot com (free&online) to grade your texts. This is really helpful.
2. The book "Grammar for IELTS" may help you to tackle your problems with articles, apostrophes and sentence structuring.
