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Please evaluate my task 2 essay.

adilesha

Newbie
Feb 20, 2013
3
0
Children or kids should be deprived of technological devices such as mobile phones and internet access in order to prosper in education.

In a world of amplifying technological progress many devices have totally changed our approach to study. A good example of this is mobile phone, which arguably another revolutionary invention of our time, besides computers and internet technologies. Uninterrupted inventing of new technologies, particularly, the mobile phones which are almost become mini-computers, facilitating searches for information and enhancing their extremely essential contribution in education. There is some debate about whether children should be deprived of technological devices.
On one hand, there are countless benefits that can be garnered from using technology such as computers. From my own experience, in my childhood when I missed one hugely important week of lessons I was able to search for that lost material in Internet. By doing so, I acquired all necessary information at home and each and every teacher’s question had been answered by me at school. Due to Internet, children are able to play logical games which will expand their logics from tender age.
On the other hand, there exist several adverse implications of being deeply involved in technological devices. For instance, some children instead of reading books and improve their speech, enlightenment and thinking ability play critically inauspicious games which disperse their attention from study. Consequently, on the next day at school they become sleepy, unproductive and think only about a part of a game which they could not pass yesterday.
In conclusion, through a multi-prolonged approach technological device is the product of various influences. Even though the children digress from study being plunged in depth of technological devices, technologies ensure children with all needed information by a computer. By doing so, technology such as computer brings the utterly splendiferous endowment to our society. Technological devices such as mobile phones and internet access will right along serve to prosperity of children’s education.
300 words
 

spyrosbestplumber

Full Member
Dec 17, 2012
29
1
I am not an examiner ,neither am I a native speaker to correct and evaluate your essay.It seems quite well to me since I did not find any major mistakes and I 'm already holding a 7 in writting.The only suggestion that I could say is this.Your essay should be divided to four distinguishable paragraphs.An introduction ,two paragraphs for the main body where the arguments are presented and a conclusion.I do not see that ,in fact the introduction is too long comparted with the main body of the essay and the conclusion.Another sugestion to you and any other potential examinees would be to leave a comlplete line blanc between the paragraphs to distinguish between each other.
 

Pippin

VIP Member
Mar 22, 2010
4,254
530
You have put a lot of effort into this essay and there are some areas you may want to alter. Have someone read it out loud to you. The first sentence mentions "Children or kids". Use one or the other, but I would discourage the use of "kids" in a formal essay. The last sentences are incomplete.
The opening statement opposes the use of technological devices, yet the author makes a strong argument in their favour. If you wish to present both sides of the argument, the opening statement could be: Do technological devices such as mobile phones and computers have a positive or negative impact on children's education?
You will notice that there are some thoughts that do not make complete sentences. "A good example of this is (the) mobile phone......" There are many long words (splendiferous), but they only serve to detract from the writing. In addition, a phrase like "extremely essential" does not need the word extremely to be included. If something is essential, that is all that needs to be said. It is a bit like the "children and kids" phrase at the start.
I don't mean to be harsh and I am not an English teacher, but I hope this helps a little.