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Please evaluate my essay.

Discussion in 'IELTS - CELPIP - TEF - TCF - Language Testing' started by Hannan Khan, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Guys, please tell me my mistakes and the bands this could fetch.

    These days, mobile phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially.
    Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


    The use of cell phones and internet has dramatically changed the way people interact with each other. Although there are some disadvantages of increased online interaction, its benefits such as instant catch ups and social transparency are standout game changers that outweigh the drawbacks.

    There foremost disadvantage of internet and cellphones as a medium of social interaction is that people engage each other in hateful debate. Often times, people differ from each other in opinion, however, with the advent of social media they can easily wage a war against the opposing party in the comments section of a post. To elucidate, at multiple occasions, the people from Pakistan and India are seen hurling abuses and slurs at each other on the social media.

    There are a number of advantages of online social interaction. Firstly, the use of social media and cell phones has brought the people together at a distance of a few clicks. It would not matter which part of the world one is in. With a mobile phone or computer, people can easily touch base with the oldest of their friends or acquaintances. Secondly, the use of internet and mobile phones has resulted in making the world more transparent. If injustice is being done in any part of the world, people can get the word around quickly which results in the justice being delivered.

    In conclusion, the use of internet and mobile phones has entirely changed social interaction. Benefits such as bringing people closer and ensuring a transparent society do overshadow this development’s drawbacks.
     
  2. I'd say this is between a 5.5 - 6.5. Maaaaybe a 7 if you get lucky.

    I'm not a professional examiner, I'm going by this -https://takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS_task_1_Writing_band_descriptors.pdf

    However, this is definitely not an 8, nor is it less than 5.

    There are some grammatical errors, the language is a little stilted, the sentence structure is convoluted. The advantages and disadvantages are limited.

    Since I have no context to your general ability with English, I'm going to assume that you put in some significant effort and your prior essays were worse. If that is true, then this is a decent effort and you can certainly improve. Don't let my unqualified criticism get you down!

    Let me know if you want specific tips.
     
    Hannan Khan likes this.
  3. #3 Hannan Khan, Apr 12, 2019 at 8:24 PM
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2019
    I like how you started at 5.5 and went to the stretch of 7 . But I understand you are grading this a 6 or 6.5, no more than that.

    Since you show interest, let me give you some context. I use English on a daily basis. Sometimes at a stretch, other times to a limited extent. I have been working offshore for a US based company for 12 years.

    I will soon try to crack IELTS for the 6th time. A write up of mine, in which I wasn't at my best, has been marked 7 by Chris at IELTS Advantage. Yet, in my last five attempts, I have been scoring at least 8 in listening and 7 in reading and speaking with the writing module stuck at 6.5. I haven't thought about giving up as yet so I wouldn't worry the criticism getting me down. In fact, I expect the same while putting up a write up on a public forum for evaluation.

    Can you tell me specifically where you are seeing the complexity in sentences and the stilted language? Again, thanks for the feedback.
     
  4. Ah, that provides much needed context. And you're right, I was grading this at a maximum of 6.5 - anonymous criticism is easy.

    I'll preface by saying that I am not a professional IELTS coach or tutor, so feel free to agree to disagree with anything I say. On the other hand, I have taken the IELTS (once) and the GMAT (once) and I scored a 9 and a 6 respectively, so I'm at least able to get a good score myself.

    So, with that in mind, let's proceed. I'll do two things. One, I'll answer your question about the complexity and stilted language. Two, I'll use the grading rubric and try and give a few examples of how you can take your essay and get it to a 9.

    "There foremost disadvantage...": This is an obvious typo and I know you mean to say "The foremost". However, typos like this can drag your score down when coupled with other errors.

    Often times, people differ from each other in opinion, however, with the advent of social media they can easily wage a war against the opposing party in the comments section of a post.

    There are too many commas breaking my flow as I read this.

    If you read it out loud, you may see what I mean. It doesn't sound natural - it sounds stilted. If you look at the rubric, it says "uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention". Your sentence is not incorrect, but it attracts unwanted attention.

    I'll take a stab at rewriting it:

    People have always had differing opinions on a variety of subjects. The advent of social media, however, has turned what could have been a pleasant debate with friends into angry diatribes against faceless strangers in the comments section of a post.

    Try reading that out and compare it with what you wrote.

    To elucidate, at multiple occasions, the people from Pakistan and India are seen hurling abuses and slurs at each other on the social media.

    The first part of the sentence doesn't sound right. "To elucidate, at multiple occasions..". I'm not a grammarian so I can't tell you what's wrong with it (and it may be grammatically correct), but it just doesn't sound right to me.

    The second half of the sentence has a grammatical error. "the social media" should be just "social media".

    "Firstly, the use of social media and cell phones has brought the people together at a distance of a few clicks." : Again, not the people, just people.


    It would not matter which part of the world one is in. With a mobile phone or computer, people can easily touch base with the oldest of their friends or acquaintances. Secondly, the use of internet and mobile phones has resulted in making the world more transparent. If injustice is being done in any part of the world, people can get the word around quickly which results in the justice being delivered.

    Two things jump out at me.

    The first is the lackluster example of "touching base" with "friends and acquaintances". People used to do this well before mobile phones came along by writing letters to each other, or calling each other on the phone.

    What you mean is that people can now communicate instantly with friends who are thousands of miles away, and thereby stay connected. This wasn't possible before and this has changed the world.

    In addition, social media allows for passive listening, whereby you can stay connected with friends without having to take overt action since you can simply follow a friend's life on Instagram, Facebook, etc. This was also impossible before, and thus most people stayed in touch with a handful of friends, and lost touch with everyone else. Now, however, you can stay in touch with your entire cohort from high school with little to no effort on your - or their - part.

    Secondly, the bit about the "injustice and transparency". Once again, you have a strong thought but you just haven't expanded it enough. Such an important topic requires a bit more than "getting the word around quickly = justice is delivered".

    Nothing grammatically incorrect, and the vocabulary is fine, but this will not constitute a "fully developed response".

    Your weak arguments undermine your conclusion a little bit.

    I know you have to stick to the word limit. However, the ability to convey a complex argument in a succinct fashion is what separates a decent essay - which yours is - from a really great essay.

    This post is already way too long so I'll stop here with one final thing that might help. Read "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. This book is fantastic and has been used for decades to teach powerful writing.

    The book is freely available -> https://faculty.washington.edu/heagerty/Courses/b572/public/StrunkWhite.pdf

    I hope this helps. Good luck!
     
  5. Ok, I can't help but quote Strunk and White

    Omit needless words.

    Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
     
  6. #6 Hessam, Apr 14, 2019 at 4:41 AM
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2019
    THE INTERNET ALWAYS! - this is even clear in the question!
    If you can write such an essay in 40 minutes, then well done!

    WORD COUNT = 215 -------> You'll miss some marks here! You only needed 2-3 more sentences!
    Vocabulary -------> Good
    Grammar ---------> a few mistakes
    -----------
    If it was a 250-word essay I'd give you 7.0
    But now, 60% ---> 6.5 ; 40% ------> 6.0
    Cause you've only managed to fulfil 85% word count
    To me, you're the kind of person who can get 7. Just be careful with time and word count!
    .....
    ...
    Come on, guys! This is far from 5.5
     
    Hannan Khan likes this.
  7. As some one who has recently started IELTS preparation, i am not the right person to evaluate essays and give score. But will like to point out some issues i have with the essay as an average reader.

    THE internet is already mentioned so wont elaborate on that point. Word "Social" is used unnecessarily. Read the number of times word social is repeated. What is social transparency and social interaction?

    One thing i have seen Liz keep mentioning, essays have to be formal and you have used words like "catch ups", "game changer" and "get the word around" which doesn't fit in the formal writing. I could be wrong.

    You could have given example without mentioning Indian and Pakistan
    Like saying two countries with border issues engage in bla bla bla.

    Conclusion could have been better..

    "In conclusion, the use of the internet and mobile phones has entirely changed social interaction. Benefits such as bringing people closer and ensuring a transparent society do overshadow this development’s drawbacks". (incorrect)

    In conclusion, the use of the internet and mobile phones has entirely changed social interaction. Benefits such as bringing people closer and ensuring a transparent society overshadow small instances of people engaging in hateful debates. (connecting your conclusion with points mentioned in your first paragraph)
     
    Hannan Khan likes this.
  8. Please evaluate my essay:

    Employer should give longer holidays to employee to encourage them to do their job well. Do you agree or disagree?


    Proficiency and perfectionism attains higher level of organizational and personal growth and Some people opine that, long vacations entice them for perform their task upto the expectation. I certainly assert that vacation is a vital ingredient for keeping employees fresh and motivated at work however, would it be the only component to entice executives’ to perform better?


    On the one hand, long vacations sponsored by employer not only provides a break from the work and let them rejuvenate or spend their leisure time with family but also elevate their thought process to generate innovative idea which can be applied at work. This will eventually lead an employee to reach to the professionally improved version of oneself . This whole exercise may sound theoretical but has truly significant results if we consider past researches. To illustrate, major business ideas often strike when you are away from work and relaxed.


    On the other hand, there is a byproduct for long vacation available wherein employer can invest into specific skill and trade training or workshops which could make the team member perform the work better. This looks logical also for the employees’ perspective if they are equipped with adequate training for their day-to-day task, they would perform good job at work provided that employee must nurture the training in a useful manner. To exemplify, an designer would certainly perform faster if it know the latest methodology and industry practices.


    All things considered, longer paid holidays does help the worker to concentrate better and perform optimally however other crucial efforts like training and workshop for worker can be equally benefited and helpful for employee to become more productive and efficient.


    Please check and be brutal and honest - Aim for 7 : thanks in advance
     
  9. Be careful with articles, plural s and prepositions.
    wordcount 312! try to make it around 280 next time. 312 is not bad though; as long as you do it perfectly. My advice: 280-300.
    You're close! To me, this is a band 7 essay.
    you can even get 7+. Try to use natural collocations.
     
    Aruntocanada likes this.
  10. thanks a lot and truly overwhelmed by the your opinion / view that I am pretty close.

    I will post few more for yo
     
  11.  
  12. Thank you for taking your time out @21Goose @Hessam and @AB17 . I will keep all your recommendations in mind.
     
  13. Please evaluate my essay
    Thanks in advance

    In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing.
    What do you think are the main reasons of it?
    How can we deal with the possible causes?

    We have seen a colossal rise in the density of crimes and in recent years, it has become a moot issue. This essay will discuss the main factors that are responsible for inducing offences and will also put forward some solutions for this perennial problem.
    Socio-economic factors are one of the cardinal causes in burgeoning the rate of evil deeds, which includes cultural and racial discrimination, inequality, lack of education, poor leadership and so on. Due to no access of schools and colleges especially in far flung areas, poor people follow the path of committing crimes. To epitomize, less education amenities lead to unemployment and thereby resulting in poor masses get started indulging in offences like trafficking , robbery, etcetera. Hence amount of bad happenings is ameliorating day by day.
    Admittedly, there are several pragmatic measures to escape the offenders from their dorm life. Firstly, government should intend to apprize the populace regarding the detrimental effects of crimes by organising awareness camps in countryside and urban areas. Secondly, extra-mural classes by ministry of education ought to be given to teenagers in order to make them aware pertinent to self respect and value of society.
    In conclusion, it is inferred that ever increasing crime rate has become a massive threat. Both government and individuals should proactively be involved in making prudent decisions to combat this issue by knowing its dire affects.
     
  14. Small mistakes
    good vocabulary
    coherent
    task response - OK
    but you'd to write at least one more sentence in order to reach 250 words!
    Add one more sentence to each paragraph and get 7-7.5!
     
    Raman Boparai likes this.
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