Love or Opportunity? Coffee Social

[Shiny88]

Geez...can't a guy get banned for 3 days without coming back to find 35 new pages of stuff to read in a thread that USED to have 7...? :

There's obviously a desperate need for a guy's perspective on things here, so prepare yourselves for a little unfiltered dose of what I like to call reality.

Ms. Malawi: There's no such thing as a "good" excuse for not communicating with your WIFE when you're living thousands of kilometers apart from each other, with one exception: laying unconscious in a hospital. Anything short of that, and you shouldn't put up with it. You're not his girlfriend. You're not his friend. You're not his colleague. You're his WIFE. Being separated by an ocean is already more than stressful enough, so why would he want to add to your stress by not talking with you? No, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, because by doing so, you're only going to allow it to continue happening and further encourage it. Spell it out to him very clearly that HE might think it's "no big deal" if you don't talk every day, but for you, it IS a big deal, and you don't cope well with it, AND you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Then, after you've made yourself crystal clear to him, if he continues to do it, then I'm sorry to say that you're going to have a lot of problems before you're together, and after you're together.

One of you is in Canada, and the other is in Africa. How much more SPACE does he want? And if he should ever have the nerve to tell you he wants/needs "space" ever again while you're apart, tell him the following: "Sweetie...go quickly and put on your astronaut suit, because I'm going to connect my foot with your ass with such fury that in about three seconds you'll be orbiting the planet, and then you'll have all the space you could handle."

There are 1440 minutes in a day. I don't care who you are or what your reasons are or where you're living - there's no valid excuse for why you can't talk to each other for 5 or 10 minutes every day just to make sure everything is okay and to maintain that much-needed sense of bonding, especially when you don't have it in person.

Jerry84: You, also, need to spell it out clearly to your husband that what he did was not only unacceptable, but completely asinine. It's never okay to take your personal problems and blab to YOUR friend or HIS friend or anyone else except the dog.

If he misses you more when he sees you, tell him you'll be more than happy to turn off your web cam.
Oh, and what about when you'll be living together and he'll get to see you every day for hours at a time? What then? He's not going to come home because he misses you more when he sees you? The next time he gives you that nonsense, the following reply will be most appropriate: "Darling...if you're going to speak, MAKE SENSE."

And then casually mention something about how if he misses you when you're in Skype, let's see how he'll do with missing you when you're not in Skype (or anywhere else) for the next two weeks.

Do absolutely nothing. Wait for him to realize what a royal malformed intestinal gas he's being, and wait for him to call you.
The unfortunate truth is that sometimes a grown-ass man needs to be treated like a child: you need to take away what he loves the most before he can truly appreciate what it means to be without it.

wow you are one of a kind lol my husband speaks to me on skepe every single day morning and night atleast 1,2 hour morning plus night, sometime i feel like i force him, but then when i become sad or cry or scream because i want him to give me more time,he does give me. ahh am so blessed that my husband listen to me, and i am free enough with my husband to tell him everytime exactly what i feel ,how i feel, what i want, what i expect...i say anything that is n my mind. A husband and wife should be able to tell and share everything without worrying if its good or not to tell..and not being afraid of eachther..

 

[Halfmoon]

wow you are one of a kind, and you understand woman!! my husband speaks to me on skepe every single day morning and night atleast 1,2 hour morning plus night, sometime i feel like i force him, but then when i become sad or cry or scream because i want him to give me more time,he does give me. ahh am so blessed that my husband listen to me, and i am free enough with my husband to tell him everytime exactly what i feel ,how i feel, what i want, what i expect...i say anything that is n my mind. A husband and wife should be able to tell and share everything without worrying if its good or not to tell..and not being afraid of eachther..

Word up!!! A husband and wife should never walk on eggshells and need to respect what is important to one another. Before getting married, my husband said to me, "I may not know everything but I'm a quick learner and have a willing heart as long as you're happy. Just need you to be a bit patient with me as I learn." That sealed it for me!!

 

[Shiny88]

Word up!!! A husband and wife should never walk on eggshells and need to respect what is important to one another. Before getting married, my husband said to me, "I may not know everything but I'm a quick learner and have a willing heart as long as you're happy. Just need you to be a bit patient with me as I learn." That sealed it for me!!

how romantic!

 

[Halfmoon]

how romantic!

Thanks Shiny - and what was even more important than his words were/are his actions to back up what he says to me.

 

[tuyen]

Well we shall see if your advice works. I am tired of always being the one to cave and give in because I hate fighting over the distance. (And I am always the one to call because of calling rates)

There's nothing wrong with you calling him if the rates are cheaper, BUT he needs to make himself available to you. And he should also be willing/wanting to initiate contact, and THEN you can call him back.

But enough is enough. And let's just say I am not going through another one-sided marriage.

Well...I didn't want to say anything about that because I sensed you were under enough stress already, but since you brought it up: make sure you REALLY know this person. Ask almost any woman who's been duped into a marriage of convenience, and one of the first things they'll tell you is they ignored the primary warning signs. And one of those warning signs is that after you're married (while waiting for the PR visa), he suddenly becomes emotionally distant and very difficult to talk with. He's either "busy" or <insert usual idiotic excuse here>.

I don't know how he was with you during your dating phase...but if you notice a VERY stark contrast between how it was before you got married and how it is now, then you really need to do some soul-searching and ask yourself some difficult questions that most people don't want to ask themselves for fear of finding the honest truth.

If you know with 100% certainty that he's completely committed to you and he's just going through some kind of temporary emotional phase which has been brought on by the difficulty of being apart, then it's a very simple thing to fix, and the first step to fixing it is to tell him - in very clear and no uncertain terms - that you need to speak with him every day, even if just for a few minutes. However, if there's any reason to suspect that he's not nearly as committed to you as you are to him, then you really need to find that out BEFORE he lands in Canada. Withdrawing your sponsorship application is an easy thing to do if his PR visa hasn't been issued, but once he's landed, he's going to be in a position to create a LOT of grief for you.

I know that nobody wants to think of their spouse in a bad way, and nobody wants to find out that they're being used as part of an immigration scam, but it's better to find that out sooner rather than later.

Hopefully everything will turn out fine for you, and I'm sure you married him because you know him better than most, and you saw all the right qualities in him that made you want to spend your life with him.

 

[Ms Malawi]

There's nothing wrong with you calling him if the rates are cheaper, BUT he needs to make himself available to you. And he should also be willing/wanting to initiate contact, and THEN you can call him back.

Well...I didn't want to say anything about that because I sensed you were under enough stress already, but since you brought it up: make sure you REALLY know this person. Ask almost any woman who's been duped into a marriage of convenience, and one of the first things they'll tell you is they ignored the primary warning signs. And one of those warning signs is that after you're married (while waiting for the PR visa), he suddenly becomes emotionally distant and very difficult to talk with. He's either "busy" or <insert usual idiotic excuse here>.

I don't know how he was with you during your dating phase...but if you notice a VERY stark contrast between how it was before you got married and how it is now, then you really need to do some soul-searching and ask yourself some difficult questions that most people don't want to ask themselves for fear of finding the honest truth.

If you know with 100% certainty that he's completely committed to you and he's just going through some kind of temporary emotional phase which has been brought on by the difficulty of being apart, then it's a very simple thing to fix, and the first step to fixing it is to tell him - in very clear and no uncertain terms - that you need to speak with him every day, even if just for a few minutes. However, if there's any reason to suspect that he's not nearly as committed to you as you are to him, then you really need to find that out BEFORE he lands in Canada. Withdrawing your sponsorship application is an easy thing to do if his PR visa hasn't been issued, but once he's landed, he's going to be in a position to create a LOT of grief for you.

I know that nobody wants to think of their spouse in a bad way, and nobody wants to find out that they're being used as part of an immigration scam, but it's better to find that out sooner rather than later.

Hopefully everything will turn out fine for you, and I'm sure you married him because you know him better than most, and you saw all the right qualities in him that made you want to spend your life with him.

You are right and i was one who was once duped into a marriage of convinence, no sponsorship occured though.

I agree with the soul searching amd im definitely going to be back at that. He is different and has his own way of dealing with things but you are right there is NO reason he cant talk me once a day everyday, if he really is committed to me and loves me for me. Im not afraid to walk away, just hard to do when your committed and love someone.

 

[tuyen]

HAHA!! I left out the ladies as I didn't want to offend the men especially TUYEN.....he'll pull out the Charter of Freedom and Rights on me!!! Wouldn't want that!!! :-*

I'm so NOT the politically-correct type. I would've had no problems whatsoever if you wanted to call it "Ladies Coffee Social". But just the same, thanks for the consideration. :-*

 

[Shiny88]

Thanks Shiny - and what was even more important than his words were/are his actions to back up what he says to me.

ya thats really important, see some man just talk talk but doesnt do what they say they gonna do. So action speak louder than words.

 

[Halfmoon]

I don't know how he was with you during your dating phase...but if you notice a VERY stark contrast between how it was before you got married and how it is now, then you really need to do some soul-searching and ask yourself some difficult questions that most people don't want to ask themselves for fear of finding the honest truth.

True and aside from some natural adjustments after marriage, if the spouse goes through a complete metamorphosis in the reverse direction, than it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. Again, do not ignore your intuition.

Ms. Malawi and Jerry, sincerely hope that this is just a phase that passes quickly.

 

[Halfmoon]

I'm so NOT the politically-correct type. I would've had no problems whatsoever if you wanted to call it "Ladies Coffee Social". But just the same, thanks for the consideration. :-*

MUAH!!

 

[Halfmoon]

Here's a question for everyone...What has been some "palm in your face" moments while miles apart?

One evening several weeks ago my husband called me and asked "Babes, do you know where my laptop adapter cable is".......

???

 

[tuyen]

Here's a question for everyone...What has been some "palm in your face" moments while miles apart?

One evening several weeks ago my husband called me and asked "Babes, do you know where my laptop adapter cable is".......

???

You should've told him you're holding it hostage until he gives you back your phone cable.

And then the more defensive he would get about how he doesn't have your phone cable, the more you would insist that he's NOT getting the laptop adapter cable.

After a while, when he would reach the point of being ready to break down and cry, he would eventually ask the obvious question: "Why would I have YOUR phone cable?", at which time you could then calmly respond, "Exactly sweetheart. How would I know where YOUR laptop cable is?"

The two of you just played out that exact scenario in my head, and let me tell you, it was H I L A R I O U S watching the whole thing go down.

 

[Halfmoon]

You should've told him you're holding it hostage until he gives you back your phone cable.

And then the more defensive he would get about how he doesn't have your phone cable, the more you would insist that he's NOT getting the laptop adapter cable.

After a while, when he would reach the point of being ready to break down and cry, he would eventually ask the obvious question: "Why would I have YOUR phone cable?", at which time you could then calmly respond, "Exactly sweetheart. How would I know where YOUR laptop cable is?"

The two of you just played out that exact scenario in my head, and let me tell you, it was H I L A R I O U S watching the whole thing go down.

Glad it humoured you. It was pretty hilarious as he was quite serious about me knowing where his cord was!!

When we're together, my hubbie has a habit of putting his money in my purse along with his cell phone (Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining ) but he is notorious for asking me 15 minutes AFTER we've left a restaurant or any venue, "Babes, you have my phone right?"... :-\

You're in a facetious mood tonight, why don't you share a moment you've experienced with your other half....huh Tuyen? ....wait let me make some popcorn first.

 

[Shiny88]

I found a story and was wondering if anyone is interested to read:

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.


He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

 

[amikety]

A priest did the same thing at my graduation mass with tennis balls and M&Ms lol! Except it had a much more direct moral tale to it - the tennis balls represented things like money, a house, etc. It was cute and cheesy at the same time.