Jokes! Something to ease the tension of this process :)

[shamsia]

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

 

[Hello121]

So I was talking to God the other day...

me: God, how long is a million years to you?

God: Your million years to me is about 1 second.

me: No kidding? Well, how much is a million dollars to you?

God: well, a million dollars to me is about 1 penny.

me: WoW! Well then God, can I have a million dollars?

God: sure you can, just give me a second.

 

[shamsia]

So I was talking to God the other day...

me: God, how long is a million years to you?

God: Your million years to me is about 1 second.

me: No kidding? Well, how much is a million dollars to you?

God: well, a million dollars to me is about 1 penny.

me: WoW! Well then God, can I have a million dollars?

God: sure you can, just give me a second.

Hahahahahaha!! Good one ;D

 

[newdelhi2011]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this............"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[shamsia]

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license...."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[ddobro2]

Haha, that's a good one! Thanks, Shamsia.

Hi guys!

This whole process invariably gets to us, so lets share some jokes to make each other laugh. But remember, just clean fun, not at the expense of anybody. Here's my joke to flag off the topic:

- A man named Bob sends flowers to a friend who was opening a new restaurant. When Bob arrived at the grand opening, he looked for the flowers he had sent. Well, when he found them, he saw that the florist had accidentally sent a white wreath that said, "May you rest in peace." He panicked, of course, and called the florist, who said, "Bob, I'm not as worried about you because as we speak, there's a guy being buried who got a dozen roses that said, "Good luck in your new location!"

 

[ddobro2]

I love this one.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

 

[smokijoe]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

 

[lucky rain]

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

 

[Baloo]

Hockey fans, Eh

Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day.
Each was a fan of a different team, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their hockey team.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Canadiens fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Great Montreal Canadiens!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Edmonton Oilers fan threw himself off the mountain shouting "This is for the Oilers!"

Seeing this, the Ottawa Senators fan walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Toronto Maple Leafs fan off the side of the mountain.

 

[ddobro2]

brilliant joke, brilliant signature

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this............"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[Baloo]

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping centre.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two very shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:
"What is this, Dad?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded:
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady stepped through the gap into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and atractive 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father shouts to his son: "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

 

[lucky rain]

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping centre.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two very shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:
"What is this, Dad?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded:
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady stepped through the gap into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and atractive 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father shouts to his son: "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

hahhhahhaah good one

 

[shamsia]

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping centre.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two very shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:
"What is this, Dad?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded:
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady stepped through the gap into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and atractive 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father shouts to his son: "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

Hahahaha!

 

[shamsia]

After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be a smooth one the rest of the way. He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"