IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[nthalork]

Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too?

Many millennials are opting for a relatively new hobby called shopping. This is mainly because of increasing disposable income and their desire to stay updated with the latest trends. I believe that they should also be motivated to pick up other hobbies such as playing games or social service.

One of the preponderant reasons behind this trend are the higher disposable income of the younger generation. This means that they can spend more money on purchasing goods and services, consequently, they end up spending more leisure time shopping than other hobbies. For instance, the average household income in the UK increased by 100 percent in the last 5 years while inflation has just increased by 40 percent. Moreover, they do not need to save for future uncertainties unlike their predecessors as most of the risks can be covered by a simple insurance policy. In addition, most youngster want to follow the latest trend of the market. Therefore, they spend an increasing amount of time purchasing the latest clothes and gadgets more frequently.

Although shopping is considered a good way of spending their pastime, youngsters should be encouraged to adopt other leisure activities like outdoor sports and volunteering for local community. This is because while outdoor games will make them more physically and mentally fit by burning some extra calories and providing much needed exercise to body parts, social services can raise their awareness about the local issues and community problems, which will help them become more socially responsible citizen.

To conclude, modern generation is spending an increasing amount of time doing shopping. Higher spare income and their desire to stay updated with the latest trend and technologies are the main reason behind this phenomenon. I am of the opinion that other pastime activities such as sports and communities service should be encouraged to make them fit and socially concerned citizens.

 

[AB17]

This time again I just got 6.5 in writing. Missed the desired band in the listening section too hence won't be going for revaluation. Planning to take it again in two week's time.

Kindly evaluate this piece of writing and suggest ways to improve this.

Childhood obesity is increasing at rapid rates in developed countries.
What are some of the causes of this problem? What are some ways in which childhood obesity rates can be reduced?

The children in developed nations are becoming obese at an accelerating rate. While consumption of processed food and lack of physical exercise are considered to be the main causes of this, higher taxation on fast food products(increasing the prices of the processed foods) and mandatory physical education in schools can ameliorate this situation (issue).

One of the preponderant causes of fatness among young children is excessive consumption of fast food products. This is because ( here you should have talked about why children are excessively consuming fast foods) these foods products are high in fats and calories than traditional food items, which makes them gain weight faster than other healthier food such as fruits and vegetables.(But you instead explained why fast food is unhealthy) For example, a regular burger contains almost double the fat and calories than a flat round bread of the same quantity. Another reason for this situation is a negligible amount of physical activities among youngsters.(children). Physical activities are necessary to burn some calories, which help fatness and weight among these children.(which children) For instance, research by the Medical Council of Spain has discovered that regular morning walk can reduce the risk of childhood obesity by 50%.

One of the most effective methods to overcome this situation is levying a higher percentage of tax on junk food.(Do children understand taxation) As a result, these products will become an expensive and lesser number of juvenile(wrong usage, this is not a law report) will consume them, which will make them gain less fat and calories. Moreover, the introduction of compulsory physical health classes in school is another way to control obesity. A compulsory class will ensure that they do the exercises on a daily basis and understand the long term benefits of fitness. As a result, these fitness exercises will help them burn some fatness and become physically active. (fitness exercises they will become physically active and therefore, will help them burn fatness). I am not liking the words fatness are you sure its a formal synonym for obesity..?

To recapitulate, an increasing number of teenagers are becoming obese in developed nations. This is mainly because of unhealthy dieting habit and limited physical activities. This situation can easily be improved by making these food items expensive and introducing compulsory physical education in academies.

You are missing on Task Achievement that's why not scoring 7.
Prompt statement can be divided in two parts. First talks about childhood obesity and the second one about obesity in developed nations. Now, reading your essay if i remove world children everything still holds true because you are talking about overall obesity and not addressing obesity in children. Also, you didn't talk about obesity in developed countries.

 

[AB17]

Shopping has become a new favourite for younger generation. why is this the case? should we encourage them to develop other hobbies too?

Many millennials are opting for a relatively new hobby called shopping.(Shopping is not a new hobby, been there for ages). If your opening statement has mistakes you are not scoring 7. This is mainly because of increasing disposable income and their desire to stay updated with the latest trends. I believe that they should also be motivated(are they being motivated for something else as well) to pick up other hobbies such as playing games or social service.

One of the preponderant reasons behind this trend are the higher disposable income of the younger generation. This means that they can spend more money on purchasing goods and services, consequently, they end up spending more leisure time on shopping than other hobbies. For instance, the average household income in the UK increased by 100 percent in the last 5 years while inflation has just increased by 40 percent.(wrong example) Moreover, they do not need to save for future uncertainties unlike their predecessors as most of the risks can be covered by a simple insurance policy. In addition, most youngster want to follow the latest trend of the market. Therefore, they spend an increasing amount of time purchasing the latest clothes and gadgets more frequently.

Although shopping is considered a good way of spending their pastime, youngsters should be encouraged to adopt other leisure activities like outdoor sports and volunteering for local community. This is because while outdoor games will make them more physically and mentally fit by burning some extra calories and providing much needed exercise to body parts, social services can raise their awareness about the local issues and community problems, which will help them become more socially responsible citizen.

To conclude, modern generation is spending an increasing amount of time doing shopping. Higher spare income and their desire to stay updated with the latest trend and technologies are the main reason behind this phenomenon. I am of the opinion that other pastime activities such as sports and communities service should be encouraged to make them fit and socially concerned citizens.

Same issue as your previous one. Young People = 10-24 age group... the one which is mostly studying. So higher disposable income?

 

[Maha02]

Hi,

Someone please review my essay and tell me which band I can get.

Some people think media should be allowed to publicize information on someone’s private life. Some others believe that media should be regulated in this regard. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answers and relevant examples.





Media plays a vital role in dispersing information to larger audience in a smaller span of time. A fair amount of people believe that media can invade the privacy of an individual, while others opine that regulations must be imposed on publishing personal information. I certainly accord with the former opinion, because it affects the personal life and promotes criticism. Let us delve deeper into a discussion.

To embark on, media increases the curiosity about the happenings on celebrity’s life. Their personal interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes are shared with a throng of people who follow them. Nowadays, famous personalities by themselves share an information about them in the social media networks. For example, a report states that, the sale of a health drink is increased by 10 percent after publicizing that a renowned cricketer also uses the same drink.

On the contrary, at several times media creates an awful situation for the celebrity by releasing false rumours. Thus, the social status of a person is badly affected and his reputation is being questioned. Furthermore, invading their personal life creates lots of havoc among their family members. For example, in 2017 a political party lost its support due to the leak of improper information by media. In spite of proving the information as fake, the concerned politician did not gain people’s and his family’s support thereafter.

To conclude, I will concede that media helps public to enjoy commercial news, but it must not be on the scrutiny of other’s personal emotions. Staying within the boundaries and preventing the spread of false rumours can be followed.

 

[Tomtom90]

Help guys I have written IELTS seven time. I keep getting a band 6.5 in writing. Please could you look through my essay. Thanks

Essay question: most high level positions in companies are filled by me even though the work force inany developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a true fact that many companies in developed nations are recruiting women more than men. Although women may get stressed psychologically when managing both the home front and office tasks, I am of the opinion that if they are more employed than men, then they are up to task to occupy executive positions.

There are a number of reasons why companies should be mandated to allot percentages of top ranked positions to women. Firstly, they are intelligent. For example, most women excel more than men in universities because they have higher iq to study and comprehend faster. Secondly, women have innate managerial skills. If women can manage raising more than one children and effectively carry out their office tasks then they are exceptional in multitasking and attaining good results.

However, there are significant drawbacks to companies that give women the opportunity to occupy managerial positions. First of all, these could result in stress. Women are more vulnerable to health issues than men, since they have to maintain good balance in their home and work, which could be tasking and physically demanding. Further more, emotional imbalance in women could lead to depression, high blood pressure and stroke.

In conclusion, while women could fall I'll while trying to multitask in their home and work, I believe the positive sides are far greater than any possible disadvantages. It is recommended that women that are in top positions should employ home caregivers to help them organise their home.

 

[SolwayFirth]

Help guys I have written IELTS seven time. I keep getting a band 6.5 in writing. Please could you look through my essay. Thanks

Essay question: most high level positions in companies are filled by me even though the work force inany developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a true fact that many companies in developed nations are recruiting women more than men. Although women may get stressed psychologically when managing both the home front and office tasks, I am of the opinion that if they are more employed than men, then they are up to task to occupy executive positions.

There are a number of reasons why companies should be mandated to allot percentages of top ranked positions to women. Firstly, they are intelligent. For example, most women excel more than men in universities because they have higher iq to study and comprehend faster. Secondly, women have innate managerial skills. If women can manage raising more than one children and effectively carry out their office tasks then they are exceptional in multitasking and attaining good results.

However, there are significant drawbacks to companies that give women the opportunity to occupy managerial positions. First of all, these could result in stress. Women are more vulnerable to health issues than men, since they have to maintain good balance in their home and work, which could be tasking and physically demanding. Further more, emotional imbalance in women could lead to depression, high blood pressure and stroke.

In conclusion, while women could fall I'll while trying to multitask in their home and work, I believe the positive sides are far greater than any possible disadvantages. It is recommended that women that are in top positions should employ home caregivers to help them organise their home.

Overlooking the various typos and grammatical mistakes in your essay, the question is essentially asking "Why, even thou majority of the work force consists of females, are high level positions filled by males? Should companies reserve certain designations for females only?"

You are not developing the argument to either of these questions in your essay. Coming to the conclusion that women have innate managerial skills because they handle more than one child along with their professional life is amateurish at best. Your final conclusion is also not in line with the question asked.

Pro tip 1: Draw an outline before you start any task in writing. Develop the idea and argument to the questions asked. Doing this means you have half the battle won. In this case, think of reasons why men are holding majority of the senior positions even though there is more than 50% women in the junior positions. One could be because women, after a few years of professional work, take time off to have children, have a family. This essentially means their career is normally on hold. Employers could use this reason to prefer men over women. Some industries require the male touch in management positions as they tend to connect more with the industry like, sports industry, construction, mining, military etc. On the contrary industries where women have a leg up are fashion, media, entertainment etc.

Pro tip 2: When they ask "To what extent", your opinion or conclusion does not have to be black and white. It can be any shade of grey. In this case, you don't have to totally agree or disagree that women need to have a certain percentage allocated in senior management. You can conclude with the fact that it depends of multiple factors like industry, circumstances / vibe of the industry, salary offered, etc.

Pro tip 3: Have a logical flow to the essay. In this case Intro > body 1 (tackle first question) > body 2 (tackle 2nd question) > conclusion.

 

[waliyat]

note: I think this is the best source to know what cohesion and coherence is.

Dear All,

Can some one please advise ho Sarkari Result Pnr Status 192.168.1.1 w much should i score in IELTS for PNP.
I have graduated from a university from India and post graduation from University of wales UK.
Total 7+ years of full time Work experience in UK and Dubai from MNC Companies.

Can someone please advise from your experiences ,thanks in advance.

 

[cansha]

Oh you're moving for good now? I kinda assumed you'd been here a while.

Welcome to Canada (for good!). It's a great place

Ha ha no just 2 weeks old today ... Thanks for the welcome!

 

[cansha]

@cansha

Computers are increasingly used in education. In which areas do you think are computers more important and in which areas are teachers more important?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.

Use of computers in the area academics is growing these days. Ok fair.
I have two issues with the following line. Question is "In which areas do you think" ... "You think"

While computers are being used for complex calculations and research & development, First issue this sentence is framed as a fact and not your thought. Second how is R&D related to education? Is it clear?
teachers play a pivotal role in training primary school children along with teaching some crucial theoretical concepts. Is it fact? Or do you think this is the area where teachers matter more. Are you answering the question asked? What do you think?

See content and ideas need to be tailored to make sure you are answering the question - Task Response and C&C. Ok Let's go ahead.


To begin with, This phrase is getting used a lot. Just look around on this thread and every second essay has it. Now when this thread started this phrase was suggested as a replacement for "First and foremost" Now this sentence has become the new "First and foremost". So what should you do. Force yourself to avoid it.
science plays a key role in research and development. Don't like sentences which assumed that reader will know WHY? It is abrupt ending. My suggestion is that more often than not make sure first sentence is your idea / theory / argument and not a generic statement.
People, in general do research on topics which doesn't don't have any proven answers and they must be dependent on computers to search for the right information as these machines can pool information from around the world and make it available for researchers.
For instance, a recent survey shows that the use of computers has grown 200% in the field of research and development in the last decade. Furthermore, students who work on mathematics involving large numbers and formulas, are dependent on computer as it gets difficult to compute all complex calculations on paper. Therefore, computers are very popular among researchers and mathematics students. I can clearly see you are fishing for ideas here and trying to fill a paragraph. Happens you won't always have good ideas but important is to go back and make sure you write a few in your idea bank so that you can handle similar topics better later.


On the other hand, Although not really incorrect, I find use of "On the other hand" when the first para didn't have "On the one hand" very odd. Just my personal preference may be. But in any case this is another overused phrase.
teachers play a vital role in teaching primary school students as they are not well versed with versed What happened here?
with computers and would require someone to teach them basic of all essential subjects. Hmmm... so your argument is kids needs teachers because they don't know how to use computers .. have you met a kid recently .. LOL ... Point is even in some schools kids have iPads.
Moreover, every student needs to go through some basic theory classes before they do any further work and teachers are the main source of such information. Okay this makes more sense to me
For example, it will be very difficult for a student to understand Einstein's theory of relativity, whereas, it can easily be explained to them by a teacher. So, teachers are essential in early years of education. Weak example. What if I showed them a video on youtube explaining Theory of relativity? Or an animation. Would the teacher still be better?

Overall, I firmly believe that, while the research students and mathematicians appreciate use computers, students of primary schools are more appreciative of having teachers to teach them basics. Both are important at different phases of education.

Weak conclusion.

 

[cansha]

Hi Folks ... Sorry I have been away for almost two weeks now. As some of you may know I finally moved for good to Canada and it came with all the challenges you have when you move to a new country. So took me a while. But really nice to see people still helped each other and provided comments on the essays.

I was looking through the pages and I see quite a few essays were already reviewed. So, I won't review them again. But if your essay was not reviewed please post it again and tag me and I will try to review it.

For anyone new to this thread please read my this post here for my most common feedback items on essay https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

The most important thing to score a 7+ score is Task Achievement / Response. So focus on that and make sure you are answering the question asked. Many essays we see here would be kind of bad essays even in your native language. So, you're not scoring a less score because your English is not good enough. It is because the content is not up to the mark yet. It is relatively easy to fix only if you are focusing on task response and actively trying to improve upon it. There are ton of reviews here so please read reviews of essays other than yours also. You can learn much more that way than just focusing on review of your own essay.

All the best everyone!

 

[Maha02]

Hi Folks ... Sorry I have been away for almost two weeks now. As some of you may know I finally moved for good to Canada and it came with all the challenges you have when you move to a new country. So took me a while. But really nice to see people still helped each other and provided comments on the essays.

I was looking through the pages and I see quite a few essays were already reviewed. So, I won't review them again. But if your essay was not reviewed please post it again and tag me and I will try to review it.

For anyone new to this thread please read my this post here for my most common feedback items on essay https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

The most important thing to score a 7+ score is Task Achievement / Response. So focus on that and make sure you are answering the question asked. Many essays we see here would be kind of bad essays even in your native language. So, you're not scoring a less score because your English is not good enough. It is because the content is not up to the mark yet. It is relatively easy to fix only if you are focusing on task response and actively trying to improve upon it. There are ton of reviews here so please read reviews of essays other than yours also. You can learn much more that way than just focusing on review of your own essay.

All the best everyone!

Hi,

Please review my essay..I posted on Tuesday, but did not get any review comments.


Some people think media should be allowed to publicize information on someone’s private life. Some others believe that media should be regulated in this regard. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answers and relevant examples.





Media plays a vital role in dispersing information to larger audience in a smaller span of time. A fair amount of people believe that media can invade the privacy of an individual, while others opine that regulations must be imposed on publishing personal information. I certainly accord with the former opinion, because it affects the personal life and promotes criticism. Let us delve deeper into a discussion.

To embark on, media increases the curiosity about the happenings on celebrity’s life. Their personal interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes are shared with a throng of people who follow them. Nowadays, famous personalities by themselves share an information about them in the social media networks. For example, a report states that, the sale of a health drink is increased by 10 percent after publicizing that a renowned cricketer also uses the same drink.

On the contrary, at several times media creates an awful situation for the celebrity by releasing false rumours. Thus, the social status of a person is badly affected and his reputation is being questioned. Furthermore, invading their personal life creates lots of havoc among their family members. For example, in 2017 a political party lost its support due to the leak of improper information by media. In spite of proving the information as fake, the concerned politician did not gain people’s and his family’s support thereafter.

To conclude, I will concede that media helps public to enjoy commercial news, but it must not be on the scrutiny of other’s personal emotions. Staying within the boundaries and preventing the spread of false rumours can be followed.

 

[cansha]

Hi,

Please review my essay..I posted on Tuesday, but did not get any review comments.


Some people think media should be allowed to publicize information on someone’s private life. Some others believe that media should be regulated in this regard. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answers and relevant examples.


.

Media plays a vital role in dispersing information to larger audience in a smaller span of time. This line adds no value whatsoever to the essay. Not required.

A fair amount of people believe that media can invade the privacy of an individual, That is an opinion not paraphrasing of topic sentence.
while others opine that regulations must be imposed on publishing personal information. I certainly accord with the former opinion, because it affects the personal life and promotes criticism. My guess is you meant latter and not former. You have killed your essay before it started. One single mistake like that and you lose points for task response and C&C.

Let us delve deeper into a discussion.useless sentence.

To embark on, media increases the curiosity about the happenings on celebrity’s life. Their personal interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes are shared with a throng of people who follow them. Nowadays, famous personalities by themselves share an information about them in the social media networks. For example, a report states that, the sale of a health drink is increased by 10 percent after publicizing that a renowned cricketer also uses the same drink. I don't see an answer to the question asked. Should they be allowed to report on personal life? Social media is not relevant here.

On the contrary, at several times media creates an awful situation for the celebrity by releasing false rumours. Thus, the social status of a person is badly affected and his reputation is being questioned. Furthermore, invading their personal life creates lots of havoc among their family members. For example, in 2017 a political party lost its support due to the leak of improper information by media. In spite of proving the information as fake, the concerned politician did not gain people’s and his family’s support thereafter. Ok this one is on point.

To conclude, I will concede that media helps public to enjoy commercial news, but it must not be on the scrutiny of other’s personal emotions. Staying within the boundaries and preventing the spread of false rumours can be followed

Poor conclusion.It would be tough to get a 7 for this one.

 

[EtaG]

Has anyone used Ielts liz’s paid videos and got the desired score in writing after multiple attempts?

 

[ajaygrewal87]

Hi everyone..I recently appeared for computer delivered IELTS. My scores were LRWS: 8.5,7.5,7.5,7.5. What I personally feel that listening is all about concentration. If u concentrate well u can easily score 8 band. For writing, keep your sentences short and use simple language. Atleast that's what I did. Reading is all about underlining or highlighting the text you feel is important. Speaking you have to go with a mindset that u are going to have a conversation.
That is my point of every one. Thank you and I wish success to eveyone!!!

 

[greatchap]

Hello Everyone,

I gave my IELTS a month ago and scored band 8 and above in all sections expect writing. In writing I scored a band of 6. Since then I have tried to improve my writing a bit. I have the exam scheduled next week. I request you to evaluate a sample letter.

Question
Your local hospital has advertised people to do unpaid work helping at the hospital. You would like to do some work at the hospital in your free time.
Write a letter to the hospital. In your letter
- explain why you would like to do unpaid work at the hospital
- say what type of unpaid work you would be able to do
- give details of when you would be available for this work

You should write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any addresses.

Answer:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Jack and I study in a community college. I came across your advertisement in the newspaper and am interested in doing volunteer work in your hospital.

I like helping people and also have a keen interest in medicine. Ever since I was in high school I would watch documentary in which emergency services would assist people who were injured or unwell. They would treat them on way to the hospital. I would like assist the doctor or nurse in tasks such as bringing medicines from the pharmacy and monitoring basic vitals of patients. I will be happy to do anything else they feel I am capable of.

My exams will be over within a week and thus I am available next week onwards for a month. I would prefer the evenings and can spend up to 4 hours in the hospital. I am looking forward for a positive reply.

Thank you,

Yours sincerely
Jack

Is the above response OK ? What score will I get in the above?