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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

Parm Bhatti

Star Member
Dec 15, 2016
168
30
Plz check this one.

Q. Some people think that it is important to retain capital punishment. Others however, think that it should be abolished.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is a debatable topic, that whether a death sentence for an accused should be sustained, or it might be eliminated from the constitution for many reasons. I tend to agree with the second opinion, because although the death penalty puts a great impact over the criminals, and helpful in reducing the crime rate. Still, it is unethical to kill a human being by the government. I will discuss both aspects in detail in the upcoming paragraphs, followed by a reasoned conclusion for my opinion.

On the one hand, the death penalty to an alleged person could set precedent to others and generate fear for punishment amongst them, which really cuts down the crime rate. If a person has to be penalized for the particular crime like, murder, rape or other anti-social activities, then the people will become aware of the consequences of doing wrong to the society and humans, and this will probably be helpful in curbing the anti-social activities, results in safer environment for the community. A person would think of many times before committing a crime. The best illustration of this is the UAE, where capital punishment is a common practice, and has the lowest crime rate in the world.

On the other hand, killing a human seems to be unethical and pessimistic, showing the failure of the authorities to handle the situation. Because the execution of a criminal would not be kill crime. Apart from this, it may sometime aggravate the condition by imparting feelings of the revenge among the family and friends of the penalized person, that could add more criminals for the society. Besides, the criminal is also a human being and might have faced many issues that lead him to become a criminal, so, sometimes it sounds to be unfair declaring hang till death to a person, without any implementation of the behaviour modification management over them. Therefore, the death punishment should be the last option for a person, if he has not been co-operative in changing his behaviour.

To conclude, although it is legitimately the decision of the government and the court, to give death sentence to an accused for reducing crime rate, yet it is totally my opinion that flexible laws should be made to modify a criminal behaviour, as, that seems to be an unlawful act.
 

Ashinder

Full Member
Aug 19, 2018
21
2
@AB17 , @cansha , @dotslash227

Please review the below essay........Thanks in advance

Q.The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issue involved.Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum.To what extent do you agree or disagree


With the advent of technology and sedentary lifestyle various pernicious diseases like obesity is growing day by day which results in putting stress on the health care system of a country.Some critics consider that incorporating physical education in school curriculum is best way to curb this situation.Hence , I agree with the above approach of launching physical lessons in the school syllabus but at the same time I assert that there are some other factors that can also help in dealing with this problem

To embark with,the school teachers should educate children about the benefits of healthy living as schools are considered to be the best institutes for inculcating good thing in the students.In addition to this they should motivate pupils to take part in outdoor games such as hockey , football and others so that they can remain fit and agile.Furthermore, the institutes should instigate children to use bicycles for commuting rather than using vehicles which would results in making them independent of relying on machines.To exemplify, a study of world health organisation has proved that teenagers who study physical education from the tender age are more lean and fit and are less prone to incessant diseases like obesity.

Nevertheless now the question arises is it only the duty of schools to aware children about physical fitness? No , I suppose that parents also play a pivotal role in teaching healthy eating habits to their children for their holistic development.They should also restrict them from eating junk food like burger , pizza and high calorie drinks so that they can live a salubrious and lean life in future.Moreover, either father or mother should participate in some sports activity so that they can influence their children and encourage them to indulge in physical activities.

In a nutshell I assert that foundation for lifelong good health is laid in schools by involving physical education in their course of study although parents should also step forward and motivate their children to opt physical games to enjoy able bodied and fit life.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,675
5,853
Plz check this one.

Q. Some people think that it is important to retain capital punishment. Others however, think that it should be abolished.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
.


It is a debatable topic, that This is unnecessary. Stop using it. Just paraphrase.
whether a death sentence for an accused should be sustained, or it might be eliminated from the constitution for many reasons. Is the word constitution in the topic sentence? Do not manufacture facts. Point 1.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
I tend to agree with the Verbose. I agree is sufficient
second opinion, because although the death penalty puts a great impact over the criminals, and helpful in reducing the crime rate. Still, it is unethical to kill a human being by the government. I don't like the sentence structure BUT this is GOOD. You have given a glimpse of both ends of argument and given your opinion and reason for that. Well done! But sentence could be better written.
I will discuss both aspects in detail in the upcoming paragraphs, followed by a reasoned conclusion for my opinion. Zero impact line. Stop using this.

On the one hand, the death penalty to an alleged You don't give death penalty to "alleged" person but to a guilty one person could set a precedent to others and generate fear for punishment amongst them, which really cuts may cut down the crime rate. If a person has to be penalized for the particular crime like, murder, rape or other anti-social activities, then the people will become aware of the consequences of doing wrong to the society and humans, and this will probably be helpful in curbing the anti-social activities, results in safer environment for the community. Long sentence with repetitive content.
A person would think of many times before committing a crime. Same argument as first line
The best illustration of this is the UAE, where capital punishment is a common practice, and has the lowest crime rate in the world.Fair enough!

On the other hand, killing a human seems to be Why seems to be? It is your argument? so why not "is" unethical and pessimistic What does this mean?, showing the failure of the authorities to handle the situation. Really?

Because the execution of a criminal would not be kill crime. Good argument but use it better. Get rid of the phrase in red in previous sentence and end the first sentence using this instead. More impactful.
Apart from this, it may sometime aggravate the condition by imparting feelings of the revenge among the family and friends of the penalized person, that could add more criminals for the society. Idea 2
Besides, the criminal is also a human being and might have faced many issues that lead him to become a criminal, so, sometimes it sounds to be unfair declaring hang till death to a person, without any implementation of the behaviour modification management over them. idea 3
Therefore, the death punishment should be the last option for a person, LAST OPTION??? WHY? Are you not arguing it is NEVER AN OPTION!! You have killed your own argument here.
if he has not been co-operative in changing his behaviour.Three different ideas explored but not substantiated and killed your own essay.

To conclude, although it is legitimately the decision of the government and the court, to give death sentence to an accused for reducing crime rate, You have not refereed courts before in the essay why now? yet it is totally my opinion bad phrasing
that flexible laws What does it mean? Where have you mentioned this in your essay? Why new facts in conclusion?
Point 3.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
should be made to modify a criminal behaviour, as, that seems to be an unlawful act

Overall you have ideas but execution is bad and essay has same old mistakes that have been discussed many times over. I will say it again just writing essay is not the solution. Think about what argument you are making and have a logical structure to that.
The only way of scoring a 7 in IELTS is to score well on Task Response and C&C. Yes Grammatical range and lexical resource are important too. But I think improving Grammar and lexical resources is way more difficult to fix in a very short term. The most you can do is to avoid common grammatical errors.

BUT task response can be improved if you put in an effort to organize your thoughts better. All the best!
 

Parm Bhatti

Star Member
Dec 15, 2016
168
30

It is a debatable topic, that This is unnecessary. Stop using it. Just paraphrase.
whether a death sentence for an accused should be sustained, or it might be eliminated from the constitution for many reasons. Is the word constitution in the topic sentence? Do not manufacture facts. Point 1.3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
I tend to agree with the Verbose. I agree is sufficient
second opinion, because although the death penalty puts a great impact over the criminals, and helpful in reducing the crime rate. Still, it is unethical to kill a human being by the government. I don't like the sentence structure BUT this is GOOD. You have given a glimpse of both ends of argument and given your opinion and reason for that. Well done! But sentence could be better written.
I will discuss both aspects in detail in the upcoming paragraphs, followed by a reasoned conclusion for my opinion. Zero impact line. Stop using this.

On the one hand, the death penalty to an alleged You don't give death penalty to "alleged" person but to a guilty one person could set a precedent to others and generate fear for punishment amongst them, which really cuts may cut down the crime rate. If a person has to be penalized for the particular crime like, murder, rape or other anti-social activities, then the people will become aware of the consequences of doing wrong to the society and humans, and this will probably be helpful in curbing the anti-social activities, results in safer environment for the community. Long sentence with repetitive content.
A person would think of many times before committing a crime. Same argument as first line
The best illustration of this is the UAE, where capital punishment is a common practice, and has the lowest crime rate in the world.Fair enough!

On the other hand, killing a human seems to be Why seems to be? It is your argument? so why not "is" unethical and pessimistic What does this mean?, showing the failure of the authorities to handle the situation. Really?

Because the execution of a criminal would not be kill crime. Good argument but use it better. Get rid of the phrase in red in previous sentence and end the first sentence using this instead. More impactful.
Apart from this, it may sometime aggravate the condition by imparting feelings of the revenge among the family and friends of the penalized person, that could add more criminals for the society. Idea 2
Besides, the criminal is also a human being and might have faced many issues that lead him to become a criminal, so, sometimes it sounds to be unfair declaring hang till death to a person, without any implementation of the behaviour modification management over them. idea 3
Therefore, the death punishment should be the last option for a person, LAST OPTION??? WHY? Are you not arguing it is NEVER AN OPTION!! You have killed your own argument here.
if he has not been co-operative in changing his behaviour.Three different ideas explored but not substantiated and killed your own essay.

To conclude, although it is legitimately the decision of the government and the court, to give death sentence to an accused for reducing crime rate, You have not refereed courts before in the essay why now? yet it is totally my opinion bad phrasing
that flexible laws What does it mean? Where have you mentioned this in your essay? Why new facts in conclusion?
Point 3.2
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
should be made to modify a criminal behaviour, as, that seems to be an unlawful act

Overall you have ideas but execution is bad and essay has same old mistakes that have been discussed many times over. I will say it again just writing essay is not the solution. Think about what argument you are making and have a logical structure to that.
The only way of scoring a 7 in IELTS is to score well on Task Response and C&C. Yes Grammatical range and lexical resource are important too. But I think improving Grammar and lexical resources is way more difficult to fix in a very short term. The most you can do is to avoid common grammatical errors.

BUT task response can be improved if you put in an effort to organize your thoughts better. All the best!
Thanks alot for ur tym
I will work on your suggestions n improve TR and CC.
 

Parm Bhatti

Star Member
Dec 15, 2016
168
30
Hey Folks,

I know I have not been able to review all essays in recent times. I did review a few today and plan to finish all others, hopefully, in coming weekend. The issue is that I see all the same mistakes which have been discussed many a times in the past. I understand that you all want a review of your own essay and it is probably time consuming or boring to read other essays but trust me that is the best way to learn and avoiding same mistakes again.

Anyways, I think I was repeating same things again and again in my reviews and hence I have decided to write a post on common mistakes I see in essays here and something you all should be careful about.

1. Introduction: What do I mean when I say weak introduction in my essay reviews? In IELTS introduction is probably one of the most important things and IELTS expects you to write your introduction in a certain way. And it is imperative to follow those unwritten rules for IELTS essays

1.1. Always write a paraphrase line for the topic

1.2. When can you write a generic line in introduction: Write a generic line in the introduction only when the topic line is too short. Sometimes in IELTS topic lines are short and just paraphrasing that line will result in a very short introduction para. In such cases you can open the essay with a generic line and then paraphrase the topic line.

1.3. DO NOT bring in new facts to paraphrase line: So, paraphrase line is just that. Paraphrase the topic line completely and do not bring in either new facts or your opinion in that line. Use the next line to do so.

1.4. DO NOT use the line “This essay will discuss … blah blah”: This line is literally #1 on this list here and should not be used in your essay. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

1.5. DO NOT say there are a number of reasons or there are various reasons …. And then just state 1 or 2 to back up your argument. This is true for opening of Body Paragraph 1 as well.

1.6. DO give a glimpse of your essay in introduction: If you wish to make your essay better / unique always give a glimpse of your essay in the introduction. Basically, if you agree to something give a reason why you think so. And then use the same points to expand in the body paragraphs and make sure to use the same order.

2. Body Paragraphs: Here are some of the common errors I see in body paragraphs which should be avoided

2.1. DO NOT use “…… and I agree”: Many times I see essays where first line of BP is “Some people say …..blah blah blah …(basically repeat of topic line) …., and I agree”. This is such an abrupt ending of the first line. And anyways do not repeat the topic lines again and again. Your opinion should be established in introduction and then come straight to your points in BPs.

2.2. DO NOT use “In other words ….”: This is a personal pet peeve of mine. My opinion you are harming your own essay by writing such a line. You are basically telling the examiner oh I gave an argument and then I will repeat the same argument “in other words”. There is no need to do such a thing. Avoid it!

2.3 DO NOT have one body paragraph longer than other: Well I'm not saying they need to have exact word count but when someone looks at an essay one body paragraph should not look considerably longer than the other. This shows either unbalanced arguments or bad paragraphing.

2.4 DO NOT use "This has profound social and economic impacts":
I have lost count of the essays which claim that the topic under discussion has impacts on society and economy. Well, almost every topic can have that line. Just have a look around in this forum and you will see almost every 2nd or 3rd essay using this argument. This argument is stale. Be more original.

2.5 Structure for whether you agree with option A vs option B:
This is a feedback I have given in almost every review of an essay where question is asking you whether you agree with Option A or Option B. I think a better structure is to write body paragraph for option you disagree with. So, let’s say you agree with Option A. Then write first paragraph about option A and why some people may like it. In the end of the that para write how option A lacks in some areas. Now in body paragraph 2 use those points and show how option B has almost all the advantages of option A but also covers the areas where option A lacks. This I think is a much safer structure to follow.

2.6 DO NOT use sentences like "There is no doubt ...", "It can not be denied that ....", "It is a well known fact that ....", "There is no secret that ...." and all such variations to make an argument. This is also one of my pet peeves. Remember IELTS is looking for your opinion. You may think something is well known but it may not be so. Also, in addition you need to build an argument and not assume something is a universal truth. If you don't agree Liz also has a variation of this on her list #8. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

3. Conclusion: Just like Introduction para IELTS has unwritten rules on how a conclusion must be written. IELTS expects you to revisit all the main points of your essay again in conclusion. The common mistakes to avoid are:

3.1. DO NOT write 1-line conclusion: This can be fixed easily. Please do not write 1-line conclusions. You really need to be a brilliant writer to pull it off. So, please just write at least 2-3 lines in conclusion.

3.2. DO NOT bring new facts / arguments in conclusion: You’re supposed to revisit facts / arguments you already discussed and write them in a different way.

3.3. DO NOT write same lines as introduction: Do not make conclusion another way of writing your introduction paragraph.

I will possibly add more to this post as I remember more common errors and point to this post in my reviews so I’m not repeating myself again and again.

Hope this post helps the current aspirants.
Thanks for this valuable information. I'll try to implement all these.
 

alwezali

Star Member
Mar 2, 2019
113
6
@AB17 , @cansha , @dotslash227 Hi all, i need some information.
In Agree /Disagree essay question, do we have to write 2 different paras supporting same agreement OR
can we write one para of acknowledging one side and other supporting the agreement?
Please clear this out, i,m confused.
thanks
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,675
5,853
@AB17 , @cansha , @dotslash227 Hi all, i need some information.
In Agree /Disagree essay question, do we have to write 2 different paras supporting same agreement OR
can we write one para of acknowledging one side and other supporting the agreement?
Please clear this out, i,m confused.
thanks
Depends on the question. But there is no one correct way. If the question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree" I think you can take one para for other side and use other for your view showing you don't 100% agree or disagree with one point of view but support one more.

If the question is do you agree or disagree I would take one clear position and write both paragraphs supporting that one clear position.
 

dotslash227

Champion Member
Apr 28, 2019
1,846
365
Depends on the question. But there is no one correct way. If the question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree" I think you can take one para for other side and use other for your view showing you don't 100% agree or disagree with one point of view but support one more.

If the question is do you agree or disagree I would take one clear position and write both paragraphs supporting that one clear position.
If it's "agree or disagree" you need to take a one stand one explain it
If it's "to what extent do you agree/disagree", you can discuss both agreements and disagreements in separate paragraphs and conclude with a stand with a supporting fact already mentioned in your essay.

For example, to conclude in "to what extent do you agree to" question, "I believe that there are many advantages of not allowing cell phones in school, however, the need for cell phones of students for their safety inside and outside school triumphs other concerns". In this example, you supported the disagreements for allowing cellphones in school but made your stance/opinion stronger by giving an example that supersedes everything. In case of a "agree or disagree", you have to form a clear opinion and conclude on it.
 

AB17

Star Member
Apr 4, 2019
180
98
I agree with what both said,unless you have really good command over english take a clear position and write essay in that direction.

To high level writers only they can manage to write both positions yet effectively convey the message about which side they agree more with.
 

alwezali

Star Member
Mar 2, 2019
113
6
If it's "agree or disagree" you need to take a one stand one explain it
If it's "to what extent do you agree/disagree", you can discuss both agreements and disagreements in separate paragraphs and conclude with a stand with a supporting fact already mentioned in your essay.

For example, to conclude in "to what extent do you agree to" question, "I believe that there are many advantages of not allowing cell phones in school, however, the need for cell phones of students for their safety inside and outside school triumphs other concerns". In this example, you supported the disagreements for allowing cellphones in school but made your stance/opinion stronger by giving an example that supersedes everything. In case of a "agree or disagree", you have to form a clear opinion and conclude on it.
Thank you so much! the confusion is clear now. God bless you!
 

alwezali

Star Member
Mar 2, 2019
113
6
I agree with what both said,unless you have really good command over english take a clear position and write essay in that direction.

To high level writers only they can manage to write both positions yet effectively convey the message about which side they agree more with.
Got it! i'll stick with one side and write in that direction, no risks involved here.
 

alwezali

Star Member
Mar 2, 2019
113
6
Depends on the question. But there is no one correct way. If the question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree" I think you can take one para for other side and use other for your view showing you don't 100% agree or disagree with one point of view but support one more.

If the question is do you agree or disagree I would take one clear position and write both paragraphs supporting that one clear position.
Thanks Cansha, my confusion is clear now, will probably stick with one side of the argument and develop my essay in that direction.
 

arana123

Full Member
Nov 16, 2018
22
2
Hi @cansha - I am going to take my IELTS exam soon. I have seen that you are trying to help people out in finding out their mistakes, especially in Writing module. I would also like to request you to have a look at my below task 2. I would be grateful, if you could help me out:

Task 2: Tradition and Culture is getting ruined with the rise of technology. Do you agree or disagree? (This is just the essence of the real question)

Below is my response:

It is argued that traditions and cultures will be vanished with the growth of technology and science. This essay agrees that this technical advancement is hammering on traditional values and cultures. Firstly, this will discuss how technical revolution is bringing western culture which is not very welcomed by many countries in the east and secondly, with the help of technology, western movies are being watched and dismantling the relationship chords.

Albeit, technology companies are offering jobs around the globe however, this is a direct way to invite western cultures and traditions. Nowadays, youths are eagerly following western habits such as way of dressing, food habits, etc.Though, there is no harm in in knowing and understanding different culture but leaving own values and inheriting others will certainly diminish the traditional values. For instance, due to the explosion in IT industry in India, a lot of youngsters are not preferring Indian Cuisines and want to have American, Mexican and Italian dishes. Therefore, it is clear that Information Technology is a big reason for disturbing traditions.

Due to the enormous boost in Technology sector, now people have freedom of watching western movies or cinemas which do not match with the eastern countries' traditions. The content of these western movies is not censored, hence there are solid chances of people having a different and uncensored approach. For example, filing for divorce and live in relationship are quite acceptable concept in Western countries however, they are not regular topic to show in Indian movies. Therefore, it is crystal clear that watching western movies gives a direct impact of people's lives and their relationships with their partners.

In conclusion, technical advancement is no good for traditional and cultural values as people are following western cultures and lifestyle and leaving theirs, also, people are getting uncensored content which is impacting people's thought about relationships.
 
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