IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

I'll be more than happy if someone with enough time is willing to spend it on my essay. Thanks in advance.

Prompt:
The large number of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world had led to serious problems of pollution and may contributes to global warming. Some people think that governments should spend money for the development of public transportation systems in order to help solve this problem. Others think it is better to spend money for the development of electric and other types of cars that may cause less pollution.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Essay:

Due to the high number of private cars in circulation across the world, the air contamination and the global warming have significantly worsened. It's (I have mentioned before, do not use contractions in formal essay. Write "It is" instead" it's a small thing to fix so just remember next time) believed by some that governments must allocate more budget to enhance public transportation system, while others bet for more innovating transportation alternatives as a solution. I firmly believe that governments should invest more funds in developing eco-friendly vehicles to tackle this issue.

So introduction is on point. It is good. Only thing I would suggest is that since this is a "discuss both sides" kind of essay before you give your opinion you can actually mention something about both sides. This would have been perfect intro in case the essay question just said give your opinion. Since the essay topic says discuss both sides a better introduction paragraph would be to have some indication of both sides. For example something like (There may still be better ways of doing this)

Although investing in public transport has some benefits, I firmly believe that governments should invest more funds in developing eco-friendly vehicles to tackle this issue.

There is no denying that having a well-connected, safe and reliable public transportation system might have a deterrent effect on citizen to reduce the use of private cars, and therefore, the pollution would may decrease considerably. However, even in this scenario, most people will always prefer driving their own cars, because of the freedom of movement and choice a vehicle provided (provides). So the real benefits would be few. I think one more line here may have made the paragraph perfect.

Overall the paragraph is good. I can see the idea. And I can see the idea flow and progression. Good!

A few things for improvement.

In line one ... the word deterrent is wrong choice. So I understand what you are trying to say but the way you wrote the next part of sentence it made it a double negative. It may be because you are translating from your language .. it happens ..

Let me explain .. now the sentence reads

deterrent .... to reduce use of private cars ... which means you are deterring the reduction in use of cars.

Correct use would be

public transportation would encourage people to reduce use of private cars .. You want to encourage people to use less cars.

or simply say

deterrent .... use of private cars . ... basically remove the word reduce from your sentence. Deter means you want people not to use their car.

I'm not sure if it makes sense to you. Sometimes it is difficult to explain on forum. May have been a 15 second explanation while talking.

Other than that good para but the end seemed a little abrupt. May be one more line to support why the benefits would be limited would have made it really good.

On the other hand, environmentally friendly automobiles are the smarter solution to curb the air pollution. Hybrids vehicles or all electric vehicles consume in on average 35% less petrol and emit less dangerous emissions into the atmosphere. Moreover, these cars are cheaper than conventional ones. It is for all these reasons that the Spanish government, over the last five years, has encouraged and supported financially (financially supported) to the automotive industry to produce more less pollutant cars. (Ok so read this again. more "less pollutant cars" so I understand what you want to say. And may be it sounded correct in your language too but it sounds a little odd in English. I can't really fault the grammar or English here but it's just odd to read. may be say ... produce more environment friendly cars or produce more cars which emit less pollution)

Good paragraph. Again the idea is clear. and there is a progression. But again I think if you added one more sentence it would have become even better. So here is what you argued

Electric vehicles -> less emission hence government supporting automotive industry -> which means cheaper cars .. If you added just one more line saying cheaper electric cars will see wider adoption from people and hence will help more. It would help your argument even more.

But as it is the paragraph is logical to me. And idea is clear.

To sum up, although it is true that a high quality public transportation could reduce the use of particular (private) cars, and, to some extent, keep at bay (nice vocab) the contamination, but it also true that eco-friendly vehicles would definitively have a far reaching impact on reducing the emissions of pollutant gases, and therefore the environment would be less polluted and the climate warming controlled.

Word count: 265

Good

Overall ... as I said in previous essays there is a marked improvement in the way you are now writing essays. Your ideas are clear .. the flow of ideas .. structure is better, logical and easy to read. In this essay I could see good use of vocab also. There are a few suggestions which you can take (if you like).


I think you are on the right track. Keep improving and I hope you will score really good on your IELTS. All the best!

 

[saurabh2004]

Dear Friends,

I am planning to appear for IELTS - GT in Oct'18. I am not very comfortable with my writing skill. Would highly appreciate, if someone can spare time to review my below essay. Thanks in anticipation.

PROMPT
In some places, workers are required to retire at a specific age. In others, workers can retire when they choose.
In your opinion, should there be a mandatory retirement age for all workers.

Essay:

Retirement from work is very important, as it provides as opportunity to young people to enter a job market. However there is always a debate that should there be fixed age for retirement or let the people work upto whatever age they want to before retireing. In my opinion we should follow a mix approach. It should vary with profession to profession. Certain jobs that does not require special skill set, should be having a fixed retirement age but the professions that require niche skill set should be given a flexibility to work without any age criteria.

In my view point, the set of profession that require intensive physical labour, lot of stress, prompt response should retire by specific age. Moreover there are certain jobs that does not require any experience or specific skills, can be provided a fixed retirement date. Example for such professions are military, construction drivers etc.

On the other hand, there are many professions wherein the experience matters a lot for example medical, engineering etc. It’s very important for the society to utilize their skills to the extend they can contribute. At the same time, I feel the role of such people should change after a certain age. It’s better , they should work as advisor or mentor to transfer their knowledge and skill to the younger generation.

To conclude, my opinion in this regard is that we need to follow a more balanced and practical approach rather than a rigid policy. Taking into consideration the various aspects of the job, the retirement age should be decided.

 

[Moeedkh]

A complex sentence had atleast one independent and one dependent clause. there is no limitation as such. Writing a complex sentence is not very "complex". Read this link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_clause_structure

So you mean we can concatenate as many independent/depended clauses we want ?

 

[Moeedkh]

I don't know of any forum for listening but listening is a matter of practice and identifying your problem areas. For example, figure out why you get questions wrong ... Did you just not listen the recording carefully and missed the answer completely or you listened but were confused between two close answers. Is there a particular kind of question set that troubles you? For example, I found the map based questions most difficult. Once you identify your issues you need to practice accordingly.

On spellings ... there is no quick fix. My suggestion would be don't worry about spellings and there is no need for specific preparation. Whenever you write a word during your practice and you're unsure about the spelling, make a note of it and try to remember it for the next time. It would be more than enough.

I improved a lot in listening. I took my course from 6.5 to 7.5, but now my score has stuck at 7.5. I took IELTS twice but I got 7.5 again and again. I particularly have problem in MCQs of section 3 and 4. I dont know how to improve it. I think I listen it correctly but get confused between reading and listening and end up checking wrong answer

 

[cansha]

So you mean we can concatenate as many independent/depended clauses we want ?

Yes, if your sentence makes sense there is no issue

 

[cansha]

Dear Friends,

I am planning to appear for IELTS - GT in Oct'18. I am not very comfortable with my writing skill. Would highly appreciate, if someone can spare time to review my below essay. Thanks in anticipation.

PROMPT
In some places, workers are required to retire at a specific age. In others, workers can retire when they choose.
In your opinion, should there be a mandatory retirement age for all workers.

Essay:

Red - Wrong
Blue - My corrections / additions

Retirement from work is very important, as it provides as an opportunity to young people to enter a the job market.
However,(missing comma) there is always a debate that should there be fixed age for retirement or let the people work upto whatever age they want to before retireing. Very bad phrasing of the sentence.
In my opinion, (missing comma) we should follow a mix approach. Simple sentence
It should vary with profession to profession. Simple sentence
Certain jobs that does do not require special skill set, should be having have a fixed retirement age but the professions that require niche skill set should be given a the flexibility to work without any age criteria.

So grammar wise there are quite a few errors. You need to review the use of articles a, an, the. Google it and review it. Also, too many missing commas.
Idea wise .. There is good idea. But introduction is a bit too long. If you see your essay your introduction para is the longest! You had two simple sentences in intro and the last line of intro is almost like a thesis statement which could have been used as opening line of the next paragraph. You could have combined those two simple sentences and idea from the last sentence to write a good complex sentence and finish the intro on a high.

For example, something like

In my opinion, we should follow a balanced approach and retirement age should be determined by profession / should be dependent on profession / should depend on profession and the skill level required to perform the job.

In my view point, the set of professions that require intensive physical labour, lot of stress, prompt response should retire by specific age. Who should retire?The sentence now reads professions should retire. Missing subject in sentence.

Moreover there are certain jobs that does do not require any experience or specific skills, can be provided a fixed retirement date (age??). Example for such professions are military, construction drivers etc.

You introduced two ideas (good ideas) but did not support or expand them well enough. A possible structure is

Thesis statement <what> ... support statement <why> .... <who if any> ... examples if any

Let's take your first line ... Thesis statement is ... people in jobs with high physical labour and stress should retire at a certain age ... But it ends there ... No support of why you are saying that ... You may think it is obvious that if a person is old, he can't do physical labour ... But please don't expect IELTS examiner to read your mind.

On the other hand, there are many professions wherein the experience matters a lot, for example, medical, engineering etc. It’s (never use contractions in formal essay task 2) very important for the society to utilize their skills to the extend extent they can contribute. At the same time, I feel the role of such people should change after a certain age. It’s better , they should work as advisor or mentor to transfer their knowledge and skill to the younger generation.

Same issue as the second para. You have two ideas in one para but with no sufficient support for the ideas. Ideas are fine and I can understand what you are trying to say but the flow is not good enough for a high band essay. But you're close and need to be careful about making sure you expand on the idea sufficiently.

Read a few previous reviews and some of my previous posts a few pages back.

To conclude, my opinion in this regard is that we need to follow a more balanced and practical approach rather than a rigid policy. Taking into consideration the various aspects of the job, the retirement age should be decided.

Fair ...

 

[saurabh2004]

Red - Wrong
Blue - My corrections / additions


So grammar wise there are quite a few errors. You need to review the use of articles a, an, the. Google it and review it. Also, too many missing commas.
Idea wise .. There is good idea. But introduction is a bit too long. If you see your essay your introduction para is the longest! You had two simple sentences in intro and the last line of intro is almost like a thesis statement which could have been used as opening line of the next paragraph. You could have combined those two simple sentences and idea from the last sentence to write a good complex sentence and finish the intro on a high.

For example, something like

In my opinion, we should follow a balanced approach and retirement age should be determined by profession / should be dependent on profession / should depend on profession and the skill level required to perform the job.



You introduced two ideas (good ideas) but did not support or expand them well enough. A possible structure is

Thesis statement <what> ... support statement <why> .... <who if any> ... examples if any

Let's take your first line ... Thesis statement is ... people in jobs with high physical labour and stress should retire at a certain age ... But it ends there ... No support of why you are saying that ... You may think it is obvious that if a person is old, he can't do physical labour ... But please don't expect IELTS examiner to read your mind.




Same issue as the second para. You have two ideas in one para but with no sufficient support for the ideas. Ideas are fine and I can understand what you are trying to say but the flow is not good enough for a high band essay. But you're close and need to be careful about making sure you expand on the idea sufficiently.

Read a few previous reviews and some of my previous posts a few pages back.



Fair ...

Appreciate your selfless efforts for reviewing and guiding me. Will surely try to rectify my mistakes..Please keep guiding me in future..Thanks

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

It feels good to see this thread growing, we are learning something new everyday, and moving forward toward a common goal, even though we are competitors (admit it !) lol, but still appearing for 4 or more times in IELTS test made us forget everything. Which is a good sign of camaraderie.

@cansha I can't thank you enough or like your every post, Consider this post as one is all, with a big and tight hugggg. Hats off to your work and will to help others, and for careful and insightful reviews.

I will start reviewing essays shortly, right now I am bored, frustrated and sick of ielts.

I will outline more general stuff which will help you guys, review some 9 band essays so we can see what's going on there.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

writer :

Simon Corcoran, ex-IELTS examiner, from Manchester, UK - native speaker - website : ielts-simon.com​

257 words, band 9

My view: he thinks its 9 band, I am sure these days they won't award this essay band 9, 8.5 max or 8

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of
technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make?
Has this been a positive or negative development?

INTRO

It is true that new technologies have had an influence on communication between people.

this line has all vocab, keywords which is making or acknowledging the general situation, just accepting that there is technology, there is influence of it on the communication, there is nothing out of context or shit like that.

Technology has affected relationships in various ways, and in my opinion there are both positive and negative effects.

again keywords, and accepting the fact "affect on relationships"


sentence : 2

for all of you, It is very important to see that, he used the same words from the prompt

Technology
changed = influence
interact = communication
people
positive and negative
affected
relationships

only two words for the vocab, rest is same, that is how you show your vocab and stay on topic.

what you guys do is, change the main keywords to insert the vocabulary. there is no such words like "MANKIND" ( never use this word in your essay )

believe me, Nobody can explain that to you in much simpler terms.
learn to difference between topic keywords and vocabulary.



Body Paragraph : 1

Technology has had an impact on relationships in business, education and social life.

keywords : Technology, relationships
vocab : impact

what is smart about this is he is setting the context in his own words, which means, he changing the narrative, taking the liberty to explain the "affect", by mentioning "business, education and social life"

changing the narrative will broaden your horizon, you will have control over your essay, your choice of vocab and examples, conclusions, It is first smart move you can do it in first sentence of your body paragraph,

that is why its called "general statement"

Firstly, telephones and the Internet allow business people in different countries to interact without ever meeting each other.

its all about business, which first one of three areas "business, education and social life"
keywords as well as vocab : telephones and the Internet
affect : people in different countries to interact without ever meeting each other

affect is the direct answer to this question
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make?

just in case you missed the question above there, Its called answering and sticking to the fucking topic. Got it ???

Secondly, services like Skype create new possibilities for relationships between students and teachers.

now its turn for education which is second from "business, education and social life"
keywords as well as vocab : Skype
affect : new possibilities for relationships

For example, a student can now take video lessons with a teacher in a different city or country.

now an example, shows affect, its pretty obvious and simple, right ?

Finally, many people use social networks, like Facebook, to make new friends and find people who share common interests, and they interact through their computers rather than face to face.

now its turn of " social life "
keywords : social networks , Facebook
affect : make new friends, find people who share common interests, they interact through their computers rather than face to face


sentence : 5

now see, every line is directly related to the topic, every line is telling me something ( meat, content, context, vocab, keywords)

there is logical order, no mess, no scattered thoughts to foolish terms to confuse reader, no use of heavy vocab etc. see the simplicity and obvious facts.

Please for god sake, learn this.

He just explained the ways, affects, and types of people, no mention of negative or positive, see what's going on around.



Body Paragraph : 2

On the one hand, these developments can be extremely positive.

here use of "these" is very clever, good for Cohesion and Coherence, it's referring to all above ways etc.

use of "can be", which is extremely different from "is" which normally 6.5 band writers write.
one is certain, surety, 100%, other is just a possibility, because you never write in absolute terms. nobody knows anything for sure. its academic style of writing, or just say formal.

vocab : developments,extremely
topic keyword remained the same : positive

Cooperation between people in different countries was much more difficult when communication was limited to written letters or telegrams.

its a reason and declaring context, but its exactly on topic because of "communication" "Cooperation " "between people "

just in case you forget above paragraph its second line, which directly related to second line of above paragraph
"telephones and the Internet allow business people"

Nowadays, interactions by email, phone or video are almost as good as face-to-face meetings, and many of us benefit from these interactions, either in work or social contexts.

directly related to third line of first BP, "services like Skype"

I hope by now, you can clearly identify topic keywords and vocab etc.

good= positive
benefit = positive

On the other hand, the availability of new communication technologies can also have the result of isolating people and discouraging real interaction.

its negative, called concession, offering a concession to your own statement/idea/notion is considered as grown up thing, gives good marks in academic university essays, its same like "can be" "could be" or "is" "will"

this thing comes in university essay style guides, every uni has its own writing style guide, a set of rules they abide by. this shit comes from that.


discouraging =negative

For example, many young people choose to make friends online rather than mixing with their peers in the real world, and these ‘virtual’ relationships are a poor substitute for real friendships.

poor =negative

sentence : 5

2 sentences for positive and 2 for negative
because he clearly said that "in my opinion there are both positive and negative effects."
so he is abiding by that, good for him.



Conclusion

In conclusion, technology has certainly revolutionised communication between people, but not
all of the outcomes of this revolution have been positive

"not all of the outcomes of this revolution have been positive"
It is very clever phrasing.
6.5 band writer would write like this
"from above it is clear there is positive and as well as negative developments"
even something worse than this.

its clever because, in few words, he said there are outcomes, yes there are positive ones and negative ones, but not in literal way, its a writing style, you would find that in newspapers, novels, etc

only native user or expert users of English can write like this.


sentence : 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total sentence : 13 - [Good as long as its less than 14]

Now see this
business, education and social life
telephones and the Internet
students and teachers.
new friends and find people
email, phone or video
either in work or social contexts
isolating people and discouraging real interaction

can you note something ?? everything is 2 or 3 in count

now see this
with a teacher in a different city or country
without ever meeting each other
who share common interests
rather than face to face
when communication was limited to written letters or telegrams.
almost as good as face-to-face meetings
rather than mixing with their peers in the real world

read these lines carefully, some of you won't notice this but its advance writing style, presenting the reason or addition, explanation in a sentence.

Every 8 or above essay will contain these things, its pretty much the standard.

now, why i think they won't give him 9

because of using too many common things that everyone is using, its just plain psychology of examiners.
On the one hand
In conclusion,
Secondly
Firstly
Finally

well this my own view, you don't have to agree with it.

Hope you can see this as an standard example of a review.

 

[cansha]

It feels good to see this thread growing, we are learning something new everyday, and moving forward toward a common goal, even though we are competitors (admit it !) lol, but still appearing for 4 or more times in IELTS test made us forget everything. Which is a good sign of camaraderie.

@cansha I can't thank you enough or like your every post, Consider this post as one is all, with a big and tight hugggg. Hats off to your work and will to help others, and for careful and insightful reviews.

I will start reviewing essays shortly, right now I am bored, frustrated and sick of ielts.

I will outline more general stuff which will help you guys, review some 9 band essays so we can see what's going on there.

Thanks for kind words. I’m happy to help and I hope folks find the reviews helpful and it helps them to get higher bands.

I’m sure you would have rocked the writing task this time. Your clarity is amazing! Wish you all the best for your results!

 

[dvm.bilaeen88l]

It feels good to see this thread growing, we are learning something new everyday, and moving forward toward a common goal, even though we are competitors (admit it !) lol, but still appearing for 4 or more times in IELTS test made us forget everything. Which is a good sign of camaraderie.

@cansha I can't thank you enough or like your every post, Consider this post as one is all, with a big and tight hugggg. Hats off to your work and will to help others, and for careful and insightful reviews.

I will start reviewing essays shortly, right now I am bored, frustrated and sick of ielts.

I will outline more general stuff which will help you guys, review some 9 band essays so we can see what's going on there.

Dear Hope and Faith,
I got a real good qoute for you.
Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of Luck. (Dalai Lama)
Your journey with Ielts is about to end.
Your result will surely see you getting CLB 9 this time around.
Just forget about Ielts now and start preparing to submit your application for PR in Canada.
Go and get your documents ready for submission. Forget everything else.
You will cross the line of Ielts this time.
That is what I hope and pray for you.
We will celebrate your success here.
So for now just chill and dont get frustrate. Success is around the corner now.
It might happen that you may get PR in just a month after filing your application.
So stay positive and hopeful.
Regards.
Dr. Bilal

 

[dvm.bilaeen88l]

Thanks for kind words. I’m happy to help and I hope folks find the reviews helpful and it helps them to get higher bands.

I’m sure you would have rocked the writing task this time. Your clarity is amazing! Wish you all the best for your results!

Dear Cansha,
Keep up the good work you are doing to help people in this thread. Its amazing.
I really hope that you will get your golden email very soon asking for your passport for visa stamping.
We both are on same boat, I am also waiting for my PR. That final step is now surely around the corner. In sha Allah.
I hope we both get PR and Hope and Faith gets CLB9 on the same day. We will surely celebrate.
I would also like to wish some real good luck to all of the participants of this thread, either they are taking ielts or waiting for their results. Best of Luck!
Regards,
Dr. Bilal

 

[cansha]

Dear Cansha,
Keep up the good work you are doing to help people in this thread. Its amazing.
I really hope that you will get your golden email very soon asking for your passport for visa stamping.
We both are on same boat, I am also waiting for my PR. That final step is now surely around the corner. In sha Allah.
I hope we both get PR and Hope and Faith gets CLB9 on the same day. We will surely celebrate.
I would also like to wish some real good luck to all of the participants of this thread, either they are taking ielts or waiting for their results. Best of Luck!
Regards,
Dr. Bilal

Thank you for wishes Dr. Bilal. I wish you a speedy PPR as well. I remember you from the Jan AOR thread so your wait is already much longer than mine. I’m at 3 month mark and its the positivity of people like you that keeps me going in this waiting period. Hope we get to celebrate soon!!

 

[dvm.bilaeen88l]

Thank you for wishes Dr. Bilal. I wish you a speedy PPR as well. I remember you from the Jan AOR thread so your wait is already much longer than mine. I’m at 3 month mark and its the positivity of people like you that keeps me going in this waiting period. Hope we get to celebrate soon!!

Dear Cansha,
The pleasure is all mine.
Thanks a lot for your wishes as well.
Yes my wait has been too long considering the fact that I have completed 8 months of my application submission.
But that is what you need to go through in life at times. Its perfectly fine.
I got my CLB9 in second attempt. I was very lucky. Then I got ITA just after 6 hours of submitting my EE profile, due to high CRS. But at last step I had to wait for ages and still waiting. My visa office is London as I am from Pakistan. That visa office has a notorious history of having heavy backlogs. Only thing for which I pray is that my application may not be in SS.
Still its okay. I am happy with all the proceedings till date. Alhumdulillah.
I would like to mention that its actually people like you who deserve to be appreciated a lot. Please keep up helping people here. I would also join you if time permits me.
You will get ppr very soon. That is something I believe. Then it will be celebration time.
I would like to know your nationality.
Best Regards.
Dr. Bilal

 

[cansha]

Dear Cansha,
The pleasure is all mine.
Thanks a lot for your wishes as well.
Yes my wait has been too long considering the fact that I have completed 8 months of my application submission.
But that is what you need to go through in life at times. Its perfectly fine.
I got my CLB9 in second attempt. I was very lucky. Then I got ITA just after 6 hours of submitting my EE profile, due to high CRS. But at last step I had to wait for ages and still waiting. My visa office is London as I am from Pakistan. That visa office has a notorious history of having heavy backlogs. Only thing for which I pray is that my application may not be in SS.
Still its okay. I am happy with all the proceedings till date. Alhumdulillah.
I would like to mention that its actually people like you who deserve to be appreciated a lot. Please keep up helping people here. I would also join you if time permits me.
You will get ppr very soon. That is something I believe. Then it will be celebration time.
I would like to know your nationality.
Best Regards.
Dr. Bilal

I’m from India.