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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

Moeedkh

Star Member
Jan 6, 2016
83
1
Hello everyone, below is latest write up. Kindly review and identify mistakes.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
A zoo has no useful purpose.
Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

Many commercial Zoos are popping up nowadays in the various part of cities and it is not uncommon to have two or three Zoos in a metropolitan city, even local parks have started to keep a small section Zoo section within them. It is often debated that whether there are any social or environmental benefits of building Zoos or they are just commercial entities. In my view, Zoo has many benefits to our ecosystem e.g. animal breeding, kids’ education and parks creation etc.

Extinction of rare breeds has been a major issue of wildlife in today’s world, and Zoo can do a wonderful job of saving these animals, yet they are not fully utilized. Many wildlife organizations believe that animal breeding is a crime, even though it can save many species from extinction. For instance, if an organization starts breeding Rhinosaurs with an intent to sell them, it will not only sell them, but will also preserve them, and meanwhile it will ensure the existence of many Rhinosaurs. In my opinion, Zoo is the best place to have such kind of breeding activity to ensure the existence of many beautiful creatures.

Likewise, Zoo provides a great opportunity to familiarize our kids with animals and educate them about their importance. It is not possible to learn about any animal just by reading about them in books or watching them on TV. For example, one cannot feel the terror of lion without hearing his roar while standing next to him. One cannot admire of beauty of peacock without witnessing it in reality. Therefore, Zoo provides the opportunity to witness the proximity of wild animals and admire their unique characteristics.

Moreover, Zoo serves as a pretext to create parks and open areas in the center of city. In today’s cluttered cities, no land can be left open without any business interest in them and Zoo couples that business interest with the creation of parks. For example, Gandhi Garden Zoo is the only mega park in the center of densly populated city of Karachi.

To recapitulate, Zoo has many benefits associated with them for mankind, as well as wildlife. We should create and maintain Zoos and ought to use them for breeding of beautiful rare species. (282)
 
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H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
Hello everyone, below is latest write up. Kindly review and identify mistakes.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
A zoo has no useful purpose.
Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.
Many commercial Zoos are popping up nowadays in the various part of cities and it is not uncommon to have two or three Zoos in a metropolitan city, even local parks have started to keep a small section Zoo section within them.
[nice setup,long sentence.]

It is often debated that whether there are any social or environmental benefits of building Zoos or they are just commercial entities. In my view, Zoo has many benefits to our ecosystem e.g. [don't write e.g., write for example] animal breeding, kids’ education and parks creation etc.
Extinction of rare breeds has been a major issue of wildlife in today’s world, and Zoo can do a wonderful job of saving these animals, yet they are not fully utilized. [did not explained how they can be fully utilized]

Many wildlife organizations believe that animal breeding is a crime [no need to mention this], even though it can save many species from extinction. [this sentence is out of context = nothing about zoo]

For instance, if an organization starts breeding Rhinosaurs with an intent to sell them, it will not only sell them, but will also preserve them, and meanwhile it will ensure the existence of many Rhinosaurs.
[this sentence is out of context = nothing about zoo (if an organization is not equal to a zoo) ]

In my opinion [leave opinion to intro or conclusion], Zoo is the best place to have such kind of breeding activity to ensure the existence of many beautiful creatures.
English wise, this paragraph is very good. 7 band.
but in task achievement is severely affected, so C&C follows.



Likewise, Zoo provides a great opportunity to familiarize our kids with animals and educate them about their importance. It is not possible to learn about any animal just by reading about them in books or watching them on TV. For example, one cannot feel the terror of lion without hearing his roar while standing next to him. One cannot admire of beauty of peacock without witnessing it in reality. Therefore, Zoo provides the opportunity to witness the proximity of wild animals and admire their unique characteristics.
now this one is better than previous one, every sentence somehow end up explaining about zoo.

Moreover, Zoo serves as a pretext to create parks and open areas in the center of city. In today’s cluttered cities, no land can be left open without any business interest in them and Zoo couples that business interest with the creation of parks. For example, Gandhi Garden Zoo is the only mega park in the center of densly populated city of Karachi.
good enough, just don't confuse reader with zoo and parks, but you related that well.

To recapitulate, Zoo has many benefits associated with them for mankind [never again use this word in your essay ], as well as wildlife. We should create and maintain Zoos and ought to use them for breeding of beautiful rare species. (282)

every thing is nice
 

Moeedkh

Star Member
Jan 6, 2016
83
1
Hello,

Thanks for detailed review... Can you give it an overall rating ? am I getting a 7 overall ?

Rg,
AMK
 

puneet.arora

Star Member
Aug 20, 2018
61
22
USA
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2173
Thanks Puneet.. I am working to get over them. Can you suggest any method to improve my spellings overnight ?
While there is no quick way to improve spelling overnight, I believe half of the spelling mistakes can be taken care of by leaving yourself about 5 mins to proofread your essay / letter. I know this this I did not leave myself any time to review my essay and for sure lost half a band.
 

Moeedkh

Star Member
Jan 6, 2016
83
1
Thats disheartening.. are you sure its 6.5 ? Can you shed further light on it ?
And how can I improve on it ?
 

nabzz

Newbie
Jan 19, 2015
7
0
hi,

I am also the one who is stuck in 6.5 in writing. in my actual exam a month ago I wrote the below essay I got R9, L8.5,W6.5,S7. can anyone please show me my mistakes and suggest how can I improve my essay. I am planning to reappear in the exam soon. many thanks

Some believe that modern technology encourages people social behavior while other people think that it has made people less social.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although it is sometimes argued by some that the internet and computers have played a role in connecting people, others, however assert that technology has made people less social. In my opinion, I believe the technology has made modern society much connected globally but within the community people are less social and distant apart.

On the one hand, technology has played a great role in connecting people from all around the world. Nowadays people know much about other cultures and have developed friendship from other part of the world as compared to before. This is all due to the modem technology and websites that provide the opportunity for people to talk about different subjects of their interest. Facebook is the good example, where people from all around the world can gather together in one forum. This has spawn friendship among people who share similar interests.

On the other hand, modern technology has made people much far apart in communities and less social with people around them. In other words, people want to spend their free time on internet rather than meeting with neighbors and friends. This trend in lifestyle has also been passed on to our younger generation where children like to spend their time playing video games instead of playing outside. Take the example of my children, my sons prefer to play a video game “Fortnite” and chat with their friends online rather than playing with the neighbor’s children of their age group. Thus, technology has played a great role in making communities far apart.

In conclusion, undoubtedly modern technology has bought people together from different parts of the world but it has made communities much isolated and far apart.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,675
5,854
hi,

I am also the one who is stuck in 6.5 in writing. in my actual exam a month ago I wrote the below essay I got R9, L8.5,W6.5,S7. can anyone please show me my mistakes and suggest how can I improve my essay. I am planning to reappear in the exam soon. many thanks

Some believe that modern technology encourages people social behavior while other people think that it has made people less social.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Impressive that you remember what you wrote in the exam a month ago!
It is a decent write up. Let us see what we can improve to get a higher band than 6.5.

Although (wrong use of Although) it is sometimes argued by some that the internet and computers have played a role in connecting people, others, however assert that technology has made people less social. In my opinion, I believe the technology has made modern society much more connected globally but within the community people are less social and distant apart.
English / Grammar: In my opinion / I believe ..... Both mean the same thing. Redundant words. Distant / apart same meaning ... redundant words.
The introduction could be a little better by giving a preview of what is coming in the essay.


On the one hand, technology has played a great role in connecting people from all around the world. Nowadays people know much about other cultures and have developed friendship from other part of the world as compared to before. This is all due to the modem technology and websites that provide the opportunity for people to talk about different subjects of their interest. Facebook is the a good example, where people from all around the world can gather together in one forum. This has spawned friendship among people who share similar interests.
English / Grammar:
First sentence: Nothing really wrong in using on the one hand construct but honestly it has been overused so much. If possible, try a few more ways of structuring these view points essays.
Second Sentence: In school days we were taught that ending a sentence on a preposition is wrong English / bad Grammar. I think it is probably not really considered wrong. But I would avoid ending sentences on a preposition in IELTS. It just sounds wrong when someone is reading it. So basically your sentence can say the same thing if you bring the phrase "compared to before" to the beginning of the sentence.
The vs A . Classic error in usage of Article. It is probably an easy one to fix so please read up on the vs a.
That facebook sentence itself is poorly structured.

Content: Okay so idea is good but the presentation of the idea is pretty basic. For a higher band need to present the ideas in a better way.
For example the very first sentence of the paragraph is just a repetition of your last line of introduction. And since focus is on technology, personally I would switch order of Second and Third sentence.

Basically you are saying ... People know more about others ... this is possible because of websites. So more focus goes on People knowing more which is ok. But topic says did Technology influence that?

I would just switch the idea to ... Technology gave us websites ... hence encouraging people to connect more with others around the world.

On the other hand, modern technology has made people much far apart in communities and less social with people around them. In other words, people want to spend their free time on internet rather than meeting with neighbors and friends. This trend in lifestyle has also been passed on to our younger generation where children like to spend their time playing video games instead of playing outside. Take the example of my children, my sons prefer to play a video game “Fortnite” and chat with their friends online rather than playing with the neighbor’s children of their age group. Thus, technology has played a great role in making communities far apart.
English / Grammar: As I said above on the one hand / on the other is correct but avoid if possible.
You really like the word much. A little variety may help.
Most sentences are simple and hence probably not a higher score.

Content: Same thing as earlier para. The first line of the paragraph is weak. The second line completely redundant. Why do you need to tell the same idea in other words???? And then tell examiner you're saying same thing "in other words"
Here is my problem with the third line. The topic is has technology influenced social behavior of people. You are arguing there is that it has been influenced by generational passing of traits. Do you the problem there?
Last sentence - Same as introduction, same as first line of para.


In conclusion, undoubtedly modern technology has bought people together from different parts of the world but it has made communities much isolated and far apart.
May be 2-3 lines in conclusion would be better. A single line conclusion just looks very weak. Also the way it is currently written do you think it is any different from what has been written in the last line of introduction paragraph?
 

Babukumar

Star Member
Feb 23, 2018
160
112
exact copied from the prompt
It is clear and confusing at the same time. please write more clearly


english seems fine, Logic is murdered brutally.



overall its fine, logic is broken, no clear progression of thoughts, you made a paragraph out of bullet points. which is a dead beat kind of thing.




read all this thread before posting any other essay, same mistake as others, it does make me feel bad.
Thanks for the feedback . I m now in the confusion of what to write exactly. Though i am able to form ideas,I really don't know now after attempting 7 times what to write and how to write.

I have read all the posts, do's and don'ts ...but while writing everything goes in vain.
 
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H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
...but while writing everything goes in vain.
yup, it happens to me too, especially when I write on paper with pencil using my right hand, I make the same mess, on computer I can edit fast, rewrite, so quality is much better.

what I can say, practice more..
 

Babukumar

Star Member
Feb 23, 2018
160
112
yup, it happens to me too, especially when I write on paper with pencil using my right hand, I make the same mess, on computer I can edit fast, rewrite, so quality is much better.

what I can say, practice more..
yeah. Another critical problem is the topic . Whatever topic is given we are thinking and planning for 5 to 10 mins.Then we are writing it for 30 mins. Say we know what all band descriptors means, how to write ,structure , grammar part, so what else is missing ?
 

Immortal111088

Full Member
Aug 2, 2018
22
2
While my last essay on this lies in oblivion as nobody went through it, I again request all or anyone of you to go through my new essay. I shall be more than thankful and besides I have my exam this weekend and getting a feedback can change my score from 6.5 to 7.
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

We live in the age where private data travels faster than the speed of light. Companies usually access the personal information of potential job seekers along with their professional expertise.While some disregard it as an irrelevant practice, I tend to believe that a person's character and potential can be judged by his/her personal traits.

People who feel that seeking confidential information during professional interviews is against our right to privacy.Mainly because they think that an individual's personal life is sacred and its misuse can cause havoc and lead to obnoxious consequences. For example a social networking website leaked the private data of all its employees creating a ruckus in their domestic and professional life. In contrast if particulars such as hobbies, interests, marital status and many more are disclosed during job process,then it can lead to efficient hiring.

I personally feel that private traits of a being reflect a lot about his/her competence and ethos. A person's favorite pastimes,inherent virtues and vices and living environment can help decide parameters for a job. For instance a person who is good at painting and art can be an excellent choice for a computer graphics designer post. Although companies run a background check of potential employees, it is their amateur interests and extra information which help employers decide their fate. On the contrary, if personal information is not revealed by job seekers, it can lead to inconsistent and inefficient employment.

In conclusion, it may seem that sharing private details during a job interview is not righteous, but it is vital in today's competitive world to present yourself as a secure and confident candidate. Thus, i strongly adhere to the notion of asking personal data of potential aspirants while hiring.
 

H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
yeah. Another critical problem is the topic . Whatever topic is given we are thinking and planning for 5 to 10 mins.Then we are writing it for 30 mins. Say we know what all band descriptors means, how to write ,structure , grammar part, so what else is missing ?
I admire this guy, ex-ielts examiner



https://www.youtube.com/user/EnglishRyan/videos

Watch me write an IELTS essay!

How to write the very first sentence in your IELTS essay

and many more, you can download his stuff from torrent also, he is one of the best.
 

H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
While my last essay on this lies in oblivion as nobody went through it, I again request all or anyone of you to go through my new essay. I shall be more than thankful and besides I have my exam this weekend and getting a feedback can change my score from 6.5 to 7.
okay, then I go line by line, which means sentence by sentence, writing "sentence" is hard

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Lets dissect prompt first,

one say
personal information is relevant and useful
others say
it is not relevant or useful

we have to discuss both
then we need to give our opinion.

expecting a neutral intro.


We live in the age where private [this line fine without this word] data travels faster than the speed of light.
Its data, no matter what kind of
however, this line is irrelevant to the topic, so avoid this kind of stuff,

Companies usually access [how ?, I feel its odd, and wrong choice of word] the personal information of potential job seekers along with their professional expertise.

While some disregard [ again wrong word choice, regard ] it as an irrelevant practice, I tend to believe that a person's character and potential can be judged by his/her personal traits.
see you can believe whatever you want, like there are aliens and UFOs
got it ?
first, you gave your opinion in intro, which is bad because you need to discuss both sides.
second, its okay if you are giving it in intro, but are you answering the question ?
no you don't
because you don't know what the question is!
so, here's question


Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single,
Do you think this information may be relevant and useful ? or give your opinion.

can you see this question ??

what would be your answer to this question ?

your answer is
While some disregard it as an irrelevant practice, I tend to believe that a person's character and potential can be judged by his/her personal traits.

by any chance can you see that question is fully answered by your answer ??

any relevancy ???
nope there is not.
key words are
personal information (hobbies,interests,marital status ) >>> relevant and useful
there is no judging in the question.

I hate it when I have to explain the question with such a sarcasm.

a simple line would answer the question.
In my personal opinion, I believe that to some extent this/such information is useful and relevant for employer as they are crucial to planning etc. which is further beneficial for the aspiring candidate.

something like this shitt.


People who feel that seeking confidential information during professional interviews is against our right to privacy. [incomplete sentence]

Mainly because they think that an individual's personal life is sacred and its misuse can cause havoc and lead to obnoxious consequences. [incomplete sentence - irrelevant, wrong use of heavy words]

For example, a social networking website leaked the private data of all of it's employees creating a ruckus in their domestic and professional life. [grammatical errors ]

In contrast if particulars such as hobbies, interests, marital status and many more are disclosed during job process,then it can lead to efficient hiring. [how ? unexplained idea = bad thing ]
you talked about both sides, bad for you.
one paragraph must contain one central idea.


I personally feel that private traits of a being reflect a lot about his/her competence and ethos.

A person's favorite pastimes,inherent virtues and vices and living environment can help decide parameters for a job.

For instance a person who is good at painting and art can be an excellent choice for a computer graphics designer post.

Although companies run a background check of potential employees, it is their amateur interests and extra information which help employers decide their fate.

On the contrary, if personal information is not revealed by job seekers, it can lead to inconsistent and inefficient employment.
you don't know how to write a paragraph, are you following this thread ? read everything before posting another essay.

In conclusion, it may seem that sharing private details during a job interview is not righteous, but it is vital in today's competitive world to present yourself as a secure and confident candidate. Thus, i strongly adhere to the notion of asking personal data of potential aspirants while hiring.
I can't count grammatical mistakes, but LOGIC is murdered big time.

you can get 6.5 but 6 is also possible.

you need to learn alot, go and read every book out there, and this thread.
 

puneet.arora

Star Member
Aug 20, 2018
61
22
USA
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2173
While my last essay on this lies in oblivion as nobody went through it, I again request all or anyone of you to go through my new essay. I shall be more than thankful and besides I have my exam this weekend and getting a feedback can change my score from 6.5 to 7.
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

We live in the age where private data travels faster than the speed of light. Companies usually access the personal information of potential job seekers along with their professional expertise.While some disregard it as an irrelevant practice, I tend to believe that a person's character and potential can be judged by his/her personal traits.

People who feel that seeking confidential information during professional interviews is against our right to privacy.Mainly because they think that an individual's personal life is sacred and its misuse can cause havoc and lead to obnoxious consequences. For example a social networking website leaked the private data of all its employees creating a ruckus in their domestic and professional life. In contrast if particulars such as hobbies, interests, marital status and many more are disclosed during job process,then it can lead to efficient hiring.

I personally feel that private traits of a being reflect a lot about his/her competence and ethos. A person's favorite pastimes,inherent virtues and vices and living environment can help decide parameters for a job. For instance a person who is good at painting and art can be an excellent choice for a computer graphics designer post. Although companies run a background check of potential employees, it is their amateur interests and extra information which help employers decide their fate. On the contrary, if personal information is not revealed by job seekers, it can lead to inconsistent and inefficient employment.

In conclusion, it may seem that sharing private details during a job interview is not righteous, but it is vital in today's competitive world to present yourself as a secure and confident candidate. Thus, i strongly adhere to the notion of asking personal data of potential aspirants while hiring.
This will most probably get you a 6, 6.5 if you are lucky.

1. The first sentence (We live in the age...) is not needed. Over-generalizations will impact your score negatively. Stick to the topic. Stay away from Jay's videos for IELTS writing if that is what you've been watching. Refer to ieltsliz.com.

2. 2nd sentence should be 'While some disregard it as an irrelevant practice, others believe...'. Don't be too quick to give your opinion since you need to discuss both sides.

3. 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph ends abruptly and the 2nd sentence starts abnormally.

4. Do not use complex vocabulary if you are not sure about it (havoc, obnoxious, private (personal) traits).

5. Each paragraph should have one central idea. Do not discuss both advantages and disadvantages in the same paragraph.

6. Many grammar mistakes which can be easily avoided.

Most of these can be fixed with some practice as you do seem to have a fairly good command on the language and decent writing abilities.

Good luck!