Hi!
The structure of your intro is so much better now, your opinion is stated very clearly. And I also like your approach, when you say “it’s bad for individuals, but good for business”, this way you’ve left yourself some space to develop two different main ideas, so you won’t be lacking words or ideas when you start writing the essay. The overall structure of your essay if also fine.
But as for the task response, as far as I could understand you almost didn’t cover that criteria. Why?
1. You were not asked about businesses saving money or spending. The question says “Many PEOPLE”, so if you wanted to talk about businesses, you should’ve talked about why more people spending money is good for business and not why businesses should spend money themselves. Like you could say the more people consume the higher companies’ earnings are.
2. I don’t think saving and investing is the same. Actually, I’m almost sure those two words have opposite meanings, because if one decides to save his money he won’t invest in anything, but rather he’ll just keep it.
Now, about paraphrasing:
ou should use “people” as a plural form of “person”. Because (copied from Cambridge dict.)
“Persons (plural) is a very formal word. We only use it in rather legalistic contexts:
- Any person or persons found in possession of illegal substances will be prosecuted.
To refer to groups of human beings or humans in general, we use people.
- I saw three people standing on the corner.”
In general, a proper (for band 7+) paraphrasing is not about replacing every single word with a synonym. It’s more like translating the initial meaning of the sentence in your own way. So, if it were you to write the question, you would still use “some people”, then why not to leave it like that? It’s dangerous to replace all the words especially for non-native speakers, cuz we often pick wrong synonyms, because in my mother tongue person and people might have the same meaning, but it’s not the same in English. Again, if you didn’t replace “saving“ with “investing” you probably wouldn’t have your whole essay gone wrong.
Maybe you could say “Many people choose to spend (opt for spending) their earnings rather than keeping those”. So here I changed “money” with “earnings” and “saving” with “keeping”, but I didn’t change neither “people” nor “spending”. Though not claiming this is a perfect paraphrasing at all.)))) Or you could keep “saving” and change “spending“ with “using”... Besides, if the question says “spend” and you modify the word to “spending” you already show the examiner that you know grammar and that you can freely play with words.
Another point (I used to make this mistake often, too). Instead of answering to the question “why people spend more” you’ve answered to “why people shouldn’t save more”. The answer seems to be the same in both cases, but it’s not. So instead of describing the drawbacks of saving money (investing, in your case) you could talk about why people consume more - e.g. consumption is aggressively promoted by the West; the future is more uncertain than ever, so they prefer to spend whatever they’ve earned right away etc. It’s not wrong to do it the way you did, but it’s dangerous, because you might get off the track easily.
And finally, it seems to me you’ve gone too far with your accounting/auditing background))) describing business processes of an organization in detail. When I said write about aspects you’re most familiar with, I didn’t mean provide the examiner consulting services.)))) What you wrote in your last BP (if not to focus on the fact that it doesn’t respond to the question) can be described in 1 sentence - The more businesses invest in processes like purchasing and marketing, the more revenues they will generate. P.s. I liked the example.
Well done with the conclusion.
