How to cope with a spouse who has recently landed?

[chickenkiev]

Habibti , I sincerely hope you are able to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat with this undertaking. I really hope you have a "real world" support network other then family members, who will listen to you and give you advice.
I actually spent friday evening reading your story. I find you to be a very sincere, trusting and caring lady. Unfortunately, these commendable character traits also could make people such as yourself a prime target for persons with ulterior motives.
There is so much I could say , but it is not my place to comment specifically. However I will add that when I weighed the pros and cons of your story, IMVHO I am left very worried. I would explore the feasibility and legalities of transferring title to your now "matrimonial home" to your mum, dependant on your equity value. Nor would I undertake any co-signing of any type of loan, be it personal or business, nor collatoral signing of your home, for a minimum of 2 years of stable marriage.
We hope for the best but it is prudent to plan for the worst. Personally, I have a substantial net worth so my trust is not given easily , nor without limits. I am a middle aged, divorced, 3rd generation canadian. I was not born yesterday...
I consider myself LUCKY, that my pr application was submitted just after the rules changed in Oct. 2012. I read this forum about pr denials where the canadian citizen sponsor is upset with the Visa Office or Interviewer for denying them and posting a tirade of injustice befallen them. In my thinking, I would ask myself "what does this VO know or strongly suspect, that I am overlooking." And for those who were born and raised in this country, don't ever kid yourself our place of birth was not a factor for our spouses. ( I am speaking of non-visa exempt countries).
May God be with you Habibti.

 

[figtoria]

Hi Habibti,

I'm sorry to hear about all your trials. I've followed your story for several months now and was wondering if things had improved. I'm so sorry that they haven't.

I do have a question though - I can't remember - did your husband visit Canada before he arrived here permanently? Because it would worry me quite a bit that he is talking about the "decadence of western society" and that he doesn't like you wearing ordinary summer dresses that most Canadian women wear.

Canada is a very liberal country. If a religious environment was what your husband was hoping for, he is bound to be disappointed. Canada is also a very secular society and we like it that way! He is going to see all kinds of women in summer dresses, as is normal in our country.

I don't want to make you sad, but if I were you, I would be worried that he has chosen the wrong country to immigrate to.

 

[Habibti]

Interesting thread.

I was concerned about how well my wife would adapt to life here and us together but after 3 weeks she feels completely at home.

I have made a point of referring to my stuff as our stuff (our house, car, tv, etc). I had stopped all my renovation when our relationship became serious so she wouldn't be moving into a "guy" house. She will now be able to be involved in the reno's so she can put her own stamp it. Also letting her find her own space to put her stuff and relocating my stuff I think made her feel less like a guest at the beginning. The only way for people to adjust to a new environment is if they can have a little of their old environment to make things seem familiar.

We took care of all her Canadian paperwork in the first week so that by the second week they would start to arrive by mail. Every time she got a piece of mail with her name on it at our address it made it all the more real that she is here.

My wife is a Catholic and I'm an atheist but I go to church with her every Sunday. Its a German Catholic church with a Dutch priest and an entirely Filipino congregation...LOL....the priest and I are the only white guys in the building. The guy that believes the most and the guy that believes the least.

I'm paying all the bills as sponsors do until she finds a job. She is sending out resumes everyday using Google to check out the company website and maps to note their location. I ask her if she needs any help but for the most part I just quietly support her.

How we rate on a day to day basis is much more as best friends then husband and wife. We split the work around the house and the cooking. We use the weekends to explore the city and the province. I think we both accept that their will be tough times every now and then but will have to see them through as a team.

Sending you both my best wishes! Thank you for sharing. It was interesting to read and have additional feedback

 

[Habibti]

Habibti , I sincerely hope you are able to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat with this undertaking. I really hope you have a "real world" support network other then family members, who will listen to you and give you advice.
I actually spent friday evening reading your story. I find you to be a very sincere, trusting and caring lady. Unfortunately, these commendable character traits also could make people such as yourself a prime target for persons with ulterior motives.
There is so much I could say , but it is not my place to comment specifically. However I will add that when I weighed the pros and cons of your story, IMVHO I am left very worried. I would explore the feasibility and legalities of transferring title to your now "matrimonial home" to your mum, dependant on your equity value. Nor would I undertake any co-signing of any type of loan, be it personal or business, nor collatoral signing of your home, for a minimum of 2 years of stable marriage.
We hope for the best but it is prudent to plan for the worst. Personally, I have a substantial net worth so my trust is not given easily , nor without limits. I am a middle aged, divorced, 3rd generation canadian. I was not born yesterday...
I consider myself LUCKY, that my pr application was submitted just after the rules changed in Oct. 2012. I read this forum about pr denials where the canadian citizen sponsor is upset with the Visa Office or Interviewer for denying them and posting a tirade of injustice befallen them. In my thinking, I would ask myself "what does this VO know or strongly suspect, that I am overlooking." And for those who were born and raised in this country, don't ever kid yourself our place of birth was not a factor for our spouses. ( I am speaking of non-visa exempt countries).
May God be with you Habibti.

Thank you chickenkiev! The title of the house is at my name and my beneficiary persons are my son and my mother. Once the 3 years period pass, I will make decision regarding my husband. If he continues working hard and contributing, it is fair to think of him too eventually.

I wish my application had been submitted after the rules changed... I guess it is a leap of faith in my case!

 

[Habibti]

Hi Habibti,

I'm sorry to hear about all your trials. I've followed your story for several months now and was wondering if things had improved. I'm so sorry that they haven't.

I do have a question though - I can't remember - did your husband visit Canada before he arrived here permanently? Because it would worry me quite a bit that he is talking about the "decadence of western society" and that he doesn't like you wearing ordinary summer dresses that most Canadian women wear.

Canada is a very liberal country. If a religious environment was what your husband was hoping for, he is bound to be disappointed. Canada is also a very secular society and we like it that way! He is going to see all kinds of women in summer dresses, as is normal in our country.

I don't want to make you sad, but if I were you, I would be worried that he has chosen the wrong country to immigrate to.

Hello! As a matter of fact, he studied western civilization at university lol And for 5 years, we discussed life in Canada at large. I even brushed a darker picture than a lighter picture... it is just I was afraid he would be disappointed if I said too many nice things.

He never came to Canada before... he needs a visa to come to Canada

Everything was exciting the first six weeks he was here. We were so happy. Then, I started to have emotional difficulties. I had to compromise many things so he can feel home. Coupled to the fact I ran the show for so many years. I was not used to share my life with someone (other than with my son). It has been a big change for me, on every aspect. I am the type of person who has a hard time to adapt to new situations. I was not always nice with him. Now, it seems I am the one who is doing well, and not him.

The thing about summer dresses is just a little thing among so many other things. The most important ones are that he misses A LOT his family and friends, things from his country too like mosques. He also finds the pace too fast here. His actual life is just about work (6 days a week), commuting (buses), eating and sleeping. He misses his fun and easy life in Morocco. The money problems are affecting him greatly. Finally, he failed his road test and this he cannot overcome that (for now).

We are having a good day today. There have been many others since his landing and we will have more (I hope!) First year together is not a piece of cake and by sharing my experience I am hoping to prepare couples who will be reunited one day. It requires lots and lots of patience... like we used to have during the processing of the visa application lol lol

 

[scylla]

Habibti - I really hope things work out for you. Don't give up what's important to you and good luck!

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice (my situation is very different than yours and for a number of reasons my husband had effectively no adjustment period when he became a PR). However several people here have given you great advice and I hope it helps you. Be strong!

 

[amikety]

Thank you chickenkiev! The title of the house is at my name and my beneficiary persons are my son and my mother. Once the 3 years period pass, I will make decision regarding my husband. If he continues working hard and contributing, it is fair to think of him too eventually.

I wish my application had been submitted after the rules changed... I guess it is a leap of faith in my case!

In three years time, he will be a different man - hopefully he will be happier and adjusted.

Although I do fear what you're going through is the new "scam" now that Conditional PR is out. Get to Canada, then make life so miserable and fight so much that the sponsor breaks up - but because they are dumping the foreigner, they don't report because they feel bad....... I sincerely hope that isn't your case, of course. Would never wish that on anyone!

Try to be positive for the future. Sometimes we have to struggle to see the other side.

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

A lot of people fail the road tests as this is a cash cow for the Province. He should not look at this as a failure.

 

[mikeymyke]

Yeah its a cash cow, because if you mess up parallel parking is an automatic fail, and I know lots of people screw up on that

 

[canadianwoman]

Thank you chickenkiev! The title of the house is at my name and my beneficiary persons are my son and my mother.

Keep in mind that no matter whose name the house is in and who you named as beneficiary, if the house is your matrimonial home, your spouse is legally entitled to a share of it.

 

[steaky]

Yeah its a cash cow, because if you mess up parallel parking is an automatic fail, and I know lots of people screw up on that

Count me in. I failed twice in the road test

 

[Habibti]

Keep in mind that no matter whose name the house is in and who you named as beneficiary, if the house is your matrimonial home, your spouse is legally entitled to a share of it.

What should I do to prevent this if something serious between us occurs?

 

[canadianwoman]

What should I do to prevent this if something serious between us occurs?

Each province has different rules about this. Basically, though, if you two live there together for very long, he will be entitled to something. With a very short marriage, the court may take this into account and not award anything. If you are really worried the marriage might break down, I`d suggest going to a lawyer specializing in family law just for a consultation, to find out exactly what the rules are in your province and what you can expect if something goes wrong.

 

[freeislam000]

Hello! As a matter of fact, he studied western civilization at university lol And for 5 years, we discussed life in Canada at large. I even brushed a darker picture than a lighter picture... it is just I was afraid he would be disappointed if I said too many nice things.

He never came to Canada before... he needs a visa to come to Canada

Everything was exciting the first six weeks he was here. We were so happy. Then, I started to have emotional difficulties. I had to compromise many things so he can feel home. Coupled to the fact I ran the show for so many years. I was not used to share my life with someone (other than with my son). It has been a big change for me, on every aspect. I am the type of person who has a hard time to adapt to new situations. I was not always nice with him. Now, it seems I am the one who is doing well, and not him.

The thing about summer dresses is just a little thing among so many other things. The most important ones are that he misses A LOT his family and friends, things from his country too like mosques. He also finds the pace too fast here. His actual life is just about work (6 days a week), commuting (buses), eating and sleeping. He misses his fun and easy life in Morocco. The money problems are affecting him greatly. Finally, he failed his road test and this he cannot overcome that (for now).

We are having a good day today. There have been many others since his landing and we will have more (I hope!) First year together is not a piece of cake and by sharing my experience I am hoping to prepare couples who will be reunited one day. It requires lots and lots of patience... like we used to have during the processing of the visa application lol lol

Hey there Habibti,
I hope and pray you see many more good days......
Dont feel discouraged... this journey as you know from start to end was not an easy one.... And for your husband.....even harder.... I know I will face this same situation when my husband comes if EVER!!! :-\ I remind myself always what I would feel if I had to leave my world behind... I honestly can't imagine.
My suggestion... as far as Islam and Ramadan...... encourage him....... maybe if you are open to it, visit the masjid with him? You dont need to be muslim to visit the masjid... maybe he will take comfort in that........ maybe he just needs your hand. Ramadan as im sure you know is such a beautiful, meaningful, festive time for all Muslims... maybe offer to fast with him a couple of days for support......Its the little things right? Maybe try to make him his favorite dishes for Iftar!
As for the dresses... maybe find a compromise? Relationships are always about give and take... I dont count... I just try to always remind myself before I say or do anything... how would it make my husband feel... if it will hurt him in any way... so it means nothing for me to give up...
Just some thoughts ............ either way, hang in there and best of wishes for you

 

[lunas]

I'm sorry to hear things are getting really tough. I landed over two months ago and I am going through some culture shock already. I moved from the US but my life has changed a lot. I have my husband's love and support and sometimes i get into those moments when nothing seems to help.
The first year of marriage in general is tough already. Add the immigration process trauma you guys had to endure...lots of things to overcome.
Stay strong and positive. My best wishes for you and your marriage.