ESSAY FEEDBACK

[darkwater]

Hello everyone, I'm a student from Vietnam. My plan is to take the IELTS test this Jan and I want to get band 7. Could you please check my essay writing and band it? Leave strict comments so that I can improve myself better. Thank you very much!

TOPIC : It has been said, “Not every thing that is learned is contained in books”.
Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

..

Many people believe that learning from the real experience is far better than sitting passively reading books about common knowledge. That is why they often say “Not everything that is learned is contained in books”. However, there are always two sides of a story and this issue is not an exception.

Nobody can deny the fact that books place an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. Moreover, they are usually various, detailed and scientifically sorted into many kinds. Books are considered a great source of information for human, because they help us to store the knowledge which our ancestors gained from years of observing and researching. Reading books is always a good way to widen our understanding about everything, from the most simple fields to the most complicated ones, and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading books we learn many things so as to prepare carefully for our future path, this can help us to deal with problems in real life.

However, we all know that only knowing about the theory will never be enough. Knowledge can describe for you about the phenomenon but only by experiencing it yourself will you understand it completely and remember it for a longer time than only go through books. You can read about the soft skills such as teamwork, presenting or time managing and sure you can understand how to work in group, how to give a good presentation, but can you do it well if you have never done those kinds of work? Will you perform well if you don’t have the experiences about what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge received from real experience is deadly fundamental to anyone of us, especially students. One of the good examples approving this is the fact that many developing countries including Vietnam don’t appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generation with the real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical and this leads to the fact that some of Vietnamese students know nothing about the basic qualities needed in real life. Neverthless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect and this explains why students in these countries always have a good knowledge not only about theory but also about the experience. Therefore, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books and we should study from our experiences than from books, cause doing something in real always a lot harder than reading about how others do it.

In general, personally I think both studying through books and real lives are good ways to develop a man’s natural qualities. They are two factors that can affect one’s life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting some one do it. That is the reason why I myself believe that widening your knowledge from your real experience is very important and this will be better than sitting passively reading books after books.
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[tuyen]

Corrected version:

Many people believe that learning from the real experience is far better than sitting passively, reading books about common knowledge. That is why they it's often saysaid, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books”. However, there are always two sides of a to every story, and this issue is not an no exception.

Nobody can deny the fact that books place play an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. Moreover, they are usually various, detailed and scientifically sorted into many kinds. Books are considered a great source of information for human because they help us to store the pass down knowledge, history, and experiences to future generations. which our ancestors gained from years of observing and researching. Reading books is always a good way to widen broaden our understanding about everything from the most simple fields to the most complicated ones, from the simplest to the most complicated of topics, and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading, books we can learn many things so as to prepare carefully for our future path, this can help us to deal with problems in real life. to guide us down our future paths and help us in dealing with problems in everyday life.

However, we all know that only knowing about the theory will never be enough. Knowledge can describe for you about the phenomenon but only by experiencing it yourself will you understand it completely and remember it for a longer time than only go through books. But reading is not always enough. While books can describe many things for us with words, it's only through our own personal experiences that we can truly acquire certain skills and knowledge. For instance, you can read about the soft skills such as teamwork, presenting or time managing giving presentations, or time management. And sure, you can understand get a sense of how to work in group work as a team, how to give a good presentation, or how to better manage your time, but can you claim to do any of those things well if you have never actually done them? Will you perform well if you don't have the experiences about related to what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge received acquired from real-world experience is deadly fundamental to anyone each of us, especially students.
[new paragraph]
One of the good examples approving A prime example of this is the fact that many developing countries, including Vietnam, don't appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generations with the real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical, and this leads to the fact that some of Vietnamese students know nothing about the basic qualities skills needed in real life. Nevertheless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect of learning, and this explains why students in these countries always tend to have a not only good theoretical knowledge, but also real-life experiences not only about theory but also about the experience. Therefore, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books, and we should study from our experiences acquire our knowledge through experience than from books cause because doing something in real always a lot harder than reading about how others do it. yourself is always harder more beneficial than reading about someone else doing it.

In general, Personally, I think learning - both both studying through from books and real lives life - are good ways to develop a man's person's natural qualities abilities. They are two factors that can affect one's life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting someone else do it. That is the reason why I myself believe that widening broadening your knowledge from your through real-life experience is very important, and this will be better than sitting passively reading books after booksbook after book.



Final version:

Many people believe that learning from experience is far better than sitting passively, reading books. That is why it's often said, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books”. However, there are always two sides to every story, and this issue is no exception.

Nobody can deny the fact that books play an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. Books are considered a great source of information because they help us to pass down knowledge, history, and experiences to future generations. Reading is always a good way to broaden our understanding about everything from the simplest to the most complicated of topics, and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading, we can learn many things to guide us down our future paths and help us in dealing with problems in everyday life.

But reading is not always enough. While books can describe many things for us with words, it's only through our own personal experiences that we can truly acquire certain skills and knowledge. For instance, you can read about soft skills such as teamwork, giving presentations, or time management. And sure, you can get a sense of how to work as a team, how to give a good presentation, or how to better manage your time, but can you claim to do any of those things well if you have never actually done them? Will you perform well if you don't have experiences related to what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge acquired from real-world experience is fundamental to each of us, especially students.

A prime example of this is the fact that many developing countries, including Vietnam, don't appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generations with real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical, and this leads to the fact that some Vietnamese students know nothing about basic skills needed in real life. Nevertheless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect of learning, and this explains why students in these countries tend to have not only good theoretical knowledge, but also real-life experiences. Therefore, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books, and we should acquire our knowledge through experience because doing something yourself is always more beneficial than reading about someone else doing it.

Personally, I think learning - both from books and real life - are good ways to develop a person's abilities. They are two factors that can affect one's life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting someone else do it. That is the reason why I believe that broadening your knowledge through real-life experience is very important, and will be better than sitting passively reading book after book.

 

[fahad_shah]

Hello Can anyone tell me where I can find official band calculator for calculate my IELTS Results. I am very confused because in different website I found different results for example somewhere I found range 26 - 29 as 6.5 for Academic Listening but somewhere it was mention as 27 - 29 for Academic Listening. Can anyone please help me on this.

 

[amikety]

Hello Grammar Nazi ~

Hello everyone, I'm a student from Vietnam. My plan is to take the IELTS test this Jan and I want to get band 7. Could you please check my essay writing and band it? Leave strict comments so that I can improve myself better. Thank you very much!

TOPIC : It has been said, “Not every thing that is learned is contained in books”.
Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

..

Many people believe that learning from the real experience is Essays should be in past tense unless you're dicsussing current events. This isn't a current event. Also, this intro is very informal.far better than sitting passively reading books about common knowledgeNitpick: I doubt students studying for degrees are reading about common knowledge. That is why they often sayNo present tense “Not everything that is learned isPresent tense is okay in a quote. Confusing? Lol... contained in books”. However, there are always two sides of a story and Personally, I would remove the 'and' and make this two sentences.this issue is not an exception.

NobodyUse 'No one.' Nobody is informal. can deny the fact that books place I think you mean 'play.'an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. The inventor of the printing press is considered the most influential person to ever live, over religious figures and politicans.Moreover, they are usually various, detailed and scientifically sorted into many kinds. Books are considered Now you have past tense However, you also have the problem of switching tense now. That's a big no-no. Do not switch tense.a great source of information for human, because they help us to store the knowledge which our ancestors gained from years of observing and researching. Reading books is alwaysHave you read Twilight? "can be" might be a better statement. a good way to widen our understanding about everything, from the most simple fields to the most complicated ones, This comma doesn't belong.and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading books we learn many things so as to prepareAwkward working carefully for our future path, This comma doesn't belong here. These are two separate sentences the way they are written.this can help us to deal with problems in real life.

However, we Never use first person unless directed by an instructorall know that only knowing 'Know' and 'knowing' are too similar. Use different words with the same meaning. You never want to repeat the same or smiliar words too close together (except articles and conjunctions).about the theory will never be enough.That's blantantly not true. Some people don't desire wordly experience. It would be better to say "some people" rather than all. Knowledge can describe for youNever, ever use second person. Never. about the phenomenonNot all knowledge is a phenonmenon. but comma goes in front of the 'but.' only by experiencing it yourself will you understand it completely and remember it for a longer time than only go through books. You can read about the soft skills such as teamwork, presenting or time managing and sure This is way too informalyou can understand how to work in group, how to give a good presentation, but can you do it well if you have never done those kinds of work? Will you perform well if you don't have the experiences about what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge received from real experience is deadlyThis isn't good word choice. Deadly means something will cause death. fundamental to anyone of us, especially students. One of the good examples approving this is the fact that many developing countries including Vietnam don't appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generation with the real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical and this leads to the fact that some of Vietnamese students know nothing about the basic qualities needed in real life. Neverthless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect and this explains why students in these countries always have a good knowledge not only about theory but also about the experience.How do they have these experiences? You need examples. Therefore, in my opinionWe know this is your opinion. You're the author., knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books and we should study from our experiences than from books, cause doing something in"for real" or "in real life" real You need a verb here.always a lot harder than reading about how others do it.This is a very long, complex sentence. Aside from the missing verb, it is correct, but you should consider making it two sentences as compound-complex sentences can confuse many people. This is just advice, you did the compound-complex correctly.

In general, personallyOnce again, we know this is your opinion I think both studying through books and real lives are good ways to develop a man's natural qualities. You just argued for experience over study and now say both are equally important. Once you pick that hill, you better die one it!They are two factors that can affect one'sThis is very good, properly use of third person instead of second person life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting some one do it. That is the reason why I myself believe that widening your knowledge from your real experience is very important and this will be better than sitting passively reading books after books.Your conclusion is just a restatement of your previous paragraphs. While summing up is good, this is more repeating without making a strong statement.
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Suggestions:
- More examples, strong examples would be helpful. When you're discussing the Vietname versus England/Australia, use examples that show how it's different instead of you just telling us it's different
- Pick one tense and stick to it. In most essays, past tense is the only acceptable tense
- In most essays, third person is the only acceptable point of view. You can write persausive (sorry I butchered that word) essays in first person, but in most academic situations, I would only use third person unless you have permission from your instructor.
- Your sentence structure is good, in fact, maybe too good. Consider making sentences shorter, so they can carry a bigger punch.
- Sadly, your article isn't very persausive.........
- Lastly, make your essay in a formal voice. This is very important for business and school. You don't want to sound like a slacker because you write informally.

Overall, it's very good.

If you want my lecture about past tense and how to use it properly, I'll give you my link to another article I butchered

I didn't address a lot of wording choices because Lady Tuyen did a good job of that already. His review is very good and helpful too.

 

[darkwater]

Thanks very much, at first I was so sad about the fact that my writing is just a !@#$%^&* T_T but thank you very much, I can improve it. Please give me the link

 

[amikety]

Easiest way - read this thread. I explain it and have links to a website for ESL.

http://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/kindly-assess-my-writing-task-2-and-provide-your-valuable-feedback-t124851.0.html

Good luck!

 

[caso]

Corrected version:

Many people believe that learning from the real experience is far better than sitting passively, reading books about common knowledge. That is why they it's often saysaid, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books”. However, there are always two sides of a to every story, and this issue is not an no exception.

Nobody can deny the fact that books place play an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. Moreover, they are usually various, detailed and scientifically sorted into many kinds. Books are considered a great source of information for human because they help us to store the pass down knowledge, history, and experiences to future generations. which our ancestors gained from years of observing and researching. Reading books is always a good way to widen broaden our understanding about everything from the most simple fields to the most complicated ones, from the simplest to the most complicated of topics, and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading, books we can learn many things so as to prepare carefully for our future path, this can help us to deal with problems in real life. to guide us down our future paths and help us in dealing with problems in everyday life.

However, we all know that only knowing about the theory will never be enough. Knowledge can describe for you about the phenomenon but only by experiencing it yourself will you understand it completely and remember it for a longer time than only go through books. But reading is not always enough. While books can describe many things for us with words, it's only through our own personal experiences that we can truly acquire certain skills and knowledge. For instance, you can read about the soft skills such as teamwork, presenting or time managing giving presentations, or time management. And sure, you can understand get a sense of how to work in group work as a team, how to give a good presentation, or how to better manage your time, but can you claim to do any of those things well if you have never actually done them? Will you perform well if you don't have the experiences about related to what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge received acquired from real-world experience is deadly fundamental to anyone each of us, especially students.
[new paragraph]
One of the good examples approving A prime example of this is the fact that many developing countries, including Vietnam, don't appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generations with the real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical, and this leads to the fact that some of Vietnamese students know nothing about the basic qualities skills needed in real life. Nevertheless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect of learning, and this explains why students in these countries always tend to have a not only good theoretical knowledge, but also real-life experiences not only about theory but also about the experience. Therefore, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books, and we should study from our experiences acquire our knowledge through experience than from books cause because doing something in real always a lot harder than reading about how others do it. yourself is always harder more beneficial than reading about someone else doing it.

In general, Personally, I think learning - both both studying through from books and real lives life - are good ways to develop a man's person's natural qualities abilities. They are two factors that can affect one's life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting someone else do it. That is the reason why I myself believe that widening broadening your knowledge from your through real-life experience is very important, and this will be better than sitting passively reading books after booksbook after book.



Final version:

Many people believe that learning from experience is far better than sitting passively, reading books. That is why it's often said, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books”. However, there are always two sides to every story, and this issue is no exception.

Nobody can deny the fact that books play an extremely important part in our lives, especially in education. Books are considered a great source of information because they help us to pass down knowledge, history, and experiences to future generations. Reading is always a good way to broaden our understanding about everything from the simplest to the most complicated of topics, and that is clearly the reason why we are all encouraged to read as many books as possible. From reading, we can learn many things to guide us down our future paths and help us in dealing with problems in everyday life.

But reading is not always enough. While books can describe many things for us with words, it's only through our own personal experiences that we can truly acquire certain skills and knowledge. For instance, you can read about soft skills such as teamwork, giving presentations, or time management. And sure, you can get a sense of how to work as a team, how to give a good presentation, or how to better manage your time, but can you claim to do any of those things well if you have never actually done them? Will you perform well if you don't have experiences related to what you are doing? This strongly indicates that knowledge acquired from real-world experience is fundamental to each of us, especially students.

A prime example of this is the fact that many developing countries, including Vietnam, don't appreciate the importance and urgency of training young generations with real experiences. Students in Vietnam are told to learn many things but they are all theoretical, and this leads to the fact that some Vietnamese students know nothing about basic skills needed in real life. Nevertheless, developed countries such as England or Australia never underestimate this aspect of learning, and this explains why students in these countries tend to have not only good theoretical knowledge, but also real-life experiences. Therefore, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is better than that from books, and we should acquire our knowledge through experience because doing something yourself is always more beneficial than reading about someone else doing it.

Personally, I think learning - both from books and real life - are good ways to develop a person's abilities. They are two factors that can affect one's life very much. However, doing it yourself will always be better than letting someone else do it. That is the reason why I believe that broadening your knowledge through real-life experience is very important, and will be better than sitting passively reading book after book.

wow man you really helped me and him ( my second IELTS test is tomorrow ) Thanks tuyen

 

[caso]

Hello Can anyone tell me where I can find official band calculator for calculate my IELTS Results. I am very confused because in different website I found different results for example somewhere I found range 26 - 29 as 6.5 for Academic Listening but somewhere it was mention as 27 - 29 for Academic Listening. Can anyone please help me on this.

here is an accurate source but dose not indicate points (e.g. 7 or 8 only, no 7.5 ) :

ielts.org/institutions/test_format_and_results/how_is_ielts_marked.aspx

another source ( less accurate but with points ) :

examenglish.com/IELTS/IELTS_Band_Scores.html

( PUT www to use links )