Advice if we must have marriage ceremony

[jiji2]

Hello,

My boyfriend and I are planning to get married sometime next year and then I will sponsor him for PR (I am a Canadian citizen - immigrated here when I was 7 from China originally). We are now in the planning stages of this marriage and I wanted some advice because the PR will require a lot of "proof", so I wanted to get ahead of it.

1. We met 1.5 years ago in Nepal when I went trekking there. He was a tour guide and I was trekking with another guide but with the same company. We became friends after the trek and messaged on Facebook a lot until it became a relationship about 6 months in.

2. I went to visit him this year in Nepal. Met his sister and brother. Some friends. Attended his friend's wedding. We have pictures of the wedding but not a lot. I don't have pictures of my meeting with his family and only a few pictures of the two of us together. We are not photo-obsessed people. Minimal photos from this trip.

3. His family knows about me and parents approve, despite some reservations. They are concerned about the cultural differences and some mistaken conceptions about "western societies". Most of his friends know about me. My mom knows about him and approves, with some reservations. She's concerned about if life will be hard for us when he gets here since there is a vast financial difference between us. My close friends know about him. Nobody has met him on my side since he's never been to Canada or anywhere outside of Nepal.

4. Boyfriend applied for a visitor visa this year and was rejected. Initially, our plan was for him to come here, decide if he likes Canada and would want to move here, and then see where the relationship goes. That didn't happen. We then looked into a study visa for him, but the financial burden of proving he has enough money to support himself will be really tough. His family put themselves into debt to put him and his siblings through university and they are just getting close to paying that off. He doesn't want to burden them again.

5. This leaves us with getting a PR through marriage to be together. It was really a last resort, but we're at the stage where we are secure enough in the relationship to feel comfortable getting married, and it would make many things easier for both of us once he gets here - domestic tuition, no more visa worries etc.

6. I don't want a marriage ceremony. The traditional Nepalese kind involves the boy going to the girl's house, having a big ceremony and then bringing her back to his home. Since I don't have family in Nepal and only my mom will most likely be able to attend the wedding, there's no point. He's agreed to just having a legal wedding, and then maybe doing a ceremony down the road. We plan to one day buy a house in Nepal (really cheap compared to Canada) for his parents and it could be our place of residence when we visit as well.

7. Also, he is worried about his friends looking down on him for getting to Canada through marriage and "using me". Even though we know it's not like that, he wants to return to Nepal one day for business and is worried it will ruin his reputation there. For that reason as well, we don't want to publicize the wedding.

My question is how badly will this be looked upon by the CIC? Our relationship is mostly online because of long distance so I have all of our Facebook conversations. I have proof of going to Nepal twice from my visa stamps. We'll be travelling to Singapore and Malaysia together in February of next year and I plan on taking lots and lots of pictures as evidence. We are also planning on getting married sometime next year with a small reception, his closest family and my mom.

Will this be enough or do I have to have this massive wedding ceremony that nobody really wants...

Thanks!

 

[np08]

In some cultures marriage ceremonies are more important than in most western societies so not doing them can be a red flag. We've seem some cases of certain Muslim couples in particular not doing all the things that are entailed in their traditional marriage ceremonies and even getting refused for it.

That said, I don't think that applies to you. It would if you guys shared your culture, religion, if you both lived in the same place, etc. And like you said, a big part of that ceremony is literally impossible for you due to him not being able to pick you up from your house and bring you to his.

Definitely explain it - my wife and I got married in Canada and none of our families attended (my family is in Europe and hers in Asia). We only had some friends there. But we had good, logical reasons for it that we explained and at no point did I ever think it would really be a red flag.

As for the rest, definitely don't mention that you want to hide the wedding because his friends think he's using you - even just mentioning that would be a big red flag. Heck, the fact that his friends think it is a red flag in general since they supposedly know him well? But it's definitely not my place to judge the sincerity of his intentions, only to urge you to be careful, like anyone else.

Also, given that there are cultural/religious differences, make sure to mention them in your cover letter and explain how and why they're not an issue for you. Sometimes agents get stuck on that and go, "One of you is a catholic, one an atheist, that's weird." Which is really silly and should never be an issue in itself, but it does happen so it's good to address it.

And definitely do not mention you're getting married "as a last resort" and that you wanted to test out the relationship first, but now you have no other option. Don't mention any of that, under no circumstance. That's a huge red flag and screams marriage of convenience, and also says you're not even that sure in the relationship itself, but what the heck.

 

[YVR123]

Well, I was reading through your post ... up until I read point 7. It doesn't make sense. They will know that he left for Canada. The only way he can do it is via your sponsorship. There is nothing to hide. It's strange to try to hide a wedding.

Just a note on the side, under the current guide, you can only submit maximum 20 photos. So taking lots and lots of pictures do not help. It's quality over quantity.

 

[jiji2]

In some cultures marriage ceremonies are more important than in most western societies so not doing them can be a red flag. We've seem some cases of certain Muslim couples in particular not doing all the things that are entailed in their traditional marriage ceremonies and even getting refused for it.

That said, I don't think that applies to you. It would if you guys shared your culture, religion, if you both lived in the same place, etc. And like you said, a big part of that ceremony is literally impossible for you due to him not being able to pick you up from your house and bring you to his.

Definitely explain it - my wife and I got married in Canada and none of our families attended (my family is in Europe and hers in Asia). We only had some friends there. But we had good, logical reasons for it that we explained and at no point did I ever think it would really be a red flag.

As for the rest, definitely don't mention that you want to hide the wedding because his friends think he's using you - even just mentioning that would be a big red flag. Heck, the fact that his friends think it is a red flag in general since they supposedly know him well? But it's definitely not my place to judge the sincerity of his intentions, only to urge you to be careful, like anyone else.

Also, given that there are cultural/religious differences, make sure to mention them in your cover letter and explain how and why they're not an issue for you. Sometimes agents get stuck on that and go, "One of you is a catholic, one an atheist, that's weird." Which is really silly and should never be an issue in itself, but it does happen so it's good to address it.

And definitely do not mention you're getting married "as a last resort" and that you wanted to test out the relationship first, but now you have no other option. Don't mention any of that, under no circumstance. That's a huge red flag and screams marriage of convenience, and also says you're not even that sure in the relationship itself, but what the heck.

Thanks for the great advice, NP08.

The boyfriend has gotten teased mercilessly about dating a foreign girl. Going abroad is a very popular option for young, educated Nepali men but it's tough to get approved. I think a lot of the teasing has to do with jealousy or internal bitterness. People have jokingly told him that he should get me pregnant so he can come here, or made snide remarks about our relationship...some of the comments were really crude and disgusting. Things that made both of us very angry. It's made him really sensitive towards talking about marriage for a long time. He insisted on going the study visa route for a long time for this reason, but the more we go about the study visa, the more it doesn't make practical sense.

 

[np08]

Thanks for the great advice, NP08.

The boyfriend has gotten teased mercilessly about dating a foreign girl. Going abroad is a very popular option for young, educated Nepali men but it's tough to get approved. I think a lot of the teasing has to do with jealousy or internal bitterness. People have jokingly told him that he should get me pregnant so he can come here, or made snide remarks about our relationship...some of the comments were really crude and disgusting. Things that made both of us very angry. It's made him really sensitive towards talking about marriage for a long time. He insisted on going the study visa route for a long time for this reason, but the more we go about the study visa, the more it doesn't make practical sense.

Yeah, I get that.

I wouldn't worry much about the wedding ceremony, as long as you explain it. Like I said, we had seven guests at our wedding which was done at our friend's apartment with not a single actual family member from either side attending. Our "wedding dresses" were cute white summer dresses we bought at the mall, lol. Sometimes it's just not possible, sometimes you have plans for a larger ceremony down the road, etc. Like I said, they do look at it more when it comes to certain cultures, but usually when both people share said culture.

And just generally avoid any language that would cast doubt on the relationship. So while what you told me about his friends makes sense, I don't think you should mention any of it in the application, for example. There's no need and it can only complicate things.

Also, like @YVR123 said, maximum is 20 for photos. So don't worry about having a bunch. I had four visits to Canada and we got married during my last one (I'm still here, applying inland). We put in three pics from the wedding and the rest were spaced out over all my visits, while trying to show some different places we went to or different things we did. The rest of your proof in terms of your visits, pictures, online communication, and all that seems pretty standard and I haven't noticed any red flags in it.

As you go through your application, try to predict the agent's reactions to different things you're putting in and preemptively explain away anything that might be confusing, some of which you've already mentioned.

For example, most of my family doesn't know I'm married. Red flag, right? We immediately explained my wife and I are a same sex couple and my family isn't supportive. Simple and valid explanation right there, and it's something I know is going to catch the agent's eye so might as well.

And just keep in mind they see all sorts of things and it's very rare for any situation out there to be perfectly new. Usually they've seen it all before.

Good luck!

 

[jiji2]

Thanks

Yeah, I get that.

I wouldn't worry much about the wedding ceremony, as long as you explain it. Like I said, we had seven guests at our wedding which was done at our friend's apartment with not a single actual family member from either side attending. Our "wedding dresses" were cute white summer dresses we bought at the mall, lol. Sometimes it's just not possible, sometimes you have plans for a larger ceremony down the road, etc. Like I said, they do look at it more when it comes to certain cultures, but usually when both people share said culture.

And just generally avoid any language that would cast doubt on the relationship. So while what you told me about his friends makes sense, I don't think you should mention any of it in the application, for example. There's no need and it can only complicate things.

Also, like @YVR123 said, maximum is 20 for photos. So don't worry about having a bunch. I had four visits to Canada and we got married during my last one (I'm still here, applying inland). We put in three pics from the wedding and the rest were spaced out over all my visits, while trying to show some different places we went to or different things we did. The rest of your proof in terms of your visits, pictures, online communication, and all that seems pretty standard and I haven't noticed any red flags in it.

As you go through your application, try to predict the agent's reactions to different things you're putting in and preemptively explain away anything that might be confusing, some of which you've already mentioned.

For example, most of my family doesn't know I'm married. Red flag, right? We immediately explained my wife and I are a same sex couple and my family isn't supportive. Simple and valid explanation right there, and it's something I know is going to catch the agent's eye so might as well.

And just keep in mind they see all sorts of things and it's very rare for any situation out there to be perfectly new. Usually they've seen it all before.

Good luck!

Thanks so much! This was so helpful. I will definitely be careful about casting any kinds of doubt on the relationship - it never even occurred to me as a red flag but makes complete sense that an agent would see it that way.

 

[jiji2]

Well, I was reading through your post ... up until I read point 7. It doesn't make sense. They will know that he left for Canada. The only way he can do it is via your sponsorship. There is nothing to hide. It's strange to try to hide a wedding.

Just a note on the side, under the current guide, you can only submit maximum 20 photos. So taking lots and lots of pictures do not help. It's quality over quantity.

Thanks for alerting me to the 20 photo rule. Didn't know about that!

I don't think we're trying to hide anything. Just not inviting most of his extended family or friends to the legal marriage registration until we can save up and do the ceremony the proper way, the way that he wants to with picking up the girl from the house etc. He has a large friend circle and these are the ones that give him a hard time, making assumptions because they don't know him that well.

 

[YVR123]

Thanks for alerting me to the 20 photo rule. Didn't know about that!

I don't think we're trying to hide anything. Just not inviting most of his extended family or friends to the legal marriage registration until we can save up and do the ceremony the proper way, the way that he wants to with picking up the girl from the house etc. He has a large friend circle and these are the ones that give him a hard time, making assumptions because they don't know him that well.

I understand now.
I guess he can probably separate friends vs acquaintances. And invite a few close friends to your ceremony. But it's up to you 2.

Address the possible red flag/doubt that the agent may have. Good luck!

 

[EstherBarros]

When I sent my application in (in Nov 2014), I made sure, in my letter explaining the relationship, to list our hardships, moments we were tense/close to breaking up and the reason etc. I was honest, and told our story. I mentioned we were uncertain for a long time about fully committing at the very beginning, because of cultural differences, but then my mom and grandma came to Canada, met him, approved of him and saw that I was happy etc. We had been together for over 3 years at this point, and living together for over 2.

What I mean to say here is: be fully honest and genuine about your relationship. Obviously, don't mention the red flags quote above (friend thinking its a marriage of convenience), but mentioning family reservations, and how you changed their mind/navigated it, is truthful and paints a realistic picture of your story as an intercultural couple

As long as your relationship is genuine, there's no need to make "arrangements" to conform to whatever CIC might expect, sometimes that could be even worse (like opening up a shared bank account a month before the application and sending that as proof etc). This is just my 2 cents!

 

[lea1113]

Its really hard to say what the agents will say.
I was a little worried about our app and that they would see things as a red flag because we didn't do a BIG wedding.
I am Canadian and he is Indian, Hindu religion.
We did our marriage in my living room with my mom and step dad. Then in India we did a "marriage" type thing. We celebrated and went to the temple and the priest there gave us his blessings.
So we really though that this would be a HUGE red flag as they expect the Hindus to have the big fat wedding.
However, we explained that we didn't want the big wedding. And we also explained why my dad and brother couldn't make the wedding here. It was due to a random snow storm in fall, that Canadian weather haha.
So I think like people above have mentioned. Explain things.
I was also in your shoes with my guy. It was the simplest way to get him here. We looked at many other avenues and marriage was the best. We knew we wanted to do life together and knew this wasn't a marriage of convenience but the agents judge things and have seen it all. So we just made sure to word things nicely and explain it all.

We just got approved today so clearly we did something right! Haha. I also think it helped that we aren't the same religion so maybe that's why they didn't have red flags as much about how we did the marriage.

Message me if you need help!