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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

akh136

Star Member
Apr 18, 2019
116
34
This is more crisp. And I tak
also how's this as a conclusion( only if you mention social aspects teaching in body paragraph 1)

In my opinion, it becomes even more effective if school education is used in conjunction with teaching at home. Rather than individually selecting any one of these, benefits of both can be utilized to give thorough education to children. Given the formal teaching received from the experts in the industry, parents can focus on teaching children softer/social aspects of life.
This is more crisp and so better suited to be a conclusion but this doesn't clearly say which one is better.In my original conclusion I did mention that school education is better but then went on to introduce a new point n conclusion which should be avoided at all costs. I didn't realize that until you pointed out
 

velocityblood

Star Member
Jan 4, 2019
189
44
India
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2141
Guys, I am back with the new essay please evaluate with a band prediction.
@H0peAndFa1th @artificial.nocturne @cansha

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.

What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?


Parents tend to provide their children with plenty of toys. This essay will suggest that buying a large no of toys makes the children build greater intelligence is the biggest advantage of this and children develop an introvert personality is the primary disadvantage.

Kids are bought a big no of toys by their parents so that they utilize their mind continuously to learn new things. Now a days the toys available in the market are more of intelligence based toys where kids have to think wisely and use their mind to be able to play with toys and it is a known fact that more the mind is utilized more the sharper it becomes. For example, a Rubik’s cube is the kind of toy where, to match the specific colour pattern the player is supposed to think of different patterns and the way to arrange the cube in such a way that all the sides have the same colour on all its rectangles.

Despite the advantages, playing with the toys have created a sense of reservedness in the kids. More the kids are engaged with the toys more they remain inside the house and don’t tend to go out and socialize with other kids this, in turn, causes them to become shy and reserved. A recent survey carried out by local children society reveals that the kids who tend to play more with toys and remain inside their house have a sense of reserved and fill shy to face big gatherings.

In conclusion, guardians offering plenty of toys can be advantageous for kids to make them brilliant, however, they must be careful about the choice of the toys as kids engaged in playing with the toys show a sense of reservedness.
Guys
@artificial.nocturne @H0peAndFa1th @cansha please evaluate this one.
 

velocityblood

Star Member
Jan 4, 2019
189
44
India
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2141
I read somewhere that it's better not to write 'kids' ,children is the appropriate academic word..kids is more informal
The experts here can put more light onto it
Yes that is true, kids is informal, that is the biggest mistake I have done in the essay.
 

AB17

Star Member
Apr 4, 2019
180
98
This is more crisp. And I tak

This is more crisp and so better suited to be a conclusion but this doesn't clearly say which one is better.In my original conclusion I did mention that school education is better but then went on to introduce a new point n conclusion which should be avoided at all costs. I didn't realize that until you pointed out
Question was discuss both advantages and give your opinion?

I think it wasn't asking to select which one is better...moreover, your opinion was to combine both and that also works.
 

Kashif ahmed

Full Member
Dec 30, 2018
25
5
Yes that is true, kids is informal, that is the biggest mistake I have done in the essay.
Well I think when you write a BP,you should first start with a topic aensente
There are advantages of giving multiple toys to children..

Same goes for BP 2 ,the first sentence is topic sentence ,so mention that despite advantages there are also disadvantages
Writing a topic sentence makes an essay more clear and easy to read ; helpful in fetching high bands
 

Kriff

Full Member
Apr 21, 2019
26
5
Please I have just answered my first writing tutorials and I will appreciate your corrections.

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
You should write at least 250 words.
Answer:
Can you imagine the world without music? The world will be perceived dead I presume. Music gives hope. Music motivates people. Music enhances connection of people to people or people to things. Music is made up of a magnificent power that helps people of different culture, background and upbringing to relate, understand and accommodate each other.

In different occasions when I feel depressed, I just listen to music. The rhythm gives me joy and makes me feel lively leading to generation of so much positivity. Music spurge in me the a positive mindset that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to do with a motivation that whatever I am facing at the moment, it will surely get better. Based on my personal experience, I would say we need music. As this can reduce the rate of depression and subsequently lead to a reduction in suicidal rates across the world. Sometimes in my final year as an undergraduate, I was overwhelmed by the work load that I had to go through. Based on these, I easily got frustrated and always looking for the zeal to push harder into putting the work that is required for me to get the best grade I needed at that particular level. Once I switch my music player on; plug my earpiece, I feel like I am in my own world and I tend to be able to imagine good things which ends up motivating me. For instance, when I have to solve mathematical problems, music helps me focus and reduce the agony that comes with racking of my brains. Music is life.

Language makes communication easier and for most people, the main languages with which they were brought always play a major role in their understanding of words. As music is concern, enjoyment of it comes with the understanding of the words that are been spoken. Although, there is another phase of argument that may say that beats is essential to music; that is fine. But majority of the top music awards rates music based on how the words flow with the beat. That is, they must be in synergy. Therefore, words can be seen as the most essential part of music. As a Yoruba man, I connect better to a Yoruba song solely because I understand in-depth the meaning of the words that are said. In other words, individuals connect more to their founding language making their traditional music more important than the international music that are been heard nowadays.
 

Aruntocanada

Star Member
Feb 21, 2016
158
28
NOC Code......
0124
Nowadays, numerous nations are experiencing phenomenal shift of people moving from small towns to developed cities. This is happening due to the fact that, people are striving to achieve better standard of living by opting to diverse opportunity to work that originate concerns like competition for work.


It is irrefutable that people often move out of their home land in order to explore opportunities to take up from a wide range of job available in the city which are available in limited numbers in town comparatively. When people wish to excel in their profession and wants to work with global companies like Google.com, then they need to move to the cities where those multinational companies have their office setup. To illustrate, if software developer want to work for a company whose office is in Seattle, then he or she needs to move to that city in order to join it.


On the other hand, wouldn’t this shift create any unbalancement? Of course it does. When more and more people move to certain cities for work then, it is obvious that the immigrant population grow to an extent which eventually create more supply than demand. Therefore, when supply increases and demand remains static, an state of competition arise for the job seeker which makes it even harder for the job seeker only to achieve his dream work profile. To exemplify, when there are more than 30 application for an open position then each employee will have same but less probability to be picked provided all have same skill set.


All being said, human thrives to experience better work life by opting diverse job which drive them to move out of their hometown to get exposure to the global job opportunities available however this also create issue like competition to grab a job.



Team :: please share view- hopes this was better than my last one..
Please spare 2 min.

Time taken 45Min
 

marosa

Hero Member
Oct 9, 2018
249
122
Armenia
NOC Code......
1111
Dears, I have only 3 days left.
Please kindly advise if I'm any closer to band 7.


Some teachers tend to reward students who achieve high academic results. Others, however, support and reward students that show the most improvement.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


It is a common practice to have a reward system within educational institutions all over the world. An overwhelming number of schools have adopted a policy of rewarding students with the highest grades, while there are some that encourage improvement rather than scores gained. In my opinion, despite the merits of the former approach, such as formation of a competitive environment, rewarding positive changes is more beneficial from the perspective of an individual’s development.

On the one hand, it is thought by some, that supporting top grades results in schoolchildren’s eagerness to be the best in class. Children may wish to get outstanding marks, shall they notice that it is encouraged by the professors. As a result, this can lead to healthy competition among classmates, when each pupil will tend (tends) to learn as much as possible to score the most. A recent study by the faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University has proven that a competitive environment among children can result in an improvement of their performance by up to 35%.

On the other hand, many believe that appreciation of schoolchildren’s individual improvement is more effective, as it promotes their personal growth. Children are considered to be mentally vulnerable and fragile and, therefore, it is important for them to feel adults’ support when they make an effort, even if the result is not material. In contrary (had to be "on the contrary", though I'm not sure if I can use that expression here), a child might stop making any attempt to gain knowledge if he or she receives no positive reaction from the teacher. This means that shall the teacher want to encourage pupils to be proactive and interested, they would need to notice and reward every student’s improvement. The research conducted by The New York Times in April 2018 has shown that 60% of American parents would prefer their heir to be graded by the above-mentioned method, to what I agree.

To conclude, in my opinion, though some teachers would rather reward top performers within the class, promotion of improvement is more useful, as it can make students want to improve themselves.

-------------------------------------------
13 sentences, 337 words.

I suppose my sentences are too long (26 words on average), do I need to somehow break them down or cut?

Also, my 2nd body paragraph appeared to be much longer than the 1st one, though I support the idea in the second paragraph. Can this be a problem?

Thanks in advance!
 

velocityblood

Star Member
Jan 4, 2019
189
44
India
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2141
Masters of the thread @artificial.nocturne @H0peAndFa1th @cansha please look at this.

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.


Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Companies nowadays prefer to gather personal information from the candidates applying for a job, which includes marital status, interests, and hobbies. Although believed by many that such information may be relevant and useful to hire a perfect candidate, but, few people think that personal information must not be revealed to the employer because it may result in discrimination in the hiring process. This essay will discuss both the views, however, in my opinion, disclosure of such information does not affect the hiring process and helps the employer make a better choice over a number of candidates.

On the one hand, it is perceived by many that capturing the private information of candidates who are applying for jobs gives the free hand to the hiring managers, to hire the candidate of their own interest. However, it is important to understand that the hiring manager will be able to hire a person of personal interest only if he is aware of the place where the candidates belong to, or the cast of the candidate, but having information only about the hobbies, interest and marital status does not allows the recruiting manager to take a biased decision. A recent survey by Economic Times suggests that the companies who do not seek personal information from the candidates have a 10% higher attrition rate. So in my opinion, the belief that employer having availed the personal information may bias the recruiting process is not valid.

On the other hand, the hiring managers ask the candidates for personal information to make the best choice out of the pool of candidates. Firstly, seeking personal information such as interest and hobbies reveals the nature of the person and reveals more about the personality of the candidate. Such as, someone having a habit of reading novels must be a person who likes to be surrounded by books. Secondly, asking for the marital status helps the hiring manager to make a decision according to the requirement of the role, as the role might include a lot of traveling which is generally not preferred by the married candidates, and may result in disinterest from the job. Times now interview with top recruiting agencies shows that the hiring managers who seek personal information from candidates have been able to recruit more successful candidates with an attrition rate of less than 10%. In my opinion, employers who ask the private information of the candidates successfully hire a better person according to the roles and responsibility of the position.

To conclude, hiring managers availing subjective information in advance, from the candidates applying for job opportunities should not be seen as a way of dissolving transparency of the hiring procedure, as it helps employers bring the best resources to the company.
 
Last edited:

Aruntocanada

Star Member
Feb 21, 2016
158
28
NOC Code......
0124
somehow break them down or cut?
In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause


Nowadays, numerous nations are experiencing phenomenal shift of people moving from small towns to developed cities. This is happening due to the fact that, people are striving to achieve better standard of living by opting to diverse opportunity to work that originate concerns like competition for work.


It is irrefutable that people often move out of their home land in order to explore opportunities to take up from a wide range of job available in the city which are available in limited numbers in town comparatively. When people wish to excel in their profession and wants to work with global companies like Google.com, then they need to move to the cities where those multinational companies have their office setup. To illustrate, if software developer want to work for a company whose office is in Seattle, then he or she needs to move to that city in order to join it.


On the other hand, wouldn’t this shift create any unbalancement? Of course it does. When more and more people move to certain cities for work then, it is obvious that the immigrant population grow to an extent which eventually create more supply than demand. Therefore, when supply increases and demand remains static, an state of competition arise for the job seeker which makes it even harder for the job seeker only to achieve his dream work profile. To exemplify, when there are more than 30 application for an open position then each employee will have same but less probability to be picked provided all have same skill set.


All being said, human thrives to experience better work life by opting diverse job which drive them to move out of their hometown to get exposure to the global job opportunities available however this also create issue like competition to grab a job.



Team :: please share view- hopes this was better than my last one..
Please spare 2 min.

Time taken 45Min
Sorry missed the prompt earlier-added now

Please look into this essay - request to all members
 

H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
Guys, I am back with the new essay please evaluate with a band prediction.
@H0peAndFa1th @artificial.nocturne @cansha

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.

What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?
Parents tend to provide their children with plenty of toys. This essay will suggest [don't use this language] that buying a large no [write number] of toys makes the children build greater intelligence is the biggest advantage of this , and children develop an introvert personality is the primary disadvantage.
grammar errors.

Kids are bought a big no of toys by their parents so that they can/could/would utilize their mind continuously to learn new things.

Now a days the toys available in the market are more of intelligence based toys where kids have to think wisely and use their mind to be able to play with toys and it is a known fact that more the mind is utilized more the sharper it becomes. (run on sentence ???, finish one thing then say the next one )

For example, a Rubik’s cube is the kind of toy where, to match the specific colour pattern the player is supposed to think of different patterns and the way to arrange the cube in such a way that all the sides have the same colour on all its rectangles.
grammatically wrong sentences,
para concluded nothing, what is take out ? message ?

Despite the advantages, playing with the toys have created a sense of reservedness in the kids. More the kids are engaged with the toys more they remain inside the house and don’t tend to go out (you can say tend to say in, but you already said that) and socialize with other kids this, in turn, causes them to become shy and reserved. (again run on sentence )

A recent survey carried out by local children society reveals that the kids who tend to play more with toys and remain inside their house have a sense of reserved and fill shy to face big gatherings.

In conclusion, guardians offering plenty of toys can be advantageous for kids to make them brilliant, however, they must be careful about the choice of the toys as kids engaged in playing with the toys show a sense of reservedness.
all sentences have errors,
6 to 6.5

work on your grammar, body paragraphs, almost everything, for you there's long road ahead.
 
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H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
Hi guys

Please share your reviews
@artificial.nocturne @H0peAndFa1th @cansha and all others :)


Write about the following topic :
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your opinion.
There are two popular schools of thought when it comes to educating children. One believes that it is best to educate children at home while the other , and the more popular one, believes that education should be imparted at schools. This essay will discuss the positives of both and will also conclude which one is better.
nicely done, impressive.


It is no secret that children begin their learning at home. Many people argue that this should be continued instead of sending them to school. Teaching at home allows children to set their own pace and results in lesser expenses for parents. Children also get time to explore a lot of other activities apart from studies if they are being taught at home.
good, smooth
School education, on the other hand, is the more popular method and majority of parents choose this for their children. School exposes children to real world and also allows them to be taught by experts who have gathered expertise in their particular fields. In spite of being expensive and more stressful , school education results in better returns as it follows a set structure and prepares children to face a variety of challenges.
good, smooth, flawless.
In conclusion, I would state that in spite of having some flaws in terms of time and cost, school education is a better bet when compared to home education. In fact, it becomes even more effective if used in conjunction with some teaching at home. Parents should devote a portion of their time to review the progress and problems of the child . They should visit the school often to ensure that their child is on right track and should spend some time teaching them softer aspects of life, such as values and morals at home.

well done, little longer conclusion, but its okay, cuz it contains your opinion

this one can fetch, 7.5 to 8, maybe 8.5 also, who knows.

direct examples are missing
idiomatic language is missing

include those next time.
 
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Reactions: akh136

H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
Many people say that cooking and eating at home is better for the individual and the family than eating out in restaurants.
Do you agree or disagree?

Eating healthy and tasty food is everyone’s first choice to become fit and healthy. Some are of the view that single people and family should opt for preparing and having food at home while other things thinks otherwise. I certainly assert this notion as preparing and eating home is not only healthy but also economical unlike eating out.
good

Fresh vegetables and oils are of the paramount importance in order to harness the real nutrient of the food however, It is almost unlikely that consumer can gauge the quality for content which was being used for the food we intake in restaurants and cafes. [is this one sentence]

Additionally, having a meal out at your best cafe or restaurant is often an expensive affair for an normal income person (odd language ) which could easily disturb the finance (budget) for whole month.
still good.

On the other hand, preparing food home food at home surely ensures us the quality of the food that we are eating. As we know our food ingredient, specially vegetables and oil better as to, how and how much to use in order to prepare healthy and tasty meal. Also, as far as opting for ingredient is concern, people can certainly shop for better quality material which is good for cuisine and healthy. Furthermore, it also allow people to save enough amount of money, when they eat home because food raw material and staples are usually affordable since brought in quantity.
almost every sentence is grammatically incorrect,

All things said, preparing food and eating home usually ensure best quality food due to usage of optimum quality ingredients and cheap also since only raw material is needed to prepare food which is affordable.
again wrong.



@artificial.nocturne @H0peAndFa1th @cansha and all others please view..

I have sorted pointed issues and wrote this in 35 Minutes - Good to get 7 this time or more;)
sorry to break it to you, you could end up with 6 or 6.5 max, this is not a 7 band.

all sentences have errors. work on your grammar. better take help from a english teacher, professor etc. who can work on your grammar.