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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Hi guys!

Would appreciate if someone could evaluate my essay.

The education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. Some people believe that educating adults that cannot read or write is essential for the society and more funding should be made available for it. To what extent you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that education plays an important role in modern world. Educating the youth is often treated as main focus for majority of countries around the world. However, some argue that providing illiterate people with an access to education is necessary for the society. Therefore, more funds should be allocated to this matter. I personally agree with the latter opinion.

Governments should focus on providing education opportunities for all of their citizens, regardless of their age, because well-educated society has an overall positive impact on country's economy. By educating illiterate adults, governments increase their chances of joining the labour market. As a result, when they find employment, they become independent as they do not need to take the advantage of government's welfare, and become regular tax payers - both of which also benefit country's economy.

As for the illiterate individual, it is undoubtedly necessary to possess the ability to both write and read as it is imperative for a proper quality of life. While lacking such skills, it is extremely difficult to perform and engage in everyday tasks. For example, it is virtually impossible to seek employment or sign an apartment lease. Therefore, both standard and quality of living of such individuals drastically decrease, and so do their opportunities for self-development. In addition, such situation can also lead to feelings of alienation, or even depression, because such illiterate adult may be considered maladjusted.

In conclusion, I believe governments should focus not only on educating young people, but also ensure that illiterate members of the society are provided with proper education. A well-educated society is both essential to the development of a country and individuals themselves.
Well written! I liked it. It was easy to read and the flow was good. I didn't see any big issues with English or Grammar that needed correcting. Introduction was good for this kind of essay. The ideas are on point and on the topic. Well done!
 
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Zigzag85

Hero Member
Oct 20, 2017
725
137
No problem. I started reviewing on this thread around 18 page mark and its around 85 pages. By now I have done hundreds of reviews so I don't mind.
Your IELTS is close so I wish you all the best! It is tough when people have IELTS so close and want to get reviews done here because I don't want to lie on my reviews and also I don't want them to feel disheartened. But, I'm honest with my reviews and you can disagree.




I don't know what to review in the introduction. I have done two previous reviews told you twice to avoid the last line and you keep doing it. So, I don't get the point of my review. Are you not reading it? Or are you reading but ignoring it?



To be honest, your previous essay was better than this one. This is way off topic!

I don't think you understood the topic. The topic is whether modern technology has increased the gap between rich and poor. And they are not talking about the "Communication gap". They are not talking about whether rich people know poor people exist which kind of is the gist of your essay.

The "gap" here means whether technology has helped rich become richer and poor and become poorer and hence the "wealth gap" increased? Or the other way is to think about is is new technology available to rich and poor equally. For example, say technology like Internet is available to rich and poor equally. Even someone poor can use Internet.

But is all technology available to poor? How about say air travel? Or say better healthcare technologies? There can be so many things.

As always, your English is more than fine. Your task response, in my personal opinion, can be better. For some reason you don't seem inclined to change the way you want to write introductions. So, I don't know what to say there.

All the best!
Omg the fact that I didn’t understand the question shook my confidence even more.
I’m watching this Jay guy from E2learning (I’m not sure) and this is the way he writes his introductions.. I need to work on my introductions because I’m getting mixed up which is horrible for test day.
 

Zigzag85

Hero Member
Oct 20, 2017
725
137
@cansha

After your post I went back and tried to apply ur advice to this essay.
I also watched videos of this Liz person that I didn’t know existed (I cannot believe I didn’t watch them before)

Well heres the new one
Be kind lol



The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Healthcare systems are dealing with an increased amount of pressure resulting from the relatively new illness, Obesity. People believe that adding more physical education classes in schools is the most effective way to tackle this issue. While I absolutely agree with this solution. However, in my opinion, a good diet is essential as well.

Many teachers in schools and most parents at home ignore the importance of exercise and the food choices children make. Nurseries and primary schools should put in extra lessons that consist of different kinds of exercises such as, dance, volleyball or swimming for instance to keep youngsters interested. This change would make pupils more eager to go to school since gym class is considered fun and may help them develop a love to a specific sport in the future thus, having a positive long lasting effect on their health. In addition, another viable solution would be keeping track of a child’s intake and types of foods they eat. I believe youngsters are too immature to be responsible for the outcomes of their food choices. It is the responsibility of the parents to ensure their child has access to healthy meals and snacks.

However, obesity isn’t necessarily due to over eating alone. Many medications can cause extreme weight gain as well as psychological or thyroid problems for instance. In some cases, it is important that a person receives medical attention and consistent checkups since there are exceptions to everything. One of the main reasons why over weight people are flocking towards surgeries and medication is due to encouragement from doctors. Instead of advising a patient to go under the knife or swallow harmful pills and substances, doctors should educate their patients about healthy diet and nutrition. Furthermore, therapy has been found to be very helpful for bing eaters.

After discussing the 2 main solutions to avoid obesity, it’s clear that this is a preventable illness. In conclusion, I personally opine that introducing more physical education lessons will absolutely help relieve some pressure from the health care system as well as prevent many other health issues for future generations.
 

Kashif ahmed

Full Member
Dec 30, 2018
25
5
Please review my essay
Question : Some people believe that internet makes it easier to get education online where as others think that it is more beneficial to take a course in a classroom.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Certain individuals prefer to take education online where as others think it is best to attend lectures in a classroom.In my opinion it is better to attend classroom lectures.
People choose to take up internet education courses for a variety of reasons.Firstly,these courses are beneficial for working individuals who do not have time to go and attend a classroom lecture.for example a person with a day job can take the online courses in his free time at nigjt.secondly taking a course online helps in saving time which would have been consumed during travel. finally certain introverts prefer to study alone rather than amongst people in a classroom.
On the other hand classroom lectures have their own advantages.Studying in a group with peers develops a sense of competition.for instance a person can be more motivated in learning in a group to perform better.Furthermore attending classroom lectures develops discipline in an individual which will help them in their future jobs.
In conclusion even though both cyber courses as well as classroom lectures have their own benefits in my opinion classroom education is more beneficial.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Omg the fact that I didn’t understand the question shook my confidence even more.
I’m watching this Jay guy from E2learning (I’m not sure) and this is the way he writes his introductions.. I need to work on my introductions because I’m getting mixed up which is horrible for test day.
Didn't mean to shake your confidence buddy! But, I have to tell you what I feel very honestly. Will look at the new essay in few hours.
 
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Zigzag85

Hero Member
Oct 20, 2017
725
137
Didn't mean to shake your confidence buddy! But, I have to tell you what I feel very honestly. Will look at the new essay in few hours.
Oh no on the contrary.... it was a good splash of ice cold water on my face... I’ve read no less than 50 essays and written maybe 10 after reading that post.
 
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velocityblood

Star Member
Jan 4, 2019
189
44
India
Category........
FSW
NOC Code......
2141
Kindly scrutinize the below essay, highlight every possible mistake

Essay Title: Everyone should start eating vegetarian because it helps improve health. To what extent do you agree?

Although it is believed by many that eating vegetarian food helps sustain good health but it is also to be considered that doctors recommend to include fish and meat to maintain good health. In my opinion having a mix of vegetarian and non-vegetarian eatables, which provides enough vitamin and proteins, helps keep good health.

There are people who believe that eating vegetarian food such as pulses, green vegetables, fruits milk is ideal for maintaining good health. For instance vegetables such as carrot, radish helps build the muscles stronger and increase the immunity, which leads to lesser suffering due to joint pains during old ages, moreover dairy products, which are made of milk, provides different types of vitamins to the human body and keeps human body from weakness.

At the same time, there are people who believe that consuming meat is good for health compared to eating vegetarian. Eating meat provides strength to the muscles when consumed in a correct amount. It is often seen people in the profession of bodybuilding consume a considerable amount of meat, to gain the energy, which ultimately leads to strengthening body muscles and build stamina. Even it is recommended by physicians to include at least egg/fish, in the daily breakfast to avoid skipping protein required, for the good health.

I have a partial agreement on the fact that everyone should eat only vegetarian, as vegetarian food does not provide all kind of proteins and vitamins required for good health, and thus it is always a good idea to include non-vegetarian food in the diet.
 
Nov 21, 2018
13
0
HELP @cansha

SOME BELIEVE THAT MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS INCREASING THE GAP BETWEEN
RICH AND POOR PEOPLE, WHILE OTHERS DISAGREE. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND
GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION


Many believe that due to incessant advancement in technology, the rich are being richer and poor becomes poorer. While others assert that technological changes has no role in increasing the financial gap between these two sections. In my opinion, I firmly believe that the later thought holds true.

on the one hand, many people think that new technology has broadened the financial gap between two sections of society,as the richer section, who can afford the ever changing and expensive technology, can earn more profits arising out of the use of modernized technology. For instance, Flipkart and Amazon are the recent examples of business based on new technology that has effected turnover of Small vendors, as customer have shifted to buying online rather than from small shops in nearby areas, making multiple lower class workers even more poor and centralising the major chunk of profit in favour of two or three big online shopping brands.

On the other hand, many people disagree that technology has lead to proliferation of gap between upper and lower section as they think there are many other reasons for it. For example, Reasons like lower illiteracy rate amongst poor is the prime reason why poor remains poor or even becomes poorer in this era of competition. Moreover, Lower risk taking ability of weaker section is another major reason. Poor people seldom risk investing in business, hence , the end up doing work for the upper class leaving them way behind their bosses.

I think, technology has opened horizons for both the classes. Many recent developments are cheap in cost, any person, who is educated and has creative mind, can take their advantage to make themselves in line with upper class,. Hence, if used properly it can help bridge the gap.

In conclusion, I believe that there are many other reasons like lack of education and lesser risk taking ability rather than technology, that corresponds to broadening the financial difference between upper and the lower class.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Hey, another one from me! Would greatly appreciate any feedback! Aiming for band 7 or/and above.

Some people think that giving homework to students is not a good idea. Others believe that homework is good and helps students achieve better grades. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Homework has become an immanent imminent aspect of studying process. However, some believe that this additional work may not actually be beneficial to students. Others, including myself, suggest that homework can be helpful to learners in terms of improving their grades as it is a great revision tool.
Okay

Opponents of homework stress the fact that while doing it, students are forced to study the material without proper guidance. Rather than having a professional explain everything thoroughly and clearly step by step, they are compelled to tackle, frequently extremely difficult, problems on their own, as other members of the family are often also not properly equipped to assist them. As a consequence, homework is done incorrectly which has a negative impact on their overall grade in given subject. In addition, the frustration, and feelings of being incapable to succeed at school increase subsequently.
So good thing is it is easy to read and English has no issues.

Other than that I find it a very superficial argument. I didn't like it and I'm not sure if the examiner will be convinced of the task response. It is one of those essays where you would need luck on your side to get a 7+.

However, homework can also be considered as an extremely great opportunity for revision. Students are able to evaluate the school material according to their own capabilities, and at their own pace, which is often difficult during class as the teacher is obligated to introduce a certain amount of material each lesson. Whereas the comfortable environment of their own home enables them to analyse and identify their mistakes and mishaps far easier without any set time constrain. As a result, students are able to ask teachers more precise and specific question targeting the identified issues. Owning to that they can receive more constructive feedback, which when implemented by students afterwards, might improve their grades significantly.
Same feedback as above!

In conclusion, despite the fact that homework forces the students to analyse the material on their own, it also enables them to identify their mistakes and knowledge gaps. These can be later addressed and explained more precisely by the teachers, and therefore ensure the improvement of grades.
As I said in my previous review your English is good. No issues in Grammar also. But, unlike the previous essay I'm not really convinced of the task response on this one. Personally, I think if this was on exam you would probably get a 6.5 and there was a chance of score being revised to 7 in reval. You will have to do much better on task response to ensure a 7+ score. There are plenty of reviews on this forum so go back some 40 pages and read those reviews for more inputs. All the best!
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
good job you are @cansha and Hopeandfaith. please help me evaluate.

There are many types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important and should it be preserved or is international music that is heard everywhere nowadays more useful to a society?
There is an issue with the essay without even reading it. The second body paragraph is so much longer compared to the other paragraph. That is an issue. If you really had that much content may be write 3 BP for better reading.

There are a plethora of music genres in the world today. People usually listen to music for personal interest. International musical styles are globally acceptable however, traditional music helps sustain history and pass in-depth messages to listeners.
Okay

Relaxation is a major reason why some people listen to music. Could be better phrased

In other words, I have lost count of how many times I have told people not to use this phrase. If you are curious why do some research on this thread else just take my advice and stop using it.
these people find listening to musicals after a stressful day at work quite relaxing and entertaining.

Owing to unstable economic situations and low income, many people now have to work longer shift or take on multiple jobs to make ends meet.
Now I really don't like arguments like these. This are what I call "universal argument" and can be used in essay topic. Like from entertainment to economic situation.
This coupled with longer hours spent in traffic has increased work-related stress. The lyrics and beats of the song calms the nerves and brain rather than task it as some other activities. Thus people working stressful jobs find succor and relief in music. Recent medical studies for example, have found that listening to music has been prescribed as a non-drug related therapy prescribed by physicians to combat stress and depression.
Good thing. English is good and no real issues with Grammar. Task response, in my opinion, is sketchy. An examiner may feel otherwise but I doubt it.

On the other hand, Without on one hand this looks weird.

some people believe and i agree that preserving folk music is of great importance since it helps to protect the history and beliefs of a people. Different cultural groups or tribes in a country have a musical genre that is unique to them which are usually performed during special celebrations including wedding, burial, coronation. An illustration of this is the 'rara song' commonly sang during wedding ceremony among the Yoruba speaking tribe of Nigeria globally. The song has been attributed to the success of a marriage because the song profers advice to young couples on how to handle different marital issues that may arise. Continous existence of such art can only be possible if it is preserved by its people. Furthermore, most ancient songs were composed as a result of either personal experiences or a economic situations of a place, therefore, it passes meaningful messages to its listeners. Such music have often been reported to be played frequently in households where parents adopt this style as a means of teaching morals to children. Although, some people may argue that international music is more globally acceptable, this is only true in some countries. Hip-hop, R and B are examples of international musicals that are rejected by some because they are mostly uncensored and contains usage of strong languages which can have a negative psycological effect on its listeners. Traditional music enables individuals to easily identify and associate with their roots anywhere in the world.
(wo)man I will be honest. I was lost after first few lines. Seems like you just let yourself flow in emotions. I get it this topic is weird. So I would rather not judge your essay skills on this topic.

In conclusion, music is highly required because of it is benefits on mental health. While there are several types of music globally, the contemporary songs need to be saved from extinction as a result of it cultural and moral value.
Let's forget this essay. Please pick a more recent topic and come back again. And take care of paragraphing and keep your arguments simple, short and understandable.

All the best!
 
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cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
I’m watching this Jay guy from E2learning (I’m not sure) and this is the way he writes his introductions..
Don't know who that is but those introductions should be avoided. I followed Liz and found her suggestions logical. I didn't quite agree with some suggestions which I just ignored.

Oh no on the contrary.... it was a good splash of ice cold water on my face... I’ve read no less than 50 essays and written maybe 10 after reading that post.
I like the positivity. All the best!
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
@cansha

After your post I went back and tried to apply ur advice to this essay.
I also watched videos of this Liz person that I didn’t know existed (I cannot believe I didn’t watch them before)

Well heres the new one
Be kind lol

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Sorry for delay. I know your exam is just 2 days away. So, I can't go into a lot of depth on this one. All the best for exam!

Healthcare systems are dealing with an increased amount of pressure resulting from the relatively new illness, Obesity obesity. People believe that adding more physical education classes in schools is the most effective way to tackle this issue. While I absolutely agree with this solution. However, in my opinion, a good diet is essential as well. I like the idea the execution is flawed. Read your sentences again.
Good attempt at an introduction.

Many teachers in schools and most parents at home ignore the importance of exercise and the food choices children make. Nurseries and primary schools should put in extra lessons that consist of different kinds of exercises such as, dance, volleyball or swimming for instance to keep youngsters interested. This change would make pupils more eager to go to school since gym class is considered fun and may help them develop a love to a specific sport in the future thus, having a positive long lasting effect on their health. In addition, another viable solution would be keeping track of a child’s intake and types of foods they eat. I believe youngsters are too immature to be responsible for the outcomes of their food choices. It is the responsibility of the parents to ensure their child has access to healthy meals and snacks.
Good!

However, obesity isn’t necessarily due to over eating alone. Many medications can cause extreme weight gain as well as psychological or thyroid problems for instance. In some cases, it is important that a person receives medical attention and consistent checkups since there are exceptions to everything. One of the main reasons why over weight people are flocking towards surgeries and medication is due to encouragement from doctors. Instead of advising a patient to go under the knife or swallow harmful pills and substances, doctors should educate their patients about healthy diet and nutrition. Furthermore, therapy has been found to be very helpful for bing eaters.
I don't know what to say about this one. This is kind of on the topic but not really the topic that is asked. This paragraph makes it tricky. I'm not sure how an examiner would have taken this.

After discussing the 2 main solutions to avoid obesity, it’s clear that this is a preventable illness. In conclusion, I personally opine that introducing more physical education lessons will absolutely help relieve some pressure from the health care system as well as prevent many other health issues for future generations.
Why no mention of diet which you argued in introduction in conclusion?

All the best for your exam!
 
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cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Please review my essay
Question : Some people believe that internet makes it easier to get education online where as others think that it is more beneficial to take a course in a classroom.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Certain individuals prefer to take education online where as others think it is best to attend lectures in a classroom.In my opinion it is better to attend classroom lectures.
People choose to take up internet education courses for a variety of reasons.Firstly,these courses are beneficial for working individuals who do not have time to go and attend a classroom lecture.for example a person with a day job can take the online courses in his free time at nigjt.secondly taking a course online helps in saving time which would have been consumed during travel. finally certain introverts prefer to study alone rather than amongst people in a classroom.
On the other hand classroom lectures have their own advantages.Studying in a group with peers develops a sense of competition.for instance a person can be more motivated in learning in a group to perform better.Furthermore attending classroom lectures develops discipline in an individual which will help them in their future jobs.
In conclusion even though both cyber courses as well as classroom lectures have their own benefits in my opinion classroom education is more beneficial.
Hey I'm not sure if you are aware of the minimum word count on IELTS task 2. You have to write a minimum of 250 words and there is no way these are 250 words. Hence, it doesn't matter how good you have written here you will not get more than 6.5 in score. Please go back and read up on IELTS task 2 and come back with an essay which fulfills the word count criteria. It is too short to evaluate.