Writing Task 1 Academic - Band 7+

[Praxis]

To ZigZag85 -
Just a couple of points quickly: the task isn't phrased in an IELTS style. Probably more like 'Some people think that young people should be encouraged to move away from home when they become adults. Other people say that it is better for them to remain with their family for as long as possible. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.' Always pay very close attention to the wording and the task (discuss both views ...)

Overall, you're on the right track but your supporting points are a bit 'thin' and underdeveloped. This is 261 words, so you might think that you can't add much more, but here's what I would do.
1) "In this essay, I will discuss both point of views and give reasons to support my own before reaching a conclusion." Delete this. It doesn't add anything to your essay and many candidates use it, especially at the 6 level. Your intro works perfectly without it.
2) " a recent study in the U.S shows that almost 85% of international students had mild depression" Delete this. Again, it may not hurt you necessarily, but higher level candidates don't use invented data. Just use your own ideas.
3) This isn't an advantage/disadvantage essay. Instead of framing the essay in terms of 'advantages/disadvantages' as you do, it would be better to represent each view, more like:

On the one hand, some young adults prefer to move out and live on their own to become self-reliant and independent. They ... \\

On the other hand, many young people, especially before entering the workforce, prefer to continue living at home where they can ...

4) A small thing - avoid the verb 'opine' in your conclusion. You won't likely lose marks for one word, and it is a valid word, but native speakers would never use it.

5) A high level response (8 or 9) would probably give a nuanced answer with a conclusion like: In my opinion, I believe it feasible and desirable for young people to receive the support of their family by living at home while they are still studying in university. However, when they begin their worklife and can support themselves, living independently is definitely the way to go.

Cheers and good luck

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please, take 5 minutes of your free time to check my last draft, point out my mistakes and suggest useful solutions.
Thanks!

Essay topics: Childhood obesity is increasing at rapid rates in developed countries.
What are some of the causes of this problem? What are some ways in which childhood obesity rates can be reduced?

Obesity amongst children is a growing concern in developed nations, since they are witnessing an overwhelming increase in numbers of obese kids. The cheap price of processed food and the lack of physical exercise could be considered as main causes of this epidemic. Fortunately, local governments can easily tackle this social issue by imposing high taxes on unhealthy foods and making mandatory the practice of exercise.

First, it is a palpable fact that the price of unhealthy/processed food (those filled with sugar and unnamable ingredients) is quite cheaper than healthy ones (vegetables, fruits, organic products). Families, particularly low-income, prefer to spend their food budget in this type of food, since a big amount of products can be bought with less money. Secondly, it is no a secret that nowadays kids spends hours on end, either watching TV or playing video games. They barely do exercise, or even practice a sport, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle. These two factors, an unhealthy diet and a lack of exercise, highly contribute to the childhood obesity.

Luckily, there are feasible solutions to overcome this problem. Public administrations can enact legislation in which levy taxes on processed foods. This extra charge would definitely act as a deterrent for families who normally buy these items. Additionally, by law, governments can declare the act of exercising as an intrinsic obligation for all kids, making directly liable parents, with economic fine, if kids don't practice a sport or exercise their bodies. In Spain, for instance, who has the second high rate of childhood obesity in Europe, has been applied these remedies since 2016, and has reduced by 30% the obesity rate in kids, according to the last report.

To sum up, the uncontrolled increase of obese children is due to the fact that many families feed theirs kids with the cheapest food on the market, and do not encourage them to do exercise, letting that TV being their best friend. However, governments hold the power to put a halt on this increasing problem by making high taxable unhealthy foodstuffs and legally obligating kids to exercise.

 

[Praxis]

Please, take 5 minutes of your free time to check my last draft, point out my mistakes and suggest useful solutions.
Thanks!

Essay topics: Childhood obesity is increasing at rapid rates in developed countries.
What are some of the causes of this problem? What are some ways in which childhood obesity rates can be reduced?

Obesity amongst children is a growing concern in developed nations, since they are witnessing an overwhelming increase in numbers of obese kids. The cheap price of processed food and the lack of physical exercise could be considered as main causes of this epidemic. Fortunately, local governments can easily tackle this social issue by imposing high taxes on unhealthy foods and making mandatory the practice of exercise.

First, it is a palpable fact that the price of unhealthy/processed food (those filled with sugar and unnamable ingredients) is quite cheaper than healthy ones (vegetables, fruits, organic products). Families, particularly low-income, prefer to spend their food budget in this type of food, since a big amount of products can be bought with less money. Secondly, it is no a secret that nowadays kids spends hours on end, either watching TV or playing video games. They barely do exercise, or even practice a sport, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle. These two factors, an unhealthy diet and a lack of exercise, highly contribute to the childhood obesity.

Luckily, there are feasible solutions to overcome this problem. Public administrations can enact legislation in which levy taxes on processed foods. This extra charge would definitely act as a deterrent for families who normally buy these items. Additionally, by law, governments can declare the act of exercising as an intrinsic obligation for all kids, making directly liable parents, with economic fine, if kids don't practice a sport or exercise their bodies. In Spain, for instance, who has the second high rate of childhood obesity in Europe, has been applied these remedies since 2016, and has reduced by 30% the obesity rate in kids, according to the last report.

To sum up, the uncontrolled increase of obese children is due to the fact that many families feed theirs kids with the cheapest food on the market, and do not encourage them to do exercise, letting that TV being their best friend. However, governments hold the power to put a halt on this increasing problem by making high taxable unhealthy foodstuffs and legally obligating kids to exercise.

 

[Praxis]

This essay handles to topic very well, answers the question directly, 2 causes and a couple possible solutions. Clear opinion. Well-organized. You also have a good range of grammar with just a couple minor issues.

Here's some tips to focus on vocabulary though. You have a wide range of vocabulary, and spelling and word forms are mostly accurate. But some words are not used precisely. Here are some examples of your *good* vocab and collocations: growing concern, witnessing an increase, imposing taxes on, mandatory, enact legislation, levy taxes, liable, remedies - those are all excellent.

Here's a few that are a bit imprecise:
1) 'Fortunately governments can easily tackle ...' new taxes and legislation are not usually done 'easily'. Also, your linker 'Fortunately' (and later 'Luckily') doesnt fit this situation well. Both words are evaluative or persuasive. In your introduction especially, you want to just state your opinion. You might write: In order to tackle this social issue, I believe that governments ought to impose ....'

2) palpable fact - unusual collocation. It makes some sense but it seems redundant and isn't commonly used by native speakers.

3) quite cheaper - use quite as an adverb for regular adjectives (quite cheap), but not for comparatives. Use 'considerably cheaper'

4) highly contribute - this is grammatically ok, but the collocation we use would be ' contributes significantly to childhood obesity'

Those are a few examples from your text - just want to demonstrate that you fit the profile of a student with a broad vocabulary that is sometimes a bit ambitious in your choice of words, occasionally just a little off. But, on balance, your good vocabulary overcomes these minor glitches.

That's a really good essay overall - just 'a few tweaks' and it could be perfect. (<-- good expression)

Good luck

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

The chart illustrates the different social and economic areas in which UAE government spent its national funding by 2000. Overall, the highest investment of this budget was made on Social Security, while the least proportion was on transport.

As can be seen from the chart, the largest amount of money went to social security and health and personal services sectors, with 100 billion and 53 billion, respectively. As opposed to transport, which received only 9 billion, followed by industry, agriculture and employment, which allocation amounted to 13 billion.

Education was the third area in obtained a large quantity of the budget, accounting for 38 billion AED. Equal sum (23 billion) was allocated to paid debt interest and other expenditure, being slightly higher than the amount assigned to defense sector. UAE government spent in law and order 2 billion quite a bit less money than in housing, heritage and environment sector.

150 words.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

The given diagram depicts the different steps involved in the brick manufacturing process. Overall, brick production comprises seven stages, starting from the digging stage and ending in the delivery stage.

First, the clay is digging out by a larger dragger machine, which put the clay over a metal grid to remove rocks and others particles. Then, with the help of a roller machine, the clay is mashed carefully to obtain a fine powder, which is subsequently mixed with sand and water. At this point, the brick manufacturer has two options to make rectangular clay bricks: the wire cutter or the mould.

Once the raw brick are shaped, they are carried into a drying oven where they remain between 24 - 48 hours. After that, they are kept in a kiln, undergoing temperatures from high to moderate, reaching up to 1300 degree centigrade, and then are placed in a cooling chamber for around 48 - 72 hours. Finally, the bricks are packed and are ready to be delivered.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please score this essay. Thanks

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Today, there is sharp debate about what is the best way to deal with the ever increasing rate of crime. There is a school of thought that firmly believes that by increasing the imprisonment, the rate of criminality would definitely decrease. While others think that exists different methods to do so with greater effects. In my opinion, which is similar to the first statement, I think that by toughening the penalties, in terms of years, would be a feasible solution for this common issue.

On one hand, many think that criminal codes should be contained longer prison penalties as a way to deter people to commit crime. In other words, those who feel the temptation to break the law by committing any type of wrongful actions, would think twice to do so, since the ensuing punishment will mean not only spend months behind bars, but also could result in life imprisonment. In Spain, for instance, recently the criminal code was amended to introduce a new penalty for sexual crimes, passing from 10 years, as maximum, to life prison. All of this done, as a strategic to reduce the alarming rate of sexual assault within community.

On the other hand, others think that the best weapon, among others, to combat the crime is by educating the society about the social and moral values, and the respect each other, as citizen, deserve. Under this scenario, the criminality rates would be a minor issue. To do so, governments -local, regional, and national- should allocate more public fund to schools, college and universities, paying special attention to those locates in deprived areas. This wise technique is being applied for years in Germany, with positive results.

In conclusion, although it is true that the more educated a society is, the less crime would be committed, it is also painfully true that tough and lengthy jail sentences is the most effective vehicle to fights against the social phenomenon of criminality.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please @Praxis , I appreciate your sincere advise and suggestion about my writing. Please, take 5 minutes of your wonderful life to make happier another soul. Check my last draft. Thanks.

Blood sports have become a hot topic for debate in recent years. As society develops it is increasingly seen as an uncivilized activity and cruel to the helpless animals that are killed. All blood sports should be banned.

Today, the modern society is less tolerant with blood sports. Most modern people argued that this recreational activity is archaic and inhumane, and therefore it should be prohibited. As an animal lover, I outline and endorse this viewpoint because there are others ways in which spend our leisure time and have fun.

First, sacrifice animals for entertainment is an activity that belongs to the last century, where most people did not have education, and their empathy for other living things was zero. Nowadays, we live in world where all species should have the same rights to live, and their lives can be taken for humans with the only purpose for food or to make medical research to prevent diseases. This premise is followed by Spain. This European country, for years known as the land of bull fights, recently has forbidden by law this cruel festivity, and is allocating more funds in promoting its arts, cuisine and literature as a way to erase this shame past of its history.

Undoubtedly, society armed with these powerful arguments must persuade their parliaments to legislate in support of body of laws that make illegal this antiquated pastime. In addiction, governments, working hand in hand with the community, must encourage the practice of others activities that help people to cultivate their minds and souls, such as music, arts and the like.

In conclusion, our modern society under any circumstances should not longer tolerate this wrongly called "sports". Animals are living creatures as humans are, who can feel sadness and happiness, and have the right to be treated with respect. Moreover, we are civilized creatures, who are capable to distinguish between bad and good, so there is no argument whatsoever to continue to doing so anymore when there are hundreds of other inoffensive activities people can fall in love with.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please @Praxis, I appreciate your sincere advise and suggestion about my writing. Please, take 5 minutes of your wonderful life to make happier another soul. Check my last draft. Thanks


Essay topics: Some people say that the only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel to or work in a foreign country. Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.



There is a controversy about what incentive people to learn a new language. One school of thought affirm that the exclusive purpose of doing so is to be able to work and travel abroad. While others firmly believe that the reasons can be endless. In my opinion, while I understand and endorse the last statement, I think that the main motivational trigger for learning a new language is to be more competitive at a professional level.

On one hand, many people think that there are only two single reasons to study and master a new language, to visit and work in other countries. Knowing to speak a foreign language enable people to intensify their tourist experience, since they are able to understand and be understood local people. Moreover, having a new language among others professional skills, make easier the path to find a job outside of you own country.

On the other hand, others claim that the underlies causes that push people to initiate studies on a new language could be uncountable. For instance, a young Spanish adult who loves american singers (Lady Gaga), could want to learn the Shakespeare's tongue just for the only reason to recite English songs. So, the reasons could be vary in numbers and purposes, namely, acquire a new skill, curiosity, an inner desire to speak in a different language, etc. However this true, I firmly believe, based on my experience, that the essential motivation that move many people to learn a foreign language is competitiveness. In other words, be able to speak more than one language is a valuable and precious job skill, one is highly requested for many employers.

To sum up, the motivational roots for learning a new language can be infinite in numbers, and are not limited to a couple (explore or work abroad); however, there is no doubt that be knowledgeable in languages, two or more, make more attractive job seekers for prospective employers.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Essay topics: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care.

Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Traditionally, old British people decide to live in retirement living center or nursing housing when they get older and need extra help on a daily basis. This common scenario raise the questions about who should cover the cost for this care, whether the government or their relatives. In my opinion, both public administrations and family must be bear cost.

First, governments hold a social responsibility with their citizens, particularly with the elderly ones. Elder people, during their younger age, contributed with their efforts, work and commitment to build and support nation's economy and its greatness. Also, they religiously paid taxes and any other economy contributions, so they have earned the right to receive back a payment from the local authorities as a subvention or financial assistance to cover the fees to live in a residency.

Second, younger family members have a moral duty to their old ones. They should retributive the care, help and love they once got from their parents or grandparents. In Spain, for instance, there is an unwritten agreement among families (siblings) to take care of their elderly, economically speaking, once they are reach a point where special care and attention are needed. However, under the eventual scenario that elderly persons don't have relatives left or known, the government must be fully in charge of the well-being and care of them.

To sum up, the cost of living in a retirement home should be comprised by government and family financial contributions, awarding the help they once received from their seniors.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please score this essay. Thanks

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Today, there is sharp debate about what is the best way to deal with the ever increasing rate of crime. There is a school of thought that firmly believes that by increasing the imprisonment, the rate would definitely decrease. While others think that exist different methods to do so with greater effects. In my opinion, which is similar to the first statement, I think that by toughening the penalties, in terms of years, would be a feasible solution for this common issue.

On one hand, many think that criminal codes should be contained longer prison penalties as a way to deter people to commit crime. In other words, those who feel the temptation to break the law by committing any type of wrongful actions, would think twice to do so, since the ensuing punishment will mean not only spend months behind bars, but also could result in life imprisonment. In Spain, for instance, recently the criminal code was amended to introduce a new penalty for sexual crimes, passing from 10 years, as maximum, to life prison. All of this done, as a strategic to reduce the alarming rate of sexual assault within community.

On the other hand, others think that the best weapon, among others, to combat the crime is by educating the society about the social and moral values, and the respect each other, as citizen, deserve. Under this scenario, the criminality rates would be a minor issue. To do so, governments -local, regional, and national- should allocate more public fund to schools, college and universities, paying special attention to those locates in deprived areas. This wise technique is being applied for years in Germany, with positive results.

In conclusion, although it is true that the more educated a society is, the less crime would be committed, it is also painfully true that tough and lengthy jail sentences is the most effective vehicle to fights against the social phenomenon of criminality.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

engross: deep in thought, be trapped in thought of, thinking without, looked into our world, concious (absorto, ensimismado)
blunt, bluntness (contundente, brusco, romo)
to put in bluntly
entangle, tangle up, strings up
ensnred (enredar, atascar)
it is an actionable issue, so it can be bring into the judicial court
constraint: restriccion, limitacion
draw out
self-indulgence
self-defeating
strain: tension, esfuerzo. Forzar, cepa
beacon: it's my beacon, my light
detain, detainee,
can fall prey of
irredemably, unavoidable
irrespective, infallible
strive to learn
ruthless: despiado, ruin, malvado
reckless: carelessly, temeriaro
prowess, ability, feat,
delve into: indagar
downsizing
despondent, despondency: desesperado, abatido
petty: nimia, insignificante
belittle, demean, devalue, degrade, egragarious
injured pride, inflited pride
dwell on
of crutial importance , in my opinion is that
it has to be emphasized that
reflecting this idea
no hold barrel: sin trabas
make a qualitative leap in this regards
what is implied underneath
comply with the terms
mindlessly, unconsciously
plow ahead
be a whopping 4% : is un enorme 4%
at first glance it may not be clear how, that
wildful benefits
to binge: eat compulsively
offspring: wither situation
offset: compesar, contrarrestar
ascribe: atribuir, asignar
hazard (peligro, amenaza) noun
hazardous (peligroso) adjetive
jeopardize (verb)
jeopardy (noun)
creative
ensue (verb): resultar, surgir, seguir
the ensuing: consiguiente, subsiguiente
lackadaisical: informal, displicente
discomfort / disstress
encompass : abarcar, englobar
take in: tener en cuenta, aceptar
give in: ceder, aceptar
miss out on : perder la oportunidad
bicker: pelear, discutir
bickering
stern: severo, firme (popa)
sternely: serveramente, duramente
disrespectful behavior
insubordinate / unruly / rebellious comportament
conduct / behavior / performance
abide by= constrenido a, cumplir con, atacar, atenerse a
binding effects, legally binding, binding agreements
take great pains over= esforzarse mucho en algo
this mesuares help to persuade the community to act properly
adjudicate: arbitrar/juzgar/decidir
on the basis of /that: basandose en, sobre la base de
assess liability for injuries
harm
the balance of probabilities
beyond a reasonable doubt
compensation for lost and damages for injuries
protracted: prolongado
vulnerable (weaker) position
unforeseen circumstances
a set of circumtances
make a way into the people lives at an alarming rate.
to thwart attempts to: frustrar los intentos
boldness: audacia, valentia, osadia
nimbleness: agilidad, destreza
openhearted: sincero, honest, heartfelt
the finger of blame was pointed at her
unworkable: inviable, impracticable
unpleasantness
writ of summon
injuction (mandato)
grievance procedure (procedimiento de queja)
put forward a: presentar o ofrecer
affiliated / inflict / inherit/ inherently/
workforce
driven force
and such as,
the driving force
tertiary education
pitfalls: escollos
banded together in an attempt to overcome poor working conditions
be upheld: confirmada, ratificada
vicarious liability: responsabilidad indirecta
vindictive action: accion vengativa
pay in lieu notice
interlocutory injuction: medida cautelar (requisitos para ello)
take it at face value
work stoppage
flatly denied: negado categoricamente
moneylenders
abide by the law: atenerse/cumplir con las normativa
the law enforcement
amounted to : ascendiendo a
act accordingly: actuar de conformidad
be deemed: ser considerado
ongoing: en curso
to some extent/ to a large extent
it is the best vehicle for bringing chances to my life
(un) limited liability
vicariously liable
apparent advantages
interfere, incur, contravene, consent, agree to, propensity
surpass, outpace, outrun, outweigh, exceed
tackle that contigency
give rise to (da lugar a)
carry on business
set out: establece,
provision: medidas
non-remunerated work
legal entitlement
be entitled to
fiduciary duty to act in the best interests of the other partners
wrongful conduct/behaviour
be in breach / breach of trust
accidentally / inadvertently
accurate / accurately
the principle of estoppel: teoria de los actos propios
misdeeds: fechoria, delito, wrongful conduct of a third party
flatly: rotudamente, categoricamente
disastrous consequences
the splitting of comissions: distribucion de las comisiones
indebtedness: endeudamiento
the finger of blames was pointed at you
broad statements
widespread concern about
invade: invadir
overlap: solaparse
go into abeyance: caer en suspension y no ser mas applicada
irrespective: independientemente
essential aid: herramienta basica
idle: ocioso, vago, inactivo
idleness, lavishness, meanness, luxuriousness
indulgent, indulge (v): satisfacer, complacer
indulgency
luxury: expensive treat
brimming with ideas and enthusiasm
ill-conceived: mal concebido
stepping-stones
dismay: consternacion, desaliento: to our dismay (para nuestra consternacion)
handy: practico
scapegoat / guinea pig
leak out
as to: en cuanto
as for: en cuanto, to commence sentences or paragraphs
compelling reason
compel: convencer, obligar, persuadir
contempt: negative feeling towards someone or something ( desprecio, menosprecio)
largely: mayormente, en gran medida, en gran parte
this was largely due to
this can be explained largely due to lack of....
a whole slew of : un monton de
rely on : contamos con algo, o apoyarse en algo
shortsightedness: miopia
blindsided: cegados, impedidos
dangerousness: peligrosidad
sheer: absoluto
the sheer weight of: por el propio peso o por el peso de..
amassed, accumalated, gathered
mold, shape, configurate us
appraisal: evaluacion, valoracion
thrall: exclavitud
play out: jugar, representar algo que otros puedan observar
mob: turba, muchedumbre
move us like pawn.. This is a noun which mean a toy with wires: marionetta
shifts in perspective
overtly: abiertamente, publicamente
discern: perceive, dicernir
go astray: extraviarse, perderse, drift aimlessly
lead astray: equivocarse, dejarse enganar
cut from the same cloth: adagage, aforism, popular saying
draw upon: echar mano, utilize as a handy tool
draw: dibujar, atraer, preparar, extraer (sacar)
elicit: provocar, suscitar
enmesh: enredar, entagle, tangle up
greater: superior
woe: infortunio, dolor
woeful: lamentable, deplorable
economic / financial woes (problemas financieros)
get the gist (comprender la esencia)
mason.welp@gmail.com

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

IELTS Advantage challenge #1

Introduction
Paraphrase:
Many people argue in favor of disseminating a vast amount of information to the public through different means, namely science or academic papers. Others thinks that there is highly sensitive information that must be confidential. While people have the right to be informed about everything, uncovered certain privileged and invaluable knowledge could lead to disastrous consequences. In my opinion, I agree with the latter idea since the right of information is a relative concept.

P1: right to be informed / right of information
Explanation: it is an inherent right of human being
Example: medical researches to combat terminal illness (cancer)
Disagree: However, those knowledge can be used for negative purposes, therefore its dissemination must be under specific circumstances and uncovered to a few group.

P2: confidential knowledge that should not be disclosed publicly.
Explanation: could put on risk a business or, even, a country.
Example: Wikileaks
Agree: That is why I declare myself as a supporter of classified information/files since my own security is guaranteed.

Conclusion: restate the introduction and state clearly your opinion.