jesmithers said:
I guess I'm looking for support or something. I feel like I'm subconsciously avoiding my husband to avoid being reminded of this ridiculously long process. I'm wondering if this is normal in this type of situation.
We've been a couple for three years and have gotten very good at the long distance relationship routine. Our application was filed in April (it took a long time before we could apply because there were divorce issues to sort out before we could get married) so we hope we're in the home stretch now.
While we would have loved to live together, we always felt the gamble of having her come for a long visit and then extend her stay was too risky. The whole "maintaining ties to your home country" thing was a big hangup for us. For her to come and live with me for a long stretch would mean she would have had to surrender her apartment and leave her job. Then what would we do if her entry was refused or her request to extend her visit was denied? Sure, everyone says it is a common practice for US citizens (Heck, before we could get married, even CIC told us she should visit me for a year to establish common law status.) but we weren't going to risk her being sent back to the US with no place to live and no job. We felt minimizing the stress was important for our relationship, especially since she would be the one assuming all the risk.
It has been a struggle and it has been difficult, but I think we have adapted to the situation pretty well. In the early days of our relationship we travelled to see each other much more frequently, but only having limited vacation time at work and limited finances to buy flights soon meant we needed to pick and choose our visits more carefully.
The key to our success has been communication. Sure, we do the routine things like Skype almost nightly and send random "thinking of you" texts during the day, but it really comes down to communicating feelings and concerns. For us, the other person's activities are a big deal. There are certain things I would like to do, or places I would like to go, but I won't because I know it would bother her to miss out on them. The same goes for certain things on her end. The only way we were able to establish those "boundaries" was to be willing to open up and let the other person know how we felt. "You know, I have wanted to go to that museum for the longest time and it is something I was really hoping we could experience together. When I finally get to go with you, I think it would take away from the experience if you had already been there with your friends." It's not easy to be that vulnerable with someone, and it certainly takes a lot of discipline to be willing to sacrifice something you want to do because your partner is bothered by it. When doing the long distance thing, it adds a whole dimension to things because you really need to take the other person into account, even if they aren't there.
We try and keep things fun too. When we have our date nights, we'll jump onto Skype and cook the same meal together at the same time. We'll try and watch the same movie at the same time. We've even been known to try and find move showtimes that are close to each other (we're only one time zone apart) and go to the theatre together virtually. I was able to shift my lunch hour at work so some days we can even have lunch dates. We'll send random photos of ourselves to each other when we can't Skype -- just routine "here I am sitting at my desk" or "Here I am waiting for the train" type things. Just that little bit of communication to let the other know we're thinking about them all the time, even though we're 1500 miles apart.
We try and take a long term view of things. Having been apart this much means we've really learned how to communicate and -- even more important -- how to trust each other. When we're finally together, we will appreciate it even more than we would if she had been here the whole time. We'll understand what a privilege being together really is and we won't take each other for granted. We will know we've "battle tested" our relationship under harsh conditions and come through it successfully.
Remember, the hottest fire produces the strongest steel. Hang in there and know your time will come. Better days are ahead!
