Farney bhoy's jokes of the week. This one goes out to all those who received good news and especially Whiteknight who has finally had cause to celebrate, Mr E for being Mr E and last but not least my good man Chizzy. I give you
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. ... On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Two cardinals meet in the corridors of the Vatican.
"It's my birthday today," says one, "fancy coming out to celibate?"
What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins? Slippers.
What kind of rooms have no walls? Mushrooms.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon? The food is amazing, but I've heard its got no atmosphere.
Viagra eye drops.
They make you look hard.
New years resolution: Stop using spray on deodorant....
Roll on 2013
Police are warning of a new 'Alphabet Bomb'.
If it goes off, it could spell disaster.
Wikileaks for kids: There's no Santa
Thesaurus.... The most knowledgeable of all dinosaurs.
