Dealing with manipulative in-laws after spouse has landed

[tink23]

For those whose spouses have landed, how do you deal with manipulative in-laws from afar? My mother in-law is very manipulative of my husband and the stress he feels to help her even though he is here is monumental. I lived in his country for 3 years before we were married, and she never really welcomed me into her home or tried to get to know me. Now that my husband is a PR in Canada, she continues to put so much pressure on him. She won't do anything for herself- you'd think she was an invalid. I'm here for my husband and support him, however he needs to see how his mother is selfish and manipulative, so that we can truly be able to build our lives here together. We aren't going to shut her out, however, my mother in law needs to understand that this is our life, and that her needs and wants cant be put ahead of our own, especially when it comes to the point when we are ready to have children. Has anyone else experienced this manipulation from in laws in another country and have some advice on what I can do to help support my husband in putting himself and us first before his mother?

 

[keesio]

Where is your husband from? I know the mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law dynamic can be a big issue in many cultures, especially asia. Unfortunately this is far more common than it should be.

I read this a long time ago and it cracked me up (sadly):
http://stuffkoreanmomslike.blogspot.ca/2008/03/mother-in-lawdaughter-in-law-adversity.html

Yes my wife and I are ethnically Korean

 

[tink23]

My husband is from Dominican Republic in the Carribbean. The dynamic between mothers and sons there is unhealthy in my eyes, and unfortunately my MIL seems to be fitting the stereotype to a tee. Anything I read online is about dealing with manipulative in-laws when they're close by, but this has a totally different set of challenges, especially because she doesn't speak and English, and my Spanish is limited, especially to convey the things I need to convey to her.

 

[Leon]

It is also very common in the western culture to have stress with in-laws.

Sometimes when adults behave like children, you have to treat them like children. You have to be clear with her that her behaviour is out of line and this is not likely to bring you closer but more likely to drive you apart.

However, it has to come from your husband, not you. You should however be there when he talks to her to give him emotional support and also to make sure that he doesn't relay the request of change behaviour to all be coming from you because if he does, easier for him but likely to drive the wedge even further between you and your MIL.

 

[tink23]

Yes, very good advice, Leon.
This is part of the difficulty. My husband feels responsible for his mum because growing up it was pretty much just him and her (also a younger brother, but it was always my husband who had to step up). We need to be united that this is the life that he and I are making. Of course she can be a part of it, but her needs (wants) can't come ahead of our own and our marriage.

If we can get this under control and she can back off a bit, I would even be open to her applying for a visitor visa in the future, however, not if it is going to be like this and her thinking she is always #1.

I would think that dealing with this manipulative behaviour would be easier from afar, but it's not! I'd feel more in control if she was here close by.

 

[keesio]

However, it has to come from your husband, not you.

This is the big issue. Often times the husband feels it is inappropriate to standup to his parents because that would be a cultural taboo. Old school tradition is that elders come first. Parents come first. Daughter-in-laws are to serve her husband's parents. A son who does stand up to them would humiliate the parents and the parents would feel ashamed and mocked by their peers.

Standing up to the parents is easier done in western countries. But around the world, it is not so easily done. It is a very delicate solution.

 

[keesio]

I would think that dealing with this manipulative behaviour would be easier from afar, but it's not! I'd feel more in control if she was here close by.

It is definitely not. Be thankful you have distance. I would try to keep that distance as much as possible.

 

[CdnandTrini]

For those whose spouses have landed, how do you deal with manipulative in-laws from afar? My mother in-law is very manipulative of my husband and the stress he feels to help her even though he is here is monumental. I lived in his country for 3 years before we were married, and she never really welcomed me into her home or tried to get to know me. Now that my husband is a PR in Canada, she continues to put so much pressure on him. She won't do anything for herself- you'd think she was an invalid. I'm here for my husband and support him, however he needs to see how his mother is selfish and manipulative, so that we can truly be able to build our lives here together. We aren't going to shut her out, however, my mother in law needs to understand that this is our life, and that her needs and wants cant be put ahead of our own, especially when it comes to the point when we are ready to have children. Has anyone else experienced this manipulation from in laws in another country and have some advice on what I can do to help support my husband in putting himself and us first before his mother?

Hello tink23, this is a common issue in many marriages whether your mother-in-law lives abroad or across the street !! Did you ever watch the TV show "Everyone Loves Raymond"?

Guilt is a powerful tool wielded by some family members and it is very wise of both you and your husband to learn some techniques now to keep your sanity and not let this divide you as a couple. The likelihood of your mother-in-law changing drastically is low so you and your husband need to work as a team to change how you react and respond to her. Again it is important that you both present a united front. There are many, many resources dedicated to this topic (setting boundaries with friends and family) so you can get a lot of good information online or in the self-help sections of a book store or library.

First and foremost if your family are Christians the Bible states in Matthew 19:5 - For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. If you and your husband attend church you can usually find some good support there with a pastor or counseling referral.

Is your mother-in-law alone? Does she have other family members or friends to support her? How long has it been since your husband has landed? There is always time needed for major life transitions and if you are still in the early days perhaps more time is needed for feelings and emotions to settle down a bit.

One thing that many people have a difficult time adjusting to is the perception that the family member in Canada is now going to be "rich" and will financially rescue or support the remaining family members. Is this part of the problem? If so, it may be helpful to manage her expectations by devising a plan of "Mom, we can't do xyz; however, we can do abc". For example, "we cannot send you $100 a week but we can send $150 a month as we have our own expenses as well". Perhaps if you lay this out clearly and she knows what is realistic, she may not like it but she will adapt.

It is a big topic; however, the main thing is that you and your husband agree on the messages and stay consistent, firm and loving in the delivery of them to your mother-in-law. Try to be patient and instead of getting frustrated with her try to find out what her expectations actually are. When people feel frightened or anxious they often tend to exhibit their worst behaviours and that can escalate tensions. When you marry, you are also marrying the family so be prepared for a marathon, not a sprint . Best wishes and blessings.

 

[osdamour]

Your husband is the one to deal with his mother. I know it very difficult. I come from Africa and when my wife came to leave with me for 2 years,I saw how much she was sad. I put my family first and she was littlely fighting to make me understand that our needs should come first. I listen to her and had a talk with my family. That meeting broke a link with my family as they said I'm now thinking like a "white man". What is impotant for me now is that I love my wife and give me an inconditional love in return. I had to do this to save my marriage and when I will land in canada they will be no problem of this kind.

 

[tink23]

Hello tink23, this is common issue in many marriages whether your mother-in-law lives abroad or across the street !! Did you ever watch the TV show "Everyone Loves Raymond"?

Guilt is a powerful tool wielded by some family members and it is very wise of both you and your husband to learn some techniques now to keep your sanity and not let this divide you as a couple. The likelihood of your mother-in-law changing drastically is low so you and your husband need to work as a team to change how you react and respond to her. Again it is important that you both present a united front. There are many, many resources dedicated to this topic (setting boundaries with friends and family) so you can get a lot of good information online or in the self-help sections of a book store or library.

First and foremost if your family are Christians the Bible states in Matthew 19:5 - For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. If you and your husband attend church you can usually find some good support there with a pastor or counseling referral.

Is your mother-in-law alone? Does she have other family members or friends to support her? How long has it been since your husband has landed? There is always time needed for major life transitions and if you are still in the early days perhaps more time is needed for feelings and emotions to settle down a bit.

One thing that many people have a difficult time adjusting to is the perception that the family member in Canada is now going to be "rich" and will financially rescue or support the remaining family members. Is this part of the problem? If so, it may be helpful to manage her expectations by devising a plan of "Mom, we can't do xyz; however, we can do abc". For example, "we cannot send you $100 a week but we can send $150 a month as we have our own expenses as well". Perhaps if you lay this out clearly and she knows what is realistic, she may not like it but she will adapt.

It is a big topic; however, the main thing is that you and your husband agree on the messages and stay consistent, firm and loving in the delivery of them to your mother-in-law. Try to be patient and instead of getting frustrated with her try to find out what her expectations actually are. When people feel frightened or anxious they often tend to exhibit their worst behaviours and that can escalate tensions. When you marry, you are also marrying the family so be prepared for a marathon, not a sprint . Best wishes and blessings.

Thanks so much CdnandTrini! Yes, my mother in law is alone. She lives with my brother in law, however he has delays and so has never been turned to. It has only been my husband. We are going through an issue right now and when talking to her about it she kept saying "I'm his mother" (referring to my husband) "I'll take care of him." And when I said that I'm his wife, it is like I'm lesser than her in her eyes... If she had someone else, a long term partner or even another child that could be leaned on, I don't think my husband would feel quite so guilty. I would think that a mother would want her son to have a better life than she had growing up. Dominican Republic is a poor country and there are so many opportunities for my husband here in Canada, but the vibe she gives and things she says, it is like she just wants him there to help her, not because it is what's best for him.

We originally worked out that we would pay for her and my FIL monthly medical insurance, but because she has never really done much at all, at least since I've known my husband for the past nearly 6 years, she expects more. It definitely is going to be a long run and not a sprint. Thank you for that gospel quote. It is very true, and I think with time, some hard work, and probably some councelling my husband will be able to transfer his loyalty to me and not feel guilty or like he is abandoning his mother.

 

[CdnandTrini]

Thanks so much CdnandTrini! Yes, my mother in law is alone. She lives with my brother in law, however he has delays and so has never been turned to. It has only been my husband. We are going through an issue right now and when talking to her about it she kept saying "I'm his mother" (referring to my husband) "I'll take care of him." And when I said that I'm his wife, it is like I'm lesser than her in her eyes... If she had someone else, a long term partner or even another child that could be leaned on, I don't think my husband would feel quite so guilty. I would think that a mother would want her son to have a better life than she had growing up. Dominican Republic is a poor country and there are so many opportunities for my husband here in Canada, but the vibe she gives and things she says, it is like she just wants him there to help her, not because it is what's best for him.

We originally worked out that we would pay for her and my FIL monthly medical insurance, but because she has never really done much at all, at least since I've known my husband for the past nearly 6 years, she expects more. It definitely is going to be a long run and not a sprint. Thank you for that gospel quote. It is very true, and I think with time, some hard work, and probably some councelling my husband will be able to transfer his loyalty to me and not feel guilty or like he is abandoning his mother.

You are most welcome tink23 and I do sympathize with you as my husband and I are both the "go to" people for our mothers and we have worked out a good system to "manage" their expectations and my hubby is not even here yet!!

If your hubby has only been landed for 6 months he and your MIL are still adjusting to the new reality. Both of their feelings are pretty natural so I would kick back and give them their space to figure it out a bit more. Try not to get in between their dynamic, if you can help it......don't kill the messenger, if you know what I mean . Your hubby is physically with you now and she knew this change was coming (that is probably why she was not quite as "warm" to you when you were with him in his country ).

The other thing is that she probably does feel very conflicted about wanting your husband to have better opportunities - at the same time she is feeling abandoned. We all have feelings of conflict over things like that which is why your husband is feeling guilty and probably relieved as well. Old habits die hard for most of us. You are not "lesser in her eyes" she is simply frightened and is trying to engage you in a power struggle that is really non-existent. Remember "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.

I am sure that patience and time will eventually turn things around naturally and trust me, once you do have her first grandchild, she will be singing your praises to anyone who will listen.

 

[tink23]

You are most welcome tink23 and I do sympathize with you as my husband and I are both the "go to" people for our mothers and we have worked out a good system to "manage" their expectations and my hubby is not even here yet!!

If your hubby has only been landed for 6 months he and your MIL are still adjusting to the new reality. Both of their feelings are pretty natural so I would kick back and give them their space to figure it out a bit more. Try not to get in between their dynamic, if you can help it......don't kill the messenger, if you know what I mean . Your hubby is physically with you now and she knew this change was coming (that is probably why she was not quite as "warm" to you when you were with him in his country ).

The other thing is that she probably does feel very conflicted about wanting your husband to have better opportunities - at the same time she is feeling abandoned. We all have feelings of conflict over things like that which is why your husband is feeling guilty and probably relieved as well. Old habits die hard for most of us. You are not "lesser in her eyes" she is simply frightened and is trying to engage you in a power struggle that is really non-existent. Remember "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.

I am sure that patience and time will eventually turn things around naturally and trust me, once you do have her first grandchild, she will be singing your praises to anyone who will listen.

It's true. I can only feel inferior if I allow myself to feel that way. I just wish we could all have a wonderful relationship together. If she can just give us time it will get easier here for my husband, easier for my MIL there in DR, and once we can get a hold on things it will be easier for us to think about vacations, and maybe even attempting to get a visitor visa to see what life is like here for us. I really hope a mother wouldn't hold all this against her son, and be so selfish to expect him to be there for her all the time she feels the need and to expect him to put her first all the time. I understand it's hard to let go, but I would think that every mother would want a happy, successful marriage and future for her son.

Even though we have said we will wait a couple years to make sure we're completely financially secure (at least more than now) I wish I was pregnant to get her off of our backs and also so that my husband could hopefully transfer his loyalty more easily to me without feeling so guilty about his mother.

 

[CdnandTrini]

It's true. I can only feel inferior if I allow myself to feel that way. I just wish we could all have a wonderful relationship together. If she can just give us time it will get easier here for my husband, easier for my MIL there in DR, and once we can get a hold on things it will be easier for us to think about vacations, and maybe even attempting to get a visitor visa to see what life is like here for us. I really hope a mother wouldn't hold all this against her son, and be so selfish to expect him to be there for her all the time she feels the need and to expect him to put her first all the time. I understand it's hard to let go, but I would think that every mother would want a happy, successful marriage and future for her son.

Even though we have said we will wait a couple years to make sure we're completely financially secure (at least more than now) I wish I was pregnant to get her off of our backs and also so that my husband could hopefully transfer his loyalty more easily to me without feeling so guilty about his mother.

Maybe not the best reasons to have a baby you may still want to think about that! Your MIL has no choice but to give you both time. She is there and you and hubby are here! You will find that your hubby and MIL will eventually find some new equilibrium. In the context of these big changes for everyone and your relatively short timeline since hubby landed, these are all still fairly normal transitions, albeit a bit frustrating. A year from now you may be planning a baby shower.......are twins in your family?? lol.......

 

[tink23]

Maybe not the best reasons to have a baby you may still want to think about that! Your MIL has no choice but to give you both time. She is there and you and hubby are here! You will find that your hubby and MIL will eventually find some new equilibrium. In the context of these big changes for everyone and your relatively short timeline since hubby landed, these are all still fairly normal transitions, albeit a bit frustrating. A year from now you may be planning a baby shower.......are twins in your family?? lol.......

haha oh I know! Would probably add more stress right now than the stress that it would take away!
No twins in the family, thank goodness! Although I really can't wait to see what our little one(s) will look like!
I purchased a book on Kindle titled: "A Wife's Guide to In-Laws". Although the scenarios written about aren't exactly like ours, it is giving some helpful hints about how to bring up certain topics and follow ups to it, etc. I hope soon I can put some of these convos into place with my husband, but of course also giving it some time. It's mainly about getting your husband to understand your feelings and needs and helping him to transfer his loyalty to you rather than always jumping at his parents' every whim. Too bad my MIL isn't supportive enough to purchase a book titled: how to let go of your eldest son when he moves to a different country with his wife, for a brighter future and more opportunities!