Hi, you definitely have a good writing skill which could be more than enough for you in any aspects of life. However, I guess they would score your letter as 6.5.
IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
- Start date
Hi,
Can someone please review and suggest me areas for improvement.
Nowadays green energy is becoming even more prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue that the reduced cost and are better for environment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion
In recent times, great emphasis is placed on the production and consumption of green energy by various Nations. However, some people believe that it might pose danger to energy security. In my opinion, the use of green energy will essentially help in creating world, a better place to live.
On one hand, there are obvious benefits associated with using green energy. This will bring down the energy production cost for both developed and developing Nations. Today for instance, countries averagely spend 20% of their budget on electricity production. Thereby, adoption of renewable resources such as solar power, for production of electricity will immensely bring down the expenditure. Furthermore, using renewable resources will help in preserving environment and making it sustainable for future generation.
On the other hand, some people argue that green energy poses a threat to energy security. This is because, currently the production of energy is centralised and authority lies in the hands of government. But, the schema for generation of energy from renewable resources can be replicated by anyone. This will result in easy production of electricity which can be used for unethical purposes. New York Times, reported that various terrorist groups were found generating and transmitting energy to there alliances for creating weapons. Indeed, it becomes compulsory to impose restrictions on the energy creation, so that such instances can be prevented in future.
In conclusion, though there are certain threats to national security associated with the use of green energy, but the benefits in terms of conserving the environment for future generation is the need of the hour.
Can someone please review and suggest me areas for improvement.
Nowadays green energy is becoming even more prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue that the reduced cost and are better for environment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion
In recent times, great emphasis is placed on the production and consumption of green energy by various Nations. However, some people believe that it might pose danger to energy security. In my opinion, the use of green energy will essentially help in creating world, a better place to live.
On one hand, there are obvious benefits associated with using green energy. This will bring down the energy production cost for both developed and developing Nations. Today for instance, countries averagely spend 20% of their budget on electricity production. Thereby, adoption of renewable resources such as solar power, for production of electricity will immensely bring down the expenditure. Furthermore, using renewable resources will help in preserving environment and making it sustainable for future generation.
On the other hand, some people argue that green energy poses a threat to energy security. This is because, currently the production of energy is centralised and authority lies in the hands of government. But, the schema for generation of energy from renewable resources can be replicated by anyone. This will result in easy production of electricity which can be used for unethical purposes. New York Times, reported that various terrorist groups were found generating and transmitting energy to there alliances for creating weapons. Indeed, it becomes compulsory to impose restrictions on the energy creation, so that such instances can be prevented in future.
In conclusion, though there are certain threats to national security associated with the use of green energy, but the benefits in terms of conserving the environment for future generation is the need of the hour.
Hello All, I need your help in evaluating my essay and letter. I am always stuck with 6.5 in writing. Kindly let me know which area i should give more focus on...
Please find my letter below:
You recently travelled on a train which arrived very late and you faced many problems. Write a letter to the owner of the company.
Include the below points:
a) Where were u going
b) What problems did u face
c) What actions would u like the owner to take?
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to raise complaint against the delay of your train,A2HZ on last week.
I took the train from Hospital station Bangalore at 22.00 hrs on Friday last week. I was traveling to Electronic city station, Pune for an official purpose and booked the first class compartment through online. The seat number was F12.As per the schedule time, the arrival was on 6.00 hrs. .Unfortunately the train got delayed and reached at 11.00hrs.
I came to attend an interview at Pune and it was organized by the A-one company for 10.00hrs.I was late to attend the interview and thus it got cancelled. I tried convincing them about the delay happened by train; however, the company was not ready to reschedule the interview.
Therefore, I would like to express my dissatisfaction here and demand my travel cost to be reimbursed .Moreover, I am extremely disappointed with your service and would like to raise the complaint on this with the authority.
I am expecting my amount to be refunded soon and look forward an immediate response.
Yours faithfully,
Kiran Johnson
Please find my letter below:
You recently travelled on a train which arrived very late and you faced many problems. Write a letter to the owner of the company.
Include the below points:
a) Where were u going
b) What problems did u face
c) What actions would u like the owner to take?
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to raise complaint against the delay of your train,A2HZ on last week.
I took the train from Hospital station Bangalore at 22.00 hrs on Friday last week. I was traveling to Electronic city station, Pune for an official purpose and booked the first class compartment through online. The seat number was F12.As per the schedule time, the arrival was on 6.00 hrs. .Unfortunately the train got delayed and reached at 11.00hrs.
I came to attend an interview at Pune and it was organized by the A-one company for 10.00hrs.I was late to attend the interview and thus it got cancelled. I tried convincing them about the delay happened by train; however, the company was not ready to reschedule the interview.
Therefore, I would like to express my dissatisfaction here and demand my travel cost to be reimbursed .Moreover, I am extremely disappointed with your service and would like to raise the complaint on this with the authority.
I am expecting my amount to be refunded soon and look forward an immediate response.
Yours faithfully,
Kiran Johnson
Also , please find below my essay...
Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers others disagree .Discuss both views and give your opinion
Although it is considered by many that gifting money to youngsters would be the best option a person can do, others are against the same. In my opinion, this would bring down their concentration on studies and can lead them to bad behaviors.
One the one hand, children can learn the value of money by presenting them with the same. In other words, they would start learning the importance of money in their life. For example, children would start realizing the cost for each items they are buying and thus they would try to put the control on it whether it related to food items they are buying or the apparels they are buying. Moreover, the money which they got from their parents could be used for their study purposes. To illustrate, students can buy their textbooks or study guides with money they received from their parents. Thus, they would not need to ask their parents again for the amount.
On the other hand, the money provided to teenagers would create more issues in their life and I agree. Firstly, the money would make them lazy in studies. It means that they would lose interest to learn and go behind the things that they would get using money. Buying video games can be considered as a good example for this. Secondly, the gifted money would be misused for bad purposes as well. With the influence of friends one can learn bad habits. Once they have the money, they could try buying tobacco products or liquor items which are harmful to the body. Moreover, there are chances such as they would become addicted to those habits. Because of all these, I am against the process of gifting money to adolescents.
In conclusion, I would like to stress that gifting money to teenagers could be detrimental because it can lead to loss of interest in studies and they are more chances to learn bad habits from peers.
Really require your help guys....Can some one tell me my band and where I should give more concentration on.....
Thanks again...Kj
Some people think that money is the best gift for teenagers others disagree .Discuss both views and give your opinion
Although it is considered by many that gifting money to youngsters would be the best option a person can do, others are against the same. In my opinion, this would bring down their concentration on studies and can lead them to bad behaviors.
One the one hand, children can learn the value of money by presenting them with the same. In other words, they would start learning the importance of money in their life. For example, children would start realizing the cost for each items they are buying and thus they would try to put the control on it whether it related to food items they are buying or the apparels they are buying. Moreover, the money which they got from their parents could be used for their study purposes. To illustrate, students can buy their textbooks or study guides with money they received from their parents. Thus, they would not need to ask their parents again for the amount.
On the other hand, the money provided to teenagers would create more issues in their life and I agree. Firstly, the money would make them lazy in studies. It means that they would lose interest to learn and go behind the things that they would get using money. Buying video games can be considered as a good example for this. Secondly, the gifted money would be misused for bad purposes as well. With the influence of friends one can learn bad habits. Once they have the money, they could try buying tobacco products or liquor items which are harmful to the body. Moreover, there are chances such as they would become addicted to those habits. Because of all these, I am against the process of gifting money to adolescents.
In conclusion, I would like to stress that gifting money to teenagers could be detrimental because it can lead to loss of interest in studies and they are more chances to learn bad habits from peers.
Really require your help guys....Can some one tell me my band and where I should give more concentration on.....
Thanks again...Kj
Chances of listening score changing are very less as that is more objective type questions. Sadly, you may have to attempt again.Dear all,
Today I have got my IELTS result below from DP-PB
L=7.50,
R=7.00,
W=6.50,
S=8.00,
Over All=7.50 Scores
Obviously, I did not score what I needed, 8777. Please suggest if I should go for revaluation where I suppose my writing can score can change but anyone has seen listening got changed too.
Please advice.
Next step : I am planning for IDP CB - Please suggest if anyone has any tip or experience for the same.
@hope @CanSA - need your special guidance.
["Neha_89, post: 7930669, member: 877707"]Hi,
Can someone please review and suggest me areas for improvement.
Nowadays green energy is becoming even more prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue that the reduced cost and are better for environment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion
Your essay topic is also unclear to me. Seems like copy paste error. But I get the gist of it so let's review.
In recent times, great emphasis is placed on the production and consumption of green energy by various Nations. Bad paraphrasing. Read the topic again. Do you think use of Developed and Developing is by accident? Or is there a reason they want to say both Developed and Developing nations are using green energy.
However, some people believe that it might pose danger to energy security. I think this was missing from your topic sentence above.
In my opinion, the use of green energy will essentially help in creating world, a better place to live. Weak introduction. Because I don't know why you think so. You need to tell me something here for me to be interested in reading the essay. Point 1.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
On one hand, there are obvious benefits associated with using green energy. No nothing is obvious. It is an essay so make your argument. This is waste of a sentence. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
This will bring down the energy production cost for both developed and developing Nations. How will it bring cost down?
Today for instance, countries averagely spend 20% of their budget on electricity production. Thereby, adoption of renewable resources such as solar power, for production of electricity will immensely bring down the expenditure. Furthermore, using renewable resources will help in preserving environment and making it sustainable for future generation.How? No support statements for arguments.
On the other hand, some people argue that green energy poses a threat to energy security. This is because, currently the production of energy is centralised and authority lies in the hands of government. But, the schema for generation of energy from renewable resources can be replicated by anyone. This will result in easy production of electricity which can be used for unethical purposes. New York Times, reported that various terrorist groups were found generating and transmitting energy to there alliances for creating weapons. This is a really wild argument. I don't know why you are saying such thing. May be the missing piece in the topic sentence has something to do with it.
Indeed, it becomes compulsory to impose restrictions on the energy creation, so that such instances can be prevented in future.
Just ignoring the validity of your argument in BP2. Your essay structure is bad. Point 2.5 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
In conclusion, though there are certain threats to national security associated with the use of green energy, but the benefits in terms of conserving the environment for future generation is the need of the hour.
Poor conclusion https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485. Refer to all points in heading 3.
Overall this essay has all the common problems that have been discussed and dissected many times over in this thread. That was the reason I had to write that summary post because I was giving same feedback again and again. But it happens when you just start writing and learning about IELTS essay.
There are 3 keys to score a 7 (and I say 7 and not any score above 7)
1. Read more essays and understand the IELTS essay structure.
2. Do not secretly believe you want to score a 8
3. If you can do 2 then just forget about Lexical Resources and Grammatical Range. Just focus on Task Response. If you have a good task response you will score a 7. If your task response is bad there is no chance you will score a 7 even if you have good lexical resources. [/QUOTE]
Can someone please review and suggest me areas for improvement.
Nowadays green energy is becoming even more prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue that the reduced cost and are better for environment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion
Your essay topic is also unclear to me. Seems like copy paste error. But I get the gist of it so let's review.
In recent times, great emphasis is placed on the production and consumption of green energy by various Nations. Bad paraphrasing. Read the topic again. Do you think use of Developed and Developing is by accident? Or is there a reason they want to say both Developed and Developing nations are using green energy.
However, some people believe that it might pose danger to energy security. I think this was missing from your topic sentence above.
In my opinion, the use of green energy will essentially help in creating world, a better place to live. Weak introduction. Because I don't know why you think so. You need to tell me something here for me to be interested in reading the essay. Point 1.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
On one hand, there are obvious benefits associated with using green energy. No nothing is obvious. It is an essay so make your argument. This is waste of a sentence. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
This will bring down the energy production cost for both developed and developing Nations. How will it bring cost down?
Today for instance, countries averagely spend 20% of their budget on electricity production. Thereby, adoption of renewable resources such as solar power, for production of electricity will immensely bring down the expenditure. Furthermore, using renewable resources will help in preserving environment and making it sustainable for future generation.How? No support statements for arguments.
On the other hand, some people argue that green energy poses a threat to energy security. This is because, currently the production of energy is centralised and authority lies in the hands of government. But, the schema for generation of energy from renewable resources can be replicated by anyone. This will result in easy production of electricity which can be used for unethical purposes. New York Times, reported that various terrorist groups were found generating and transmitting energy to there alliances for creating weapons. This is a really wild argument. I don't know why you are saying such thing. May be the missing piece in the topic sentence has something to do with it.
Indeed, it becomes compulsory to impose restrictions on the energy creation, so that such instances can be prevented in future.
Just ignoring the validity of your argument in BP2. Your essay structure is bad. Point 2.5 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
In conclusion, though there are certain threats to national security associated with the use of green energy, but the benefits in terms of conserving the environment for future generation is the need of the hour.
Poor conclusion https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485. Refer to all points in heading 3.
Overall this essay has all the common problems that have been discussed and dissected many times over in this thread. That was the reason I had to write that summary post because I was giving same feedback again and again. But it happens when you just start writing and learning about IELTS essay.
There are 3 keys to score a 7 (and I say 7 and not any score above 7)
1. Read more essays and understand the IELTS essay structure.
2. Do not secretly believe you want to score a 8
3. If you can do 2 then just forget about Lexical Resources and Grammatical Range. Just focus on Task Response. If you have a good task response you will score a 7. If your task response is bad there is no chance you will score a 7 even if you have good lexical resources. [/QUOTE]
Dear Sir or Madam,Hello All, I need your help in evaluating my essay and letter. I am always stuck with 6.5 in writing. Kindly let me know which area i should give more focus on...
Please find my letter below:
You recently travelled on a train which arrived very late and you faced many problems. Write a letter to the owner of the company.
Include the below points:
a) Where were u going
b) What problems did u face
c) What actions would u like the owner to take?
I am writing to raise a complaint against the delay of your train,A2HZ
I took the train from Hospital station Bangalore at 22.00 hrs on Friday last week. I was traveling to Electronic city station, Pune for an official purpose and booked the first class compartment through online. The seat number was F12.As per the schedule time, the arrival was on 6.00 hrs. .Unfortunately the train got delayed and reached at 11.00hrs.
I came to attend an interview at Pune and it was organized by the A-one company for 10.00hrs.I was late to attend the interview and thus it got cancelled. I tried convincing them about the delay happened by train; however, the company was not ready to reschedule the interview.
Therefore, I would like to express my dissatisfaction here and demand my travel cost to be reimbursed .Moreover, I am extremely disappointed with your service and would like to raise the complaint on this with the authority.
I am expecting my amount to be refunded soon and look forward an immediate response.
Yours faithfully,
Kiran Johnson
I don't want to sound harsh but I really want to help you. So, I would be little blunt here. Your biggest challenge is Grammar. There are far too many errors and this thread is not the right place to get them fixed. You need to focus your efforts on fixing it and work with an English teacher. People here can help you structure your essays / letters, point some things that are necessary in IELTS but grammar is difficult to fix on a thread.
You can still score 7 with deficiencies in Grammar but then your content (task response) has to be top notch and that is extremely difficult for any of us.
All the best!
Thanks @cansha....Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to raise a complaint against the delay of your train,A2HZonlast week.
I took the train from Hospital station Bangalore at 22.00 hrs on Friday last week. I was traveling to Electronic city station, Pune for an official purpose and booked the first class compartment through online. The seat number was F12.As per the schedule time, the arrival was on 6.00 hrs. .Unfortunately the train got delayed and reached at 11.00hrs.
I came to attend an interview at Pune and it was organized by the A-one company for 10.00hrs.I was late to attend the interview and thus it got cancelled. I tried convincing them about the delay happened by train; however, the company was not ready to reschedule the interview.
Therefore, I would like to express my dissatisfaction here and demand my travel cost to be reimbursed .Moreover, I am extremely disappointed with your service and would like to raise the complaint on this with the authority.
I am expecting my amount to be refunded soon and look forward an immediate response.
Yours faithfully,
Kiran Johnson
I don't want to sound harsh but I really want to help you. So, I would be little blunt here. Your biggest challenge is Grammar. There are far too many errors and this thread is not the right place to get them fixed. You need to focus your efforts on fixing it and work with an English teacher. People here can help you structure your essays / letters, point some things that are necessary in IELTS but grammar is difficult to fix on a thread.
You can still score 7 with deficiencies in Grammar but then your content (task response) has to be top notch and that is extremely difficult for any of us.
All the best!
What abt my essay.. What do you think about the other three sections (I mean TR CC LR) of my essay... Whether it can overcome my problems on grammerDear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to raise a complaint against the delay of your train,A2HZonlast week.
I took the train from Hospital station Bangalore at 22.00 hrs on Friday last week. I was traveling to Electronic city station, Pune for an official purpose and booked the first class compartment through online. The seat number was F12.As per the schedule time, the arrival was on 6.00 hrs. .Unfortunately the train got delayed and reached at 11.00hrs.
I came to attend an interview at Pune and it was organized by the A-one company for 10.00hrs.I was late to attend the interview and thus it got cancelled. I tried convincing them about the delay happened by train; however, the company was not ready to reschedule the interview.
Therefore, I would like to express my dissatisfaction here and demand my travel cost to be reimbursed .Moreover, I am extremely disappointed with your service and would like to raise the complaint on this with the authority.
I am expecting my amount to be refunded soon and look forward an immediate response.
Yours faithfully,
Kiran Johnson
I don't want to sound harsh but I really want to help you. So, I would be little blunt here. Your biggest challenge is Grammar. There are far too many errors and this thread is not the right place to get them fixed. You need to focus your efforts on fixing it and work with an English teacher. People here can help you structure your essays / letters, point some things that are necessary in IELTS but grammar is difficult to fix on a thread.
You can still score 7 with deficiencies in Grammar but then your content (task response) has to be top notch and that is extremely difficult for any of us.
All the best!
[/QUOTE]["Neha_89, post: 7930669, member: 877707"]Hi,
Can someone please review and suggest me areas for improvement.
Nowadays green energy is becoming even more prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue that the reduced cost and are better for environment. Discuss both the views and give your opinion
Your essay topic is also unclear to me. Seems like copy paste error. But I get the gist of it so let's review.
In recent times, great emphasis is placed on the production and consumption of green energy by various Nations. Bad paraphrasing. Read the topic again. Do you think use of Developed and Developing is by accident? Or is there a reason they want to say both Developed and Developing nations are using green energy.
However, some people believe that it might pose danger to energy security. I think this was missing from your topic sentence above.
In my opinion, the use of green energy will essentially help in creating world, a better place to live. Weak introduction. Because I don't know why you think so. You need to tell me something here for me to be interested in reading the essay. Point 1.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
On one hand, there are obvious benefits associated with using green energy. No nothing is obvious. It is an essay so make your argument. This is waste of a sentence. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
This will bring down the energy production cost for both developed and developing Nations. How will it bring cost down?
Today for instance, countries averagely spend 20% of their budget on electricity production. Thereby, adoption of renewable resources such as solar power, for production of electricity will immensely bring down the expenditure. Furthermore, using renewable resources will help in preserving environment and making it sustainable for future generation.How? No support statements for arguments.
On the other hand, some people argue that green energy poses a threat to energy security. This is because, currently the production of energy is centralised and authority lies in the hands of government. But, the schema for generation of energy from renewable resources can be replicated by anyone. This will result in easy production of electricity which can be used for unethical purposes. New York Times, reported that various terrorist groups were found generating and transmitting energy to there alliances for creating weapons. This is a really wild argument. I don't know why you are saying such thing. May be the missing piece in the topic sentence has something to do with it.
Indeed, it becomes compulsory to impose restrictions on the energy creation, so that such instances can be prevented in future.
Just ignoring the validity of your argument in BP2. Your essay structure is bad. Point 2.5 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
In conclusion, though there are certain threats to national security associated with the use of green energy, but the benefits in terms of conserving the environment for future generation is the need of the hour.
Poor conclusion https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485. Refer to all points in heading 3.
Overall this essay has all the common problems that have been discussed and dissected many times over in this thread. That was the reason I had to write that summary post because I was giving same feedback again and again. But it happens when you just start writing and learning about IELTS essay.
There are 3 keys to score a 7 (and I say 7 and not any score above 7)
1. Read more essays and understand the IELTS essay structure.
2. Do not secretly believe you want to score a 8
3. If you can do 2 then just forget about Lexical Resources and Grammatical Range. Just focus on Task Response. If you have a good task response you will score a 7. If your task response is bad there is no chance you will score a 7 even if you have good lexical resources.
Thanks @cansha for detailed feedback.. I will work on the suggested areas and will try to implement all the points stated above.
If it is possible to share essaya which incorporates all best practices mentioned, it will be really helpful.. Thanks in advance
Kindky evaluate the essay.. onwillIbe grateful
Can someone kindly evaluate the writing piece.
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both sides and give opinion
Many people are with opinion favouring that parents should promote their children to participate in group activities, whereas on the contrary some people support the ability of the children to self occupancy. In my opinion group activities are more advantageous for the children and its benefit can eclipse the advantages arising out of self-sufficient activities.
Firstly, we would throw some light on the parents favouring group activities. The key advantage of organised group activity is the nurturing of ability in the child to work in a team. For example games involving team efforts like football, develops the ability of a child to work in coordination with his teammates. And activities like football make the functioning of brain faster, as the player has to anticipate many moves in a few seconds and has to implement them in accordance to his /her teammates.
Secondly, we would look at the other point of view among the people favouring self sufficiency. I would agree to an extent that child's ability to occupy himself on their own is needed, but this should not be the only skill that a child should adhere. Surely this would be very beneficial in situations where one has to utilise his time alone, in a positive way; but if we consider the real life scenario, one has to learn to be socially more interactive, be it in the jobs, colleges etc; they get into or the social environment with friends, neighbours, relationships and so on. For example self occupying activities like reading books is good, as reading definitely increases the knowledge of an individual, and surely the outcome of such activity is positive; whereas in a scenario when you are at a social event and you tend to start reading book it definitely depicts negative side.
Hence, after discussing both the aspects above I would conclude by stating, both the point of views are quite convincing and do have their benefits, but the benefits arising out of team building activities overshadows the benefits from the self occupying activities. So I would say nurturing team building attitude is more favourable for a child for a better future prospects of social bonding and will also enhance the ability of the brain to act in a swift, coordinated manner.
Can someone kindly evaluate the writing piece.
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both sides and give opinion
Many people are with opinion favouring that parents should promote their children to participate in group activities, whereas on the contrary some people support the ability of the children to self occupancy. In my opinion group activities are more advantageous for the children and its benefit can eclipse the advantages arising out of self-sufficient activities.
Firstly, we would throw some light on the parents favouring group activities. The key advantage of organised group activity is the nurturing of ability in the child to work in a team. For example games involving team efforts like football, develops the ability of a child to work in coordination with his teammates. And activities like football make the functioning of brain faster, as the player has to anticipate many moves in a few seconds and has to implement them in accordance to his /her teammates.
Secondly, we would look at the other point of view among the people favouring self sufficiency. I would agree to an extent that child's ability to occupy himself on their own is needed, but this should not be the only skill that a child should adhere. Surely this would be very beneficial in situations where one has to utilise his time alone, in a positive way; but if we consider the real life scenario, one has to learn to be socially more interactive, be it in the jobs, colleges etc; they get into or the social environment with friends, neighbours, relationships and so on. For example self occupying activities like reading books is good, as reading definitely increases the knowledge of an individual, and surely the outcome of such activity is positive; whereas in a scenario when you are at a social event and you tend to start reading book it definitely depicts negative side.
Hence, after discussing both the aspects above I would conclude by stating, both the point of views are quite convincing and do have their benefits, but the benefits arising out of team building activities overshadows the benefits from the self occupying activities. So I would say nurturing team building attitude is more favourable for a child for a better future prospects of social bonding and will also enhance the ability of the brain to act in a swift, coordinated manner.
Someone please review the essay and provide suggestionsKindky evaluate the essay.. onwillIbe grateful
Can someone kindly evaluate the writing piece.
Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both sides and give opinion
Many people are with opinion favouring that parents should promote their children to participate in group activities, whereas on the contrary some people support the ability of the children to self occupancy. In my opinion group activities are more advantageous for the children and its benefit can eclipse the advantages arising out of self-sufficient activities.
Firstly, we would throw some light on the parents favouring group activities. The key advantage of organised group activity is the nurturing of ability in the child to work in a team. For example games involving team efforts like football, develops the ability of a child to work in coordination with his teammates. And activities like football make the functioning of brain faster, as the player has to anticipate many moves in a few seconds and has to implement them in accordance to his /her teammates.
Secondly, we would look at the other point of view among the people favouring self sufficiency. I would agree to an extent that child's ability to occupy himself on their own is needed, but this should not be the only skill that a child should adhere. Surely this would be very beneficial in situations where one has to utilise his time alone, in a positive way; but if we consider the real life scenario, one has to learn to be socially more interactive, be it in the jobs, colleges etc; they get into or the social environment with friends, neighbours, relationships and so on. For example self occupying activities like reading books is good, as reading definitely increases the knowledge of an individual, and surely the outcome of such activity is positive; whereas in a scenario when you are at a social event and you tend to start reading book it definitely depicts negative side.
Hence, after discussing both the aspects above I would conclude by stating, both the point of views are quite convincing and do have their benefits, but the benefits arising out of team building activities overshadows the benefits from the self occupying activities. So I would say nurturing team building attitude is more favourable for a child for a better future prospects of social bonding and will also enhance the ability of the brain to act in a swift, coordinated manner.