ielts writing pls check general

[misstaken485]

A friend has agreed to look after your house and pet while you are on holiday.

Write a letter to your friend. In your letter

give contact details for when you are away
give instructions about how to care for your pet
describe other household duties
Write at least 150 words.


Dear Sally,

I'm writing this letter to give you my contact number if any problem arise during your stay at my house.
I want to thank you for helping me look after my house and my pet.

I will be staying in Richmond Hill Canada and if any problem or if you're in doubt with regards to my pet,
you can give me a ring with this contact number 905-883-3700.

My pet, Butch usually sleeps in the morning so don't disturb him. You just need to put water on the bottle and one cup of food on his tray. The box of food along with the cup is kept on the third drawer near the fridge. I also need you to change his beddings which is kept on the fourth drawer near the fridge I still have one bag of hay as far as I can remember.

Aside from taking care of my pet, I need you to clean my piano, just a sweep will do since it was given to me by my grandparents since I was a teenager. Thus, help me to change the bedsheets on the master bedroom and guest room, it's been two weeks that I was not able to change it.

Thank you for your help.

Hope to hear from you.


Regards,
Frances

 

[surb123]

hope it helps.

a) Please club the first 2 paragraphs and re-order the sentences. 3 paragraphs are more than enough
b) "Fill water in the bottle" is better than "put water on the bottle"
c) Punctuations are missing. Eg: "the box of food, along with the cup is kept......" and "beddings, which..." and I reckon, you can start a new sentence from "I still have one bag...."
d) Instead of "Aside from taking care of my pet...." you can say "Besides taking care of my pet....."
e) structuring will certainly help you with more points

You could have written:

Dear Sally,

Hope you are doing well! First of all, I am very glad that you could make up some time to take care of my house and my pet during my absence. If you have any issues, please reach out to me on 905-883-3700 or mail me at SSS@gmail.com.

I also thought it will be a good idea to let you know about how to take care of my pet and manage the house. As you know, my pet Butch usually sleeps in the day and he just gets up once to drink some water and eat some food. Appreciate if you could fill his water bottle and plate every morning. I have pasted a post-it on the fridge regarding the whereabouts of the food for Butch.

There are a couple of activities that have to be done everyday. Firstly, you have to dump all the garbage from kitchen bins into the bins outside the house. Replace the bedsheets twice a week and dump the used bedsheets in the laundry bucket. Turn off the unused lights before you go to sleep.

Take care,

XXX