CHC, Islamabad Spouse Sponsorship Timeline 2009 -2010

[Jaania]

Thank you all my friends for all the support and love, and if I call you friends I think you also deserve to know why I decided to end my marriage. Sorry I did not explain before but it was tough for me to share these things on the forum and it is still hard but I know many people here care about me so I have decided to share my story...

Our marriage (Nikkah only) was arranged so it was only three days after the Nikkah that I spoke to my wife for the first time. Few minutes in to our phone conversation she told me that she do not want to have a emotional relationship between us. I was sad to hear it because I really wanted to share everything with her and emotional connection was a very important part, at least for me. She explained that because we will be living so far away from each other, it will be easier to wait for each other if we are not emotionally close to each other. I did not argue with her because I thought she is only saying that and with time she will realize that she cannot plan how a relationship will develop, and I hoped that with time she will forget about this logic and we will fall in love with each other.

But as time passed we did not come emotionally close, and any time we developed feelings for each other she repeated the same thing that if she let her feelings take control she will have hard time waiting for me, and she doesn't want to have that problem. At that time the sponsorship time was only 12 months, and I thought it will be fine as the wait will be over soon and she will get over this problem as well.

Few more months passed and the sponsorship time went from 12 months to 20 months. It was really stressful for me because I felt our relationship getting weaker and weaker with time. And even though we did not have emotional connection, we were even losing the excitement and interest in each other that we had in the beginning. I asked her to remove the walls she had put up around herself, so that we can come closer and support each other, because now the wait was getting really long and I felt this is the time we can really use to make our relationship stronger.

This time she changed her logic and said its not just the wait, that she will find hard if she comes emotionally close to me, she explained that because in her past all the people that she had loved have gone away from her so now she can not let anyone come close to her anymore. She gave the examples of her sister who got married and went to Canada, and her brother who left for England to study, and when she was very young she had friends in her neighborhood but when her family moved she lost her friends. When I tried really hard to get her out of this shell, she said that she can only get over it once we are physically close.

Dealing with this situation, I was not just losing my mind I was also losing my health. I lost lot of weight, and felt really drained of energy all the time. Saw a doctor and I was diagnosed with ulcer in my stomach. But even then I did not lose hope and kept positive and kept trying to be close to her. I shared this issue with one of my friends and he suggested that if my wife thinks that physical closeness will end her psychological issues then I should ask her to apply for a visit visa.

I was really excited about this idea, and I called her the minute I came home. He reaction to this idea really surprised me, she was not excited at all and told me that she does not want to come to Canada until she gets her sponsorship completed. At that time I had lost all patience with her, and I stopped putting any effort in the relationship. I thought if I step back maybe she will do the effort to come close to me. Talking on the phone from two or three times a day we went to talking two or three time a week, then few weeks later it became once a week and then it became once a month.

At this time it had already been more then one year since our Nikkah and I had never shared this issue with anyone in the family. At that time I thought maybe if I tell my mother and her mother, they can tell her to make the change in her personality. Her mother she said that her daughter was right because it was only Nikkah and we were not really married so I should not expect too much from her. She said that it is because she is shy and she will get over it after we start living together.

I tried to explain to her mother all the problems but she did not see it my way. So I told them that either my wife will make the change in herself or she will not come to Canada because right now it is only Nikkah but once we are fully married, her personality will destroy both of our lives. But even after this she kept saying that she need to keep limitations between us and things between us did not improve.

After one and a half year into our relationship we had another big fight when she told be the same thing. This time her mother and her told me that she will not repeat these things and will do the effort to make this relationship stronger. Again time passed and even though she never said that she can not be emotionally close to me but she never did any efforts to create any kind of emotional closeness between us.

Last week I asked her, "dont you think its strange that in two years we never said love you to each other" She got really annoyed and asked me "why do you want a relationship in which we say love you to each other all the time?" I said I am not complaining that we don't say it all the time, I am saying we NEVER said it. She said she is not expressive like this... She said she is happy with the relationship the way it is and if I am not happy the problem is really only in my head. And that I should be happy with what I have instead of worrying about what I don't have.

In a way she was right, only if I could stop worrying about what I did not have, I could have lived my life happily. But how can I be happy without love in my life? In my heart I knew she will never love me, and we will live our lives like roommates, talking to each other only when we need to, nothing more nothing less. After I made the decision, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, at that time I knew I made the right decision.

I always thought I will be leaving this forum under happier circumstances, and I am sad to be leaving like this, but if anyone still needs to contact me, you can send me PM and I will make sure to answer it. Love all the friends here who always took time to help and support me.

Bye guys

 

DEAR BROTHER, YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE. IT IS REALLY HARD TO WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS COLD AND EMOTIONLESS. WE NEED LOVE IN OUR LIVES, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL BOND BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE WHICH ALLAH HAS PUT IN OUR HEARTS FOR EACH OTHER. DONT WORRY INSHALLAH YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT WIFE WHO WILL CHERISH YOU AND VISE VERSA.
TAKE CARE AND KEEP A POSITIVE MIND. ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD, IF YOU LOOK BACK YOU WILL STUMBLE AND FALL.

[Imtihaan]

i noticed one thing kai mian ko app dekh bhi lo nikkah sai phele agar woh app ko pasand bhi na ho..........lakin nikkah kai baad app ko is sai kudrate dillage ho jate hai........so tumhe bhi kudrati dillage ho gahe hoge   hai na.

Aap shayud sahi kehti ho Sawera. Its the power of few verses of Quran and the dua everyone does that can bring 2 completet strangers to live for each other. Alhumdulillah.

[s_design]

If u believe in living life to fullest and etc then I guess One should not get married (Come into NIKAH) unless u really know a person and both partners are compatible and bla bla. But come on. How can one be islamic and choose a partner based on compatibility and likes and dislikes. Arrange marriages are common in pakistan (somewhat) and usually cases like Sheraz occur throughtout the country. I dont know but one must see both sides of the picture before making any decisions and coming to any conclusions.

Islam has given women and men the right to agree or disagree to any proposal and being in Pakistan a guy should ask the girl or vice versa before making any committment. Its easy to tie a knot but very hard to open it. Communication is the key. I just pray that may ALLAH guide both spouses in providing the best islamic environment for their children and live a happy life. Becoz at the end of the day they only have eachother to comfort and support.

Wish u all a blessed and happy marital life. INSHAH ALLAH  

I agree with you, women and men have right to refuse to a proposal for any reason but once a knot has been tied one should show commitment. Now apply that to my wife, if she was not emotionally ready to be a wife she should have refused the proposal and after she had tied the knot she should have done the effort to get over her issue to show her commitment.

Even if after marriage a man or women, is unable or unwilling to perform their duties the other person has the right to end the marriage. This is the Islamic way.

[s_design]

I apologize s_design for speaking out loud without the background info.

No apologies necessary brother.

[Imtihaan]

No apologies necessary brother.
[/quo



its sister.

[s_design]

DEAR BROTHER, YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE. IT IS REALLY HARD TO WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS COLD AND EMOTIONLESS. WE NEED LOVE IN OUR LIVES, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL BOND BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE WHICH ALLAH HAS PUT IN OUR HEARTS FOR EACH OTHER. DONT WORRY INSHALLAH YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT WIFE WHO WILL CHERISH YOU AND VISE VERSA.
TAKE CARE AND KEEP A POSITIVE MIND. ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD, IF YOU LOOK BACK YOU WILL STUMBLE AND FALL.

"If you look back you will stumble and fall"... Very wise words, thank you.

[sawera]

I agree with you, women and men have right to refuse to a proposal for any reason but once a knot has been tied one should show commitment. Now apply that to my wife, if she was not emotionally ready to be a wife she should have refused the proposal and after she had tied the knot she should have done the effort to get over her issue to show her commitment.

Even if after marriage a man or women, is unable or unwilling to perform their duties the other person has the right to end the marriage. This is the Islamic way.

mian biwi ka rista basicly compromise karne ka hota hai...dono mai sai kisi ek ko ziyada karna parta hai...........jab ja kai heee gare agai chalte hai.......it takes a tym 10 to 15 years when they understand each other very well........wasai tu is forum mai atleast 90% asai mian biwi hogai jin ki larhe hote hoge for sure 

[s_design]

No apologies necessary brother.
[/quo

its sister.

No apologies necessary sis

[iftikhar505]

There is no way to spend your life with a pessimist. Because you would be making yourself miserable for the rest of your life.

[s_design]

There is no way to spend your life with a pessimist. Because you would be making yourself miserable for the rest of your life.

That is how I saw my life, without any love and happiness. And I knew I will not be able to make my wife happy too, if I was not happy.

[mrs zawar]

AOA S_DESIGN,
I will pray for you that you will get a good life and plus good wife .I donot know i you remember but  i remember that you helped me alot to make a letter to explain on going relation for me and my husband.whwn i saw that is you i felt very bad but their is nothing much we can do expect pray for you and also for your future.some times life is very tough to face so be brave and donot lose hope .you will INSHALLAH find someone who will have respect , care,love and effection for you.May ALLAH clear all the hurdles in your life and you will live happly forever.GOD help those who help themselves.
Take care and donot be depress we all are with you.

[KHAN05]

Thank you all my friends for all the support and love, and if I call you friends I think you also deserve to know why I decided to end my marriage. Sorry I did not explain before but it was tough for me to share these things on the forum and it is still hard but I know many people here care about me so I have decided to share my story...

Our marriage (Nikkah only) was arranged so it was only three days after the Nikkah that I spoke to my wife for the first time. Few minutes in to our phone conversation she told me that she do not want to have a emotional relationship between us. I was sad to hear it because I really wanted to share everything with her and emotional connection was a very important part, at least for me. She explained that because we will be living so far away from each other, it will be easier to wait for each other if we are not emotionally close to each other. I did not argue with her because I thought she is only saying that and with time she will realize that she cannot plan how a relationship will develop, and I hoped that with time she will forget about this logic and we will fall in love with each other.

But as time passed we did not come emotionally close, and any time we developed feelings for each other she repeated the same thing that if she let her feelings take control she will have hard time waiting for me, and she doesn't want to have that problem. At that time the sponsorship time was only 12 months, and I thought it will be fine as the wait will be over soon and she will get over this problem as well.

Few more months passed and the sponsorship time went from 12 months to 20 months. It was really stressful for me because I felt our relationship getting weaker and weaker with time. And even though we did not have emotional connection, we were even losing the excitement and interest in each other that we had in the beginning. I asked her to remove the walls she had put up around herself, so that we can come closer and support each other, because now the wait was getting really long and I felt this is the time we can really use to make our relationship stronger.

This time she changed her logic and said its not just the wait, that she will find hard if she comes emotionally close to me, she explained that because in her past all the people that she had loved have gone away from her so now she can not let anyone come close to her anymore. She gave the examples of her sister who got married and went to Canada, and her brother who left for England to study, and when she was very young she had friends in her neighborhood but when her family moved she lost her friends. When I tried really hard to get her out of this shell, she said that she can only get over it once we are physically close.

Dealing with this situation, I was not just losing my mind I was also losing my health. I lost lot of weight, and felt really drained of energy all the time. Saw a doctor and I was diagnosed with ulcer in my stomach. But even then I did not lose hope and kept positive and kept trying to be close to her. I shared this issue with one of my friends and he suggested that if my wife thinks that physical closeness will end her psychological issues then I should ask her to apply for a visit visa.

I was really excited about this idea, and I called her the minute I came home. He reaction to this idea really surprised me, she was not excited at all and told me that she does not want to come to Canada until she gets her sponsorship completed. At that time I had lost all patience with her, and I stopped putting any effort in the relationship. I thought if I step back maybe she will do the effort to come close to me. Talking on the phone from two or three times a day we went to talking two or three time a week, then few weeks later it became once a week and then it became once a month.

At this time it had already been more then one year since our Nikkah and I had never shared this issue with anyone in the family. At that time I thought maybe if I tell my mother and her mother, they can tell her to make the change in her personality. Her mother she said that her daughter was right because it was only Nikkah and we were not really married so I should not expect too much from her. She said that it is because she is shy and she will get over it after we start living together.

I tried to explain to her mother all the problems but she did not see it my way. So I told them that either my wife will make the change in herself or she will not come to Canada because right now it is only Nikkah but once we are fully married, her personality will destroy both of our lives. But even after this she kept saying that she need to keep limitations between us and things between us did not improve.

After one and a half year into our relationship we had another big fight when she told be the same thing. This time her mother and her told me that she will not repeat these things and will do the effort to make this relationship stronger. Again time passed and even though she never said that she can not be emotionally close to me but she never did any efforts to create any kind of emotional closeness between us.

Last week I asked her, "dont you think its strange that in two years we never said love you to each other" She got really annoyed and asked me "why do you want a relationship in which we say love you to each other all the time?" I said I am not complaining that we don't say it all the time, I am saying we NEVER said it. She said she is not expressive like this... She said she is happy with the relationship the way it is and if I am not happy the problem is really only in my head. And that I should be happy with what I have instead of worrying about what I don't have.

In a way she was right, only if I could stop worrying about what I did not have, I could have lived my life happily. But how can I be happy without love in my life? In my heart I knew she will never love me, and we will live our lives like roommates, talking to each other only when we need to, nothing more nothing less. After I made the decision, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, at that time I knew I made the right decision.

I always thought I will be leaving this forum under happier circumstances, and I am sad to be leaving like this, but if anyone still needs to contact me, you can send me PM and I will make sure to answer it. Love all the friends here who always took time to help and support me.

Bye guys

 

Brother it seems to me u r still 10 yrs old kid,, be a man and control what u need to control love and emotions are secondary things. And ur spouse has some  psychologic problem  she like drama in her life.... Go back home and do what u need to do.... Do rukhsati and take her on honeymoon than u will see what happen...  
Make bold decisions don't be emotional
And those who are telling u that u made right decision are wrong

[iftikhar505]

That is how I saw my life, without any love and happiness. And I knew I will not be able to make my wife happy too, if I was not happy.

People who are pessimist, You can not make them happy for long, as a matter of fact those type of people even if they win a million dollar lottery they would be only happy for a week or so and then the same old routine continues.(being groucy) So the best way is to avoid these kind of people.

[tuco]

I have a question for u guy.......

ma husbands passport is expiring in September end of sept...
so i was wondering if he doesnt get a new passport will the officer give him visa or no?
but if he makes a new one... then they will take longer time to give him visa....

or will they let him kno about it or?/
im jus confused....

I jus want re-med or re-med +pp soon insha'allah....

if i remember correctly, your husband didn't get Remed after he submitted Re-pcc, Imm forms etc
remember a visa can not be issued to him if the PP's validity remains less than 6 months......and his PP is expiring in Sep.......plus I THINK he can not have his medical done if the passport's validity remains less than a year..............so the best solution would be to get his PP renewed and send CHC the copy of new passport with a letter explaining why you renewed your PP.......and this will not delay your application, in fact it's the other way around if you don't renew your PP

the following comes from the PPR letter (2nd page) they send:

"Medical Validity Date:

CHECK THAT EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY HAS A PASSPORT VALID FOR A MINIMUM OF 12 MONTHS FROM THE DATE OF YOUR IMMIGRATION MEDICAL.

Visas can only be issued to a maximum validity of 12 months from the date of the medical examination. (If your family had medical examinations on different dates, the visas will all be valid for 12 months from the date of the first medical examination). However, if any passports expire before 12 months from the date of the medical examination your visas will expire on the date that the first passport expires. If your passports are due to expire, it is in your interest to send us NEW OR UPDATED PASSPORTS to ensure that your visas can be issued with maximum validity."

[iftikhar505]

Brother it seems to me u r still 10 yrs old kid,, be a man and control what u need to control love and emotions are secondary things. And ur spouse has some  psychologic problem  she like drama in her life.... Go back home and do what u need to do.... Do rukhsati and take her on honeymoon than u will see what happen...  
Make bold decisions don't be emotional

Dear Brother, sometime it is best to avoid the person who has a negetive attitude towards other especially towards husband in urdu we say haadat fill mout means you can not change their habits. And I belieave it was the right thing to do before rukhsati so she can also get on with her life as well without having more complications for the future.